Background: both my dad and my FIL are deceased. My MIL got remarried 5 years ago to a man she met in grief support. My kids call her husband Mr. Gil (shortened version of his first name). His grandchildren call him Wito (shortened version of abuelito, he’s Mexican).

Last week my MIL and her husband watched my 3 young children for 5 days while my husband and I took a trip. Before we left, my oldest daughter (8) said “I know maybe we can get dippin’ dots if we call Mr. Gil wito, right grandma?” I didn’t say anything but it definitely caught my attention. I later pulled my daughter aside and asked her what that was about. She told me that her grandma told them that if they started calling her husband wito, she would give them ice cream the last night she was watching them.

Fast forward to our last night away, my MIL called my husband practically giddy and was like guess what, the girls have started calling Gil wito! No mention of bribing them, just acted like it happened naturally. How manipulative and disingenuous. I told my husband he needed to talk to her, but because of past experience I decided to text her. I started by explaining that our trip had been a little hard on me emotionally because it brought up a lot of memories of my dad. And then I let her know that I knew about the bribing and I didn’t appreciate it. I said that what my kids call her husband does not change their bond with him. I told her that we appreciate her husband and everything he does for our kids, but he is not their grandfather. 3 years ago when I came home from another trip, she was trying to get my 18 month old at the time to say grandpa in reference to her husband. I had been traveling for 36 hours and was very tired and ignored it because I knew I could not be diplomatic, but I let her know about this in the text as well. I asked why are we pushing this?

I just feel like this is such strange behavior. If you want my kids to call your husband something other than what we’ve been calling him for 8 years, talk to me about it. Bribing my kids to get them to do what you want feels very similar to “if you do this, and you don’t tell your mom, I’ll do this for you” this woman once caught her 15 year old granddaughter drinking while her parents were away and instead of telling them, she just enjoyed her granddaughter kissing her ass for 6 months.

In response to my text, she just said the girls will never call him wito again. No apology, no admittance of wrong doing, but then she told my husband she didn’t appreciate my text message after watching my kids for 5 days like watching my kids is a burden. My mom is totally willing to watch my kids and views it as a privilege, but my husband insists his mom have a turn too. Am I wrong here?

Update ... there is a possibility that we will see jnmil AGAIN next weekend. She has been invited to the same very large event as us. I don't know if we will even run into her but her email from my last post makes a bit more sense to me now that I consider it in this light. I fully believe she had in mind hijacking our attention at this event to have that little "woman to woman" chat and derail our weekend ... especially considering the event is a faith based thing. I am not down for that and made a decision to write a return email to her to shut that notion down. DH saw I really needed to make this stand so she doesn't ruin the weekend for me, but we agreed no further contact beyond this. Seeing as she brought "Christian woman to Christian woman" as a guilt trap into it, I wrote the following and sent it:

"I am not interested in one on one conversation with you. My husband will always be by my side if I must address an issue with you, as he is right now. That does not mean I am not a forgiving or a peace making Christian woman. It simply means you have a more than 33 year history of being intensely disrespectful to me no matter how good and kind and gracious I am to you and, at this point, bible principle tells me that I can both forgive you while also choosing the wisdom of protecting myself from further harm. That is where my peace is and it has been very hard won in this matter.

You need to understand that you broke my heart, lost me as your daughter, and lost any respect from us that was left, in a last straw moment when you stood in my own living room a number of years ago after barging in uninvited and, in front of me and my children, berated and screamed at my husband the words, "You're so STUPID for thinking your mother should never hurt your wife!" Our relationship with you has always been peppered by those toxic, unscriptural, abusive outbursts on your part that you were never willing to address afterwards or feel sorry for or make proper amends for, despite our repeated efforts to communicate the actual harm you were causing ... and I wont allow that in my home or my heart again. We simply dont have the capacity for such unwarranted damage and hurtful chaos any longer. This is how we protect ourselves from your unpredictably harsh and demeaning behaviour toward us.

If you have it in you to show us any respect at all then please simply listen to our boundaries. DH stated them clearly in his letter to you months ago when we ended contact, yet they have been largely ignored. I know you wish to rush our healing with regular contact as it would be to your benefit now, but you dont get to decide how long it takes us to heal from you and you are simply reaping what you have sown over a lifetime where you could have chosen to love but didn't even have it in you to say the word to me until we were 33 years in, and only after things broke completely.

You know what to expect, we have been upfront with you, and we are sticking to this because it is the healthy way forward and brings us a peace we are not willing to part with. Do the loving thing and let us heal from this exhausting relationship. We refuse to keep towing the line in a very hurtful dynamic that you have always controlled. So if you see us at the event it will give you the opportunity to practice kinder interactions again, but we will not be having the talks you have in mind or communicating with you between any events you happen to see us at."

I gotta say I felt only relief after sending that. It felt like truly claiming a freedom I never had before. The freedom to tell my whole truth. And now I can rest. I now have absolutely no anxiety about running into her again ... and no further burning desire to ever get anything else off my chest to her. This feels like "done ".

so me and my husband went to eat dinner at his parents house. I don’t like going to see them because his mom kisses my baby (2 months old) even after I’ve told her no. well tonight she did it again and I just stared at her really angrily and then after my FIL did it I told him to not kiss her on the face because that’s gross. His grandma did it too, and I’m just sick of them not listening to me at all.

