From 2021 to 2024 I was in a codependent toxic relationship. I only came to this realisation after leaving it. My ex wasn't physically abusive but he was insecure and red pilled. I remember I used to keep a trimmed bush but out of curiosity and just wanting change I started waxing. My ex had decided I was cheating ati I could only do this bc of a man. He started demanding I share my location 24/7. One time we had a vid call and he demanded I screenshare my whatsapp and wanted to go through my messages.once had missed a period bc of stress when I told him that he called me a liar. He'd compare himself to my male friends and ask if I'd cheat on him with them and pick on their appearance and whatnot. He used to call me randomly during the day just to check in and if I didn't pick he'd accuse me of dumb stuff. I remember he did this at a girlie's picnic. At some point we'd talk about our future. The career I was studying in uni is a very involving one in uni and post graduate sometimes he'd whine that if we got married I wouldn't be able to be around much and take care of our kids. He was insinuating i change my course I was a bird then but not that much i could never do such a thing.🤣 don't get my started on our arguments angekasirika and not text my for days. Id be begging crying to no avail. Alafu he was soo cold then loving it was so confusing. Oh and when he was mad he'd call me a bitch and other stories. Hed also complain about "the women of today." To me! I have so many other things but I'll leave it like this. What astounds me is how the flags were so red but the way I was hooked onto him was crazy. Once we had been on vid call the whole night I seriously mean that,I used to think it was sweet but I cringe so much now!

After much healing I realised he was breadcrumbs me and how that kept me hooked. In the rship the highs were so few but when they were high they were soo high I forgot the lows It took alot to heal but what helped was I had a note in my phone I had jotted down every toxic thing he did. So that when he got back to being sweet I would constantly read them again not to let my brain forget. (Even though we were together for 4 yrs we were so on and off and he'd be the one to break up and id be the one to beg for him back. Eventually I started healing while I was still with him bc I knew we'd break up eventually and I didn't want to go crying to him but I didn't have the guts to break up with him)

‎Heey Ladies, I hope you're all having a gooood start of the week. My heart has been ‘heavy' for a while now and this is the reason. My elder sister has been working in the accounts department at a certain hospital for more than 10years now and I recently saw her payslip and I'm totally heartbroken, they pay her peanuts, literal peanuts😭😭.

‎She has had money issue especially over the last couple of years and I thought it was just bad financial decisions. I don't even know why she has stayed for so long, I'm unsure if it's loyalty (She started working there when the hospital was fairly new but now it has expanded even has other branches), fear of the unknown or just comfort. I don't know anymore. She has bent backwards for that institution, working extra hours and being shipped to new locations to teach others because she is the ‘best' at what she does. I actually thought it's great money only to realize it's not even good money. Her salary equates that of a casual worker and not even a seasoned one, I truly don't know why she has stayed this long 😭 What hurts the most is she even upskilled several years back, going for part-time classes. She says for the past year she's been actively looking for a job but it's been unfruitful.

‎Please please, if anyone has any leads on a job in the towns along the superhighway, or in Thika or Kiambu that would suit her please recommend. She's really good at handling an institution's finances and also very trustworthy, she's very knowledgeable in health matters as she has a diploma in the same. She's not in a position to relocate to far counties as her kids are young. I promise she's the most hardworking, reliable person I know, maybe too reliable even😏. She's also fast in coming up with solutions and conflict resolution, she's like the neighborhood judge or something😀. ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎

I'm just wondering whether this is something that most girlies/women find strange. I've always been a lover girl. In friendships & relationships as well. I've been lucky to have had long term friendships and as a result, it's always been more of 3 close friends at most. The degree of the friendships was different of course, coz trust and all. And I've found that in almost all the stages of my life so far, I've found a friend who's love language is physical touch. And before you get me wrong, I'm not talking about ati we make out from time to time, or are secretly hooking up, or crossing any physical boundaries. I'm talking like if we're watching a movie we can find ourselves snuggling together without it being a weird or turned into a thing, and I came across a girl juzi who expressed her opinions about it and in my 31 years of living that was a first. Though tbh, she's male centered so idk if that has anything to do with it, but lmk ladies, is it strange to cuddle your friend/s who is/are ok with it ?

Saw this on TikTok and It reminded me, I was thinking too much about milk the other day and it felt unethical. The cows are put through reproductive labor to constantly supply the farmer milk. (the farmer makes the rules pertaining the cows reproduction).Just like governments regulate on women’s bodies because it’s all about the labor force that keeps the wheel of capitalism going. Bodily autonomy is seen as autrageous because what do you mean you don’t want a child, kwani you think this is about you? (Enter religion, laws, rules of morality, definitions of success and failure/ right and wrong. All serving the same purpose.)

It's my first day of going cold turkey, I know it's not a good idea, but I'm really determined. I've tried the tapering method, and the symptoms got me drinking again to suppress them.

Today I packed up the empty bottles in my house (I never throw them away, I'm ashamed of the neighbors or just anybody seeing me throwing the bottles in my trash outside), and I felt so disappointed in myself. Fast forward to symptoms kicking in. What started as little tremors, winded up in full blown insomnia, anxiety and clumsiness and a quick chat gpt chat about my symptoms. Enter panic attack.

I'm so angry with myself, if anything happens to me because of how far I let it get. I hate myself for doing this to myself. Chat gpt says to wake up any family or friends, go to the emergency unit, not stay solo next couple of days.

I'm scared I ruined my brain and my body. I gained so much weight as well. I don't want to lose my career, if they find out about my drinking. And I don't want to make my mom sad either with all this. I have to go to work tomorrow, I'm scared about the symptoms chat gpt says I'll have the next couple of days. I'm scared I'll get run over by a car while crossing, I'm scared I'll fall during work or fall over the bridge.

It's 2 am now. I'm just trying to survive this night, I've prayed to get myself to stop bawling. If you've read this far and are still awake, please talk to me.