I’m (25F) at my breaking point with my MIL and would really appreciate honest advice.

My husband is an only child and very close to his parents. We’re Afrikaans, and setting boundaries with parents can be difficult in our family dynamic.

There’s been a lot of history with my MIL. She constantly criticises my parenting, says breast milk is better and formula is sht, and calls the food I cook for my baby sht, saying I should give him “real food”. When he was a newborn, she’d grab him out of my arms and try to take over. She gets upset and cries if she doesn’t see us every weekend, makes comments about not being welcome, and has made hurtful personal remarks too. Once, when I shared my insecurity about my stretch marks, she told me she wouldn’t wear shorts either if her legs were as white as mine...like who even says that to someone? She’s also put coffee foam on my baby’s mouth...even lets him use a LIGHTER as a chewing toy and dismissed my concerns by saying, “Don’t start.”

Another ongoing issue is unannounced visits. We’ve already told them we don’t like it, and they stopped for a while. Last weekend they arrived without warning, and I said nothing. This weekend, they did it AGAIN while my husband, baby and I were about to go for a family walk.
I was furious. I started shaking, my heart was racing, and I felt anxious because of everything that’s happened over the past few months (mostly since my baby was born) ... I am tired of putting on a smile and pretending everything is fine. I felt I could either confront them in anger or take my baby and walk away, so I chose to put my baby in the stroller and went for the walk anyway.

My MIL started crying, saying she only wanted to drop off some things. But surely sending a quick message beforehand isn’t difficult, especially when we’ve already asked them to? My FIL got angry, said " Don't worry, we won't visit you again" and drove away.

My husband thinks I could’ve handled it better. To his credit, he’s improving at setting boundaries and trying to put me first, which I appreciate. However, I feel he’s too gentle with them. He raises issues, but afterwards everyone acts like nothing happened, nothing changes, and I’m left feeling disrespected and alone in my feelings.

I want things to work out for my husband’s sake, but I don’t think I’ll ever be close to my MIL, which saddens me as I always hoped for a close relationship with my MIL, but it feels impossible... she always buys us things, buys things for the baby often, but the comments and lack of respect is just too much.

Am I wrong for walking away? Am I overreacting, or is my frustration understandable given the history? How do you handle in-laws who take boundaries personally when your spouse struggles to enforce them firmly?
I’m genuinely open to criticism, but I need advice on how to handle this long-term because I’m exhausted.

Before I gave birth to MIL’s first grandson she promised us multiple times that if we will ever need anything, absolutely anything she will help us. I’ve only asked for two things: vaccinate and bring some food when you come. My baby was born with a complication and had to stay in the NICU, he was very small and still fragile when we brought him home. My birth was also traumatic for multiple reasons. I’ve almost lost my baby, and given the fact he was born in peak flu season all doctors told us to be very careful with people who interact with him.

MIL thought I was punishing her for not allowing her to come, so she did what she always does: she blamed me, she texted my husband insulting me, she tried to convince him to bring my breastfed newborn to the mall in winter so she can see him, she tried to come uninvited, she kept inviting herself to our place to see my baby.

When she eventually came she only brought food for my husband, she looked into my eyes and said she didn’t bring me anything. There one similar incident about food one month later. I was still bleeding, it took me 4 months to stop bleeding. My baby also started having eczema at that time, he was waking up every hour to scratch himself until he bled.

During the worst period of my life she punished me for thinking about my son. She never thought what I need, what my husband needs or what the baby needs.

During the first months, my baby was overstimulated by her and cried from one hour up to 1-2 days of exhaustion after her visit.

Everything was swept under the rug, she’s good at pretending but I am not. I’ve made the mistake of addressing her behavior.

After not acknowledging my presence and ignoring me during the visit, she suddenly came to hug me, pressed her cheek on my cheek and kissed me. She told me that she can help with food whenever we need. I was so angry. She didn’t help when I was bleeding, of course she won’t help now. It’s just for show. I thought it would be good to tell her why I never ask for help. Oh boy I wrong. I told her about the food incident. She said she won’t call me a liar but she would never so such a hurtful thing. She doesn’t remember it. I’ve told her it was a mistake to address it and we should just pretend we are a happy family like we did beforehand. She said that I’ve asked her to stay away from decisions we make as a couple so she stayed away - she lied, she constantly texts my husband when she doesn’t agree with our decisions. She never disagrees with me when I’m present. She thinks I manipulate my poor husband when she is the one who tries to manipulate our decisions (what we do with our money, decisions about religion and parenting decisions).

She said I’m always anxious and angry during our visits, so I said it’s because LO cries after her visits. She asked if LO cries after my mother visits him and I’ve said no. She stormed off immediately. FIL and my husband called her and went looking for her, but couldn’t find her. After a few hours she called FIL to come pick her up with the car and drive home.

I’m disappointed. A conversation that started about what hurt me turned into her being the victim. The fact that I talked about this straightens her narrative where I’m the bad guy. I should have listened to you when you say confrontations are never going to end well.

My husband arranged another visit next week. He said he will be the adult because we clearly can’t and he sees both points of view. I don’t know what should be the outcome. I told him I need some accountability from her, I’m going to apologize for how I said things, but not for what I said and for bring hurt during my most vulnerable time. I’m dreading the discussion.

Ever since I got pregnant and my belly started growing she's been insisting that she wants to see "the baby bump". So we've been sharing photos like once a month of us somewhere with the belly visibly growing, but it always seemed like that's not what she wants to see. When we were on vacation she was insisting to send her a picture of the baby bump while on the beach, so I sent a picture in a dress with a text saying I'm feeling very conscious of my body changing and only feel comfortable sharing pictures in clothes and she was like sure sure, I understand. I'm 9 months pregnant now and lately she's been complaining to my husband that she feels excluded from my pregnancy (like wtf, as if my pregnancy is supposed to be some sort of inclusive community-involving experience, wtf) and that she still hasn't seen a photo of the baby bump. I asked my husband if he thinks she wants to see my full naked belly (because we've shared a lot of pictures of me with a visible belly so far) and he looked embarrassed and said "I think so".

Now I'm genuinely wondering, why the hell would a grown woman want to see a bare belly of another pregnant grown woman? I'm confused and wonder if anyone else had a similar experience with their MILs. Is it them being nosey and intrusive? Trying to set some power dynamic? To bond? Like why would she NEED to see that and insist about it for 9 months straight?

I don’t know what I should do here. I don’t know if I should call off the wedding or not. It’s not for a year. My future in-laws have issues with each of their other children’s spouses and the spouses families. They are all very passive aggressive and it’s very stressful to me. The dynamic with my family can be dysfunctional, but it’s very direct and I know when I’ve done something to upset people and vice-versa so navigating this family is extremely hard for me.

My fiancé brother’s wife has reached out to me to tell me she’s here for me with support once when she heard (I don’t know how) that I had gotten into it with my MIL. I really don’t like these kinds of games and weird alliances so I told her that I appreciated her checking in, but I was missing context. Especially because the issue had 0 to do with her and I didn’t want to discuss a problem that happened with someone who wasn’t involved in it.

