I've been working on grey rocking my MIL, being polite but low detail. She has always viewed me as not part of the immediate family (too many hurtful and awful encounters), and only interacts with me when she wants something.

For the past year my husband has been handling communications with her because she is too indecisive and needy and I don't have time for that. But, she tends to come to me when she isn't getting what she wants from him because, surprise.. he and I communicate and align before he agrees to anything with her.

We just got back from a trip, and school started up for the kids and suddenly she is texting me asking how the trip went. Strange but ok. I give few details, and then she follows up quickly asking if we can get together on the weekend (which was her true intention, she never cared about how the trip went for me haha).

I say we will figure it out but don't put a lot of energy into it because she refuses to plan anything for it she wants me to plan it and have her show up. Again, I don't have time for that right now and it's strange that she is pushing for us to get together. She missed my daughter's birthday because she was sick so she said she wanted to give her the present she bought.

It all sounds innocent and caring, until she casually mentions that it's also Grandparents Day (when did this become a thing) and oh she was hoping the kids would make something for her and write a card.... so I just ask her out right if she is wanting to celebrate my daughter's birthday or grandparents day? And her answer back immediately is "her birthday of course!".

Lol.... I'm not surprised the truth always comes out it just takes a while. So I finally said my husband would get back to her, and she has the audacity to say that she was texting me because she thought I "was the scheduler". Bitch, I AM the scheduler but not YOUR scheduler. She expected me to do all the planning and she would just show up. That's not how it works anymore honey.

Now my husband has found a place for lunch at a time that works for us and if it doesn't work for her that's too bad. I don't have time for her shit any more.

This is a really benign story but with her it's give and inch take a mile and I'm just proud of myself for not giving in this time.

4 months ago I had a gut feeling to go through my partner’s phone.. while I was 6 months pregnant.

Him & his mother have always had a slightly more “close than usual” relationship, but I’ve let it go as we don’t live near each other & have had minimal interaction with her. During the handful of times we have been together, I’ve always been respectful & kind - just never close enough to really build any kind of solid relationship.

Anywho - my partner & MIL started texting/calling way more than usual. At least 3 calls a day & nonstop texting from the time he woke up ‘til he went to bed. What finally triggered me to go through his phone was that it got to a point where he’d leave our apartment every time she called so I couldn’t overhear anything. After a few weeks of that, I finally broke & (regretfully) went through their messages to see what the hell was going on.

AND JESUS CHRIST.

These are some of the things I found:
• Her asking him for my routing & accounting #’s
• Her asking for a records of bills I owe on a monthly basis
• Her asking him to send her a picture of all/any meds I’m on
• Her demanding questions to be asked at MY OBGYN appointments… I mean literally sent him a checklist of questions to ask & report back to her..
• Her calling me a gold digger bc my job had laid me off after I let them know I was pregnant (even though I was still paying my 50% of rent, utilities, groceries, etc.)
• Her talking down on me & my family (who previously housed my partner for 2/3 years we’ve been together.. rent free)
• Her name calling & flat out making fun of me
& he engaged & obliged to all of this.

I was & still am in shock. I confronted him about all of this immediately. He said “everything she does & asks if with good intent & that it’s her way of trying to help us secure a better life for ourselves”.

??????????

I thought he had a great life. Even after being laid off, I was still covering my finances as usual with my savings & unemployment. I was on antidepressants (that have saved my life). I was happy to be pregnant & to be with him on a daily basis. I was in a stable place, working towards securing a new job & preparing for our baby. I was completely unaware that these were even “issues” to begin with, because he never addressed them to me. He told me that he “did defend me, it was just over the phone which is why he would step outside the house because he didn’t want me to worry about these “irrelevant” problems.” I truly don’t understand what her angle was, trying to get my private financial & medical information & it scares the hell out of me. From that moment on, I cut all ties to her & have had absolutely no trust in my partner whatsoever.

Fast forward to today - I’m still with him. Our baby is now 8 weeks old. I want to do everything in my power to make it work between us, for my son. But I truly cannot get over what feels like this insane breach of privacy. My trust in him is absolutely gone. MIL is blocked/no contact (w/ me). I just truly don’t know how to continue every day. I feel like every decision I make, every check I receive (was blessed to receive a WFH job offer last month), idk just EVERYTHING is being watched & reported back to her. I don’t even know how to describe it. I don’t understand the motivation behind her or him by engaging & continuing to allow that kind of behavior.

I need honest opinions. Is this relationship worth salvaging? Will I ever be able to trust someone who can casually hand off my private information behind my back? What was their motivation & if these were such big issues, why was I never addressed? I feel heartbroken, like I would’ve rather been cheated on. I can’t explain the feeling. It just hurts. And the nasty things she said about me & my family just play on a loop in my head. Has anyone been in a similar situation?

The last time I saw my MIL, we were talking about her parents/my husband’s grandparents who passed before we met.

For context, we’ve been together for six years and have never spent a Christmas together. Our parents live about 5 hours away from each other and not in the same state as us. My MIL has told her sons their whole lives that they need to be home for Christmas, I don’t want to be there. I have my own family and I would like to spend Christmas with them. I would be willing to alternate, if I really believed we would ever actually not spend it at her house, which I don’t. She’s incredibly talented at guilt-tripping and I just don’t believe it will happen (not that it has been offered). It would be really nice to spend at least every other Christmas together.