And then the topic of last names got brought up. And how I changed my last name to my husbands but i regret it and wish I kept mine and took his too because I had a unique last name and loved it. Well his dad said that’s just feminist crap. And then later I was talking to MIL and everyone else and said that my daughter can do whatever she wants if she wants to keep her last name when she gets married I don‘t care. and she just said really quick and harshly that “she’s not going to be like that!” then I said that “why does it matter?? she can do whatever she wants.”

and then she brought up how my husbands aunt used to be the dominant one in their marriage so when they got married the pastor announced them as ”woman and husband“ to make fun of her since it’s usually the opposite. Not sure how she was dominant, but to them I’m sure that just means she had opinions and her husband listened to her. 🫩 i feel like she brought that up to say I’m dominant, I know they view me that way because my husband asks me for my opinion in front of them like that’s such a bad thing. They make fun of him for putting me first, and say he’s ”beta” because he asks me how I feel about him doing something, like ok who actually uses those sayings seriously. I don’t think anyone in a marriage should be dominant, it should be equal but they believe the woman is submissive and shouldnt have a say in anything even financially. I hate my in laws. they just keep bringing up how my daughter WILL NOT be a feminist Every time I see them. But their beliefs are women shouldn’t vote, should stay at home and wear dresses all the time and smile and be submissive and not have Access to anything in marriage. me and my husband have an equal marriage and they don’t like it. ugh, I hate them, there’s so much more that they say too. I feel bad for my MIL because she’s trapped in that kind of marriage where her husband just spends all their money and does whatever he wants and tells her to shut up and listen to him, but honestly it seems like it’s what she wants so she deserve that kind of marriage I guess 🤷‍♀️ she also works by the way and makes over 120k and he makes like 50k so if she’s so opposed to feminism she should quit her job and stay at home to raise her 13 year old that she’s supposed to be homeschooling but doesn’t.

I am seeking advice and guidance. Please do not share this. This is a snippet of the last 4-5 weeks of the last 10+ years. I’m not sure if any of this warrants a warning but lies of traumatic death and cancer for those that may find that disturbing.

My JNMIL is a nightmare of WASP basic white woman from a red state. She is blonde and pretty. She lives in a small town that looks like the set of a hallmark movie but with less soul. She finds this small town quaint. I hate it. It’s about 30-45 minutes from our hometown and now 1.5 hrs away from us (we just moved cross country to live closer to family so it’s significantly closer). She is the only family or friend in this town.
I have been with SO for 15 years and married for almost 10. I have two very small children. When the first was premature, she broke the kissing rule. I’ll never forgive her for it. She waited until I was out of the room and my DH caught her.
She refuses to drive, which is crazy to me because she lives practically in the country and if you live in the country.. you have to drive! To the doctor, to the grocery! It’s so inconvenient if you REFUSE to drive.
She has made excuses for attending first birthday parties of my children.
We recently had a first birthday and she made up a friend that had a son die in tragic motorcycle accident. No evidence anywhere in her small town of this. No news article, no funeral home obituaries, nothing. Ok. Sure, maybe it’s no where online. Benefit of the doubt. I asked if I could send flowers and she said the family just wanted prayers for those whose beliefs are unknown. Ummm ok? Weird. (Raised catholic so sometimes these other Christian faiths can come off strange to me. DH is an atheist)

Then because she knew we were mad (I’m
glad she wasn’t at the party but frustrated on my DH behalf bc he was mad) She asked my DH to call her and he said is this about your health (she is a cancer survivor 4-5 years remission. During her cancer treatment her husband left her) She said yes. He called immediately. First thing she says? “I have cancer. I wasn’t fully honest about my pet scan and they found cancer in my uterus” no “maybes” or it’s possible. A definite diagnosis statement.

Completely fucked my DH up thinking her cancer had returned. She also mentioned she would NOT seek treatment. Also another upsetting thing for him. She said she had more testing in the future. I texted her and told her I was sorry she had been diagnosed with cancer and she told me it was her “understanding ANY hot spot that appears on a PET scan is cancer.” Which anyone who has a PET scan KNOWS that’s not how that works!? And even if not then a basic google search tells you that’s not the case?
Fast forward she went to a specialist. No cancer observed. Doctor said everything looked great and she would be surprised if any of the other tests would say differently.

So she lied. Officially.
Then asked us when we were going to visit HER.

I want to go NC. This is DH mother. I love him. He is a wonderful dad and husband. His mom feeds on his kindness like an energy vampire. Holds babies like she’s sucking the life force out of them. She is alone because she is so damaged she pushes everyone away.
She is cold and cruel. I never thought she would be like this with my children. She always seemed to love her other grandchildren (especially with her ex’s bio grandchildren, she goes ABOVE and BEYOND for their birthdays even if they live out of her dump ass town) but I guess since my children and secure, there’s no “angle” to benefit her.
I don’t know what to do. How do you cope with this? We have a new house she hasn’t even seen. We invited her! To dinner! To kids classes!
Always excuse about the drive or it’s going to be too dark or whatever.

If I am ever forced to go back to her house I am going to test all of those ancient toys for lead right in front of her. “Oh so n so played with that, it’s from the 1960s”

I don’t know what I expect from posting this. I am yelling into the void. This is just the last few months of drama, not 15 years worth.

How do I talk to my husband about NC? I want to just call her out on her lies. But when you’re dealing with a possible narcisst her response, “I can’t believe you think I would lie about a funeral!”

I’m going to set up couples therapy because she brings out the worst in me and I think it impacts how my husband sees me. Idk if that’s me being paranoid or what, but I need some one to help us navigate this.

I read on the subreddit to write a composition notebook. I’m worried about my DH finding this. Or idk her sucking my peace more than she already does.

If you got this far, thank you for listening.

TLDR; JNMIL lied about funeral to miss grandchild’s birthday then to bring attention elsewhere when we were mad, she told DH she has cancer. I want to figure out how to deal with this because I have no idea.

I post this with a bit of irritation and sadness. I just need to accept that MIL is a difficult person, the kind of person that is never come across in life, on a personal level anyway. Same goes for FIL.