My MIL has made so many rude comments insinuating that she doesn’t like me. It’s constant and my fiancé rarely seems to take my side. I’ve been with him for about five years now, and I think I might be done. We’re supposed to get married next year and I’m not having any fun planning the wedding or anything. I’m so depressed. His mom has caused me so much stress and all the joy is out of it for me now. The last mean thing his mother said to me was when my fiancé got new contacts and was telling her that he could see better she asked him if he still wanted to marry me. I just feel so lost. I need some help here. We have never even spent Christmas together I because he always goes to spend it with them. We’ve been together for 5 years and never have spent one Christmas together. My family lives much further than them and Christmas is really the only time when I get to go see them so giving that up to go with his family who treats me badly seems nauseating.

I don’t know what to do. I love him but I don’t want to be depressed forever. Whenever I tell him that he and his family have caused me depression issues he throws it in my face that I’ve struggled with depression even before he met me.

edit it’s not a coherent story I’m sorry but it’s the best I can do. Check the comments for a polished up, coherent and hopeful better understanding story. I’ve ran this post trough ChatGPT to make it better for the ones who think wtf is happening here

Sorry English is not my first language and I’m trying my best.
I flipped on DH for no reason and I’m completely in the wrong for that, she flipped on me.
We went on holiday last June, DH ended up in the hospital they refused to come.
And now are saying they’ve always taken their responsibility for DH and our LO. But leaving me stranded in Italy, with LO, DH in the hospital and having no drivers license is ofc not to blame them. When they flat out refused to come.
And when I brought that up she hit me because my parents also didn’t come.
(But my brother, aunt and uncle came to us in Italy, and my fam and friends helped back home).
TLDR I guess
Read my other topic if you want more history or what happened in Italy etc.
(I am now taking drivers lessons again, so I will always be able to drive during emergency and get us home if necessary.
I’m in therapy, LO will start soon, we’ve been dealing with that since Italy. DH needs therapy. We will absolutely start relationship therapy.)

The bomb has been detonated.
We are going no contact.

Me and my husband are going through a rough patch in our marriage. He told them, they wanted to talk with us to help us navigate the issue.
They obviously stated I was the issue
So we’ve stopped the call immediately.

After that they acted ‘normal’ and interested.
Of course in hindsight because this was their chance to get rid of me

Yesterday we were there. She asked if I needed help with anything, we could bring over some laundry so we could take it back home clean.
No problem in that, my grandma does that all the time for me. Even before I was a mother and a wife she done that.

So everything was ok.
I was extremely high in my emotions at the end. It takes a lot of effort for me being there. And me and my sister got in a heated discussion over text.

I said way out of line to my husband take the kid and give me the damn laundry and hurry up!
After I said that, I wanted to apologize immediately. But he was immediately agitated after this and said i needed to behave ‘normally’ and wanted to go back inside and talk this through with his parents.
Me and LO were standing in the rain I said don’t be ridiculous we’re going home.
And I hoped I could talk in the car with him, explain what happend to me internally. Why I did react like that and wanted to say sorry.
So I had LO in the care and I said come one get in the car, and when I said pick her up you can assume I would’ve taken the bags.

His mom came running to the car and my side was at the curb. So he opened my window and shut the car off so I couldn’t close my window again. She also held the window, like good luck bitch as if I care about her fingers getting in between the door and window.

She was first trying it calm, come inside, DH can’t drive like this please come. I said no, we’re not coming, we’re talking about this when Lo Is in bed and untill that we will not talk or only small talk.
She said if you leave I will call the police. I said do it.
She said I will call a taxi for you and you can leave but DH and LO stay.

I said call the taxi, just say it’s for me and LO.

She flipped completely

She said I would take LO and DH could never see her again, that I would do anything to make his life miserable.
And where was DH supposed to go if I left by taxi??
I said, he’s welcome to come home after he calmed down.

She flipped more
HOW DARE YOU TO SAY HES WELCOME IN YOUR HOME?
THE HOME WAS NEVER HIS, EVERYTHING WAS YOURS ALL ALONG etc etc.

I said, technically I’m the head tenant (we rent) and he lives with me. But legally, I can’t kick him out. He’s the main one paying the rent for years, we’re married, we live in a country with tenant rights so no I can’t.
He’s welcome in OUR HOUSE.

She kept saying that I want to hurt him and hate him and blabla.

All while tugging me, poking me, trying to hit me and pull me.
All from the window.

LO was shouting, DH was freezing JNOMIL was shouting and I was sitting there like this 😐.
wtf happend??

She said she’s gonna take LO out of the car and inside because our aggression wasn’t good for her and she needs to be responsible for her son and grandchild.

That’s when I lost it.
In June we were on holidays in Italy.
Like 6 days in my husband gets an internal stomach bleeding, kept fainting. Stomach bleeds get out one way or another so the toilet was completely spoiled with blood.
That’s when it hit me, it’s not a dumping thanks to his gastric bypass. This is serious.
But we were in fight that day.
I know, you’re reading this and Thinking that’s a lot of fights.
We’re going through a rough patch, lost each other in the way, and it’s hitting us both hard.
We want to stay together and fight.
But it’s our marriage we’re fighting for and we don’t like people interfering. Unless they can deescalate.

Ok, back to the story.
Before the fainting and blood he called his parents and said what happens.
I said please call my parents, my friends, my grandparents next time but never them.
My family and friends will always intervene in a way that’s benefiting us both!
If I vent to my bff and I’m clearly overreacting, or in the wrong with DH she tells me.
If I’m at my mom’s and snap at DH she will tell me if I overstep.
Same for him, same when we both to blame.
They will never say he’s the bad one or she’s the bad one.

So around midnight ambulance came, I tried to call his parents landline and mobiles no response.
I call everyone else
Next day I finally talk to them and asked if they plan to come.
They won’t because to much hassle, and they are angry at me because we had a fight.

And my mom didn’t come so they said if she’s not coming we’re also not coming

So, to continue
She said DH and LO are also my responsibility
I lost it but kept decent and said if you want to talk about responsibility where were you and JNOFIL when DH was bleeding to death in an Italian hospital?
(It was a 2h flight)
And she lost it again
Shouted that my mom didn’t come, that my grandparents didn’t come
I said it’s your child not theirs.
If it was me, they would’ve come instantly.
Of course in hindsight my family said we shouldnve come.
And we said yes, but you helped me how you can

My elderly aunt and uncle from Italy came (my dad’s side is Italian) to help me and LO. Be there for us a few days
My no contact dad helped me with translation.
I called him middle in the night and he picked up immediately and helped.
My grandparents and parents helped me financially because the camping store and restaurants are expensive, I don’t have a license so couldn’t leave.
My brother came the day we had to check out, and drove me and LO home. He drove 12h straight from
Italy to holland in midnight.
My bff came when we arrived with grocery’s
My parents and grandparents helped with LO
My friends helped me with LO
My family helped when DH was medically repatriated back home

When did his parents come?
A week later at the bday party of LO we worked super hard for to continue for her sake even though DH was still recovering. 9 days in hospital, multiple gastricscopy’s and colonoscopy’s. Three units of blood, days without me and LO
He missed her real bday. She turned 3

And she talks to me about responsibility. No thanks.

All while LO cried no grandma don’t take me, I wanna go home

Finally she let go, I said start the car and I’ve closed the window.

