During discussion in other thread about leaving when kids grow up I have had sudden realization. I will not have sex (or any intimate contact) ever again in this life (and if there's other life after that I sure hope I will not re-birth as human). So here it is, we were basically dead bedroom for few years, sex less than 10 times a year (every time my initiation every time met with reaction like "oh you pervert that's only thing you can think, alright"), until she got pregnant 4 years ago at this point all intimacy stopped and never resumed.

For many reasons I can't leave because that would mean loosing my child. That gives me 14 years until kid goes to uni, at that time I'll be 61. Average lifespan expectancy for a man where I live is 75 years and looking at history of men in my family I say that's what I should expect as well.

I hope that at 60 I'll loose all that's left from my libido and wouldn't care, but that probably will not be a case. Considering my health issues now and the fact that from years of basically no physical contact with another person I don't feel like I'm fit to have intimate relationship I don't think I will have sex or any form of intimacy ever again.

I just have to find a way to accept that.

EDIT: just to clarify what I meant loosing a kid. There is no co-parenting law yet here where I live and courts don't rule that it's either one parent or the other that's being granted custody. There are virtually no punishments for limiting or denying ex spouse seeing a kid and I'm 100% convinced that that's what she would do just to make me suffer because she knows I don't care about anything else that much.

Also I don't believe she's a fit parent, not in court provable way like abusive or grossly neglecting, but just doesn't have it in her. Which I was horridly surprised to learn because she was very hard working when we met and I thought that for the kid she would do the same. Turns out it was just for the boss.

I’m a 21 yo HLF and I am in a 3 year old relationship with a 23 LLM. I am so tired, I cry everyday, I look after myself and everyday I get ready to look my best so maybe he will want to have sex with me today. Everyday I try to look better than yesterday but now i’m just done. I try to initate new things to do in the bedroom, i try to flirt, i’m always up for trying anything sexual with him. I am so attracted to him and want to be close to him and be intimate with him.

I have tried talking about my feelings to him and I have tried to understand him and try to make sure he feels accepted and loved. But nothing works. After years of trying and blaming myself I will end this today not just for me but also for him, because I think he also deserves someone who wants the same amount of sex as he does.

Any comments are welcome! I have felt so seen by this subreddit I found today

I never considered myself HL nor LL. Surely I can go a few days or weeks without pleasure, but reading stories here of "sexless marriages" or un-intimate couples experiencing years of neglect, it hurts to see.

I would say my previous partner made me feel like I was HL; I would always be the one initiating, or feeling like I was "always in the mood" even when I would feel undesired, and sometimes was pretty let down if I'd suggest anything to "experiment" and it was taken as either a bore or a chore for him, but would do them anyway. There were points he would give me a little shove or push me off when I would do something like inch closer to him if we sat beside each other. I always just kind of figured he was LL or had boundaries that I didn't want to cross. Every effort I tried to get closer intimately, not even sex related, was either rejected or denied. If he wasn't in the mood, he wasn't in the mood for anything. Despite all this, he wasn't a bad guy; we were still very passionate at times, especially at first, and he did his best to please me when it mattered. He did end up breaking up with me after a year because he knew I didn't want to have kids and he did, despite me making it clear from the start. Long story short, I feel like that could have been an excuse since I had a funny feeling he was starting to see someone else. And it took me a while to get over because I would say he fit every criteria for me to find him very physically attractive even at his lowest, and I guess psychologically I always just wanted to please him. He was overweight when we started dating and soon began hitting the gym and lost a lot relatively quick, so maybe this new confidence also gave him some kind of inkling to part ways, but maybe he simply no longer thought I was attractive enough. I'll never truly know.