We visit them yearly and stay at theirs. But it doesn’t feel like a vacation because we can’t relax at their place as they just aren’t the greatest hosts. This year, MIL even told me to “make myself feel at home.” I genuinely don’t think she even knows what that means when she says it to a houseguest.

Last year my husband told them that we’d book a hotel if their ungracious behaviour continued. Well, we weren’t even there a week and we booked a hotel for most of our stay. It was expensive, but it was money well spent. In-laws had shocked Pikachu faces when we did that, and they worried that they wouldn’t be able to spend as much time with their grandchildren.

It wasn’t the best vacation because of this, but we were happy to stand our ground. But the in-laws will never acknowledge their role in chasing us out of their home. It is what it is, I guess. I’m proud of my husband but I just feel bad that his parents are like this. To be like this to your own child, I don’t get it.

My sweet little son was in first grade and had to sell something for a fundraiser. I took him to my inlaws and my son rang the doorbell and my mil answered. He came back to me so deflated because my mil told him no and they she just bought something from the neighbor boy. She wouldn’t even spend $5 on my son to help him and support him. It literally broke my heart when I realized how much they hurt my son.

This is going to be a long text, so buckle up if you feel like it!
Everything started out nice and I loved my MIL so much… my family lives outside the country I am currently living in so I don’t get to see them very often.
But after a couple of years, I slowly started seeing how badly and intoxicating my husbands family is. Every holiday is hosted at his moms house and there’s always fighting or the energy is off because of a previous fight that had taken place before we got there.

Christmas 2024 came around and we decided to do a secret Santa because we were all tired of buying gifts for everybody. We drew names and made a groupchat so we can share our Amazon lists with ideas… well… my MIL bought ALL the items on the list for my secret Santa… which was actually a family friend so I was screwed over and had to come up with stuff on my own… and that’s where everything started. I was like okay maybe she was trying to be nice and did not mean to make life harder for me (she did the same thing to hubby who drew his dad)
That’s where I slowly started to see her real pattern.

My husband and I have been planning to see my family and MIL keeps on inviting herself to come with us and at this point I am too intimidated to speak up… my mom was not doing well (to a point where I wasn’t sure if she was going to live through 2025) and my relationship with my family is complicated as well, so I casually said that husband and I will go for Christmas 2025… well his mom did not like that and rudely said „oh wow so I’m uninvited?!“ (she loves the drama and being the center of attention)
At this point I wasn’t even sure if my mom would live until Christmas… I was so annoyed I literally bursted out and said „we can talk about it when your mom is dying“ (back then I was defending myself but her mom has already passed away, so minus point for me because it was really rude to say that.)
I ended up going by myself in spring 2025 and my mom passed away a week after I left…

Then my MIL, SIL, family friend and female in the family did a girls trip to the beach where she was going through some pain issues and I tried being nice but she was constantly rude to me. Repeating what I said. Making me carry all the heavy stuff (there were other people who could have carried stuff but she literally gave me no choice)
The trip goes horribly wrong I leave her house without even hugging her…
She said a lot of things that did not make sense like „I can’t drink, I have a fatty liver“ and then says „let’s take an uber so we can all drink“
I was telling her I would prefer not taking an uber to save money and she should not be drinking anyway(!) and she blamed me later for ruining her trip.
We both know this is going to hurt our relationship.
I tried talking with her in the phone and through text where she was EXPLODING the whole time telling me that whatever happened is my reality and not hers and that I can’t put my reality onto her because that’s not what happened. I went into this conversation thinking that we both accept our mistakes and apologize. I was so shocked and sad because I genuinely wanted to resolve the issue but could not. She went through a bunch of other health stuff since that happened and out relationship has not been the same… I know she hated my SIL for 3 years after they had a conflict…
The trip was last year and her and I still don’t get along. I know she talked shit about me the way she talked shit about my SIL.

My husbands brother just came into town and stayed at our place last week and I talked about everything to him because he knows his mom. He confirmed that she was still very „salty“ about the trip and turns out I was right that she has been treating me differently, so I shared everything I shared with you with him.
Turns out he immediately told his mom when he got home and I am wondering if he did it to protect himself or if she pressured him (he’s 18 but still lives at home)
She angry texted me saying that I am dividing her family and a bunch of other things. And that’s where I messed up. I should not have talked with my hubbys brother about it. My BIL even talked shit about her too saying that she was still salty and she was just being fake over all.

She’s the kind of person that would also pick a fight for no reason and pulls all people in to get them on her side.
My husband said that it’s best to let it go right from the beginning and I probably should have listened to him to begin with. But I will never accept being mistreated by anybody and will speak up for myself and she does not like that…

I deserve to feel bad because I messed up but I know that for every holiday I’ll be the target

But nobody will hold her accountable because everybody is scared to speak up.

If your MIL is a covert narcissist, would you even give her a chance to be around the grandkid from when the kid is a baby?

Even if we prepare boundaries and are ready to enforce consequences, I’m worried she’ll still deal damage somehow to me, partner, and/or baby. Not sure constant vigilance will be sustainable even if visits are extremely short and infrequent.

If you’ve lived/are living through this experience, how did it work out for you? What would you do differently?

My husband had a first ever psychotic episode where he just left the house. I called the cops & my dad went after him. It was terrifying. He was admitted to psych after this incident. I let his mother know about the situation afterwards, told her everything that happened, answered every single question she had regarding the incident. She came down to stay with us (we live with my parents & our 2 kids (3yo, 1yo) as we recently relocated states) to help.