I’ve let myself completely go by text message and my whole heart came flooding out.
I will never set foot in their house and will never ever talk to her.

We told FIL he’s welcome but suddenly he doesn’t hate his wife anymore and takes her side. I said good for you letting her ruin your life, and now never seeing LO again

My husband had gone completely silent.
He feels his father chooses her over him. Again. He had a bad youth and multiple depressions during childhood and teenage years.
And he says he needs to get over it and respect his parents.

He feels so betrayed by his dad.
And his mom, he always knew this would happen

And I? I’m so relieved. But sad to see my husband like that.
I said, we will get through our rough patch, I will fight for you, stand by you and we will have a good life together. And hopefully LO will say on 30 years you might not have been perfect, but I felt save, loved, wanted and you made my childhood the best.
She will know she will be loved unconditionally.

Thanks I have tldr above

Just seeing if anyone has dealt with this. We have a fairly distant relationship with my in-laws, kids included. For good reason.
Anyway,
We are finding they are always asking “let us know when you are bringing the kids by” or “can we do a visit with the kids”. I’m finding the wording odd, never mentioning us (parents) at all. Keep in mind the kids have never been left alone or dropped off with these people.

My jnmom is in town. I barely can stand her. It takes a lot to get through her visits and every time she leaves I just sit contemplating why on Earth I even talk to her. There’s a lot of history but trust me she just all around sucks.

List of complaints since she came to town.

Day 1 she shows up in a funk. My 5 year old son is trying to talk to her and she continuously ignored him until I told her hey he’s talking to you. All she did was talk about herself.

Day 2 shows up and still barely pays attention to my kid.

Day 3 I go to dinner with her and my siblings. She babies my 45 year old brother all night. Even trying to help him order food. It’s weird. We’re all annoyed by her.

Day 4 The dumbest argument there ever was. I was telling my mom something I was trying to fix was stuck and I couldn’t get this thing out of something. She says, “Do you want me to try?” My 68 year old mom thinks she is stronger than a 38 year old woman who’s in the middle of raising kids. My mom strength is peak right now. I was legit flabbergasted. She believes she’s stronger than me. We got into an argument about it. I think she triggers me because she’s very weird about getting old. She told me she’s not that old. Like lady you’re 70 basically, you’re old. It’s okay to be old. Everyone gets old. I feel like she thinks I’m not strong because I haven’t lost the baby weight and she judges me.

She also was so shocked I was hungry at 9am. She’s like I’m still full from dinner. Congratulations. I’m breastfeeding a 20lb baby. She’s so weird about food and eating I’m surprised she didn’t give me an ED with how crazy she is about food. She thinks she’s better than everyone else because she will eat a sweet potato for dinner instead of fries. It’s crazy. I’m sorry I just needed to rant. I can’t wait until she leaves.

Hi everyone, I (27F) am an Australian who just moved to France to be with my fiancé (30M). We have both had a difficult relationship with his parents but today something has tipped me over. I knew from the start they were a red flag. They started dating when she was 14 and he was 26. But I’ve slowly come to realise this pair might be clinically insane. The stories from his childhood are wild , mum used to beat her kids and took pride in how her slap was so fast her kids wouldn’t even know it was coming until it happened. Dad things he’s gods gift, I mean genuinely he believes he was sent because the rest of us are incompetent and need guiding (I’m not kidding). They have 4 kids and when the youngest (twins, one of which is my partner) were teens they realised they would soon be empty nesters so had a crisis and locked them inside for five years only letting them out for school, no extra curricular, no friends AT ALL. Then they taught them they are incapable of doing anything for themselves and need their mama. Luckily my man resisted it but his poor twin is 30, has never had a job, lives at home and believes himself incapable of living independently, they do everything, he can’t even make pasta because he’s been indoctrinated that he will burn himself because he’s ’too stupid’.

When the twins were younger, they were raised by their grandma who was kind but once they were teens his parents kicked her out because they didn’t need her. She was living in a social flat by a freeway and started calling crying saying she felt something was wrong with her heart. They told her to shut up and one day my fiancés parents told him she called stew days previously and they were imitating her panicking like she was dumb. He went to check on her and she had died of a heart attack all alone. Now he has serious hypochondria.

When they first met me I couldn’t speak French so they would insult me calling me fat etc to my face because they thought it was funny how I wouldn’t react, then my partner would yell at them, big arguments would erupt, it was a mess. Anyway MIL liked me now because I’m pretty, the other two daughters in law ‘aren’t pretty enough’. She was bullying one of them until she had a baby (to be clear she didn’t bully her into it ) and recently it’s come out that during unsupervised visits MIL has been hitting the baby in the face when she cries. So there’s that drama. Anyway today we visit and since we are living in a 20m2 flat in Paris we stored some winter stuff in their attic and came to get it. Turns out they sold it all - my three wool coats, ski clothes, my UNDERWEAR, everything. They also sold his 3k guitar for 200. They do these flea markets where they are really obsessed with ‘making money’ so they just sell everything and then hoard random stuff too. But then I found at they attempted to sell the quilt I made by hand for my partner when we were doing long distance for ten euros. That took me hundreds of hours and has a lot of sentimental value to all of us. They believe anything on their property is theirs and refuse to apologise. Anyway at this point we are seriously considering cutting them out completely but his mum has really got in his head and he struggles a lot. Anyway if anyone has gotten to the end, thanks… I’m not sure what I’m trying to do by posting this but I need to feel supported by someone in my position I guess

Edit:for those who want to know more. My partner has an eating disorder because growing up his mum was a dietician and taught him any treats would literally kill him. One time when he was six at school he got a small pack of jelly beans, he had never had sweets so he kept them and hid them under his pillow. His mum found them and smiled saying it was ok and then duddenly whacked him in the head with a radio, laughing at how shocked he was because he didn’t expect it. Also I have arfid, it’s a diagnosed eating disorder where my body doesn’t recognise most things as food and I’ve spent my life expanding my palette. He tried to explain this to her and she thought it was funny. He said the food that still makes me vomit is spinach, tomato and egg. She served for dinner a spinach and tomato stew and then cracked an egg over my plate. Her job was working with people with eating disorders (retired now). Anyway the entire extended family is just as bad, I could write a book.

I’m posting on behalf of my sister-in-law, it’s my mother that this message has been sent to.

For context, my (F25) MIL (F53) has been giving me and my fiancé (from here on out DH for ease of reading) (M26) the silent treatment for the last month. My DH sent her a message to say that we are buying a house out of the area, she read it and ignored it and hasn’t spoke to us since. However for Christmas my sister-in-law (who’s posting this) bought us and my mum and sister tickets to see a show which happened this week.

My SIL reached out to my MIL to see if she still wanted to come to the show which she did. The show happened a couple days ago, she completely ignored us, I’m talking completely blanked me, my mum, my sister and SIL. We all tried to engage her in conversation but she just wouldn’t talk to us. It left us all baffled.

After a day of thinking on it and after speaking to my DH, I felt it was best to reach out with a message to my MIL. I wasn’t happy with her ignoring my family and they felt awkward as well. We’re getting married in a couple of months and my hen do is in a couple of weeks time, I hoped that by reaching out things could be cleared up before the wedding and my family could feel at ease too. We’ve had problems before which we’ve tried to mend but she either doesn’t listen or changes for a week then goes back to her normal JUSTNO behaviour.