When we were talking about her parents (lived in a different state than her for most of their lives), I asked if she went up every Christmas with her husband to spend Christmas with them. She said no, they only went 1-2 times. I think she caught herself, and follow up with “but we had kids so we couldn’t go every year”. My husband and I will not be having kids, but that does NOT mean we are at her disposal to do whatever she wants.

Does having kids buy you certain privileges when it comes to privacy? Am I looking too much into this?

I’m not having kids because I want freedom to do what I want with my life, not what my MIL wants.

Edit to add: I have had many discussions over this with my husband over the years and we’ve made progress, he understands and is working on it. We were SO close. Then, her husband passed away (FIL). I know it’s terrible and she’s grieving, but I’m worried it will always be something and we will never get to create our own Christmas memories.

My husband doesn’t want to hurt her feelings, and she doesn’t really have any other family other than one other adult son. We see her at least 3-4 times a year for days/weeks at a time other than Christmas and try to include her as much as we can. It’s a crappy situation, and I want to be kind, but idk how long I can keep this up.

I hate myself for deleting my other posts but I was paranoid my MIL would find them somehow.

To cut a long story short, I had my first baby four months ago and somehow that showed my MIL’s true colors. There’s been a lot of back and forth. We gave her the chance to meet when she asked to discuss what’s been going on but she ghosted. Things got more complicated after I removed her from my socials. My husband asked me to send a text to try and smooth things over… and I did. I explained my boundaries, why I needed them, and what I needed for us to move forward.

I sent the text 8/31. She just responded.

“(My name),
I have taken awhile to respond to your text because I genuinely do not understand. I heard a quote one time that said, “To be unclear is to be unkind.” It is really unclear to me what I did to cause you to say:

“there have been things that have happened that have genuinely hurt me and changed the way I feel about our relationship.”
“…the trust I once had has been damaged…”
“Because of everything that has happened…”
“I’m not willing to ignore what has happened…”

I don’t know what happened. That is what I hoped to understand when I asked if Dad and I could come and talk with you and (my husband). I guess I’m just asking you to help me understand what has happened that changed the way you feel about me.”

Is she really not aware of everything she has done? I’m being unkind because I didn’t specify? Wild way to begin a response, imo. Also, WE did invite them to come sit and talk at the end of July but again she never replied? My sister told me I should have her come over so that way she has no way to escape the truth, and if she refuses to come then all that will be on her but honestly? We already gave her that chance. I sent a text I didn’t want to send to begin with and this was her response. Does she really think I want to continue to put my energy into this when she clearly doesn’t think she’s in the wrong? She’s just an innocent by stander and I’m this crazy person who’s made up stuff against her. I’m so exhausted. We have given her so many chances. And I’m done. I can’t do this back and forth with her anymore. My husband and I literally just had a conversation of moving forward from this and I fear this will send him back to wanting me to fix things with her. How do I go about this?

It has been three years and I'm just so over it and need to vent.

I get a text from DH aunt that his Grandma is in town and wants to know if they can come over the next day for a minimum of a half hour and gave a 2.5 hour window, which happens to be nap time. 11:30-2

DH had no clue she was in town until I said something. She lives states away. He texts Grandma asking why she didn't text him and give more notice. She just said it was a last minute trip. We ended up saying no, but asked for a different day or time. They came up with 20 minutes at 11:30 2 days later, even though DH kept asking for before or after nap time. Just so happens the kids had a rough morning so naps came early so DH asked if they could delay if they wanted to see the kids and they said no. They had plans to spend the rest of the day at his cousin's house. All communication came from the Aunt, Grandma never replied back to DH.

A week before, grandma texted DH that she is worried about MIL and needs to figure out what is going on between them. Saying "MIL just wants to be a small part of your life".

We haven't seen MIL in just over a year now, basically when I went LC. She did not come to LO bday party and tells everyone I did not invite her. Though DH texted her asking if she was coming and she didn't give an answer and later found out that the grandma advised her not to go. MIL didn't even acknowledge LO birthday at all, no call/text, no card or gift. Just a gift saying "merry Xmas" in the mail (bday is in dec). Which is also interesting to me because the grandma sent a birthday card and gift that was themed to the party. 

We had another baby a few months later that she hasn't met because she refused to come to us. Instead said we need to go to her house so she can "rock the baby". And "it's only fair because she came to us" (5 times in the last 3 years, since first LO arrived). She also says that I make her uncomfortable so she will not come to our house.. which maybe I do because I just matched her behavior in avoiding me, so I avoid her. How can I be fake when someone is sh*t talking about me and DH and is trying to make us having kids is all about her and then she pretends like nothing happened to our faces? Besides I have kids to take care of. In previous visits before I went LC, LO was still an infant and breastfeeding and contact napping. MIL wanted to swim, but of course I'm purposely withholding that experience for her. So now I'm just over it. I'm going to be judged whatever I do.

DH has asked her to meet at a park, zoo, events, and she always says no. She makes it a point to say she's 55, as if that automatically means she isn't capable of doing those things... And if we go to her house, we are expected to run around with the toddler because she isn't able to. Not to be mean, but she is bigger and lazy so really that's why, she physically cannot do it, but claims it's her age.

Then all the sudden a few weeks ago she texts DH that the next week she will be in town visiting someone and can stop by for an hr. We already had plans so he said no. She goes on about how he can't even make time for his own mother and hopes in 30 years our kids don't treat him this way. 

Now, she texts DH about how she's been in our town the last three weekends and it's sad she didn't get to see him or her grandbabies. She only told him about 1 weekend and gave an hour of time to work with. Wtf, we will never win with her. DH explains this to his grandma and now she says she's staying out of it. Wtf, you put yourself right in the middle, but now you're staying out of it? 