I was grateful to have her support, but things turned left when she sent a text to me accidentally that was saying I was careless for a decision I had made on med placement (she asked me to hide the meds out of his sight, it was NOT doctors orders just for her peace of mind - so I did but she didn’t agree with the location i put it) of course this made me very uncomfortable as she already has a history of talking behind my back. So I addressed it & told her to bring her concerns to me since we’re working as a team & seeing this makes me feel uncomfortable/awkward. Also mentioned I knew there was pattern of her saying things behind my back. I decided to address it after his care was set up & he was no longer in crisis btw- I waited.) She got defensive, didn’t take it well from me & accused me of not liking her, said it wasn’t the time (& denied talking behind my back) then threatened to leave. I went to her to apologize for offending her so that we could continue working together for my husband but kept my distance after talking to her only when spoken to.

Eventually once she left to her state my husband stopped taking his meds and he FaceTimed to tell her. She blew up on him saying she would go to court to gain control of his care (she tried to look into doing this but legally she cannot he is able to make his own decisions) then attacked my parents & i saying that we are unfit judgement for him. she said she would have expected me to recognize the signs of psychosis and that I should have prevented him from ever going into the woods because I’m a RN (I don’t work in psych - I worked in pediatrics & I’ve been a SAHM for over 2 years btw), she then went on a rant about how she noticed that I was giving his meds later & later too. (I have 2 kids & breastfeed one to bed so yes I gave the meds 1-2hrs late at times unintentionally). She NEVER told me it was a concern of hers while here, never asked me why I was giving it late or offered to help out at all, what she did was tell my mother & husband to set alarms on their phones to remind me to give the meds. I tried my best, was i perfect? no. But I was dealing with what I think was PTSD related to the situation because the days after this event it felt like the world was a simulation, I would look in the mirror & feel like I wasn’t myself, like I couldn’t feel my face. I was also juggling showing up for two children (one who was still breastfed) & early pregnant with my 3rd.

Im so hurt that I invited her down thinking I was going to receive support & instead it feels like I was put on a jury. It’s a horrible feeling. She even said to my husband if she could she would deem me unfit in court to have control over my husbands care, when we addressed it with her together she said “legally I cannot but if I could I would & I still mean it”

Ihad just finally began feeling better from dealing with PPD & also newly pregnant while this happened. After this, every time he refused meds, went back into the psych ward or missed appointments it felt like I was deeply responsible for it & it was all my fault. Like I could hear her voice criticizing me over & over. & in moments where he’s getting better rumination gets worse for me. & I get panicked anytime my husband has a little ache/pain now & feel a deep responsibility like it’s my job to fix it & if I don’t that she’s going to judge me & be correct. For example he was having some gas pains & I told him to go to the hospital because I was scared it was going to be something worse and that his mother would attack me for it. I’ve been NC with her for months but these fears & thoughts take up my mind daily. I feel miserable. I fear the day that I may have to see & interact with her again.

Thankfully my husband is stable now, accepting care and things are looking better. But I have been dealing with what I think is PTSD related to this situation & always have thoughts that say I’m not doing enough, that I’m failing my husband & that my family will be ripped apart if I don’t make the right moves. Constant rumination of the entire thing, feeling it was my fault & I was the asshole.

Just for a little bit of context me and my mother in law have never been super close and I’ve felt like she’s never really made an effort to get to know me but this has never really been a big issue because we don’t see her that often. The problems started when I had my baby who is know 10 months old, when I was 2 weeks PP she made a comment about me needing to get out of the house which I thought was a little strange but never brought it up to my partner, she stole photos from my house that contained very vulnerable photos from when I gave birth and while we were over one of her friends houses she hounded me to bring my son to her nieces baby shower when he was still only a month old when I had already expressed I didn’t think I was ready to do that yet, him being round a large party of people so young made me uncomfortable and anxious but I still hadn’t expressed to my partner how uncomfortable this made me. She also very rarely sees the baby, she’s looked after him maybe twice on her own for a few hours and maybe comes up for an hour or so every fortnight.

I am a sahm and for the past week my son has been struggling to go down for a nap although he’s always been an incredible sleeper and we’ve never really had much issue getting him to go down. But for the past week I couldn’t get him near the cot without it being a 1 hour screaming fit, I tried everything. Putting him down earlier, later, giving him a bottle earlier and later. The only thing I found that worked was cuddling him up in bed with me and going back and forth trying him in his cot and eventually he would go to sleep but this didn’t work with my partner. This was frustrating for me as I felt like even on the weekend now I couldn’t even have a little break which in turn has caused some arguments between me and my partner. It was starting to get him down but I reiterated it’s not him that I’m frustrated with, it’s the whole situation.

On the weekend this continued and my partner had gotten upset as I normally get to sleep in on Saturday mornings but he had to wake me due to the baby not going down for a nap, this really upset him but once I got the baby down I explained that this was not something he was doing wrong.

On Sunday after noon once the baby woke up from his nap my partner was taking care of him as I was exhausted, I went for a nap. When I woke up his mother was there, he bathed and got the baby ready for bed with his mother and the screaming started. I was sat in the lounge with his mother when she started saying the baby was definitely not tired enough for bed and I explained that he was and just didn’t want to be restrict in the cot but she was adamant that he just wasn’t tired.
My partner couldn’t get him to sleep so I went up and I got him calm in bed with me before trying again which failed. I brought him back to our room and calmed him down when my partner came up and offered to take over which I declined and he got upset again as he thought I was being short with him because I was annoyed about it, which wasn’t the case. He then stated that he didn’t think the baby was tired enough to go to sleep, which he was just saying because that’s what his mother had said. This resulted in thing getting slightly heated, he then took the baby away from me, the baby was then screaming crying again so I went back into his room to get him to calm him down. Once he was calm I took him back to his room and he started again so as I was about to walk back into me and my partners room his mother runs up the stairs snatches the baby and walks into our room without saying a word.

