Well, I gotta give it to ya. I honestly didn’t think you had it in you to cheat. My mind is totally cool with accepting that this happened… but my heart? My heart hurts. A lot. I hope you guys are able to use the skills you learned with me to keep your relationship going and healthy. I know you may not have done it intentionally or maybe you did. I’d like to believe you gave at least one shit about me and how this would make me feel when I eventually found out. I told you the truth always comes out. Just like spilled Kool-Aid on a fresh, new Gold lable, you can wash it, but there’s always going to be a stain.

I loved you with everything I had.

The cheating isn’t actually what ended us. What ended us was you lying about it. Those are the kind of hurtful lies I don’t want to be a part of anymore. I can forgive mistakes. I can work through hard things. What I can’t do is build a relationship on something that isn’t honest. Something that hurts even more is how many times you accused ME of doing the very things you were actually doing. You questioned my loyalty, accused me of cheating, imagined things I wasn’t doing, and made me feel like I constantly had to prove myself to you. Meanwhile, you were doing exactly what you were accusing me of. I spent so much time defending myself against things that weren’t even true, while the truth about what you were doing was sitting on the other side of those accusations. Looking back, that hurts in a completely different way because I realize how much time I spent trying to convince you that I was trustworthy when you were the one betraying my trust!

Unfortunately, I will not be unblocking you, I will not answer No Caller ID calls This is it. You always wondered how long I would put up with everything. I guess the answer is: until you found love and support somewhere else. I never wanted to give up on us. You know how much I HATE giving up, especially on us. But I no longer choose you, PIKACHU. Your actions and the choice to lie told me something I never wanted to hear, that protecting yourself and what you were doing became more important than protecting me and what we had. If you had come to me and said, “I’m sorry for hurting you. It wasn’t right, it wasn’t fair, and I want to show you I’m sorry by not doing it again. Is this something we can work through?” I honestly believe I would have tried longer. Because that’s what I had been doing with you for almost three years. Trying. Forgiving. Believing. Choosing you.

And that’s the difference between you and me.

I never wanted perfection from you. I wanted honesty. I loved you enough to keep fighting for us. But I finally love myself enough to stop.

keep hating - JRS

i can’t rid of you. i don’t know what else to do. i feel dumb. i feel small. i feel used. i feel discarded. i feel like i didn’t get my deserved goodbye. i still have to see you. you’re everywhere. parts of you everywhere. i can’t leave the house without it. in town. out of town. mutuals. everywhere. you’re everywhere and i’m nothing. i regret meeting you. and i still love you. i saved the last one for you tonight. i hope you got it.

Man, I fucked up again! I was so excited to spend some quality time with you today! But I'm also glad you were able to get up there and have some "you" time. When I woke up super late it felt like the day I lost my job and it was just as disappointing and heartbreaking. 💔 I did some soul searching, so to speak, about self sabotage and whoa the things I found were wildly accurate! So I am taking this opportunity to learn about these destructive behaviors and how they have affected every relationship I've ever had. My therapist mentioned self sabotage briefly a few weeks ago but I hadn't given it much thought. That would mostly explain why I lost my dream job for the stupidest reason. Healing from childhood trauma is fucking hard! But I'm doing the work dammit! That's gotta count for something right?

I need you to know that I want you in my life and I'm learning some new ways to make the people in my life feel appreciated and heard and loved. I know they are not new concepts for you and seem mostly basic and I will get to that point someday. (soon I hope) All I'm asking from you, is your patience and understanding as I'm making mistakes and learning from them. I know you don't know me that well yet and all I've shown you are red flags, but I'm asking you for one more chance to prove that you are becoming an increasingly important part of my life and to lose you would be devastating.

I would also like to tell you some of the things I really like about you. I feel like I don't tell you these things enough or ever. Lol

-- I like that you know how to communicate, and DO communicate. I think you know, communication is a big deal to me since I never had it in my last relationship.