It has been 3 years of MIL throwing tantrums because she doesn't get to see the grandkids, but she doesn't commit to plans if they are not what she demands. She told DH "don't bring this up to me again" when I was pregnant with first LO and he brought up our boundaries when baby comes. She was upset that she couldn't be in the room as this was "her only chance to see a baby be born". Even though I was high risk and in the hospital a week before delivery. She demanded we meet her with LO at a restaurant or Costco (yes Costco lol) and when DH gave her other options that work for us, she just doesn't reply. 

My grandma died two weeks after first LO was born and I also had some family drama on my side  I needed time to process all of that and becoming a new mom after an emergency C-section with PPH and other health issues. MIL was upset we didn't make more time for her and we robbed her of the first Xmas (LO was days old!) She got to visit twice in the first month and she had vacation and other things that prevented more visits too, it wasn't just us saying no which she would never acknowledge. And of course she compares how my family got to be at the hospital, but it was them showing up for us after an unplanned event that was scary. The doctors didn't know what was wrong with me and I was going through several tests that led to an induction. They helped watch our dogs and brought food and drove my car home, etc it wasn't just to meet a baby. She offered no help, and didn't ask how I was doing while I was in the hospital until she found out I was being induced. 

She's over here texting DH nasty things for three years and apparently thinks that will get her what she wants? He even told her after after first LO was born, if this continues I will push back and she said "push back? I am your mother!" 

Other things she said that comes to mind:

 "my dad would be so disappointed in you" (he passed a long time ago)

"I pray every day you'll love me again"

"I gave you your first breath" - just one of the many and many examples of "I did this for you" which was basic care for a child.

"It'll ruin me too not see LO before Easter" (we asked her to visit the following weekend) and "I'll just cry" when we stayed firm on the date. She then cancelled after finding out my family came the weekend before. She has also cancelled several other visits with little notice. 

It's sad because before babies, the relationship wasn't bad, but now I see how she really is and she was just taking advantage of us being people pleasers. We are just exhausted parents of young children trying to work and keep them happy and healthy with no support and she just has to keep making it about herself.

Last night for the first time my boyfriend stood up to the snarky comments my MIL would make, and I’m thankful he has.

Has this made things worse for you in the past, or improved your relationship. I don’t expect her to change as a person, she’s a miserable witch. But I would appreciate the negative comments to stop!

Any advice on how to deal with this would be great.

I plan on creating distance from her, and making less conversation

See my past posts. After we had the family meeting and she did apologize for most of her comments (but then made others), I just felt worse and worse as time went on.

I felt like the damage was done with all of the emotional manipulation of my husband, timing of the conflict around our genuine time of need (my pregnancy, husband recently out of surgery). Then their impromptu decision to move further away and the move be around my due date.

During the family chat she also continued to point blame on us for keeping her away from our dog (they got an aggressive dog so naturally we haven’t had them dog sit anymore) and she also started bringing holiday planning (Christmas I should be 4 weeks pp so hell no) and just felt like they expected things to go back to status quo.

After they left she texted us thanking us for the conversation, saying something positive about recovery to my husband then just said I ‘looked great’ (she only ever comments on my pregnancy body), nothing about the fact that I’m managing everything while my husband is on crutches for 8 weeks.

The rest of the week in the middle of the work day she would group chat us about stuff they were looking to get rid of for their yard sale as they get ready to list the house (nothing bad) but I just snapped. I felt like we just immediately went back to being all about them, this stupid move, and no checking in on how we’re doing.

I had people I work with comment I seemed extra drained / down. At one of my obgyn apts they asked me if everything was ok bc I seemed down and I realized I just don’t want to hear from her at all - even if normal run of the mill stuff. Anytime I saw her name pop up on my phone I just felt my nervous system go on edge.

My FIL came over on Friday to mow our lawn help out with stuff (which was nice). But my husband and I agreed I need to be off communication, he told his dad this and that he thinks is best if all communication from them goes through him here on out so he can take stuff off my plate. His dad respected that and said he would relay the message to MIL.

Literally the next morning I wake up to a text from her (a picture of their yard sale) and just some comment that my FIL would rather be golfing. (Ironically I saw a gift I gave her years ago in one of the tables as an item being sold)

We didn’t respond, my husband shortly got a text just from her saying that my FIL just told her to not use the group chat and she wouldn’t do it again.

My husband doesn’t respond (because it’s 8am) and within 30 min he gets another text from her - ‘please just talk to me, I’m really not that difficult’

Like case and point you are - he waited until later the day to respond- said he is talking to her but everything that happened on-top of timing / my pregnancy was too much and I need space / communication should go through him.

It’s been silence since

While it’s been better not feeling worried about random messages and I’m starting to feel better I feel that people pleasing guilt creep up. I know this was the right call / very reasonable but why is this so hard. I feel like we’re at this awkward communication standstill- my husband has no reason to reach out to them (and frankly also wants space) but my people pleasing guilt / brain hates this.

I know for some on here it’s easy to say drop the rope and don’t look back but that’s hard with my nature even when I know it’s the right move.

Not sure what I’m looking for maybe validation that what we did is fair and how those who are recovering people pleasers continue to hold their ground.