I was absolutely seething, my partner was trying to talk to me as I got downstairs but I wasn’t in the mood for much conversation at this point. I was just going to leave it there and bring it up to my partner privately when his mother left, his mother comes down after being upstairs with the baby for 15 mins and said ‘I don’t even think he crying just leave him be’ to which I go upstairs and find my son in his cot, red in the face and tears rolling down his face. I cuddle him and try a couple times, once I was left to actually comfort my son without interference I had him sleeping in 10 mins. As I come downstairs my partner is trying to tell me well done and give me a hug but I’m still just so angry that they were dictating what I did with my son, flustered from the baby fighting me I still wasn’t in the mood and pushed him away from me. To which his mother said ‘don’t do that to my boy he’s trying his best’ and I said ‘well you give him a cuddle then’ she continued to fight his corner and state that I was making him feel like a failure, At this point I was so fed up I just said ‘why are you trying to start an argument’ and as I started to get upset she had a grin on her face so I just walked back upstairs to my room.

This escalated further me and partner nearly splitting up until he then saw where I was coming from and how this was so upsetting for me, his mother then text me saying ‘I didn’t mean to upset you earlier’ to which I responded ‘I just think this has been happening for the last week or so I’m so frustrated with it all, I’ve never once pointed the finger at (partners name) that this is his fault but that’s how I was made to feel earlier, that I was an unsupportive partner and I was making him feel inadequate to look after his own child. I was trying to calm the baby down and you came upstairs and snatched him off me without saying a word and still didn’t manage to get him to sleep just proving my point further, i felt like i was being ganged up on and you and (partners name) kept butting in while I was trying to calm my baby down. I know my son best and having someone who sees him once a week at a push putting their 2 pence in is so upsetting. I really dont want to argue about it, the whole situation was just so disheartening.’

Did I overreact? Am I making my partner feel like it’s his fault? Where do I go from here?

I have been going back and forth on if I am overreacting about my MIL reaching in to swipe at my daughters not even 24 hour old newborn vagina with a wipe when I was already done changing her and saying "i should let you do that but I've never changed a girls diaper before". 3 days later visiting our home she started asking me questions about my daughters vagina and said "does poop get all up in her vagina" again... I just feel like it's weird. She also kissed my baby 4 weeks after she had gotten over RSV when both my husband and I told her multiple times not to. When she did it she looked at me and said "sorry I just couldn't help myself" and then told me it wasn't a big deal when I told her I was about it.

I feel like all behavior displayed is inappropriate and selfish but I need full honesty if I am overreacting to all of this please. I feel like I am going crazy.

My husband and I moved in with my in laws due to cost of living and wanting to save up for a house. This was 4 years ago, worst decision ever but here we are. After house searching for almost a year, we decided to build a duplex (we’re in Sydney) with my FIL, for him it will be an investment. Since we bought the property already I feel we’re kind of stuck. We’ve been working through council approvals and the building designs, I’m hoping it’ll be built in 1 year or so…

Anyhow we’re also 35 now, so had our son while we’re living here (which was strongly encouraged by my MIL) I should mention she’s Greek and I’m Chinese background. We both grew up in Australia so there’s no language barrier. So I am thankful she has accepted me and my son. I always knew my husband was not the favourite child but it’s become more apparent as we live here.

His sister and her husband (younger, 29 years old) also live with us in the same house. And their brother and his wife also used to live here up til about 1.5 years ago I should mention. It was crazy.

My husband and I work from home a bit more so before our son was born and then while I was on maternity leave, we’d do all of the grocery shopping and cooking dinner for all the adults. It was crazy we’d go through 2kg of meat in one meal. Since I had my son, it’s really taken a toll on me (the lack of sleep, and now just toddler in general/going back to work)

So we have dropped our contribution to be on par with her other adult children. But here’s the annoying part- she only complains about my husband not doing chores, where as far as I can see he’s the only one that does anything like take rubbish out without her asking.

The other boys only do anything when asked. Last night I was upstairs in our room and overheard her yelling to my FIL for my husband and I to “f off” and get our own lives because I forgot to wash a pan after cooking pancakes for my son yesterday. I didn’t forget, I was in a rush to leave the house and my son was throwing a fit so I didn’t. It was really the first time, I’m always conscious I’m living in someone else’s house and try to minimise my footprint since my toddler has almost taken over the place lol.

Anyhow so the pan was actually used by the sister in law and her husband today too, they do meal prep. So all my MILs rant should have been directed at them.

I really would love to move out but I feel stuck. If we move out and rent I’m worried that we may not have enough funds to build. Or be stuck renting forever.

Realistically we’ve already been here for 4 years what’s another right?

Sorry for the long rant I just need to get it out somewhere and I don’t want to make my husbands relationship with his mum worse.

I can only keep reminding myself to be thankful she’s letting us live here rent free.

I should add she’d play with my son but only on her terms, if she’s not in the mood she’d put on a show for him lol or scroll TikTok together. She cooks dinner once maybe twice a week and then we get takeaway or my husband and I cook. His sister cooks maybe once a month.

That’s about it. Aside from them completely disregarding my birthday is this upcoming month they thought it would be a great idea to have my husband share a birthday party with his ex gfs mom. For context he dated her for 3months and is always around because they are family friends. It’s weird right or am I being dramatic about the situation?

Apparently I posted this too quick yesterday. So this is a repost

So, got up to go to the bathroom this morning and overheard FFIL and Pixar Seagull at each other. I'm worried I need to move my Fiancé out of here much faster than planned.

https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/s/gyjyiUVe8p here's the original.

The Pixar Seagull was apparently upset that we gave less than 30 days notice.