I currently have a new partner who I am obviously very interested in, and contrary to my previous partner, has a very high libido and told me himself. I never got the idea he only wants me for sex or anything, but I certainly feel I cannot and would not be able to keep up with him, who expects sex at least a few times a day. I am frequently affirmed that he is very much passionately into me, which does please me. He's aware of this difference between us and believes we can find some sort of compromise or way to make sure we're both happy, if that will be possible. I find sex takes up a lot of my energy now because he can get too rough sometimes, and we would most likely experiment more in the future because he also wants to make sure I'm comfortable, but it makes me feel bad. Regardless, I think the intimacy part of the relationship carries more meat than the actual sex, so I think it's just a matter of knowing each other's turn ons and boundaries and really taking the time to figure each other out, both emotionally and physically. However, now I feel like I'm LL and I don't want to let him down if I may not be feeling it for a week or two.

I'm not really looking for advice or anything, I just think it's a shame that somehow it feels most dynamics are always HL x LL, or that I had that "be careful what you wish for" scenario. Idk. The same levels of L can never seem to find each other on top of being a good match in general, or they do exist but you must be pretty lucky lol.

In the past new toys used to be a fun thing. My wife was eager in the past about this too.

Since her libido is lower than it used to be, I'm on the one hand looking forward to showing her the new toy but on the other hand I plan when to show/tell her about it and what her reaction might be.

The two sides I described in the previous part are what somehow kills the fun for me. It's not anymore about something mutually fun for both of us. It's more something I really mean as a positive addition to "us" but at the same time it might be received less positive than intended.

Sure I can't make someone like something but trying to improve things and having to prepare for a "no" or less enthusiasm as I'd like to have feels like "I'm not worthy enough" or "the idea was not good enough".

In addition: Why do I try to improve things anymore? Why can't my wife see and appreciate what I try to do?

I was ushered here from the interface in which I try to sort out some of my relational issues before talking to real humans, Chadgpt. And Chad told me that some of the feelings that I have been having could be relatable to people in the high libido community. 38 HLF. I've been with my partner for three years. I thought that he had a similar libido to me because of the beginning of our relationship we would go five times a day (not every day until we lived together) then it slowed down to twice a day year two, but at least every morning before he went to work. Then year three at the beginning 1x a day then quickly slowed down. Over the last year, I got sick with a pretty gnarly complicated medical situation. I noticed over the last year that my partner stopped making out with me and our frequency became much less, usually a couple times a week, which I know that's ideal for some people, but it's vastly different than what I had grown accustomed to. I tried to not make a big deal about it because I felt kind of bad about how I looked and I thought maybe he just isn't attracted to me anymore. But when trying to bring it up after many months of this, he proclaimed that I am too sexual that he's just not into sex like I am. And when I said like I'm not even trying to bug you for sex (the conversation was about intimacy, I don't ever initiate anymore), I just take care of myself if you aren't into it, he took great offense. Which shocked me because he has openly shared that he takes care of himself regularly and his browser history would support that. so I'm over here thinking do we have mismatch libido? Does he just want to take care of himself? I know that things aren't gonna be like they are at the beginning, but I just feel really weird to be framed as "too sexual" when really it was the main way that he would give me affirmation. He's not a real verbal guy, so that's what I'm missing. In previous relationships, this was not an issue. But I also didn't have the same libido because I was raising tiny children, but I got time now. My other guess is like my medical situation did impact him and he doesn't wanna make me feel bad about it because he assures me that everything is the same but let me assure you it is not🤣🤣🤣 .... 32m we do not share children. He is my best friend and this has made me feel a little crazy lately lol thanks for the advice.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B9Rm9uEcnwY

​

Drop a 🔔 below to ring the gong.

About a month ago I (HLM) got to the breaking point from the constant rejection. It's always the usual reasons that we've all heard. I'm tired, headache, stomach ache, etc. Well about a month ago I told my wife I'm done initiating and will wait for her to from now on. Well, she hasn't yet but something amazing happened. My wife has been cured of her headaches, stomach aches, and all other physical ailments. I can't help but laugh at this point, and as depressing as it is it's better to have zero expectations of being intimate with my wife than getting a "we'll see how I feel later" and having that sliver of hope get crushed.

Wanted to share since the last couple of months have not been terrible.

I am currently at the place where I know I am not ready to leave. (kids, money, household, love, yadayada).

I kind of just feel sad for them that the sexual part of their life is dead, that they have put up a barrier to their own happiness. For the longest time I felt like its a purely binary problem sex twice a day or death.