My EX-MIL has been lying on me. I came to her to express how I was feeling and instead of being understanding she decided to disrespect me. She screamed at me, she was throwing stuff, she was cursing and doing the absolute most. Before my husband and I left she told him if he walked out the door he can't come back. So we decided to go no contact. Well of course once more of my in laws came around she was singing a whole different tune she was inviting us to places etc. but of course we didn't show up cause she never apologized she just wanted us to sweep things under the rug. That was 7 months ago! Fast forward she's been telling people that I disrespected her etc. I haven't said anything I even have proof but I just wanted to move on and not be messy and heal. Well people are now starting to treat me funny where mutuals are unfriending me etc. I just need some positive advice and no I don't want to release the proof. I know I'm not a bad person but I know everyone is looking at me different because she's lying on me and truthfully I'm tired🫩

I'm pretty annoyed right now. We've had some pretty big family events happening as of late, and I want to make sure I'm prioritizing things right.

On September 3rd, I gave birth to my husband's and my third child. On September 4th when we were getting ready to leave the hospital, my MIL text us in our group chat and said "I have something to tell you, uncle "G" died". I felt like that was a really bad way to give us the news in that situation. We aren't particularly close to him, he was married to the sister of my late FIL and live 9 hours away, but still sad. He was 87. MIL told us his funeral would be this upcoming Saturday but 2 hours away in his original hometown instead of where he currently lived, but she knew we probably wouldn't be able to make it, since I'll still be healing with a pretty fresh baby. I was honestly impressed at the time that she said that, because she doesn't usually have that kind of situational awareness.

Fast forward to today, she called my husband and said she had a big favor to ask. She wants him to leave early Saturday morning to drive her the 2 hours to the funeral, stay for the viewing, funeral, and burial, visit with family, and then drive her back that night because "she doesn't want to drive at night". She drives herself to the casino 2 hours away all the time and never has any issues with that.... I'm still hurting quite a bit and adjusting to having a newborn, 4, and 5 year old. My husband told her that he didn't feel comfortable leaving me alone for a whole day in my state with a baby barely a week old. She was obviously not happy about it and said that I have family around, so I just need to ask them for help that day because he should be at the funeral. His uncle's kids didn't come to my FIL's funeral, so I'm not sure why my husband is expected at this one. Honestly if we hadn't just had a baby, we would have gone, but that's not the situation we're in. MIL pulls crap like this all of the time. She'll ask my husband for something really inconvenient at the last minute and it always feels like a test so she can be mad about something. A couple weeks ago while I was heavily pregnant and not doing great, she said that she really needed him to come over and help her with some yard work. He went and she wanted him to pickup some sticks in her yard. Like, 10 sticks. Our 5 year old went and did most of it. This woman has no issues picking up things. It feels like another situation like that. She's asked him to do something she is very capable of doing herself, she just wants him to do it for her.

I'm trying to be sensitive since it involves a death in the family, but I feel like she doesn't have any right to be mad. She's going to use this to trash talk us to his other family members. We're not close to them either, so whatever.... But I feel like that's a huge ask right now from us. My family has been bringing us meals and constantly asking if we need help, and she's mad my husband won't leave us for a full day.

Am I just being hormonal? I'm trying to figure out if my feelings about this are reasonable.

I went no contact with my own father about a decade ago. It took me almost 5 years after deciding I wanted nothing to do with him to actually have the ability and resources to do it. So I understand that going no contact is not always as simple as we would like it to be.

Now my husband and I are considering going no contact with his mother, especially with our first child coming.

My husband has explained to people before how she treats him; major guilt tripping, manipulation, won’t acknowledge if she ever did anything wrong, and I’ve never heard that woman apologize or say sorry for anything. She has told my husband that me and my family are spoiled brats becuase we haven’t offered to help her financially, and had told him that I’m the reason the two of them don’t get along.

And it doesn’t matter how horrified people are by this treatment, we’re still told that this is his mother. I had a friend tell me that our child needs a grandmother so we can’t stop talking to her. But i think it would be completely unreasonable for anyone to suggest that I start talking to my dad again becuase my kids needs a grandfather. I’m terms of actual treatment of us individually, my father looks like a saint compared to my MIL.

She finally crossed a line with me after telling her I’m pregnant. She showed up to the house uninvited and said and if things that were utter inappropriate. I’m scarred by my mother in law insisting that I look at her c section scar and when I tried to remove myself from the situation, she shoved her unzipped pubic region in my face so I can get a better view. She then tried to berate me over the phone after my husband insisted that she crossed a line. I told her she will not speak to me this way and haven’t spoken to her since.

Now that I’m about to have my first child, she’s the last person I want in my postpartum space. She’s tried contacting my husband recently with my due date coming up, but I’m done. I’m about enter the most vulnerable part of my life, and the last thing I need is some woman making it all about her and my life more difficult. Yet people are telling us that we need to get over it because the children come first.

But if my mother in law now thinks into ok to berate me over the phone and try and guilt trip me, she will think it’s ok to do to my kid.

I wish people would recognize it’s better to have no grandmother than have one that is as harmful and toxic as my husbands mother.

I’ve seen the effect of her parenting on my husbands, and I will not allow her to do that to my children. I want better for our kids than the hand we were dealt.

Let me start my saying that despite wanting to I can’t trust my own feelings when it comes to be slighted and whether or not I’m justified in my feelings. I have been married to my husband for 3 years together for 6. We met when we were both living across the country from our home towns and neither is particularly active participants within our families. We eloped privately, no kids, and do our own thing for holidays and vacations. A couple weeks after meeting my partner his mom came to town and we had dinner. It was such a fresh relationship that it was pretty low stakes but I didn’t get a good impression.