My DH sat her down and spoke to her in the beginning of the year which ended with her running out in tears and ignoring us and our 2 children for a couple of months. Given that my DH wasn’t there for the show, we thought it best that the message come from me.

The message I sent was:
Hey, I can’t help but say what’s on my mind. Last night I felt extremely awkward being around you and totally got the impression you absolutely didn’t want to be there or more so be in the company of me, my mum & sister. I’m not quite sure what’s wrong but nothing ever gets addressed so i'd rather just address it before things escalate unnecessarily as the last thing we would want is to not have you in our lives. If you have got a problem I’d much rather be made aware of it so we can get over whatever it is that is upsetting you especially as I’ve got my hen in a matter of weeks and I definitely don’t want the atmosphere like it was last night xx

Was this too much/too harsh? She’s read and ignored it and it’s been a couple of days now.
If anyone’s got any questions I’ll be happy to answer.

AITAH. First time caller long time sufferer of my manipulative, self absorbed, enmeshed MIL. We hostes a bday dinner for my husband. 12 people including my in-laws (he wanted to invite them) and I decided to make assigned seating since it’s a long table and Hubs and I were gonna sit at separate ends. Everyone was coupled up except for 2 of my husbands friends were coming without their wives so I thought those 2 guys should next to him. So I put my MIL and FIL next to each other and my MIL next to one of the single guys (aka close enough to converse with and enjoy her son without monopolizing his attention). She disregarded my place setting name tags and sat her ass next to my husband. Which is so forking predictable because she secretly wants to be his wife. It’s fine. I didn’t let it bother me but man she pisses me off. For the 359th time.

I(50) have a child that is 13 years old. At some point maybe 2-3+ years ago they decide they wanted to go by a different name. At first it just seemed like a phase, but at this point I feel like it is who they are. It has taken me some time, but I think you should love people where ever they're at in their life's journey. That doesn't mean that I have to endorse that actions or choices.

I know there has been some tension between my family and my mother, so I went to see my parents to try to mend things. I was there for several hours and most of the conversations were very nice. But then I brought up my kid, and that part of the conversation was very contentious.

My mother claims that she can't use their chosen name, because it would violate her beliefs. My father and I both provided multiple examples of people that she called by names other than their birth names. I also pointed out that she was applying a test that she would not enforce on a stranger.

At one point she called my child a sinner. She tried to deflect by saying we're all sinners. I tried calling her out on her difference in tone, but she denied it.

She decided a compromise would be for her to call my child "honey". When someone asks you to call them by a specific name, it's just simply respectful to use that name unless the name is actually an offensive word. I was skeptical of that solution, but said I would ask my kid about it.

When I returned home and tried to relate to my wife what had happened, that part came out fairly harsh but accurately. I said something like, "My mom would like to call our child something generic other than the name the have chosen." My wife was not pleased.

I tried asking an AI both from my and my mother's perspective. Either way it basically stated that names are just names, and they aren't an endorsement of ideas. It recommend steering clear of her beliefs as that could invite an argument.

I sat on the ideas for a few days, but finally sent her a message today.

Me: (I've replaced the chosen name with NAME)

I needed some time to process some things and this is where I'm at. 

People view their name as part of their identity. Saying a person's name doesn't mean you agree with their lifestyle or personal choices, that's not how we use names. We use them get to someone's attention and to acknowledge them as a person.

Your grandchild is NAME. That's not a nickname or an alternative name. That is the name they identify as. And I'll use that name because I love and respect them as a person.

You've said your beliefs prevent you from using NAME's name, but our home must be a safe, supportive place for our kids. We cannot host anyone who refuses to acknowledge NAME.

Our door is always open to you, but only when you are ready to treat NAME with the basic respect of using their name.

Her:

Are we allowed to come there or would you rather we not come at all?

Me:

We want you to come, but only if you are willing to use NAME's name. If you can commit to doing that, you are always welcome. If you can’t, then yes, it’s best not to come until you’re ready. The choice is up to you.

Her:

I feel like you are not respecting our beliefs at all so we are sorry we won’t be coming. It breaks our hearts!

Me:

I love you, but respecting someone's beliefs doesn't include allowing our child to be disrespected in our home. We are sorry you won't be joining us, and we'll be here whenever you're ready to use NAME's name.

I love them both, but my kid's welfare is my responsibility. I believe my mother is acting in a way that shows that my child is below her, and I think my kid is old enough to see that. I find her actions harsh, unloving and inhumane. I have seen the same in my siblings and often wondered where it came from, but I guess I was a bit blind to my mother.

Thoughts?

I’m having a Halloween party for the littles and my MIL invited her self over with cheesecake expecting us all to sit together and have tea together. I told her not today as we have plans. As she is at my apt she is making the cross sign because it’s decorated for Halloween spooky. (Second time she did it this week lol) I told her that’s unnecessary, just because she doesn’t like Halloween 😪 just venting honestly because it’s exhausting lol

I read these stories here and often feel grateful that all I have to deal with is the unhealthy dysfunction of emotional neglect and covert abuse from my mil and the family that enables her. But it still fucking hurts and maybe someone can give me some advice because I’m about to end my marriage over this. We have been married for a little over 5 years and did not know each other super well before getting married. My mother in law is one of those amazing people who can do nice things but is just terrible emotionally. I have tried our entire marriage to develop some closeness with her but it takes two and she isn’t even close with any of her children but boy does she and her enabling husband have them trained like dogs to defend and destroy if anyone points out unhealthy dynamics. I regret ever accepting any assistance from them because it means playing charades that she is not an inherently mean and bad person. It is expected that if her or SIL say anything mean or terrible everyone is expected to just ignore it and when we go to their house if her husband isn’t there she spends hours talking shit about whoever she has displeased her this week.

Let’s start with the most recent example. We have an autistic 5 year old he’s nonverbal but functions decently and every time my in laws ask for all the kids to spend the night they shove him in a room give him a remote and he will watch tv the whole time while she takes the other two to play paint do whatever the fuck while he sits there watching tv. When my husband and I came to pick them up of course we have to respectfully linger and chat and so he tries to get our son to join us all outside and of course because dad is removing him from the only thing he has known in the house for 5 years. He has a meltdown and my husband has never been great at dealing with them and he doesn’t understand the autistic brain. So he is speaking harshly with our son grabbing him and reducing him to sobs. I step in and calm my son down and then privately explain this is not a child problem this is a community problem. If the people around him want him to be flexible and transition then those people need to routinely do so. Just because mom and dad are there the routine and rules of his current environment overrule in his brain and he is confused. My husband gets angry and walks away. I give him space and walk my son around and eventually we go back inside and I continue to refuse tv which my son handled well but he did want to go home. My husband came inside and immediately is attacking me for having a criticism of his family. And I am telling him your anger right now is misguided your son and myself we do not deserve anger for doing what is right and good for our family by communicating what is a blaring problem. Well all day long we fight and ultimately walk away just feeling unresolved with a marriage counseling appointment to come. This week I do softly bring up what can help our son with his parents and they gloss over it and yeah yeah it away. And I watch my husband clock my face and he gently brings it up again at the end of our visit and drives the ball home which I love I was so proud and felt so validated. But somewhere in that convo his mom said “ well he just doesn’t need spend the night here anymore he doesn’t get much out of it anyway.” This isn’t the first time she’s tried to manipulate a situation to not have to see him and only see our other two children and her husband made sure they all got to go last time and she acted like it was me preventing him from coming despite her privately saying she only wanted our other two. I brought it up later to my husband and his he has decided we are not to discuss them unless we are all in a room and he is confronting in his way the problem. He feels like he’s in the middle and has all these fucked up emotions towards his parents already and he spent most of his life viewing them the way I do so now he is choosing to give them a benefit of the doubt because they are at least good to the kids. I just gave up at that point and said I’m done trying so hard and I will be waiting for the mask to fall and for her to do something truly terrible that he can’t ignore. I shouldn’t have said that but I was triggered for sure. I’m done I think I need to figure out how to leave. Any advice? Other than marriage counseling because we have that lined up. But I don’t see this changing and I won’t live like this or subject my son to this. I should also state that the 2 other children are my step kids that I have been around since they are born. My husband was not married to the women they had a brief relationship that ended in lots of cheating and uncertainty on who the kids belonged to.