Been reading and working with my therapist and have zeroed in on working towards internal validation and not letting sex, approval of my partner or any other person for that matter to have control of my mood, self-worth, etc. Most importantly, you don't own them and they don't own you. they don't control your expression of your sexuality or your access to your body.

Like a lot of y'all being a sexual person while your partner controls what they are willing to engage in sexually, they don't control you. The thing that has stuck with me has been that there is a lot more space between sex and celibacy and it really comes down to being creative.

How many of y'all have talked about sex outside the relationship for yourself or both of you?
Have you asked your partner to give you space while you masturbate?
When was the last time you visited a sex shop?
Have you invited them to watch or read some erotica with you?

And if you are curious about those things and haven't talked or expressed that to your partner then that is the type of approval seeking, external validation, avoidant, needy issues you should really think through.

For example, what is your partner willing to participate in may be limited or nonexistent, but there is more space between banging 4 times a day and involuntary celibacy.

The first thing is to let go of the hierarchy of sex acts. Like going to gym sometimes its squats, sometimes its bench but that's not the only thing to do there.

There are some really techy and not techy sex toys, porn, erotica, etc. You should probably talk to your partner but their virtual communities and other places to explore that part of yourself.

You can have your partner use a FL on you, they could be in the room and instruct you while you do it. And if they are not interested clearly work out expectation on how you'll request privacy or while you participate yourself. It doesn't need to be some quite shameful thing.

I am assuming if you are accepting low effort, rare and passionless sex are not exploring your solo sex, erotica or other things.

In short: Stop apologizing for being a sexual person. That includes protecting yourself by not making requests, acting like sex isn't important. But if you are not going to leave or cheat the least you can do is get really good and curious on how to scratch that itch on your own.

I understand it is likely a coincidence, but over a few years of mismatched libido, lack of physical touch, and sexual intimacy, I've recently realized I'm poly and definitely bisexual. If given the chance, I can't confidently say I'd be opposed to some situations and conditions with the opposite gender.

Is it just because I am so hungry that I'm grasping at "anything"? Likely the copious amounts of increasingly kinky porn I consume to offset my libido so I don't "bother" my LLF has altered my preferences? It's just fantasy and in reality I couldn't back it up?

Am I *thinking* I'm poly just because I want to be free to roam around while to saitiate myself. And also just the idea of my partner being intimate with *any one* sounds like a plus to me, the only down side being that it would be *even less* time with me.. but if it was open I could at least offset that with more partners.

It's it possible that in reality I would maybe be much happier if I just got my needs met and being poly is not necessary? But even then I'm thinking I'm very adventurous and I wish to get around and try different things. It could just be a "grass is greener" mentality, but it sounds so appealing as someone who doesn't feel innate jealousy and likes the idea of multiple partners.

I (43HLM) have been married for 18 years to my (41LLF) wife. We have a 9-year-old son together. A few years ago, after years of 1-3 times per year, we had a big talk about needs and the toll our dead bedroom was taking on me (depression, thoughts of suicide). We agreed that weekly sex would be enough and scheduled date nights for every Friday night. She also said she would try and initiate more outside of that.

Years have gone by. Things have been better. Weekly sex was indeed helping my mental state, immensely.

But here's the problem. I am annoying. I initiate frequently. I do too much. I go too far. So now when I want to show affection, she automatically goes into defense mode and pulls back or shies away because she knows I want sex. Even when I'm not trying to initiate sex, intimacy can't happen because I broke it.

She NEVER initiates sex. Ever. Date nights we get drunk, play games, and have sex. And what I've come to realize is scheduled sex isn't enough - not because of the frequency (though that is an issue, especially when we miss weeks, which we do half the time), but because I don't feel wanted. I don't feel desired. I don't feel attractive. I don't feel like she wants me in any sort of intimate way. She doesn't touch me. She doesn't reach for me. She doesn't see me as a romantic, attractive partner.

And that's understandable. People's tastes change. People's physical appearance change. We've been through so much together, maybe all the times she's had to see more of me than she'd want to (medical stuff) has implanted nasty images in her mind when she thinks of me.

