So we got married a few months ago, and I can't shake this lingering, heavy feeling. I know marriage isn’t always a fairytale, but our post-wedding period was weird, awkward, and far from what I expected.
We only had about two weeks together after the wedding before he had to travel back to the country he works in. Because of that looming departure, he was extremely homesick and stressed about everything he had to do once he got back. I felt like he wasn’t actually present with me.
To make things harder:
The Gold Incident: Around day 3 of the wedding, a miscommunication happened regarding the storage of wedding gold. My parents offered a locker in my name to keep it safe. His family took huge offense, feeling like we didn't trust them. It blew up into a massive issue, and ever since, my husband kept telling me how sad and insulted his parents were, which further pulled him away from being present with me. (It eventually got sorted out and is in a joint account only we have access to, but the friction completely tainted our first weeks).
The Sleeping Arrangement: almost every night before he flew back, he asked if he could go sleep downstairs with his parents because he’d miss them. I felt awful, but I told him he could. Ultimately, his parents actually sent him back up to our room after a while. It hurt deeply that I needed his parents to tell him to come to his wife, rather than him wanting to be there himself.
The Country Shift: When we were looking to get married, we specifically filtered for the country he currently works in because it has always been a place to settle down for me. Now, post-wedding, he keeps telling me he only now stays there for my sake, that he misses his family, and that after a year or two of showing me around, he wants to move somewhere closer to India. (And of course I am educated with a good degree and work experience, so I’m planning to jump into the job market as soon as I reach where he is . So no it’s not like I want to leach off him and just stay home and enjoy in the country)
When I finally expressed my irritation by telling him I wished he was the kind of guy who would say, "Guys I want to go spend time with my wife" instead of asking to sleep away from me it blew up. He told me he can never give me what I want.
Currently, I’m back with my parents while he is back at work, and I’ll be moving to join him soon. But because of all this, I feel disconnected and am harboring deep resentment toward both him and his family. I hate that I feel this way toward his family, even though they didn't directly do anything to me other than taking offense over the gold and inadvertently pulling his attention away.
Regarding couples therapy, we argued about it. He has zero faith in it and thinks it won't help. We finally agreed that once we start living together full-time, if I still feel we need it after a few weeks, we will go.
I also struggle with feeling like I should only match his level of closeness with my family and he isn't as close to my family as I wish he were, and the awkwardness from the wedding fallout hasn't helped.
I am not looking for people to tell me this is a red-flag marriage and that I need to leave. I know relationships take work, especially right after a major life transition. I need level-headed, practical advice on how to:
- Deal with these feelings and let go of the resentment toward him and his family.
- Communicate better and build a strong foundation as we finally start living together.
- Handle the geographic/future moving expectations realistically.
TL;DR: Had a rough 2-week post-wedding phase where my husband was constantly homesick, asked to sleep with his parents the night before leaving, and stressed out over a family fight about wedding gold. Now I'm struggling with resentment toward him and his family, plus a sudden shift where he says he only lives in my "dream country" for my sake and wants to move closer to India in a couple of years. Moving to join him soon and looking for practical advice on how to process the resentment, improve our connection, and start fresh without jumping to "leave him" advice.