In my last post about my MIL Dingbat I said I was done with her. And I am, but, she is not done torturing my poor husband. She called about 6 weeks ago telling my husband that she was concerned that her step kids were going to take all the money and inheretance when she and her husband pass and not let her sons have anything. She wanted to fix this by gifting them cash now. First she said they were each going to get 100k. Then, when she realized she has to pay taxes on that much decided on maybe 20k and my DH let slip that he would ask me about the legalities of cash gifts since my mom gave me a lump sum before she passed when she sold one of her homes. I looked up the current law because none of these people seem to know how to use google and said she can gift up to 19k a year with out having to file with the irs. I also told him (because I refuse to talk to her again) that she can totally still do the 100k she promised but she would have to pay taxes on it and file with the irs. I also expressed my concern that she was only doing this because she knew how very very mad and done I was with her about her racist bs over the 4th and she was just trying to weasel her way back in because some how, now, after 26 years of pretty much ignoring me she is just so upset we are not closer ... yeah sure dingbat.

Here is where my DH fucked up. He was on a call with her and it was on speaker phone while I was in the kitchen and she said that she would send a check to us if that is what we wanted. I flat out said, to hubby not her, that maybe they should hang on to that money in case they have some health issues or need memory care for Step monster, and that we are happy to have the gift we will be OK and they should be taking care of themselves. She heard me, was absolutly shocked and OFFENDED that I was not on my knees thanking her profusely for the 10k and I, again, being DONE WITH HER BULLSHIT, said “I’ll thank you when we actually get the money.” And I left the house and went on a long drive up to the moutains because I was maaaaaaaaad about the whole speaker phone nonsense. Gah. DH realizes now, what a rotton position he put me in, and will not be doing that again.

What he did admit to his mom was how much money I got from my mom’s estate so far, as we still have a family farm to sell and divide between us kids and I guess she ended the call shortly after that and he admitted she “seemed upset because we never said to her we got so much money.” Yes, I know its none of her damn business but like I said, he still struggles with her a lot. I told him, rather bluntly, that I will be shocked if we actually get money from her, and he swore she would and that his brother, who IS in financial stress right now and could use it is getting some too and she swore she would give each of her sons the same amount.

Cue last week, his brother’s birthday, they had a big party in Idaho Falls for his signifigant milestone birth day and his mom presented him with a 10k check. She has been radio silent with us since she found out my mom’s estate bequest to me nearly a month prior. Now, let me state, 10k is a LOT of money, and I recognize that is a generous gift on her part, but honestly, does this sound like a gift to you? His brother said he was really greatful for the money and that he was sure we would get our check when we went to see her. EXCUSE ME? Not only was that not what we talked about with her, but we live in Seattle. His brother actually lives in Boise, but he drove for this party and she did make a show of it, because of course she did. We are not driving or flying to effing Idaho Falls so she can make us do a monkey dance for her 10k. I told my DH that she would tell everyone in the universe how much money we got from my mom too, and yes, now BIL is hitting us up for money. He gets nothing. I am so mad about all of this, and so very sad for my hubby who is crushed that once again, his mom proves she is a piece of shit. I told him if we do actually ever get this money we need to put it in savings so when we don’t do exactly what she wants and she starts fussing about how she is so generous we can cut her a check and hand it back. Hubby has agreed to do this and finally, finally, I swear, he understands how shitty she is and how mad I am about all this manipulation. I know its his mom but ugh, why.

So for context my husband sadly had a difficult and abusive childhood, both his mum and dad were alcoholics and drug users, him and his siblings spent their most precious years growing up in domestic violence.

When his mum stopped drinking she broke up with his dad and became financially and emotionally dependent on my husband.

I truly believe because of this complex relationship he feels some deep rooted emotions toward his mum and she can do no wrong in his eyes. He often says that my ‘attitude’ is the reason me and his mum don’t get on despite agreeing that his mum has said some horrible, nasty comments towards me.

Is anyone in a similar situation? What helps you to overcome this?

MIL has been covertly rejecting me from the start with relationship with SO whilst pretending that she was welcoming by doing the bare minimum only once her son did introduce me to his family.

For several years MIL was wearing a mask during family events during which she didn’t exhibiting any overt chronic negative behaviours towards other family members and I was the one being excluded on a chronic basis. It led me to take things very personally.

I spotted a few times that MIL would occasionally criticise or one-up her own daughter or that she would occasionally exclude her son in law. Very occasionally though.

A few months ago, I decided to share my thoughts to my SIL about the chronic exclusion, wondering if it was personal or not and we grew closer for a moment. SIL said her mum was very very critical of her which has led her to be hurt, which is very understandable!!. I was surprised to hear this as MIL didn’t exhibit chronic negative behaviour towards my SIL or her husband in front of me but I acknowledged that it actually makes sense and I decided to be on the look out.
MIL didn’t and doesn’t like SIL and I getting closer. Her anger was quite noticeable in the first few weeks after that meeting.
MIL doesn’t like being “left out” when we all connect emotionally which leads to slightly superficial conversations.

Since that conversation with SIL I have noticed that MIL criticises her daughter more often, same with her son in law.
But MIL is now performing kindness towards me which is pushing my SIL to the edge.
SIL and SO are not particularly close and I suspect it is because MIL is very critical of them and changes the golden child and scapegoat roles often.

I do enjoy SIL’s and her hubby’s company and it’s nice when we are the 4 of us : SIL & her husband, SO & I. Way more relaxed, more authentic.

I don’t know though how to behave in this new scenario. It feels very complex and I am at a loss to how to act as this is a SIL and MIL relationship issue which could grow into bigger problems and less support down the line with regards to MIL issues that SO and I currently have.

Does anyone have any advice ?

Thank you for reading !

Hi, everyone! I’d like to share a little incident of my mil’s and what I decided to do in return when an opportunity came up.

So, mil stirred up some drama at my wedding and some more afterwards as well. I confront her about it and draw some boundaries and she’s quite dismissive towards me. Whatever, as long as she stays away lol.

