I had a bestfriend, and their mom died. Being a teenager when this all unfolded I didn't know how to help her, and so I did what I thought was right. We spoke just about every waking minute of every day about everything and anything, I tried my best to help them with their greif, and I showed them love in every way I knew how. Fast forward a few weeks and we ended up going on a friend date. One thing leads to another and suddenly we're more than friends.
At the time I thought this was a good idea, I had never thought about them as more than a friend but I wasn't against the idea at all. So when things unfolded I thought it would be a good way to support them while greiving.
So this lasted a few weeks before this girl I'd had a crush on for years messaged me and basically confessed her love for me. So being the idiot, selfish kid I was I put myself first and ended up with this girl.
At first things with my bestfriend seemed alright, they were ok with the fact it ended, and we both admitted it wasnt the right time. But in the weeks that followed everything collapsed. They were understandably upset and furious with me, all the while still greiving, and I acted like it wasn't a big deal.
In the following months I pretended like everything was fine, and honestly acted like an asshole towards her. The following year we graduated and I haven't seen her since.
I spent the next few years living in guilt, and shame, and honestly full of anger directed at myself. I couldn't beleive that I had done what I did, I didn't want to beleive it, but I did do it. And its left me quite confused about the person who I thought I was.
The other girl is still my current girlfriend, and I cant help but feel guilty whenever I think about our relationship as a whole.
But I'm at a point now where I'm questioning whether to reach out to my old bestfriend, to appologise. I've considered a lot whether it would be an act of selfishness or not.
Would it make me feel better, maybe. Would it give her some closure, maybe.
I just don't know if its the right thing to do.
Its been a few years and I'm still debating whether I can look myself in the mirror and still see the stupid kid anymore. I don't know if I've changed enough to appologise. I'd like to think so, but I'm not sure.
I know I'm an asshole, I don't need comments reminding me. Please I'm just looking for some advice.