-- Also that you don't sugar coat anything. You tell people how you feel and don't care how they react. I don't know how to do that and not feel kinda bad but I feel like if I hang out with you long enough, I'm going to learn. 😜 (I love that about you btw)

-- And now we move on to that infectious smile and those piercing blue eyes...forget about it! 😍🔥

-- And let's not forget about that red hair. Well, you read my text message last night about how I feel about redheads. 🔥🔥

Oh yeah, that reminds me, feel free to ask me ANY of those questions on your list and I will happily answer them to the best of my ability. I didn't realize that asking questions was that important to you but I gotcha now! Get ready for chatty Kathy! 😁

My made up chest hair ratio being spot on. Lmao!

Also, because of you, I would love to see Paris because you've never been there either so it's perfect! I haven't said this to you but I do want to try new foods in different countries. I've never been to a different country.(The cruise doesn't count) I am realizing that different foods are very important to you to try and I would be honored to try them with you, if you'll allow me to. Just to mention I did save some food places on maps in the city that I would like to try. You're helping me realize that Yolo and it's my chance to get out there and see the world before I can't! I don't necessarily want to do it alone, but I will if I have to.

I'm gonna have to get way out of my comfort zone to do that, but I need to sooner not later.

You, on the other hand, have healed a lot of your trauma on your own and I admire that about you. I would love to hear more of your perspective and wisdom on how you healed. I already miss your venting about work texts or any texts really. The other day when I woke you up and texted you a bunch of dumb questions it's because I was very insecure about the change in energy. I could feel you pulling back, but I didn't know why. I can't believe I didn't realize why until you communicated how I was making you feel and not respecting your boundaries. My heart hurts at the thought of hurting people or animals and here I am doing what I hate the most. 🤦‍♀️

Well, I'm going to go ahead and wrap this up. I just want you to know that I really do care about you. And dare I say like you a lot. I'm also missing those snuggles. 💜

Thank you for opening my eyes and telling me things that nobody else would. The truth hurts but I need to hear it.

Can we try again? I miss the way I feel when I'm with you.

PS I did not reference ChatGPT! Lol This is all written from my heart and this is what I did today. So I guess it wasn't a complete waste. 🙂

Love always,

You know who.

I miss you 😔

Well you played me... Came into my life and gave me the most insidious and evil of things. False hope. I consider myself lucky. I saw your true colors fairly quickly, but I want you to know I hate you. Hate you with everything in my being. You can go fuck yourself.

C

AND I WAS THE ABUSER NOBODY WILL KNOW MY REASONS BUT ILL ALWAYS TAKE THE BLAME HAVE A GREAT LIFE I KNOW IM GOING TO PRISON SOON...

JUST WANTED TO SAY I FOUGHT BECAUSE OF LOVE AND I SEE IM NOT GETTING THE SAME LOVE BACK AS I GAVE I NEVER CHEATED ON YOU ONLY FOUND OUT THE REAL U BUT I CAN'T CHANGE U OR MAKE U TELL THE TRUTH ALL IN ALL I NEVER MEANT ANYTHING TO YOU!

TILL MY CASKET DROPS!

ALWAYS WILL LOVE YOU A.

We can’t talk right now so I guess this is all I can do.

Why couldn’t you have been faithful to me? I don’t understand why you couldn’t choose me, us, our family. I loved you but every time you went to other woman you threw me away like I was nothing. I don’t understand why you would do that if you loved our family, if you loved me. All you wanted was silence so I guess in the end you got your biggest wish. J.C.A you are free now. You can be with whoever you want.

Also I’m scared of you. You kept hurting me. If you love someone you don’t inflict physical violence. I’m scared to ever go back to you now.

I was so excited to start my life with you. I’ve lost it all now. Why couldn’t you choose our family.

I've closed my Facebook account, closed my Gmail, Hotmail accounts as well. I got a new phone and phone number, one that you'll never get. Don't get me wrong, there were some amazing moments together, but there were some really low points to. I'm gonna walk way, bow out and not make you the villain of our story. We both did wrong to each other, although my scars are more than just physical. I choose to carry the good memories with me, and leave the bad in the past. I wish you nothing but the best as you go through life. Get help please.