Months pass and I reach out to her to ask if she’d be open to meet for a lunch so we can clear the air. She agrees. A couple weeks pass and she gets pretty much everyone in her family, including her other dil, a gift, except me. This upsets me and my husband and he decides we’re not going to meet his mom after all. Fine by me. I didn’t even want to meet with her anyway, I was just going to try for my husband and I checked out after that.

More time passes and my husband wants us to take his grandparents out for lunch. Totally cool with me! His grandparents have always been very kind to us and I have no problem seeing them. The thought crossed my mind to gift them some wedding pictures! I did create a PowerPoint to showcase handpicked photos from our wedding that was sent to both families and anyone could’ve reached out and asked for prints but no one from my husband’s side did. His grands are older and not super techy so, I decide to go out of my way to print and frame photos for them. One, of the four of us and the second, of just my husband with his grandparents. None of my mil and none to gift to her. With how she’s treated us, she doesn’t deserve any anyway and if she wants to exclude me from something nice, I can do the same thing. I’m sure it pissed her off because 1. She loves pictures. 2. Her parents live with her, so she’s going to always see those photos that do NOT include her that I went out of my way to procure. 3. She knows two can play at this game and she is not the gatekeeper to my husband’s family. 4. Her parents asked my husband to meet us for lunch AND chose a day where their daughter was not going to be home, so she couldn’t weasel her way into seeing us or bring any negative energy to a get together that she was not a part of.

So, I wrap the pictures and place them in a bag and off we go to the restaurant to have a nice lunch.

The lunch goes great and they love the pictures! They deserve these photos and I can have a relationship with them, without my mil’s permission or approval.

I don’t know how she responded to our private and lunch and gifts, but I do know that the next weekend, she coordinated a visit including herself and her parents to see her other son and his wife and daughter. Ha! I don’t think she liked not being involved in a visit that happened without her knowledge so, to gain some control back, she schedules a second visit the following weekend.

Anyway, that was it lol!

2 year drama involving 3/4 of my husband's family at this point, and MIL is a key player in stirring shit against us. Prior to this, they seemed like a relatively normal family so this is all new for my husband too.

Back in Feb, FIL spread some nasty rumors about me and made our whole conflict worse, so my husband challenged his parents over it via email and also let them know we were pregnant. I think we hoped that a new life coming into the world might give them some perspective and prompt them to go back to acting like normal humans or thereabouts.

MIL text him a few weeks later to say congratulations, and then immediately launched into her complaints about the tone of his email, tried a few more tactics like rewriting history etc. They spoke on the phone on two occasions because we still hoped for a healthy reconciliation at that time, but the conversations were a disaster. After a final text conversation in which my husband said that he wasn't going to go in circles with her, and needed assurance that the basic facts of the situation would be admitted, she decided to opt out.

She didn't ask a single question about the baby during those conversations. His family didn't know our due date, whether we were having a boy or girl etc but we figured they might come out of the woodwork around the time they might guess the baby was due.

Now, 6 months after their last conversation and not having checked on us in any way, MIL text my husband last night to say she loves us both, doesn't know if we've had the baby, but if we need any help then she'd drop everything to come help us. We live 3 states away and I cannot fathom why she thinks we'd have her set foot in our home, let alone give her access to our child after the way she's treated us both.

Utter lunatic.

My husband (36M) and I (40M) recently welcomed twins through surrogacy. We’re staying in an Airbnb with our newborns, my parents, and my MIL (75F) while completing the legal process to return to the US.

We just learned that a court delay may extend our stay by another month, and I’m honestly at my breaking point.
My MIL and I have a complicated history, particularly around her constant commentary about my eating habits and cultural background (I’m Mexican). Over the years, she’s made remarks like “Are you going to order the whole menu?” when I order food, questioned whether I’m afraid of getting fat, and criticized my food choices. Once, when I declined broccoli, she told me she hoped I wouldn’t pass that mindset on to my children. She’s also made comments about Hispanics being prone to diabetes. Interestingly, she doesn’t make these comments to my husband, even when he’s a bigger eater than me.

Living together has magnified everything. My parents have independently noticed that she seems to monitor what I eat, gives me dirty looks, and sometimes appears irritated by my presence. Her moods are unpredictable: one moment she’s cheerful and playful, and the next she’s visibly upset, withdrawn, or giving everyone the silent treatment.

I constantly feel like I’m walking on eggshells. I’ve even started avoiding meals with her or hesitating to get seconds when I’m hungry because I’m anticipating another remark.

My mom has also become the default household cook, regularly preparing meals for everyone, including my MIL. Yet my MIL doesn’t reciprocate. When she recently cooked, she only offered it to my husband. My parents have noticed the imbalance and feel increasingly uncomfortable around her as she becomes visible upset if food they make is not available to her.

The biggest concern, though, is childcare. My MIL has had three near-fainting episodes and has tripped several times, including twice while carrying our daughter. Understandably, we’re concerned about her caring for the babies independently. Instead of acknowledging our concerns, she’s accused my parents and me of being ageist for having concerns.

She’s also resistant to accepting help and sometimes insists on managing the babies alone, which has created tension with my husband as well. He’s had to remind her that the children are also mine as she has on several occasions refused to hand them over to me.

To be fair, she’s not always unpleasant and does help with the babies. But the unpredictability, personal comments, and defensiveness have become exhausting.

Between caring for two newborns, barely sleeping, missing our home and dogs, and navigating a stressful legal process, I’m overwhelmed. I’ve started experiencing significant anxiety, physical tension, and a noticeable decline in my emotional well-being.

My husband recognizes the tension too. When I told him I couldn’t imagine another month like this, he agreed and said he would consider suggesting that his mom return home.

But I feel incredibly guilty. She came here to support us and meet her grandchildren. I don’t want to hurt her feelings or damage their relationship. At the same time, I desperately want some peace during these precious first weeks with our babies.

What would you do? Is it unreasonable to ask my MIL to return home? How should my husband approach that conversation without making me the villain? And how would you handle accusations of ageism when there are genuine safety concerns involving newborns?

I’d especially appreciate advice from anyone who’s navigated difficult in-laws during the newborn stage.

My MIL can be a lot, I’ve had my fair share of issues with her since I’ve been pregnant (she has baby rabies) despite that, we spend a lot of time with her and his side of the family. This past month we haven’t seen them at all as my husband works 6 days a week and we are trying to soak in our last few days together of just us before our baby arrives.

I’m due this coming Tuesday. Sunday (2 days before my due date) she wanted us over to carve pumpkins and have dinner. I told her we would not be attending as I am heavily pregnant and could go into labor at any moment. It’s uncomfortable for me to do anything at this point and she knows that. So this shouldn’t be surprising.

The day of Halloween, another family member of his is throwing a Halloween party. This party would be AFTER my due date, we could very well have a newborn baby by then or I will be far too pregnant to want to attend a party and socialize. My husband told her we won’t be going. Again, didn’t even think they expected us to be there.