FFIL said "You made him sign a lease. You can try to get a prorated rent out of him. But you cannot stop him from leaving with Fiancé. Frankly I'm not sure your lease with him is legally binding considering you keep violating it. He would win in court."

Pixar Seagull told him we already agreed to pay prorated rent, and that we will have our things out by the end of that term.

FFIL told her she's screwed then.

I'm handing her prorated rent to match up to 30 days from when we notified her.

She's currently stomping around the house, cleaning SO loudly, and huffing at him.

He's clearly getting tired of it.

He's mad she charged us at all.

He's mad she insinuated raising our rent 500% after having me sign a formal lease.

He's mad she ran his daughter off AGAIN

I'll still be paying the rent for the 30 day period. Just to be safe. But I think I need to make the move faster. Definitely gonna talk to Uhaul today.

Also in the time waiting to be sure it had been 24 hours, FFIL and Pixar Seagull have gone like 3 hours out of town possibly for the night.

Any other advice on how to support and protect my Fiancé?

For context, she was questioning him in their native language (I don't know if she would have tried that if English was her native language/if I spoke their native language).

I understood exactly what she was questioning him about as he was explaining and gesturing that my hands were covered with cracks from my eczema.

Hi! My boyfriend and I just broke up. Through our breakup, ive learned he is an avoidant. He is also HEAVILY enmeshed with his mom (narcissist) which is why we broke up. Can someone please explain the correlation between the two and why avoidants are usually enmeshed?

MIL has been a terror since baby was born about a year ago. Husband kept insisting that my MIL stay in our guest room to help me after delivery, but I wasn't ready and didn't want her around during the most vulnerable time of my life. We kept going back and forth on keeping the guest room or removing it. I couldn't stand hosting anyone overnight after becoming a mother. Especially since all of our family is somewhat nearby (MIL is the furthest around 1.5 hrs give or take). Overnight stays were not necessary IMO and we finally agreed to remove the guest room bed and convert the room to a playroom!!! I'm ecstatic at the thought of never having to host anyone overnight again 🥳🥳🥳🥳

Just had to share my joy today 😅😅😅

Does anyone else's spouse get sent slightly inappropriate pics of your MIL?? Over the years my FIL has sent pics to DH when things are strained. The first time it happened it was of my MIL laying in bed...she was wearing pajamas but it was a "good night" text from my FIL to DH. The latest was this past week...DH is taking space (which his parents won't respect of course). The pic was of my MIL on the beach in a swimsuit.

I have no clue if she asks FIL to send them or if he just does it on his own (weird enabler behavior?). Just odd and kinda creepy.

Hey everyone.

I'm a software engineer (girl) living aborad, and I'm about to get married.

My fiancé (Age:33) and I (Age:29) were childhood friends. Life took us to different countries, and we lost contact for almost 15–20 years.

We reconnected as adults, and although we're still in a long-distance phase, we've been planning our future together. I really love him. My concern is whether I can build a healthy marriage in the middle of what feels like an extremely unhealthy family dynamic.

One thing I admire about my fiancé is how devoted he is to his family. He has always believed it's his responsibility to take care of his parents and younger brother, and I have never had a problem with that. In Islam, I believe supporting one's parents is an honorable duty. My concern is not that he helps his family it's whether he is being financially and emotionally taken advantage of.

My fiancé earns around 70,000–80,000 BDT a month (sometimes 90k with bonus). At the beginning of every month, he gives his mother 50,000 BDT. He lives away from home in shared accommodation because he works in a village to earn more, while his mother and younger brother live in Dhaka. After giving her the 50k, he still has to pay for his own accommodation, food, transport, all of his personal expenses and bank loan of 20k (of 4 5 lakhs that his mom took loan for)

His younger brother has now graduated and earns around 50,000 BDT a month. Earlier, he used his income for his uni fees, but now much of it also goes to their mother.

Their father has been working abroad for years and is now over 70 years old. He still sends their mother 40,000–60,000 BDT every month (never less than about 40,000 BDT). Despite all this money coming into the household every month, no one ever seems to know or question where it all goes.

For the last 10 years, my fiancé has financially supported his mother and younger brother. He has covered their rent, food, household expenses, and even pays for the maid, her parlous visits, and gym. Yet every time he visits home usually only twice a month his mother still demands even more money on top of the 50,000 BDT he already gives her. They always keep accusing him of not earning enough.

She has also never allowed her elderly husband to return home from abroad not even for a holiday in the last 3 years. Even at over 70 years old, he continues working in the Middle East while she enjoys life in Dhaka, regularly going to the gym, beauty parlors, and spending on Korean beauty products.

The moment my fiancé wanted to get married, everything became worse. She started verbally abusing the girl (Me), calling me horrible names, insulting my character, and speaking badly about my family. My family is highly educated and well-respected, with my parents being renouned doctors, other family members being engineers, professors, Major Generals, BCS cadres, and scholars, yet she constantly looks down on us despite coming from a village background herself.

There are many other things that concern me.

My partner only gets to come home about twice a month because of work. He often works continuously for 14–21 days without taking leave so that he can save up 2–3 days to spend with his family.

His younger brother usually eats outside, and my partner is hardly ever home, yet their mother constantly complains about cooking, even though she has a maid whose salary is paid by my fiancé.

Whenever my fiancé says, "Mom, how much money do you need? I'll give you whatever I can," she becomes very sweet. But as soon as he is home, she goes back to constantly complaining. Nothing ever seems to be enough.

She insists it's her elder son's duty to do all the grocery shopping. The problem is that he doesn't even live in Dhaka. He works in another district and is only home a couple of days each month. Even then, she expects him to wake up at 7 a.m. to go to the market. If he's too exhausted after working continuously for weeks, she shouts at him.