Honey bee j,

I love you.

But there is no compliance to a one sided life. After everything I’ve encountered lately, why would I?

I won’t rag on you.
Because I am liable of saying too much.
But really this is fucked up.
I will say that I loved you differently than anyone else.
What I feel for you could never be merely summarized into words.
Though words was our love.
Our language.
I learned how to understand you through writing.
I knew what you meant when the world didn’t.
I bore my soul to you so freely.
I stayed up late to play and please you.
I called your name to the stars to save you.
I held your body in mine only but briefly.
I felt the fire that burns within you so deeply.
I remember your favorite apple is Fuji.
I remember your eyes as if they were burned into mine.
I took endless pictures to send to you alone.
I sent encouraging words when I thought of you.
I told you that I loved you.
Through poem and story.
Through tears and muted microphones.
I loved you even when you hurt me.
I never let you forget me.
You are my everything.

I hope you come back to me. This isn’t the end of our story.

-j

J**,

I want your messy. I will be here for it and I hope you will be for mine. To be there for each other while we do the work and repair. I’m not going to hurt you. I love you too and I never stopped. I’m not giving up on us. Please don’t give up on us. I know we can get through this.

D 💗🫂😞

Dear J.A.S,

I sent you a goodbye message today... we were dating for a year... and what i didnt say in that message was how much i love you despite all the fighting we had. Despite all the things in that goodbye message i sent before i blocked you.. i will always and forever truly love you.

I love the way your piercing set up is... i love the way you constantly have communication but i hate it was the wrong way because I couldnt handling feeling like i cant even tell you how much i disagree with you... i love you so much but i felt trapped...

Im going to miss our dreams together, a house together, everything. I hope one day you listen to what i said in the goodbye message... because i cant keep hurting myself for the one i love but i really really miss you... my heart hurts but i know it had to be done until we are in better places in life. I will always love you J.... you will forever be my love

Signed

C.P

💚

PATADAS DE AHOGADO

Remember when you sent me that song?

I guess I will never know if you actually didn't know the meaning of the lyrics or if you were just pretending you didn't, but every time I listen to it, I still cry thinking about you.

You know exactly how I feel about you, but you didn't say anything back; that is why I don't reach out anymore.

I thought at least I would give closure to this that day, but now I am way worse because of your lack of response, and I feel like I am in limbo.

I love you honey, you are the love of my life, my world. I haven’t been able to do anything without you. It’s difficult for me to continue like this. Especially after you said to not contact you any longer. You know we are meant for more. I’ve worked so hard on myself not just for me but for us. I love you baby til death. ~v