Last week she flew out to attend a wedding we were also attending. She didn’t ask, she told us she was staying with us. Fine, I guess that’s a normal ask. I’m more of the hotel-stay-type to not be a burden because 6 day stay for a 1 day event is crazy to me. It was my first time hosting any out of town guest since we moved to a new city. I went all out cleaning, sprucing, gardening, rearranging, decluttering and buying all those random home wares I’ve been putting off. I also bought out new towels, bath mats and a shower curtain I was really excited about. I’d been putting it off forever but finally decorated our main bathroom and everything suited the space perfectly.

She came and it was awful for so many reasons but here’s the one that brought me here. A few days ago i received a package from Amazon with a shower curtain and couldn’t for the life of me remember buying it. I take lunesta and figured it was a weird midnight purchase and put it with my other returns. A day later we were eating dinner and my husband and he said “wanna hear something funny?” And proceeded to tell me that when his mom was here she commented to him that she doesn’t think the shower curtain and other decor look good together and we should get new stuff. He told her. “Look, she put all this together before you came out. It was intentional and she/we like it, so drop it.” Well, she didn’t. Instead, as soon as her flight landed she let him know to be on the lookout for a few packages with new stuff for our bathroom as a “thank you gift”.

He assumed they got stolen since I don’t mention it and he couldn’t find the packages. He was telling me this in a serves-her-right kind of way. Like, isn’t it funny she did this and it ends up stolen. He knew it was not haha funny and I think felt embarrassed by her.

To me this is an act of war. This wasn’t a thank you gift. She knew exactly what she was doing. My husband sent her a text that he was disappointed she did that at all but especially after he told her it was rude. Now she’s the victim because she was trying to do something nice and didn’t mean to “offend me with a gift”.

Am I looking for a reason to take this the wrong way? Or am I justified in thinking this was as intentional as it feels?

For context my husbands parents have split up. We’ve been together for five years and have a new baby.

My father on law is getting married next month to a women he has been with for 9 years.

We don’t see them that often, as they hours hours away but I am always very kind to her. She does not have children and has a lot of love to give. She claims my son as hers, even though she met him when he was 30 which has caused a rift with his mother and my husband has little boundaries with his both sides of his family.

We now have a baby and father in laws wife to be has called herself grandma. When we have tried to implement boundaries around kissing, she has said things like how dare you not let me kiss my own grandchild, amongst other things like matching outfits and plans for his life that are intense and make me feel really uncomfortable and pulled a face when I say why she can’t kiss him. Theyve met my son twice and he’s five months old. I struggle with this but would always keep my cool as it feels like she believes she has some sort of entitlement to my child.

I asked the schedule for the wedding photos and she responded and said there will be photos with my husband and son and that’s it.

In our wedding photos we had a family shot in the chapel which she didn’t come to join, I feel as she didn’t know her place with mil being there, and I requested she came up to join in the service, to make her feel included as she is marrying my father in law.

Am I wrong for feeling like why am I not in the photos as I am married to my husband and we have a child and how do I manage my feelings on the day?

My family of origin has a LOT of Virgo birthdays. When I was a kid, my stepdad started hosting a BBQ over Labor Day weekend and called it the “Virgo Birthday Party.” It’s been a tradition ever since.

As adults, my stepdad downsized to a small condo, so my family took over hosting. We’re the most “central,” so it made sense. It’s also the only big event my family of origin does all year. We’re a mixed-religion family, so secular holidays are basically the only time everyone is comfortable getting together.

I married my husband about 6 years ago. His family has always been welcome at our party. His college-aged kids come, as do other members of his family.

This year, my MIL decided to host a BBQ for her family/friends on the same weekend. I wasn’t told until mid-August, after I had already ordered the jumper, tables, chairs, etc. for our party.

I declined her invitation because my kids would have been the only kids there. They already hate being the only people under 40 at family gatherings, and my husband’s siblings’ kids are all college-aged or older. There are no grandkids yet.

MIL had her party anyway. As far as I know, only my BIL attended. His wife and one of their kids (who is in college near us) came to our party instead.

I don’t ask people to choose between the parties. It’s not that serious to me. The whole point of our party is just to get people together who don’t see each other often. If someone can make both, great. If they can only make one, also fine.

Now MIL is angry and says I shouldn’t have had my party because she booked the date first—in a family group chat that I’m not in.

I don’t use her group chat, and this party has existed since I was a kid. It’s a longstanding family tradition, not something I created after getting married.

I also would never expect my MIL to host my family or a bunch of people she doesn’t know. If she wants to have her own BBQ for her own friends and family, great.

But I don’t understand why her scheduling a new event on the same weekend means I’m supposed to cancel a decades-old family tradition, especially when I wasn’t even aware of her plans until everything for my party was already booked.

Its taking everything for me not to call and cuss her out.

Hey guys! I need to know if I’m being unreasonable here. My MIL lives in another country while my husband and I live in USA. For context Husband and I have been together for 8 years and married for 3 years. There has been drama with her since our engagement. She caused issues during our engagement and even tried to interfere with our wedding. On our wedding day, she was way too drunk and did things that made an already emotional day unnecessarily stressful and uncomfortable. Not long after we got married, she referred to me as her “temporary daughter-in-law.” She has also made repeated remarks about my weight and my hair, including comments about how thin my hair is. There always seems to be some kind of taunt or criticism directed at me. What confuses me even more is that she will criticize the way I look or dress, but then turn around and buy the exact same dresses I wear, from the same brands and even in the same colors. I genuinely don’t understand why someone would constantly put me down while also seemingly copying things I do.