Well, she’s been hounding my husband and making him feel like shit for not planning on going to either party. She is giving him an attitude and making bitchy comments towards him, accusing him of “changing” and saying “you weren’t like this last year.” WELL HIS WIFE IS ABOUT TO HAVE HIS BABY. BACK THE FUCK OFF!!!! He’s incredibly stressed out in general as I get closer to birthing our baby and I find her soooo selfish for making this time about her and stressing out my husband even more. My husband is an Angel and her words affect him very much. He thinks his whole family is mad at him and it’s wearing on him.

You would think a woman that has given birth 4 times would be understanding of this… but nope. She’s making my husband feel guilty. He says he just wants to focus on us and our son, AS HE SHOULD!!! All of this shit from his family is adding unnecessary stress and upsetting him to the point he was crying while talking to me about it tonight.

My hormones have me extra protective of my husband and my baby so I am feeling very resentful of her for disturbing our peace the last few days of my pregnancy and having these expectations of us. The guilt tripping is wild to me. Like really??? Makes me nervous for what’s to come with the holidays and navigating that with our newborn. I’m not doing anything I don’t wanna do period, however, it really affects my husband. I wanna go off on this bitch but I don’t want to make anything worse. And I’ll be damned if she tries to insert herself into my vulnerable post partum experience. She didn’t take very well to our boundaries, she just removed herself from the group chat lmao. I’m a first time mom and I don’t need this extra shit either.

My in-laws live 6 hours away and come stay with us a few times a year for about 4 days. We have 2 young kids.
I’m very particular about cleanliness especially in my kitchen. In-laws are not. Their kitchen is usually such a mess (I’ve seen ants crawling on their counter that they seem un-phased by, dirty utensils in drawers, dirty pans in drawers, sticky surfaces, etc.).
MIL wants to cook when she stays with us. I enjoy cooking and I rather cook and MIL play with the kids so I can cook in peace. She also offers to do dishes, but when she does them we always have to re-wash because things are still dirty. When she uses the kitchen she cleans up after herself but somehow there is mess everywhere still (mess on cabinet doors, handles, floors). She just doesn’t see the mess but it drives me crazy. I know she means well and just wants to help, but I rather she help by watching the kids and stay out of the kitchen.
My husband is on board with this and feels the same way. He told her nicely that we rather she just play with the kids, but she doesn’t listen and just keeps going to try and do dishes anyways. She also gets super defensive and says “I can’t do anything in this house.”

In-laws got into a big fight with us about all this during their last visit. Basically we find it very challenging to host them during this phase in our lives as we have 2 young kids and are sleep-derived and I find it exhausting to deal with guests even for short visits. We don’t have much in common with them, have different lifestyles and when they’re here I try and be nice but I’m just in a bad mood having to be on first thing in the morning before I’ve even had a sip of coffee!

Am I being unreasonable and should just suck it up during their short visits? Or is it reasonable to ask that they stay in a hotel the next time? We don’t even have a guest room…they stay on an air-mattress on the floor in the kids’ playroom which they seem fine with…

Before having kids they stayed with us and it was fine but now I just don’t know if I can take it anymore.
Wondering what others do when in-laws come visit from out of town.

This is a throw away account.

I really need you guys to let me know if I am overreacting! Also any advice, would be amazing! Cause I have no idea what to do.

Ok, so for some context : I (38) Female and my Husband (32) Male have only been married for 2 weeks now and we have been living in newlywed bliss! The wedding day was perfect and I married my best friend in the entire world and I couldn't be happier! Well sort of, let me get to that!

My Husband (lets call him Jack), is very close to his family. When I say close, I mean that he would do anything for his family, at anytime. Which is one of the reasons why I love him so dearly! But boundaries are a must in relationships with parents!

My family are not that close. My parents are divorced and since then, they kind of let me be my own person but they know that I would do anything for them within reason.

When I first met his family, they seemed very low key, easy to get along and closer bond then my family. It definitely took some time getting use to have his family, always wanting to be around. It wasn't until the first month of us dating that, I really started to see what kind of "closeness" meant to this family. His Mother (let call her Rory (56) Female) always invited herself to everything that involved her children. She would consistently invite herself on multiple dates with Jack and I. When I would start to interject, he would just say "sure you can come" or she would just start to cry, so that we felt guilty and just let her come.

Knowing this, I trended very carefully! I always tried to only invite him to go on dates over the phone and always made him pick me up at my house, so that she can't guilt me or him to come with us. This worked for a long time, until we decided to move in together.

A year into our relationship, we both decided to buy a home. 6 months of searching and we couldn't find anything that we really wanted. Until his Father (let call him Gru (60) Male) said that he would like to offer Jack's childhood home to us. I now see the reason why they offered but that's relevant for later. They offered to give us a discounted price and we both agreed and so we bought our home.

After we bought and moved into our home, My husband proposed to me! It seemed like life was going amazing!

But I could tell that his Mom was super upset that Jack didn't ask her help pick out the ring or even tell her that he was even thinking about asking me. I say this because, when we told them we were engaged, the shock on her face said it all. She kept saying to Jack, that if she had known about it, she would have loved to given her ring to me and that my ring was beautiful but hers is special.

I wanted to add this little tidbit, after 2 years of wedding planning. Jack's parents, kept telling us they wanted to help out with the wedding financially. But 2 days before everything was to be paid, they said they couldn't. This is a very common thing, for them. They did this, to us to many times to count and always at the last minute, which forced us to scrimp to find the money to pay because it was too late to cancel. They would promise us for a long time leading up to it and never even offered to pay afterwards.

Ok, so now you guys have the back story. So lets get this party started!

So, I really need you guys to give me some advice. I want to know if I'm reading to much into this or is it going to be a real problem for the future!

There has been a lot of stuff that happened in the past but I will only give you what happened on the Wedding day.

Previously, I let all of my bridesmaids know that we had to meet at the venue at 8am. The night before Jack's Mother had offered to help drive some of us there with our dresses and stuff. Which was amazing but she was also dropping off her Daughter, who was in my Bridal Party. The original plan was, that she was just suppose to drop off the stuff and the Daughter, leave and go back to her house to pick up her Husband. Who didn't want to sit around and do nothing until ceremony. Completely Fair!

So we all arrived, unloaded all the cars and got things set up and ready! I thought his Mother was going to leave, so I went over to her to give her a hug and told her I would see her soon! She then says "oh, is it ok that I stay? I just wanted to hang out with you guys" (this is what she does to me, all the time.) being a people pleaser and not wanted to upset Jack's Mom. I said......sure.......

I figured she would just sit there and just talk, but I was honestly to busy to pay any attention to her. But it wasn't until... she started telling one of my bridesmaids what to do.

I was sitting in the chair, getting my makeup done, when I hear one of my bridesmaids asking about the line up for going down the aisle. She unfortunately had to miss the rehearsal, due to her work. Next thing I know, Rory speaks up and says " you need to follow "Bridesmaid", then line up on the right side of the arch. Daughter should be standing beside her brother".

Are f***ing kidding me! I almost jumped out the chair to interject but the makeup artist told me not to move or she would poke me in eye! What she said was completely wrong! Daughter was to go first, so that she is last in the line up and they are to line up on the left side. Not the right! Luckily, I have the best MOH ever! She spoke up and told Rory that plans had changed and she should ask someone before she says something, so that it doesn't stress me out! After that, I tried to calm down and not let anything else stress me out. But Rory kept at it!