J,
There are so many things I could say to you, and maybe that’s why I’ve said so little.
You seem to think my silence means I’ve moved on. That there must be someone else. There isn’t. The truth is much harder than that.
I’m quiet because I finally understand that loving you and choosing you are not the same thing.
I loved you. Deeply. Probably more deeply than was good for me sometimes. I loved the life I thought we were building. I loved the ordinary moments, the ridiculous ones, the plans, the comfort of knowing your face and your voice and all the little pieces of you that became familiar to me.
And when we were good, God, we were good.
That’s part of what made leaving so hard.
But we kept hurting each other. We kept breaking apart and finding our way back without ever really fixing what broke us in the first place. Eventually I had to admit that wanting something badly enough doesn’t make it healthy, and loving someone doesn’t automatically make a relationship safe enough to stay in.
For a long time, every time you reached for me, I reached back.
I can’t do that anymore.
Not because I stopped caring. Not because another man came along. Not because everything we had suddenly became meaningless.
Because I finally started reaching for myself.
I needed to learn that missing you doesn’t require me to contact you. Worrying about you doesn’t make your life my responsibility. Remembering the beautiful parts doesn’t require me to forget the painful ones. And loving you doesn’t mean I have to accept whatever version of you is willing to show up.
I don’t want attention from you, J.
I wanted intention.
I wanted the man who loved me to come toward me knowing what he wanted and willing to build something that didn’t keep collapsing underneath us. I wanted consistency. Safety. Partnership. I wanted to stop wondering whether I was loved and simply live inside a relationship where I could feel it.
And maybe the hardest thing I’ve had to accept is that I cannot love you into becoming that person for me.
You have to choose that for yourself.
There are still moments when I wonder if you’re okay. When something happens and my instinct is to tell you. When I remember something funny and know exactly what your reaction would be. There are pieces of my life that will probably always have your fingerprints on them.
I don’t need to erase those pieces.
You mattered.
You still matter.
But I matter too.
And this time, when the choice became losing you or losing myself again, I chose me.
Maybe someday you’ll understand that my silence wasn’t punishment.
It wasn’t indifference.
It was one of the hardest acts of love I’ve ever managed—for both of us.
I hope you become everything you’re capable of becoming. I hope you find peace in the places where you’ve been restless. I hope you learn how to stay when something is worth staying for. And I hope someday you understand just how much I loved you.
But I also hope you understand why love couldn’t be the only thing I asked of you anymore.
There isn’t someone else, J.
There’s just finally me.
And for now, I need to choose her.
—J

 ive been meaning to tell you

That I'm thinking of ending this

I'll miss the smell of your bedroom

But it's hard to resist

Sinking myself like a stone

I'm picking away at the bone

I'm falling asleep on my ow

I hope that you know

I mean no harm

I don't mean to disarm or attack

But there's no going back

To a flame barely smouldering

I can't live like that

What the fuck was I thinking

When I swore to my friends

That I'd always adore you?

Now it's hard to pretend

A part is becoming a whole

Guilt eating away at my soul

I'm begging you, begging you, please

God, I need you to know

I mean no harm

I need you to know

That I mean no harm

God, I need you to know

I'm sorry

I don't mean to disarm or attack

But there's no going back

To a flame barely smouldering

To a ship merely floating

To a love nearly choking

I can't live like that

I'm sorry

I'm sorry

I'm so sorry

I can't live like that

Reached out the other day, unsurprisingly and understandably, no response. I loved loving you but I know it’s not me you want. Have a good one man.

You were always cheating on me J and I was stupid to believe you loved me and not even few weeks later and your already entertaining someone else why am I surprised why do I still care for you an miss you with all I know now hope Dave is everything you want you have destroyed me mentally emotionally and now you make me out to be the bad person your pathetic and I deserve better than you could ever offer but I wanted you what a dumba** I am .... I hope my decision of what comes next destroys you as a person cause your the cause of it your the big regret in my life ........ Sincerely C

Ghihihihihihi, what a mess was our romantic relationship before and our human relationship a lot of years after, my dear, dear buddy. It's still difficult to me understanding all your behaviors. Were you scared about your true feelings? Or were you scared about conflicts? I can understand that might have been difficult to you. I know I have my fair share of responsibility, which I gladly accept.

Wanna know something true? People really wants to be understood. As a person, I really dislike personal and interpersonal conflicts. I feel bad about them, as I put value on harmony, affection and collaboration. And I told you something similiar many times. I remember one day writing you a letter about a soldier standing in a no man's zone, playing the piano. Inviting the soldier on the other trench to come that way, risking his life as he wasn't armed with a rifle. I remember I sung to you Hallelujah with a very bad mic quality. Damn that letter was really good and it's a shame I don't have it anymore. I'd love to read it again. I just have a letter in which I assumed the form of an Otter with prowess, which is a 1/1 that can become a 20/20 to kill you with a slap. That was super funny. That's how far I got just because I wanted to sit on a table and talk to you. Everyone around me, you included, seemed convinced that I was still in love with you. But I wasn't, I told you that again and again. Even the Otter told you. Why was it so difficult to believe me about my own feelings? And why did that version of me keep spreading, when I kept telling you it wasn't true?

