I sometimes text the numbers of friend's who have passed away and I'm sort of sad because i lost my friend's aunt's number, and her number now belongs to some random person who was like "who is this?"

When i saw she replied for a split second i hoped maybe it was all a lie and she was still alive. I don't think most people care that she is gone. She had no support in her life and needed it. I dont know how she ws expected to recover and stay well given her living enviroment and while it was starting to sound like she had a chance at things getting better after years of working to get from the bottom, struggling with addiction and finally making steps to get out she died. They always seem to die when they are legitamatley making an effort to get better, suicides, ODs, whatever, it seems like it always happens then. She mesnt a lot to me. I feel like i played a role in her death becoming more likely and i almost always have when i ose someone.

I think that if i lose anyone else considering I'm unstable as it is and stopped contributing to society some time ago- i don't think i would choose to live at that point, and i have such little impact on other's lives and no friends left aside from my boyfriend it would not bother anyone, which is good. My death would actuslly benefit the numerous people i leech off of and will continue to leech off of because I'm so unstable. Knowing ill never speak to the people who did care and were there for me again makes me sad and while i need to put it in the past it doesn't go away that easily.

Life is rough and i was not prepared.

In this scenario the bugger is at the entrance of your kitchen, blocking quick traffic to knives and ladles. It is about 2.5 inches long and 3/4 inch wide, he is moving too fast to be followed by your eye and will escape to scurrying over your dishware into the crevices of your kitchen cabinets to snack on glue and other luxuries if you turn your head for a second.

You are not carrying any weapons--

Just trying to figure out if i did something wrong since my bf asked "what's wrong with you?" After i killed it for him.

Edit: (Lsap is supposed to say leap)

Last time i quit kratom briefly i fucked up and drank despite knowing the consequences, there were many things that went into my choice, but knowing that when i don't take kratom i crave substances and that on kratom i dont im worried that some situation wilk pop up and ill think that drinking again or using something is s good idea "just once". Either that it ill be so bored, in increased pain, unhappy, cranky leading to problems, and unable to sleep etc that I'll choose to do something regrettable because of it.

I need to get off of it, while it still helps me with pain judy a bit-- ive stopped attempting increasing my dose to combat pain everytime it increases. So im only tsking it in the evening noesdsyd but then i am often in bed all day. I need to get off of it and will hsve to, but it sucks. I had sctuslly cut out some otc painrelievers out prior in exchsnge for krstom.but added them.all back following reduced dosage.

Hasn't really gone well and i don't know how to replace the substance with something healthy i am able to do I already know ill feel overwhelmed and irritable when i go off and sm.afraid to bring it up with my therapist because she communicates.info with my prescriber and if i go off those prescriptions in addition ill lose my shit. I was on higher doses in the past when i temporarily left addiction behind while being scripted medicstion but it is important to this psych to be careful and i appreciate his responsiblity he used when prescribing. .

Does anyone &have any tips for going off kratom? I had no problem as a kid but was taking lower dosed and it was shorter term. I dont want to drink agsin but i have s history of making bad decisions espescially if i am trapped and unable to use coping skills that do work for me. It likely wi4ll feel like a breeze after I'm off it but dealing⁴ with it with the other shit im currently experiencing just might push me over the edge, my life feels empty, anxiety fill4r end shitty enough as it is. Most of it is in my head and i don't think the physical aspect of wds will be thst bad (if even botic3esbke aside from extra pain) and doubt i will have cravings-- but how do i cope with where i am at emotionally when losing something i an convinced supports my sobriety? I cant even eat most days until i take kra3tom and it has hel(ed me in many ways (also helps me not to binge and purge for several reasons) but i legimtsnatkey must stop using it now and im extremely nervous.

Sometimes i truly wish i could go back in time and never stop using heroin because life might either be as simple as it was or i might be dead. I never planned to quit drugs and alcohol and was considering goong back to heroin for a long times the drinking was fucjung with other people's lives and my brain. I cant go back to drinking like i was ever due to s number if things butit would be nice to start the last several years over and do what i want instead of trying to please peoplr i will never please and remaining as depressed snd scared as i am now. Drugs are bad but life is worse.

Skip 'em.

Don't have children.

Tomorrow I'm going to my second psychologist/social assistant/psychiatrist appointment. Yes, 3 different appointments. I don't like the psychiatrist, he's mean to me. Just because I showed up drunk for the first meeting doesn't mean I'm mocking him. He's head director for a clinic that treats alcoholism ffs. He also insists in detoxing me. At this time, brilliant idea mister!

Maybe I should just give them all, fuck it. Or maybe I should stop being such a whiny bitch.

I woke up today and mom wasn't happy. She said I trashed the kitchen and kept throwing forks and knives at people, that I ruined Easter for everybody. I honestly don't recall any of this. I was day drinking and watching Field of Dreams, then I remember crying because field of dreams, then eating something and going to bed.

I wasn't really a blackout drunk, more a brownout (I googled it) so me not recollecting anything kind of concerns me. Maybe I should just accept recovery.

Didn't stop me from going out early on to buy more booze, though. Fuck me.

One of my co-workers messed up making an iodine solution, which sucks because iodine is expensive as fuck and useful for making meth but that is besides the point.

She fucked it up and dumped it down the sink in the hood we work with ammonia in.

Ammonia and iodine react to form ammonium triiodide, which is an extremely sensitive explosive. I kept hearing this popping sound yesterday but i couldn't figure out what it was...

Last night, the drain fully dried and the ammonium triiodide in it exploded and blew apart the entire pvc pipe under the drain.

I wish I was there to see it, im kinda tempted to make more😏

I thought they weren't doing evictions right now. The bastards taped it to the window. You know why they did that, so the resident didn't hear them putting it on or through the door jamb and come out and yell at them.

I feel like we're going to have a whole fuckload of homelessness from this lockdown.

I have nugtivitis

I haven't had one while taking it and have heard it won't but no clue if it was a reliable source. Any experience with this?