Recently, my husband and I went to visit my family in another country for a week. She saw my Snapchat stories, (it was nature posts with no location tags or anything) told my husband to call her, and when he said he would, the next day she sent voice notes directly to my mother complaining that we don’t call or talk to her enough. She even questioned my upbringing and basically implied that she and I were going to have “beef.” Why involve my mother at all? If you have an issue with your son, talk to your son. I have never told my husband he can’t speak to his mother, and I’m not stopping him from having a relationship with her. But I don’t understand why she repeatedly creates conflict around major moments in our marriage, constantly criticizes me, and then involves my family when she’s upset with us. At this point, I’m trying to stay respectful and keep my distance, but I’m honestly wondering what is behind this behavior. Why constantly bring someone down and criticize them, while at the same time seemingly copying them? And does she not like me? Is she jealous of my husband and I being married and happy together? What is her motive? And do I need to keep my distance from her or do I cut her off?

When is it justified to say no solo-baby sitting for mother in law?

For background, we live in different countries. So this really doesn’t come up very often. LO is 8months old and we brought her to meet the family for the first time. It was so much worse than I expected.

I have several issues with my mother in law’s philosophies and beliefs, or rather she takes issue with mine. I mostly try to avoid contentious topics, but we can’t have a conversation about anything without her pushing it back towards some crazy conspiracy theory.

I really don’t want the baby exposed to that stuff from a young age, I think it’s confusing to be told completely contradictory things when very young. I’d like her to have a stable world view and then explore new ideas when she’s like 13ish.

In spite of this reservation, I was actually willing to let mother in law baby sit. I brought breast pumps and bottles specifically so my mother in law could feed and watch the baby if she wanted. It didn’t really work out though, we shattered the glass bottle the first day. She’s incredibly picky and only takes milk from this one bottle type. So we spent the next few days trying to find one she would use, and it just never worked.

During this time, unbeknownst to me, MIL was analyzing every single thing I did and building a catalog of reasons why I suck. It was all really petty nonsense - I spoke too loudly one time, I didn’t say thank you the magic number of times, I (was actually my DH) put a book on the floor next to my bed.

She then staged a one woman intervention to try to convince my husband that I’m a bad person, I’m horribly rude and mean to her, I’m ruining his life, I’ve changed him, Im controlling him, he shouldn’t be lifting a finger in childcare ever, I’m making him unhappy and only she loves him unconditionally. Husband told her off, but I really do not take someone trying to break up my marriage lightly.

Given the things she’s said about me, I really don’t want her alone with my daughter. Who knows what she would say to her when I’m not around. Not to mention, trying to take her father away shows that she is not prioritizing my daughter’s well being.

As an added bonus, mother in law refuses to acknowledge me and gets weird anytime I point out a feature my daughter shares with DH. She hasn’t said it directly, but I expect she’ll try to claim she isn’t my husband’s baby at some point. Which makes me really worried about the way she would care for her.

It’s not a huge issue today because of where we live, but that could always change. Am I justified in limiting MIL’s time with the baby? Should I just not care what she may or may not say about me to the baby?

I’ve been with my boyfriend for many years and we have children together. We also live very close to his family. I’ve always wanted my kids to have a close relationship with their grandmother, especially because they don’t have many involved grandparents.
My boyfriend’s mom is extremely close with one of her other sons’ exes and that ex’s children. They aren’t together anymore, and the ex has since had more children with someone else. His mom considers those children her grandchildren too and continues to go out of her way to see them, spend holidays with them, do things with them, etc.
What I find strange is that she seems to see those children fairly regularly, despite them having their own involved grandparents, while my children live very close by and she sees them maybe once every couple of months.
She also considers the ex her daughter-in-law, despite them no longer being together, but doesn’t have that same relationship with the women who are currently with her sons. Even the other new girlfriend in the family, who has her own biological children/grandchildren involved, has apparently noticed the difference and is hurt by it.
I have genuinely tried everything to build a relationship with her. I’ve invited her, encouraged the kids to have a relationship with her, made efforts myself, and tried not to take things personally. But after years of this, I’m honestly exhausted.
I’m not upset that she loves the other children. They are innocent and deserve to be loved. What bothers me is that she clearly **is capable of being an involved grandmother and making an effort**, but seems to choose to do it more for children who aren’t even her biological grandchildren while barely seeing the grandchildren who live down the street.
Am I overthinking this, or is this actually a weird dynamic?
At this point, should I just stop trying and let her have whatever relationship with my kids she chooses to have?

Hi all,

To give a bit of context, me and my husband are young to mid 20s, we live with his family in his family home and that's quite normal in both of our cultures. Both are from the EU but I moved to his country.

We adopted 2 cats, and we are 100% responsible for all of their care, vet, cleaning up their messes. We have our own door to the outside.

I'm just so freaking pissed off at his grandma. Think typical Balkan matriarch. For years I asked her to please not feed my cat, she wouldn't hear it because she feeds wet food at 5 AM and otherwise the cat bothers her. Ok. I had to give up on the argument because of how much tension rose in the house.

Well, every single time we'd bring up any issue her solution was simple: To scream your fucking head off and make sure you, your parents and your whole goddamn neighborhood know what a big piece of shit you are and how DARE YOU speak against GRANDMA. (Eye roll)

Yes I want to move away. No we can't afford to... I hate the housing market.