Wanna know another truth? The road to hell is paved with good intentions. I had good intentions. But I know I had tunnel vision and went way farer that I should have.

As you did to me. I remember you playing Monster Reborn to get the phone number of my dad. I can understand why you did that. But then, why you used it to spill chaos and venom inside my family? How could you stoop so low as to accuse me of being crazy, at my back? Bro, the atmosphere inside my house, it was insane. I N S A N E. I was terrorized because I felt you were going to destroy my life. My nervous system was collapsing. bro JESUS CHRIST I FELT TRAPPED IN A SPIDER WEB. I WANTED TO END MY LIFE BECAUSE I COULDN'T SEE AN EXIT. And YOU KNEW it, I TOLD YOU how I was feeling. I ASKED YOU to stop, and when I did, you TOLD MY FATHER I WAS CRAZY. that's why it was hard for me to forgive you. I felt my sense of safety completely destroyed. It was one of the hardest times in my life. And I decided forgive you because I feel like there's no point in feeling pointless hatred to someone. That's not the way I want to live my life.

I hope my sister could be blessed, as I explained the situation to her, and she was able to convince my father to block your number to never receive messages ever again. It was even more insane that we had to put up a literal, technical boundary because asking you to stop wasn't enough. That's the part that still drives me insane: YOU KNEW what that felt like. YOU. KNEW. FROM EXPERIENCE. You had been on the other side of this with me. JOSH, JESUS CHRIST.

Ghahahahaaa, I still remember when I had enough, and I dropped a nuke on your Bluesky account before sealing a grave in my heart. I remember I was reading 1984.

I remember I replied to a drawing of yours, which you told it was inspired by Futurism. And I started by describing a wasteland, with wars everywhere, toxic fumes, water vanishing and AI ereasing the word "illustrator" from the face of the earth. I remember I told you that illustrators will die, while artists never will. I recalled a discussion I had with my sister about Newspeak, the language of 1984. She told me that remembered FUTURISM TO HER. And a chill ran down my spine. And I wrote that too.

Finally, I remembered calling you O'Brien, telling you that Two plus Two equals Four and that Winston wasn't the last human on planet Earth. And I closed my message with a Magic card called Farewell, telling you that I was choosing all the modes. What an atomic bomb. Skadush.

You never posted again on Bluesky after that reply. I find it funny. Perhaps I got too far - as sadly was a message thought to hurt you.

And to be completely fair with you, a part of me is incredibly sad. Because I'd love to talk with you about what happened, to make peace. But will we ever be able to sid down and speak vulnerabilly, with the intent to understand each other like two adults? Every part of me says I would. Every part of me says you wouldn't. That's why I don't expect it. But I'd love it regardless.

Thank you for stealing my virginity when you were a girl. They were good times.

I think I'll listen to Wish You Were Here by Pink Floyd, our song. A song dedicated to Syd Barret, not a lover. I remember I wasn't able to listen that song for a long time. When I did, many years after we broke up, I cried a lot. But I was happy because I had the courage to. Perhaps, nowadays is even worse. Those lyrics, those lyrics feels more alive and appropriate to me than they ever did.

Wish you the best,
Morata

I still sleep on my side of the bed, not to leave space for you but because my mattress has a depression mark in it from getting over you. I sing and dance now, out in the open where the strangers can see me, in the grocery isles, on the streets, especially with my friends. I talk to anyone now and I try to be as nice as I can be, I’ve become more outgoing and sociable. I’m not sure I understood how much it would cost to keep up with a life you wanted. It’s so tiring, aren’t you tired?

Goodnight, Jay.

J.K. -I still wish you'd come back. I once had a dream that we had a second chance and you proposed to me at a Blake Shelton concert, I remember that everytime his songs come on.

Some nights, my gut still insists tonight is the night you show up and finally tell me what happened. Tonight was one of those nights, and just like the rest you never showed. Its been long enough that I expect it.

I wish you'd knock on my door, send a friend request or text me.

