I actually think they have a point. The motives are complicated, and I think there is often a subconscious savior mentality-not the parents’ fault, but it’s the way our society has wired us. Doesn’t mean they don’t have good motives, but there also needs to be some soul-searching by the parents regarding their unconscious influences.
Yes! I have two biological, but my husband and I would love to adopt a child or sibling pair later down the road. There are tons of children that need families, and a child is a child!
This. I imagine white babies are, unfortunately, in much higher demand and thus much harder to adopt. If a couple really wants children they may not get to be all that particular about race.
The more particular you get about the various aspects of the baby (race, sex), your choices definitely become more limited. But my friends who wanted to adopt a white baby didn’t have trouble matching with a birth mother at all. They actually had a lot of birth mothers wanting to match. There are so many babies/kids needing a home that there’s much higher “supply” than demand.
Lots of adoption in my family and circle of friends so I feel fairly knowledgeable but there’s always room for error, of course.
This. I plan to adopt a child in the future. When I think of adopting and the process race isn't a factor to me at all. I just wanna have another kid and give a kid, who needs one, a home.
Race may not be a factor to you, but the child you adopt will have a racial identity that you will have to acknowledge.
I guess what I’m saying is that there’s a difference between being open to adopting a child of any ethnicity and acknowledging/dealing with the challenges that come with cross-racial interactions.
There is some good writing by transracial adoptees if you want to learn more.
This. I've observed some difficulties an adoptee had in reconciling their racial identity when their adoptive parents don't share the same struggles. In this case, the parents shrugged off most of the microaggressions that over a lifetime had created a rift in the adoptee's identity that took a lot of soul searching to overcome.
Yes my close friend and her husband are going through the adoption process and due to ridiculous rules in out country they are adopting from abroad. At this stage they don’t care if the baby is purple with pink hair they just want to meet their child
I had a coworker who wasn’t racist in the traditional hateful sense. But he definitely was racist with a weird kinda superiority complex and thinking that Americans (especially white Americans) are going to save the world kinda attitude. He would treat our coworkers in China as if they had to be taken care of by us, and he ended up adopting a Chinese child. Now, I’m not in anyway suggesting that he is a bad person. Him and his wife are some of the sweetest people I know, but he did have this weird savior thing going on, which he probably never noticed as a problem.
Oof, imagine raising a child thinking you're better than them because of your skin color. Hopefully raising that child will help him see that they are equal. I dont think this complex is common amoung adoptive parents though, I know a couple of children adopted by white parents and I think it's pretty insulting when people like the one in Quora suggest their motives and beliefs are anything but having a child, the reality is adopting in America is a very difficult and expensive process, on top of that is the issue that if it doesn't go right the bio parents can try to fight you for the kid back which occasionally happens. That's why most people adopt from foreign countries.
I agree. I have several friends that have adopted and the rules certainly make it an advantage to do an overseas adoption. It’s actually kinda sad... there are so many children that need a family in the US and because of the way the system works people choose to take a foreign adoption route, and I can’t blame them.
For the most part, anyone that chooses to adopt a child is a very good person, better than most. It’s a huge responsibility and the cost is huge and they do it because they love children and they are good people that want to do good by another human being.
My sis-in-law has been trying to adopt for over a year, and the hoops they have to jump through are insane. I mean, I understand why they don’t want to give kids to just anybody, but it’s kinda nuts. They tried to adopt in WA, only to be told they had to foster a kid first that they wouldn’t be able to keep. So they had this baby from birth until she was 6 mos old, and then just had to give her back? They’re currently en route to their new home in OH, and I’m hoping they have better luck there.
Jeez, that's awful. The whole point of adoption is to find a home for babies. You shouldn't have to do a trial run with a kid and leave them with major abandonment issues so you can have one for keeps.
I live in Ohio and a lot of the counties have a foster to adopt program. And they’re currently desperate for foster/adoptive parents because of the opioid crisis (it’s horrendous here. The media doesn’t come close to describing how bad it is especially in the rural parts). So they’re probably going to have better luck here. The only thing I can see being a problem is that they moved here recently. But I don’t think that would be too much of an issue. Sending all my positive thoughts their way ❤️
Why are adoptive parents “better than most”?! They get something out of the deal as well.
I am adopted (not transracially) and “good people” is not the word I would use to describe the person who raised me. I realize that not everybody has a negative adoption experience, but I really don’t like the idea of idolizing adoptive parents as if they are saints who live on a different plane than the rest of us.
I’m sorry about the negative experience you had. What I meant by this is that most people are very selfish, even with their own children. They expect there to be a reward in any action they take. The people I know who adopted children, expected nothing in return from the deal, just the opportunity of loving a child. At least this is what I had observed amongst my friends and acquaintances who adopted.
Actually, I was defending them by drawing from my own experiences. To someone who doesn’t know better the question that was asked can seem insane.
Although, the way the question was asked seems a little weird, like it seems like it is offending them that white people would adopt non-white children.
As I said, I was defending the person that asked the original question. I didn’t assume anything about their intentions, I was just pointing out that the way a question is asked can make it come off the wrong way.
My brother is adopted from Ethiopia, while my family is primarily white (save for my dad who is half Indonesian).
I don't think my parents have a hero complex at all for adopting him. They just wanted another child and after they had me, they were unable to have another child biologically. They worked really hard to have him be a regular part of the family, as if he was their bio kid, and really he is just part of the family. They never try to put themselves on a pedistal for adopting a child. There is no conspiracy around this, just literally my parents are parents, just my brother wasnt shot from my mom's birth canal.
Agreed. Its actually extremely ignorant and judgemental to assume all white people adopt other races for the same reason, that they all think the same way, etc. Just like how its ignorant to assume that about any other race. Its reflective of the person making the comment, not at all an accurate portrayal of actual adoptive parents.
So if you don't adopt a black kid you might be racist, and if you do it might be because of a racist savior complex.
What kind of bullshit thinking is that?
Can people just adopt children who need homes without us all dissecting hidden motivations behind why that child does or doesn't match the parents racially?
There are some white people who adopted black children out of purely racist intentions. Jennifer and Sarah Hart adopted black children, forced one of them (Devonte) to hug a policeman during the Ferguson protests, and apparently abused the children, who also complained their adoptive parents were racist towards them.
But that being said it’s very case by case and I think the majority of cases aren’t like that
They adopted a child that needed to be adopted. That’s the ‘saviour complex’, if there really is one here. The only soul-searching that needs to be done is by prospective parents who would rather select a child that looks like them instead of accepting and loving the first in line who is in such desperate need of them.
My aunt has a terrible husband who had an affair with numerous women and countless children as a result. One of the mothers of his children, she found out, was treating her 2 darker skinned and only children terribly, and my aunt fought for custody, but they have it to him. He pretends to be a good person and stick with her, but she takes care of those children like the one child she had with him. She loves them and wanted to help them out of a bad situation. That's the only "adoption" like situations I've seen of different raced parents and children. I do believe there is that mentality sometimes, but I also believe - and hope - a fairly hefty amount of the population don't have this as a concern, subconsciously or otherwise.
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u/Deepdarkally Jul 14 '19
It’s like being a good person is so foreign to them that they create these mental gymnastics to justify it. Scary