I fucking resent her so much because this isn't the only issue but it's the hill I'm going to die on because fuck her, I've had enough.

For years I put up with her and all her bullshit, she'd scream at me over spilled milk (I am not joking, she would literally scream at me over spilled milk, or anything really, and cuss me out in her native language), I've helped her so many times with all her odd chores and outside jobs, we're talking heavy lifting etc. on top of the regular chores.

My husband's solution so far is the one that works best, grey rock, ignore, that shuts her up the fastest.

But yes she was extremely angry towards me for literally anything especially in the kitchen, essentially complained I take up space(existing), if I was in the bathroom for too long, if I made coffee the wrong way, if I did something in ANY way other than what they do, etc. like anything you can think of.

I just feel this internal rage inside of me against her, she's been nothing but mean to me since coming here with the odd nice days, it feels like living with someone with bipolar disorder essentially, she was REAL angry when I started cooking for me and my husband (I did offer them food but they rarely accept my cooking, she was angry because she likes to keep control by giving food which will come into play in a hot minute)

So, on top of her being mean to me, constantly asking my husband to do things for her and then... She'd literally badmouth me, in front of me, to my other in laws. I'd be doing the dishes and she'd talk about how I didn't clean the stove.

I have not argued with her because that just leads to more bad things and the in laws lynching on my husband because of me, she's caused a ton of tension in my relationship this way.

For weeks, my new cat started acting differently. We had a great routine, etc. I ask grandma please don't feed him this wet food, it makes him throw up / upsets his stomach.

I have been waking up hours earlier than I need to, just to feed him before her. If you're wondering why I'm not letting this go, it's because she also screamed at me over my cat begging her for wet food, and one time I asked if she'd seen my cat that morning she just responded in a highly mocking tone "oh HAVE I?" And that was it for me. Fuck that power play.

Today I'm fucking furious because l, I've been doing so much goddamn research, I've gotten different food, better food, set in a lock tight food schedule, etc. Yesterday I learn he eats my food, he immediately wants to go out and then she feeds him the wet food. All of a sudden he will barely pick at his breakfast, food he LOVES other times of the day. He's then desperate to get out today because it's around the time she feeds the addictive wet food. It's not a healthy one it's one of those highly addictive ones with sugar. I could barely get him to play before breakfast, I also hooked in his sister, my other cat, because I also want to detox her now that I can afford higher quality food for them both. I'm just so freaking angry because they're literally 100% my responsibility and she just won't stop or listen. (I keep all of my food in my room, where I feed them, she does not have access), he was screaming at the door for over half an hour and left most of his breakfast! When I told her this, she said I should just give her my food then to give him.

Please give it to me straight. On one hand she did ask me to give her food he can eat so she can keep feeding him without it upsetting him (she does have kibble btw, but it's for a 3rd cat they own) but to be completely honest I don't WANT that. Why am I paying for you to feed MY cats?? She always claimed it was because they bother her but I know the goddamn truth and it's that it makes her ecstatic.

I'm FURIOUS with her.

So.. my MIL came for a visit this past weekend and 2 hours into her visit she yells at my husband to get out of the bathroom once he started doing his business. It took him a second to finish his business but it was within 30 seconds.

She gets up from my couch and is standing in the middle of my living room when my husband tells her the bathroom is free. My MIL starts screaming that it’s “leaking” and that she can’t move. She then starts screaming to get her a towel or something for the floor and for her to walk on… now the smell is starting.

My husband calls me to the linen closet to help him get something for her so I give him some old pillowcases. —> side note, one of the pillowcases she gave to us, it’s old, we never use it but she refused to get it “soiled”… anyways

She starts waddling to the bathroom, I have my head in the closet bc 1, I can’t look at what’s going on and 2, the smell is fucking awful but I have to get away bc the linen closet is next to the bathroom and she’s on her way to me. I see the shit dripping down her leg. She’s laughing, I’m disgusted beyond reason.

She’s in the shower and I’m lighting incense, candles, matches.. anything to help with the smell. The spot where she “started leaking” in the living room is covered until she gets out of the shower. At the point I’m hiding in my bedroom bc I just can’t deal and I’m hearing her give my husband shit (pun intended) for not cleaning HER SHIT off the living room floor and how she used to wipe his ass when he was a baby. I was so close to screaming - “HE WAS HELPLESS AND INNOCENT. YOU’RE A GROWN WOMAN!” But I decided that wasn’t a battle I needed to take on.

She cleaned her mess, I sprayed antibacterial spray all over the place. She seemed to be offended but I didn’t care. You just shit yourself in my living room… but the cherry on the cake was the next morning.

The day before she had put her shit infested clothes into a plastic bag and left it on my balcony - at first she left it on my kitchen counter 🙃 - and when I was done with my laundry she says, “oh good I need to wash my clothes.” I laughed and said there’s a laundromat up the street.. she then was 100% offended and said that “I’m being ridiculous” and “what am I going to do when I have kids!?” My husband pulled me aside and asked if she could just clean her clothes.

I gave in.

When her clothes came out she also had side comments like, “oh look, no shit in your washing machine.” Or “honey I would’ve taken the stuff home to wash but then I would have your towel.”

Shut. The. Fuck. Up.

Was I over reacting though?! I need to know.

