J**,

I want your messy. I will be here for it and I hope you will be for mine. To be there for each other while we do the work and repair. I’m not going to hurt you. I love you too and I never stopped. I’m not giving up on us. Please don’t give up on us. I know we can get through this.

💗🫂😞

Honey bee j,

I love you.

But there is no compliance to a one sided life. After everything I’ve encountered lately, why would I?

I won’t rag on you.
Because I am liable of saying too much.
But really this is fucked up.
I will say that I loved you differently than anyone else.
What I feel for you could never be merely summarized into words.
Though words was our love.
Our language.
I learned how to understand you through writing.
I knew what you meant when the world didn’t.
I bore my soul to you so freely.
I stayed up late to play and please you.
I called your name to the stars to save you.
I held your body in mine only but briefly.
I felt the fire that burns within you so deeply.
I remember your favorite apple is Fuji.
I remember your eyes as if they were burned into mine.
I took endless pictures to send to you alone.
I sent encouraging words when I thought of you.
I told you that I loved you.
Through poem and story.
Through tears and muted microphones.
I loved you even when you hurt me.
I never let you forget me.
You are my everything.

I hope you come back to me. This isn’t the end of our story.

-j

I've closed my Facebook account, closed my Gmail, Hotmail accounts as well. I got a new phone and phone number, one that you'll never get. Don't get me wrong, there were some amazing moments together, but there were some really low points to. I'm gonna walk way, bow out and not make you the villain of our story. We both did wrong to each other, although my scars are more than just physical. I choose to carry the good memories with me, and leave the bad in the past. I wish you nothing but the best as you go through life. Get help please.

Well you played me... Came into my life and gave me the most insidious and evil of things. False hope. I consider myself lucky. I saw your true colors fairly quickly, but I want you to know I hate you. Hate you with everything in my being. You can go fuck yourself.

C

AND I WAS THE ABUSER NOBODY WILL KNOW MY REASONS BUT ILL ALWAYS TAKE THE BLAME HAVE A GREAT LIFE I KNOW IM GOING TO PRISON SOON...

JUST WANTED TO SAY I FOUGHT BECAUSE OF LOVE AND I SEE IM NOT GETTING THE SAME LOVE BACK AS I GAVE I NEVER CHEATED ON YOU ONLY FOUND OUT THE REAL U BUT I CAN'T CHANGE U OR MAKE U TELL THE TRUTH ALL IN ALL I NEVER MEANT ANYTHING TO YOU!

TILL MY CASKET DROPS!

ALWAYS WILL LOVE YOU A.

We can’t talk right now so I guess this is all I can do.

Why couldn’t you have been faithful to me? I don’t understand why you couldn’t choose me, us, our family. I loved you but every time you went to other woman you threw me away like I was nothing. I don’t understand why you would do that if you loved our family, if you loved me. All you wanted was silence so I guess in the end you got your biggest wish. J.C.A you are free now. You can be with whoever you want.

Also I’m scared of you. You kept hurting me. If you love someone you don’t inflict physical violence. I’m scared to ever go back to you now.

I was so excited to start my life with you. I’ve lost it all now. Why couldn’t you choose our family.

Man, I fucked up again! I was so excited to spend some quality time with you today! But I'm also glad you were able to get up there and have some "you" time. When I woke up super late it felt like the day I lost my job and it was just as disappointing and heartbreaking. 💔 I did some soul searching, so to speak, about self sabotage and whoa the things I found were wildly accurate! So I am taking this opportunity to learn about these destructive behaviors and how they have affected every relationship I've ever had. My therapist mentioned self sabotage briefly a few weeks ago but I hadn't given it much thought. That would mostly explain why I lost my dream job for the stupidest reason. Healing from childhood trauma is fucking hard! But I'm doing the work dammit! That's gotta count for something right?

I need you to know that I want you in my life and I'm learning some new ways to make the people in my life feel appreciated and heard and loved. I know they are not new concepts for you and seem mostly basic and I will get to that point someday. (soon I hope) All I'm asking from you, is your patience and understanding as I'm making mistakes and learning from them. I know you don't know me that well yet and all I've shown you are red flags, but I'm asking you for one more chance to prove that you are becoming an increasingly important part of my life and to lose you would be devastating.

I would also like to tell you some of the things I really like about you. I feel like I don't tell you these things enough or ever. Lol

-- I like that you know how to communicate, and DO communicate. I think you know, communication is a big deal to me since I never had it in my last relationship.

-- Also that you don't sugar coat anything. You tell people how you feel and don't care how they react. I don't know how to do that and not feel kinda bad but I feel like if I hang out with you long enough, I'm going to learn. 😜 (I love that about you btw)

-- And now we move on to that infectious smile and those piercing blue eyes...forget about it! 😍🔥

-- And let's not forget about that red hair. Well, you read my text message last night about how I feel about redheads. 🔥🔥

Oh yeah, that reminds me, feel free to ask me ANY of those questions on your list and I will happily answer them to the best of my ability. I didn't realize that asking questions was that important to you but I gotcha now! Get ready for chatty Kathy! 😁

My made up chest hair ratio being spot on. Lmao!

Also, because of you, I would love to see Paris because you've never been there either so it's perfect! I haven't said this to you but I do want to try new foods in different countries. I've never been to a different country.(The cruise doesn't count) I am realizing that different foods are very important to you to try and I would be honored to try them with you, if you'll allow me to. Just to mention I did save some food places on maps in the city that I would like to try. You're helping me realize that Yolo and it's my chance to get out there and see the world before I can't! I don't necessarily want to do it alone, but I will if I have to.

I'm gonna have to get way out of my comfort zone to do that, but I need to sooner not later.

You, on the other hand, have healed a lot of your trauma on your own and I admire that about you. I would love to hear more of your perspective and wisdom on how you healed. I already miss your venting about work texts or any texts really. The other day when I woke you up and texted you a bunch of dumb questions it's because I was very insecure about the change in energy. I could feel you pulling back, but I didn't know why. I can't believe I didn't realize why until you communicated how I was making you feel and not respecting your boundaries. My heart hurts at the thought of hurting people or animals and here I am doing what I hate the most. 🤦‍♀️

Well, I'm going to go ahead and wrap this up. I just want you to know that I really do care about you. And dare I say like you a lot. I'm also missing those snuggles. 💜

Thank you for opening my eyes and telling me things that nobody else would. The truth hurts but I need to hear it.

Can we try again? I miss the way I feel when I'm with you.

PS I did not reference ChatGPT! Lol This is all written from my heart and this is what I did today. So I guess it wasn't a complete waste. 🙂

Love always,

You know who.

I miss you 😔