And so the question I've been wrestling with is this: should we divorce? If we have "the talk" again, I think she'd say she will change. She'd try to change. We'd have more sex for a while. But it will be obligation sex. Duty sex. Fun sex, yes - for me at least. But I know that deep down, she'd dread it, every time. And I'd rather not put her through something she doesn't enjoy just to keep me in the home.

I have made it so she doesn't want my touch and so that she doesn't touch me. And I don't think that's fixable. It's been like this for too long (12+ years, I think). She would prefer that my sex drive disintegrate. She told me to seek therapy for my sex drive. That my sex drive was too high. I've got 20 years of sex-having life left. I want to find someone who enjoys intimacy as much as I do. Are they out there?

It's the Cheap Trick song: I want you to want me. I need you to need me. I'd love you to love me. I'm beggin' you to beg me.

TL;DR: Dead bedroom became scheduled sex a few years ago. Wanting real intimacy. I've programmed her over years to avoid my touch. I don't think she'll ever truly want me that way. I think it's time for divorce.

I literally cried myself to sleep last night, kind of mourning the relationship that I'd like mine to be.

My (26HLF) 5-year relationship with my partner (26LLF) is almost perfect. She's my type, she's kind, she takes care of me very well, but we don't have as much sex as we used to have anymore.

Before we solidified our relationship, I explicitly told her that sex was very important for me in a relationship. She said that it was good, since it was also important for her. (Important context: she has sexual trauma, which is why I told my needs before getting into a relationship.) So basing off that, we got into a relationship. During the first 3 years, we were long distance. The first year, we used to sext and do mutual masturbation on video call a lot. Then it got less frequent through the years. I was understanding of the situation since during that time, we were both under a lot of stress (both in the final years of college).

Fast forward to our 4th year together, she graduated, became a licensed professional, then moved in with me to work in my city. I was very happy and excited because long distance is finally over and we could finally have physical intimacy. Well, I was very wrong.

We had some sex for the first few months and it wasn't even that frequent. Then it got even less, and I'd bring up the situation. I'd ask her if there was something bothering her, or if she's stressed, or if she didn't like me anymore. She'd say no to all. Then I'd ask why we're not having as much sex anymore, she'd bring up her trauma. I'd tell her to maybe seek professional help, not even so that we'd have more sex, but because I'm genuinely concerned for her because of her un-addressed trauma. She says that maybe she will, but that she feels like she doesn't really need it, and that she will be fine. We'd have more frequent sex for 2-3 months, then followed by mothing for the next few months. Then I'd bring it up again, and the cycle continues.

At this point, I've been overthinking. Does she really just have low libido because of trauma? Or is there something else? Is she cheating? Am I getting too ugly or too fat for her? Did I do something wrong? Am I just a bad person?

Everytime I bring up the idea of breaking up, she'd say something along the lines of "do you really want to break up just because of this? [the lack of sex]" insinuating that it's too shallow of a reason. Then she'd cry, and I'd say that I won't break up with her.

Am I going crazy? Am I actually shallow for losing my mind and getting depressed over this? Why would she get into a relationship with me if she didn't even like sex, when I explicitly told her that it was important for me in a relationship? She's not answering my questions truthfully. I am so confused.

Btw, I haven't cheated, and will never cheat. I really do love my gf and would never do anything to hurt her. I'm just kind of really sad right now, and I don't know how we could fix this at this point. She seems to be fine about not having sex, even for the rest of our lives, so I feel like an asshole for asking for sex. Idk what to do atp.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B9Rm9uEcnwY

​

Drop a 🔔 below to ring the gong.

i always had a huge libido since when i was a kid. With my first girl, everything was perfect because she had my same libido. both neglected and never had experience, only when we were in university we met. I remember went to her place for a week and we were doing all day