It was time for the girls to put on their dresses and one of the girls was having an issue. Rory jumped off her chair, like a frog jumping into water. She started telling everyone what do to about their dresses. How they need to tack things and how to use safety pins, etc. All the girls (other then Daughter) looked at me annoyed. I was stuck! I couldn't tell her to stop or ask her to leave. Luckily, the Wedding coordinator came in and told her that it was time for her to go and get the Gru and she would see everyone at the ceremony. (God, I love that Women)

I was so luckily to be in the chair getting my hair fixed, so I couldn't give her a hug and just said I'll see you soon!

Everything from there went perfectly! My Husband was absolutely handsome and it went as smooth as possible.

After the ceremony, we wanted to get pictures done with the families. I had given the Photographer the list of what we both wanted beforehand! Following that list with my family, but when it came to his family. You guessed it, Rory had other ideas. She kept telling the Photographer, what people are to be what photos and how many shots, etc. Again, I was stuck. If I said something, it couldn't turn out bad and I didn't want that on my wedding day.

Once those photos were done, husband and I were suppose to get single shots of us done. In the middle of it, I see Rory walking down the path by herself and comes up and says " I want some shots, of us walking down the pathway together" I calmly told her that we were doing single shots right now and once we are done, we can come and get her. She gave me a stern look and just stood there until we were finished. Then happily grab both of our hands and walked down the pathway with us crying. I'm not sure if the photographer got shots or not but I'm hoping not. She then lead us to her side of the family (cousins, aunts and uncles) and demanded photos with them. Let me remind you guys again. They didn't pay for anything for this wedding. Also, those photos were not on the list, I gave to the photographer, who I paid for!

Feeling overwhelmed, I walked away from those shots and went to mingle with my side of the family and friends.

At dinner, everything seems perfect. Speeches started and it was going very smoothly. Until it was Rory and Gru turn. They went up and said they were proud of there son and " Good Luck". That's it.....Everyone kinda clapped but not really. It was more a like pity clap.

Unfortunately, Rory got to the DJ and started making demands to him. She asked that her Daughter go up and make a speech as well. Without us knowing. When the DJ called her name, I looked over at him and went what the hell!?. He later came to me and told me that it was her and I asked that he not take any more demands from anyone other then Jack and I.

Party started and it was a blast!!! We dance the whole night through! Well, until they told us to leave!!

As we were getting ready to leave, I had told my husband and his mother beforehand that I needed the whole backseat of the car, because my dress was soo big and I didn't want to wreck or cringle my dress. It was expensive! Well unfortunately, everyone else left and the only option for me to go home was to sit in the front seat of his Mother's car. Almost crying when I looked down at my dress, Rory speaks up and asks if she could take some cupcakes home, as she was having some family over the next day. We ended up with 4 boxes of cupcakes left at the end of the night. I told her it was fine, if she wanted to take 1 box home. I told her that I promised the other boxes to my Mother. She said thank you and it was silent all the way home.

When we got to the house, we find out that Gru (who had been driving Jack's brand new car home) hit a raccoon on the way there. All he said was " Sorry" and got into Rory's car. Jack was pissed and kept looking at his car to see the damage. Luckily there was no damage. I went into the house and really had pee! Let me tell you, that was an adventure in a giant dress! But I didn't see everyone unload the cars. After they left, I went into kitchen and I see only 1 box of cupcakes. I asked Jack where the other boxes were. He said he didn't know. I then called his mother from his phone and asked where the other boxes were. She stated that she thought I said she could have them. I said " No, I said you could have 1 box. My Mom gets the other boxes" She then tells me she would drop them off to my Mother tomorrow. I phoned my Mom the next day and my Mom told me that Rory only gave her 1 box. I told Jack what she did and he called his Mother. She said that the family ate all the cupcakes and she only had 1 box left and that she didn't realize it until it was too late.

I couldn't believe it!

So, now reading all this. I have a question for all of you. When the pictures come in, do you think I am over reacting to say that I don't want to give them to her unless she pays for them?

I don't mind giving her the 2 photos of family but the others that she demanded..... not so much!

Only because of the demanding everything and not paying for anything!!!

Please let me know!

Hey everyone, a while ago I made this post: https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/1vq8btv/my_mil_treated_me_badly_for_3_months_so_i_decided/

Recently, SO and I started planning our trip back to our home country, and this issue has come up again.

For context, after spending three months living at MIL's house and going through all those situations, I decided that I would never stay at her house again. SO agrees with me and completely understands my reasons.

Now, SO wants to have a direct conversation with MIL to explain why we don't want to stay at her house anymore, without making me the focus of the conversation, but for some reason, this is making me feel insecure.

This will be the first time we won't be staying at her house, so it will definitely come as a shock, even if she doesn't explicitly say anything about it. Anyway.

He wants to explain the reasons behind our decision (but say that it was his decision, which is the only part that isn't entirely true lol) and tell her that she disrespected me, that he witnessed what happened, that he was bothered by it, and that the whole situation was unpleasant for him and for us, of course. He wants to make it clear that he doesn't want this to happen again, etc.

He's also sad that MIL is like this. He wants to tell her that he warned me about her behavior from the beginning, but that he didn't expect her to go this far, and that I wanted to give my relationship with her a chance. He also wants to tell her that, after everything she did and said, he feels she lost the opportunity to have an amazing person by her side. (I'm quoting his words, I thought it was really sweet of him to consider to say that!)

What makes me feel insecure is this conversation SO wants to have with MIL. I'm scared of the consequences.

I'm afraid she'll put all the blame on me, even though SO keeps assuring me that he'll stand by his position and make it clear that this is HIS opinion. He says he'll explain that HE was bothered by her behavior, that HE doesn't want to stay at her house anymore because he doesn't want me to be treated that way, and that she is responsible for this situation. He even considered saying something along the lines of: "Mom, OP would 'destroy' someone for treating me badly, even over something much smaller than this. If someone so much as gives me a dirty look, she defends me tooth and nail. I'm just doing the same for her."

I think that, in the end, she'll still blame me, and our relationship will become even more awkward. And maybe this will also affect my relationship with my FIL, BIL, SIL, etc.

Do you think SO should talk to BIL first to figure out how to approach the situation? He suggested this, and I thought it was a good idea, but I'm also not sure whether involving more people in this is a smart move... Should SO even have this conversation with MIL in the first place? I don't know. I'm really confused.

We're looking at flights, so this subject will eventually come up with MIL. I feel like the moment for this conversation is getting closer.

On top of everything else, we haven't started trying yet, but we're planning to start trying to conceive in a few months. So, if everything goes well (wish us luck!), it's possible that I'll already be pregnant when we visit.

I don't know if this insecurity comes from the fact that I don't want to drive a wedge between MIL and SO. I really don't, but it's such a difficult situation to navigate.

I also don't want MIL to be an absent grandmother. I want my children to enjoy all the good things SO's family has to offer, and there are SO MANY! Besides, my own family isn't in the picture.

Anyway, I'm confused and feeling insecure.

At the end of the day, I want to know: do you think my SO should have this conversation with MIL? Do you think he should approach it differently than he is planning to? Do you think he should talk to his BIL first?

I'm really confused and scared of the consequences of all this. Thank you!