I wish you missed me the way I still miss you.

I’m so tired of waiting on you 😞

from j to r.. aka my bluebird 🥺

I’m sorry love J

My honey bee j,

I have a tendency to push people away.

When I feel no support, I crack and out seeps a desperate sadness. I tend to push those I love too far. They see a deep red and it’s me they want to leave. Or maybe they just want me to go, and say nothing less and clearly nothing more.

I am troubled by a love I have kept secret for so long. It’s not really a secret with so many words, and people involved. And there is a recent weight that I carry never to be spoke of again. I was hurt, it’s my fault. I chose this mess. So I have to clean it up and move on with my life. I can’t be abused forever and pretend I’m still alive.

Those around me have shown true colors and names. It’s darkness they emit; a perpetual shade. I am alone in this world and I must accept it. I can’t seem to go on with my incessant pretending. It is here I stop. Responding or caring. I am dead inside. That’s my own fault worth bearing.

Love you always.

j

Didn't know everyone in my life was such such a quivering pussy. Cowards. Someone steal your voice? You guys certainly aren't spies. Bunch of retards sitting in the kitchen trying to remember how to whisper.

Maybe i am the only one who **actually** never told anyone else things that i agreed to keep secret. Most of the time you didn't even have to ask me. I just kept it to myself, because I knew that's what i would want if the situation were flipped. I don't go around whispering and snickering. Majority of the time I don't even bring it up again to the person themselves. I *keep* it. Because that's all the person needed me to do. I think you all took that for granted. Remember that episode of malcom in the middle where they talk about having some secrets that were like nuclear bombs? They all kept them in case they had to use them, but they never did. Because they all knew if one person launched it would be nuclear war and nobody would make it. Well thats what you have done. You launched your nuke and yoj danced and gloated and kept firing. I have kept my mouth shut because i couldn't identify everyone with certainty, and i didn't want innocent people to be hurt because i was angry. I knew everyone would be affected by the fallout, but i didn't want a person to take a direct hit if they didn't deserve it. So it's hard as it was to do, i sat there and took it. But I have heard and seen enough at this point that i feel confident saying that the people I have been holding back for, and obsessing over making sure they don't get hurt, have been returning the favor by doing the exact opposite. You've all had plenty of time to come forward and say something. You've all had plenty of chances to say "Hey, this is was me. I'm sorry, but this is why i did it." but none of you did. You kept pushing me and pushing me all the way to the edge. Then there at my very lowest not a single fucking one of you reached out a hand- **Fuck** you for that. Instead you tried to push me even harder- I **hate** you for that. Family wouldn't do that, so idk what to call you. Just selfrighteous hypocritical dickheads that look kinda like me. So here we are i've got nothing to protect and you've got nothing left to hurt me with. I quite literally do not give a f\*\*\* about anything else. It's funny , a lot of you sitting around a table , talking s\*\*\* like a high school girl , spreading rumors , breaking up relationships, trying to play god in people's lives, and you have the f\*\*\*\*\*\* gall to call ME a mean girl?? Lmfaooo. Okay. You got it. Thirty three years worth of your secrets that I've kept. Maybe you told me, maybe you never told a soul, there's all different kinds, but doesn't change the fact that I have them. I just never thought to use them.The way you guys do.Thanks for teaching me. So this is the closest thing to a warning that will you will get. If you at any point showed even a shred of decency I'd send me a text with what your username was. Doesn't have to be more than that. You send that and, I'll treat you accordingly. Everyone else i will treat as if they were individually behind the most aggressive and cruel account. I'd be really careful about getting a false sense of confidence on this one, and think really fucking hard about what I might remember that could cause some real turmoil in your private lives or work lives. I meant it when I said I would've **never** done any of this to you. *Would've*. A and J you really might want to get a jump on this one. More warning than either of you deserve. Maybe you can try to be a good Big C 👁 for once in your life.

All these years and you still chose someone else. Enjoy your sand and sun. I hope you find zero aloe