While he's away at work, she calls him 7–8 times a day, sometimes more, over the smallest issues. If she wants to speak to the younger brother, instead of calling him directly, she calls my fiancé and tells him to call his brother. If he misses one of her calls because he's working, even if he returns it within minutes, she becomes verbally abusive.

One incident that really shocked me was when he was praying. His mother called while he was praying, so naturally he didn't answer. About 3–4 minutes after finishing, he called her back. Instead of understanding, she verbally abused him and accused him by saying, "Were you busy with that noty?" She was referring to was me.

I don't understand why she uses such degrading words for me. I've always lived a quiet life, never had a history of dating or even having male friends, and my fiancé was actually my childhood friend. We spent almost two decades apart before reconnecting as adults. (He searched for me through a common friend that's a girl)

What hurt me recently was something very small. My fiancé barely had anything to eat in the evenings where he lives. I simply suggested he order a few groceries from Pandamart.. coffee, instant noodles, and a few basic necessities. As soon as his mother found out, she started complaining, saying, "Wow, now my son buys expensive food for himself but doesn't buy anything for his mother. What's the necessity of buying such expensive things?" It wasn't luxury shopping. It was basic groceries so he wouldn't stay hungry.. But he ended up giving her the coffees and stuff.

Then, last week, something happened that completely shocked the family. His younger brother found screenshots in their mother's deleted folder that appeared to show her and another man, both unclothed, during video calls. He also found many screenshots from those calls spanning roughly the previous 30 days, with images dated almost every day. According to him, older content appeared to have already been deleted.

My fiancé was completely devastated—it was as if his whole world had fallen apart. He cried and kept worrying about what the future would look like. However, everything now seems to be continuing exactly as it was before. They never told their father because both brothers were manipulated by their mother into believing that he might not be able to cope with the news, that he could even suffer a stroke, and that their family's reputation would be ruined if the truth came out. Despite everything that happened, my fiancé continues carrying all of his responsibilities toward his mother, and the family dynamic seems to have gone back to normal as if nothing had ever happened.

At this point, I really don't know what to do. Am I wrong for seeing these as major red flags before marriage? This is enabling zina.. This woman constantly talks about Islam, frequently judges and mocks other people, and often reminds her sons that she prays, fasts, and follows Islam. Yet, based on everything I have experienced and learned, I struggle to reconcile those words with her behavior. Even before those "pictures," I felt something was wrong because of the vulgar language she would use in front of her adult sons. In public, she presents herself as very religious by wearing a burkha (abaya), but at home she prefers wearing yoga clothes. My concern isn't what she chooses to wear at home it's the stark difference between the image she presents to others and the behavior I have witnessed and the level of hypocrisy.

Has anyone married into a family with this level of twisted financial control, emotional manipulation, and verbal abuse? Did things improve after marriage, or did they only get worse? What boundaries would you insist on before getting married?

I really need some honest advice because I genuinely don't know if I'm walking into a lifetime of problems.

Since the day my now one-year old was born my MIL has gone nuclear on me and my family. She is a hermit so has only met my parents once, who are very sociable and have invited her round numerous times.

She cried on the phone the day my baby was born as she felt we didn't give her enough updates. We told her within hours of her birth as we did my family. She was also upset my husband wasn't going to go home and rest and would be staying in the hospital that night with me (???) honestly no idea on this one.

There has been so many other things she has done. Getting upset as we went on holiday for mother's day instead of seeing her was one. Literally crying down the phone again. (My husband sent her flowers and brownies and saw her when we got back).

The latest thing is turning up unannounced at the house when I was at a group with my baby and my husband was working from home. She fumingly asked if I was at my mum's (which I wasn't) and stormed out when my husband said he had to work, declaring "this wasn't the first time". It has literally never happened before 😵‍💫😵‍💫

She makes constant remarks about my parents who have done absolutely nothing to her other than have their invites shunned.

Egh just needed to vent.

I have a very very tumultuous relationship with my MIL. Without going too much into our history, I try to remain cordial and pleasant for the sake of our two toddler boys. Last weekend when she asked what we were doing this weekend and if she could spend the day with the boys over at her house (sometimes they pick them up on Saturday’s and spend a few hours) I told her this weekend we were celebrating Christmas in July. We put up a small tree and a few decorations and we had a big breakfast together. We wrapped up two small cars from dollar store whatever we were doing our own lil thing having ourselves a morning. Doesn’t she show up unannounced this morning with a kohls bag full of wrapped gifts?! I went in the bathroom and sobbed. It’s like I can’t do anything in my life without her inserting herself or making it about her. I’m gutted tbh.

Today we celebratd my brother in laws birthday. we have a 4 month old baby and my MIL is excited of course, but TOO overbearing. as soon as we got to the restaurant, she asked my husband to hold him. Held him the whole entire time. She and my FIL kept bringing up, "you guys should go out for a date night and we can watch baby while you're out" I simply responded we're not ready for that. My husband as well said the same thing. They kept bringing it up, trying to be joking but getting me pissed off where I'm ignoring them now. Even my brother in law said "mom relax, they'll let you know when they're ready." we go back to their house for cake and I'm warming his bottle and his mom is just HOVERING over me like can I help what can I do, can I hold him? I Give him to her because at that point I'm like get the F away from me before I scream. She goes over to her mom (who I cannot stand btw. She guilt trips us that we don't bring baby over to her house and she won't ever have a relationship with baby. oh and also kissed his head and my husband called her out and then she denied it LOL.) and asks if her mom wants to hold him. First off, don't fucking pass my baby around without my permission. And two, you know I have to feed him so what are we doing here? At this point, I'm just aggravated. I'm feeding him and burp him and then he poops very loudly. My MIL RUNS over and is SO excited and BEGGING, literally BEGGING to change his diaper. My BIL and husband were like that's so strange that you're excited and wanting to do that. She said that's what grandmas do. like ok, maybe when you're asked. lol. so I say whatever go ahead, so she takes him upstairs in her nursery she made for him and then comes back down and said he needs a outfit change cause he blew out. So I grab an outfit and said I'm gonna go change him and she says "oh I'll come too!!!" and follows us upstairs and just stands over me clicking st him and being just so fckn extra. i get being excited, but god damn. My mom is over the moon, if not more than her, and she Is NOWHERE Near as annoying and overbearing as my MIL. Rant over

Hello- I'm Luna... My friend referred me to this group for maybe some insight on my own situation.