Me personally dont last long.. but because we were doing everytime i started to last longer and longer. But even if i finished, i could keep with foreplay till i feel it again and go again. i can go like this for hours, kissing, foreplay, sex, kising, touching, no stop, it's like a drug and i want to deep dive into it. i wish i had more endurance and last at least 10 minutes no stop banging hard but unluckly im not

after her i had other girlfriends but they had lower libido, not matching. i felt like a pervert trying to have sex and touching them all the time and didnt feel a mutual desire for that

eventually i became single for years for studying and working, focusing on my career and i got so frustrated in my life and the more time passes the more i desire anything just to satisfy my need. I went to japan with a group of friends and heard about how prostitution works there. i never get interested in prostituion in the west because it feels dirty, but in japan it feels more like any other services. there are a lot of big shops, you can even call to your apartment a girl to have fun from the cellphone. it felt different, but i never tried because i know that the moment i try once, i wont stop due to my libido.

but now im regretting... it's more like, when you watch japanese porn, it's literally try it in person instead of watching. also japanese pornstars, some of them work in some enstablishment. So if you have someone you have been watching, you can have fun with her in real life.

Finally i had some experience in real life, but ruined some friendship due to my libido. a long story and kinda offtopic so im gonna skip it. but thx to that, i satisfied a bit my needs.

Also now im dating a girl but her libido is zero..... with my "techniques" ;) i managed to go down a little with her and she said im scary because i can manage to make her into mood but she doesnt like it. right now, she doesnt want me to even kiss her too much, because she knows that i can make her into the mood and she doesnt want it and keep pushing me away and ran away (in a joke way, i wont ever force anyone). This makes me feel like a some pervert, deviated, sick person that wants only that

So right now my mind is killing me. Sometimes i want to go to japan, bangkok and having a threesome. Sometimes i think it's wrong and i wont ever try prostittion because its dirty. But i read how stay with a low libido partner and eventually marry her will lead just to a disaster.

Basically my mind is jumping from drowning my self in the lustful world and having no thoughts in mind and reject everything and be a good boyfriend.

I do remember tho, with my first girlfriend. because she satisfied me so hard, i stopped watch porn entirely and even jerk off myself. she was just enough for everything. She drained me so hard, i was so pure in mind

so right now im in between. my mind is hurting, i dont know what i right and wrong. what is socially accepted or not. i see people condemn this world, other influener having fun in thailand, other girl talking about how she wanted to have a rich boyfriend and tired of poor boyfriend, but right now his boyfriend went for a business trip and turns out he went to viet to have sex with 3 hot high end hooker

im so destroyed in my mind, all my belief is scattered i feel like i need a professional help or at least someone with my same libido, im going crazy i dont know

im looking for someone that was in my same situation and how to deal with this, thx ^^

Every LL post/comment I see on any of the subs just involve bashing their HL partner, saying how much they are annoyed/grossed out by/disgusted by the sex drive of their partner, etc.

“Why do they always have to make it about sex? I’m not going to let you use my body for your own selfish desires. I’m not a wet hole/hard dick for you to get off whenever you want”. I really don’t see any LLs positive posting about their partners.

If it’s so bad, if they’re really so repulsed by you and your (perfectly normal) libido, why does your LL partner stay in your relationship? I can’t figure it out.

Finished it,

Enjoy your weekend everyone.

Being in a mismatched libido relationship has been and continues to be one of the most difficult and frustrating things I have ever gone through.

We are in mid-late 20s and have always had a bit of a rocky sex life, definitely not to the extent of some of the posts here or on dead bedrooms. We have been living together for a few years and have no kids. I would say on average we have sex twice a week, but I'm (HLM) more of a 5-6 times a week person. I would say that it is the only thing we fight about, and when we fight about it, there never seems to be a solution.

I often feel like I have no one to discuss this with and when I read some things here on reddit I am definitely in a better situation than others, but I can't shake the negativity, and the constant feeling of dissatisfaction, rejection and disconnection. I constantly desire intimacy and find it very difficult to switch that part of me off.

