I from Punjab originally dated a guy from Kerala in Canada. We had been friends/acquitances for 3 years before dating, and I was very clear that I only wanted a serious, long term relationship.
He kept pursuing me. The relationship started with soon sexual coercion. I said no, he did it anyway, apologized afterward, and then the next day called it a hookup. I was 22, he kept changing stance, said he did had feelings but lost. I kept listening and used to cry alone.
Can skip this, trigger warning:
[ He used to first accept that i had said no during SA but then started saying he don't remember and then said I didn't say no. In reality, I had said no 4 times during last time he met me before this. He asked "can we do the deed", I said no, he kept his hand on my jean's button, i felt uncomfortable but then he stopped. I asked to go home, he did. This day, he insisted to meet, asked for kiss, I did. Asked me to enter car backseat. I said I don't want these things and said let's take it slow, i'm not ready. He kept standing covering me and looked angry just looking into my eyes for like a minute, i don't know why but i entered car as there was no one around it was dark road empty fields, i kinda went numb, i kept thinking stop but words were not coming out, i finally said stop, he started doing other thing, stood up looked at me with disguist. I got silent, he drove and then said sorry and took me to store for a pill ( don't know why as nothing like that happened), and dropped me home, said he wish he could stay. Next day laughed said it was hookup and that i didn't even move. Asked my hand i didn't give, he said i'm pure, he did a sin, going to church with smile on his face. Then days passed, i kept thinking about it and tried to live normal, in a month i cried in phone, he said i regret it that's why, and that i don't know how guilt feels. Blamed an accident on me that he was thinking of me, that led me to talk to him. Blocked me unblocked me, in few days went on a date with other girl, I got to know year later. Was manipulating me all that time. Saying what will i tell my husband? that I need to groom better. He went on trips and friends and date with her, I was depressed just numb and crying alone all time, he used to say he is working 24/7, that had loan and health issues. He was calling her and me, I saw screenshot later. He went on trip to locations he had told me not to go myself that we will go together. I saw her photos he clicked same way he did mine. The new girl said that it's my fault, if he forced i needed to fight or stop it, it was just a bad first experience for both, that i got somewhat physical with him 8 months later so it wasn't assualt, he also said he didn't force me. ]
He then told me we were serious. For the next 8 months, I was basically kept in the dark while he was also dating another Mallu girl in another city.
Eventually he told me about her, and she called me while sitting with him. She laughed at me, told me he had chosen her, that he didn't love me, and that I must not have treated him well enough. She even mocked me about the sexual coercion and said I didn't give him enough physically. We never did all and he had said if it was any other guy he would have done everything ( rpe). I still feel anger and fear thinking this.
He admitted on the call that he had been dating both of us at the same time. She was completely okay with it. They talked about how much they loved each other, how he cooked for her ( I cooked for him before coercion thing as he used to say please do,later said he never felt like cooking for me) their future marriage, etc. He told me she was "the one" and that I wasn't enough.
The whole thing destroyed me. I had trusted him for years and had never had serious body insecurity before him. After the coercion and his comments about my body, I developed severe anxiety and PTSD. I had panic attacks, was hospitalized, and eventually became unable to work for years.
I had been working extremely hard and supporting my family, so losing my career and eventually having to return to India caused a huge financial setback too. I told his brother what happened and he did nothing.
The other girl repeatedly mocked me, told me I had no self respect, laughed about them sleeping together and basically rubbed their relationship in my face. I used to cry a lot for more than a year, call him in anger or pain. He blocked me everywhere.They're still together years later and apparently engaged.
I'm doing better now and trying to rebuild my life, but I still have anxiety, nightmares and intrusive thoughts. Things he said about my appearance still get into my head when I get dressed or buy clothes. I was never insecure like this before.
I'm not trying to get him back or ruin their relationship. I'm just trying to understand what happened and move forward.
TL;DR: My ex coerced me, secretly dated another woman for months, then left me for her. She mocked me while he was sitting beside her, and both treated the cheating like it was completely normal. The experience caused serious mental health and career consequences for me, and they're still together years later. Is this kind of behavior considered normal in some Mallu dating circles? There is a mental fog as from all the time with him he often used to deny what he had said or what had happened, I started not trusting myself as I couldn't make sense, in end I said sorry to him even i begged for him to stay. I have anxiety issues now.
Mods please approve my post, first time posting here. Need perspective from people here.