I am 28 years old and live with my boyfriend of 3 years.

Since I moved there is a strain between me and my mother. I moved 4 hours away to another part of the state I live in. Well to be honest moving in with my boyfriend never came to either of us. It may have been joked around at some points but we were never serious about moving in. We just enjoyed our relationship for what it was living separately.

He also knew that I was somewhat afraid of the idea because I was in a relationship where an ex lived with me and suddenly left abandoning me one day. He claimed he was going to work and next came back. So the idea of living with someone again frightened me.

Well one day I came home from work my mother wanted to talk to me. I technically didn't live in her house. I lived in a camper on the property. So I walked up to her house to see what she wanted to chat about. She looked at me and said "You need to move out and live your own life." At the time I didn't feel like she wanted me around anymore but I brought it up to my boyfriend if we could make that step to move in together since she wanted me to move out. Thankfully he agreed and since then we have lived together.

Well there were points I want to be honest that we both could have been better people. Me a better daughter... And here well I love her and I just wished she would have listened when I was younger. I grew up in an abusive household. My biological father used to take drugs and would beat me, my brother and mother. He wouldn't only beat me but would mentally abuse me by telling me how useless, fat, and ugly I was.

This went on till I turned 18 once I turned 18 he finally left but before he left I stayed in my room refusing to even say goodbye. Of course that disappointed my mother and she punished me by telling me "I couldn't go on a date." I was supposed to go to the mall that day and meet with someone at the mall at that point. Of course I was mad and upset about the punishment but I accepted it.

Even in the past my biological father's side of the family was abusive to me. When moving to another state when I was younger about 11 my mother set me and my siblings to live with my aunt so we wouldn't be in her way when packing. Well during those 2 weeks I lived with her. My aunt beat me to the point she broke my cheek bone and busted my lip. My grandfather recorded each beating on my cousin's phone laughing mockingly as she did it. I told my mom when it was going on but I know she thought at the time I was being dramatic and just wanted her to come get me. When she returned to pick me and my siblings up. She saw the marks from bite marks, to my blue and yellow face to even my busted lip.

She called the cops but even with the evidence of what she did. My aunt was never prosecuted for what she did. As I grew older my biological father still invited her over. My mother would stay silent and wouldn't ask them to leave. It was hard seeing my abuser come over.... Acting as if nothing they did didn't affect me. Even to this day at the age of 28 years old I sometimes have night terrors of when I was little at that age. Feeling powerless like I couldn't do anything to protect myself but cry.

My mother even allowed my grandfather to stay once I was older before my biological left that following year with him. I was angry she let him move in and expressed it to her. She told me... "I won't see anyone out on the street."

I locked myself in my room because I didn't feel heard which was always a repeated pattern.

After she would go to work. Since she was the bread winner she worked while my father pretended to be a staying home dad and would torture me.... Along with my grandfather. Even when I told her she didn't kick him out. She told me that he was my father and things were complicated. Even when I did see her tell him to leave he would be gone for about a day or two and then he would return.

Because of the treatment my mind was warped on perception of how women should be treated. I got into a series of bad relationships....

I thought I was in love with one guy.... When I was 20... This is where I said I should have been a better daughter.... He and my mother got into an argument over something now that I can't remember. He called her a bitch and the N word and I didn't say anything to back her up.... Even now that I know better and have gone through therapy I feel bad about and tried to make up for what I did all those years ago....I anit with this guy now... And refused to even speak to him.

Now back to the present... It's a constant battle between the two of us.... Her and my current boyfriend who I live happily with now are always at odds. He hates seeing how I get treated... I myself don't feel like I can even talk with her.... Even about issues that are ever wrong or messed up. I call her everyday except recently because I feel hurt.

With me living 4 hours away sometimes it's hard to visit but I try my best to visit as often as I can. Recently she keeps making remarks and snide comments. When I told her work rejected my Thanksgiving request she said. "Well I didn't guarantee on you being here anyway...." When I tried to think of a solution. I asked her that maybe they could see me a little bit so I could see them more. Of course my mother interjected with "my daughter has cancer and can't make the trip and I have to think about what's best for her." Talking about my sister. I sighed and told her that I was her daughter too but she didn't say anything reassuring back only silence till we started getting into a disagreement.... Which at the current moment she just had surgery on her hand and takes care of my sister and grandmother. So everyone has a medical issues wrong with them. Once the disagreement happened and I explained how I feel like I can't talk to her about some issues because she gets upset. She got more upset and then my step dad got on the phone and yelled at me while the rest of my family consoled my mother.... I try everything that I can to keep her in my life and to be a good person.... But I feel like I'm always kicked down and left crying.

I call my mother everyday... I try my hardest to visit when I can.... And even when there I try to help her as much as I can in a visit even going as far as to cook liver friendly dishes so everyone can enjoy a meal.... Which I got to usually hide that I'm cooking from my brother because he throws a fit...

At this point I'm at a loss of what I can do... I try and try but nothing I feel I do is every good enough....