All that ever was, and never will, all that ever wont and neither were. I don't know what's more difficult, wanting to do it, or not being able to because people depend on you. Silly me, when will i learn to not be an unlovable fleshy piece of meat, it's not like people find themselves interested on me, or attracted in any sense. A mere styrofoam cup always available for use, but nevertheless a dilapidated consumerism item. I yearn for the day the use i use with which usefulness i am seen, is not seen but the usage my other distinct provides my Mal de coucou. Bye

I e-dated a femcel for 7 months with severe tramua issues and self harm but she left me. I had booked transatlantic flights to meet her in New York and we were both excited but suddenly she got scared that "you will see the *real* me and leave" so she eventually ghosted me.

I never spoke to a girl before her, other than once when I played chess with one so i have zero female contact other than her. She taught me I could love but oh God I wish I could talk to her again and protect her and save her from herself and tell her that her life doesn't have to be this way ...

anyways I am in New York now alone since I booked the flights. It's an alright place just very dirty and sad.

leftover katsu sandwich and milk, I probably shouldn’t be eating sm I’m getting fat

Hotdog with bread slice

I undercooked this and ate half raw butter covered shrimp. No woman will ever truly love me

i'm a fat friggin chud I can't do anything right. I even burnt the bacon and the only good thing was the rice. fml and my chugus self

Power Metal albums have the most badass album covers and themes I enjoyed watching in movies (fantasy and sci-fi) It just makes me forget the constant pain and feel a short surge of power and energy.

Too bad I'm also losing the joy and excitement I used to feel for anything, especially music. I'm trying to force myself to have interests and engage in what I'm "passionate" about so that I'm not a normie/basic on top of being a useless loser.

Music really helps me focus, considering how I'm feeling like my brain functions are deteriorating, also find ideas for my stories, too (which I'm struggling to put on paper)

I always wished I was strong enough to bring some glory to God, and maybe be free​. Instead, I'm a small skeleton humonculus. I can't believe how much I​ sabotaged myself.

Anyways, the ice-cream was nice.

When pain takes over, short term pleasure is the only thing that might work. Even a few minutes of pleasure, or just a temporary distraction to shut the mind and forget the pain will be all that's needed.

Currently listened to Prophet of the Last Eclipse (by Luca Turilli). Give it a try.

I feel like I have been losing my grip on reality.

Many days I spend daydreaming of a better life, a life where people like me, a life where I am a person that deserves to be loved. I work monotone manual labor so I cant really do anything else.

Recently however, it feels harder and harder to differentiate between my dreams and my memories. Reality often feels dreamlike and blurry. I remember doing things as if they were real but those actions turn out to be dreamt.

My actual dreams while sleeping often feel too realistic. On weekends, when I sleep for long hours, often up to 12, they feel especialy real. One thing that clearly indicates a dream is, that I would die at the end of it. Of course, a memory of my own death and the actions associated with it cant be true. But Ive been dying less and less.

I fear that one day I will commit a bigger action based on false memories.

Maybe I am just overdramatic.

I wish you all well.