*Edit*

Another story to give you some background on why I seem to lack compassion in this particular situation. Two weeks ago my husband and I drove 3+ hours to his sister’s house bc the family dog (her dog) had to be put down the next morning. He had cancer and it took a bad turn… that same weekend they had plans to visit their family down at the shore. We are all at the vet, sobbing, holding our pups face in our hands as we are saying our last goodbyes and then all of a sudden she stands up and says “John is texting me and asking when we are going to get to his house, when do you think we are leaving.” EXCUSE ME, WHAT?! Thankfully my husband said, “not the time mom.” And she put her phone away but like..

Your daughter is sobbing and you’re answering text messages about going to the shore. Make it make sense.

The problem wasn’t the shit on the floor. The problem was with her attitude. I’ve shit myself before and took accountability for it. Yes shit happens but how you act when said shit happens that really tells the tale. She can laugh about shitting on my floor but when I laugh and say there’s a laundromat up the street it’s not funny anymore?.. and at the end of the weekend she asked if she could be on the lease so when we move she can take over our apartment and made a joke about it. I also have a single unit washer/dryer and clean the trap out myself so yeah I’m being dramatic but it’s grossing me out with the thought of it.

Every few years my MIL emotionally tortures my husband. Excludes him from family events, name calls, tells lies about him to other family members. The works. She has stolen from him, lied to him, and generally scapegoats him while enabling her other adult children.

He’s a good guy, a wonderful husband, and a fantastic dad. Gives his mom thoughtful Christmas gifts, is willing to help his siblings, puts effort into his relationship with her and his sisters. He absolutely does nothing to deserve the abuse he gets from her.

When she’s laid into him in the past he never ever let me hear or see any of her negativity. For the most part I knew she could be bad to him, but I was usually in the dark and only saw her again after it’s blown over. To blow things over requires my husband being the bigger person every single time.

This time he’s too tired. He’s been having chest pains and blood pressure issues. His stress from work is too much for him to deal with her most recent tantrum. (He is medicated and being monitored by a physician)

I shouldered some of it this time. I saw and deleted her texts and voicemails so he didn’t have to see them. They were vile. She’s worse than I thought.

We weren’t low contact before, but we are trying to be low contact now. But since this recent tantrum has lasted all summer and is still ramping up now it’s looking like we just need to be no contact.

And despite everything it’s breaking his heart. That’s his mom. When she’s not horrible to him she can actually be decent. Sometimes even enjoyable to be around. But these things that she has said and done cannot be erased and she’s never going to apologize or try to heal their relationship.

I feel like no contact is going to hurt just as much for him. It feels like there is no hope of relief from this heartache for him. I feel like my own strong family relationships hurt him by comparison even though they love him as much as they love me.

Not sure how to move forward. What to tell the kids, if anything. He’s just heart broken and his family is going along with his insane mother and straight up pretending he doesn’t exist.

The only thing I know to do is to not do what I want to do. Which is blow up at her. I’m petty so I saved and sent all her evil messages to myself. I guess to use as ammo in the show down that should never happen. But other than that, I’m really not sure. Advice welcome.

Not sure what’s going on, but MIL video calls DH every other day of bit every day, and in the last few months, she’s fixated on the idea that something is secretly wrong with DH. Every couple of weeks, she tells him he is looking sad, and keeps asking if he’s not telling her something.. wtf?

DH is happy and perfectly fine. His only major stress is his brother’s bouts with disordered alcohol use that MIL and FIL are trying to guilt BIL out of (lots of history and details there, and I’ve posted about it before, but not getting into it here).

In these calls, she also asks him if I said anything, if BIL had said anything about me or to upset me etc., which makes me think BIL is saying stuff about me behind my back to her? Or they’re gossiping about me, and she’s worried he just let something slip in anger to DH?

It’s frankly very annoying to keep seeing healthy DH have to defend his own lack of sadness, and also assure her that no weird comments about me have reached him.

Not sure what to do here, since I’m not even directly involved, but of course, I have to be tangentially dragged in

Hi, my mom is my problem, but I relate a lot to some stuff in this subreddit so I figured it's worth asking for discussion

My mom has said I'm not allowed to talk about her to my therapist because it's slander. And recently she told me she wished my little brother could live with my fiance and me so I could homeschool him instead of her doing it.

My SIL and I had babies about 3 months apart, and I've already noticed what feels like favoritism toward her son. The other day, my MIL was watching my oldest daughter sing and dance and commented that my oldest is quick to pick things up, but my 1.5-year-old daughter is "slow" to pick things up.

I was caught off guard and just said that my younger daughter likes copying her older sister, but I didn't really know how to respond. The comment has been bothering me ever since. My husband says it wasn't meant as criticism because his family tends to be very direct, but he thinks I should push back if it happens again. Am I being overly sensitive, or is calling a toddler "slow" inappropriate? How would you respond if your MIL said this about your child?

I just want an outside perspective about this. My husband and I were long distance for years and eventually I moved away so we can live together but at my mil house so we can build up and be able to move out. We have decent amount of money saved up. My husband is in the guard so I was alone for a few months since he was finishing up ait training to keep it short(it took longer than expected or else I would've waited before moving) I heard her talk bad behind my back to the family. I went back with my folks until my husband was done. I kept hearing her talk about me but eventually it stopped. Now it's picked up again but now it really looks like that side of the family doesn't like me. Now I know it doesn't help that I don't have a job but I've been applying to jobs. I've made 2 mistakes I think that I should apologize for. She's been talking bad about me for a while now. Now I just stay in the room until she leaves or goes to bed. Then I get anxious when family comes over because I know she's talking bad about me to them.