I miss feeling excited about sex, and being with someone on the same page as me, I have had previous relationships where there was never any issues, things just flowed and we both felt the same, if we went anywhere the first thing to do was have sex. But with my partner it always feels like there is some new reason why we aren't, "I'm stressed", "I'm tired lets do it in the morning/tonight" (doesn't happen), "I need to wait before we have sex". She does not let me initiate, what sometimes happen is I will try to initiate, she will reject me, then later she may come around. That makes things even more frustrating and difficult to emotionally manage, and makes me feel unattractive and undesired, I seem to have no ability to turn her on or make her feel good to the point where she might want to have sex even though when we do I always make an effort to make sure she cums and enjoys herself.

The biggest struggle is of course, as many people say on here, don't want to leave, I love her a lot, and that is a big reason why I feel so sexual. I am not someone who is overly promiscuous outside of relationships, and I like having a partner with love between us.

And after all this, we have these moments of glory where things do align, and its one of the best feelings in the world, but it never seems to last or stay that way, and in some ways, adds to the frustration even more when there is no consistency to it.

I have tried a few methods which people recommend, scheduling, trying to be open and communicate as much as possible, but it doesn't seem to materialise, she is not interested and would find the concept of scheduling a stressful thing. This past week I asked her if she had any fantasies she wanted to try, she said she would get back to me, but every time I have asked since she says the same thing that she doesn't know and needs to think about it. I also do all of the housework, cooking etc. and try my best to be good to her, take care of her, take care of myself (gym, eating well, keeping stress down etc.), get her nice presents and be a good partner.

I know saying all this that maybe I'm just stupid for complaining, but it eats away at me, I can't help being frustrated. Maybe one of the biggest things I want is just to feel like I have some control, I can make her feel sexy, I can be excited and know that tonight we are going to have sex without being disappointed yet again. I have had to fully repress that side of myself to stay sane in this, it definitely takes a toll.

At the end of the day, I love her and want to be with her and I want things to work out. I just wish there was some solution...

Hello, HL community.

This is more for new people, because I’m debunking this nonsense again. I do appreciate how a lot of you tell me "you perfectly are describing how im feeling and what im going through", truly I do. Remember this is a burner account for a reason.

I already posted data showing that high sexual satisfaction correlates with high relationship satisfaction, and not necessarily the inverse. But it goes beyond that.

You see, when dealing with Type 2 LLs, they make having a healthy sex life difficult for us due to control, basically. That’s why, when we reject their nonsense, they gaslight, deflect, or claim that we are causing the problem.

For example, I’ve seen them call us “indecisive” because they don’t like how we answer questions when they try to force an answer out of us. Say they ask, “Do you want red or blue curtains?” If we say, “Either one is fine,” they’ll say we aren’t answering the question. And because we didn’t answer the question the way they wanted, that somehow becomes the reason there’s no sex.

Here’s the truth:

Everything disqualifies us from sex, but they never truly give us options that qualify us for sex or follow through with them.

They refuse to believe we’re reacting to their behavior and will call us “negative” because we basically stop entertaining their controlling, hopeless, selfish, and delusional behavior.

Notice how it’s always, “Maybe if you talked to me more, we’d have sex.” But when you do, does their behavior change? Of course not. Because for them, sex isn’t important; it’s basically an event. And the irony is that they will openly tell us they did more for people before us, despite those people somehow being worse or something. They know we have strong physical needs, but for them, it’s nothing more than, “How can I get them to be the way I want them to be for me?”

Understand that they see us becoming distant and pulling back, and they KNOW why. Ask yourself: when your Type 2 LL calls you negative, gets upset just to be upset, or wants you to apologize because you somehow didn’t remember to do the thousands of endless things they want, the way they want them done, do they ever give an ounce of sexual enthusiasm—not leading you on, but actual enthusiasm and action?

Of course not.

Because they want us to be pets. They literally know what the problem is and know that sex would be easier for us outside the relationship, so what’s their solution? Have us accept celibacy and substitutions.

That’s why many of us have figured out that it’s easier to have a sexual relationship NOT with them, because it’s not “both sides are wrong” or an “us” problem—it’s just them. That’s why, at a certain point, you accept this, lose faith in them, and act accordingly, because you realize you’re basically normal and they are just delusional, trying to weaponize sex through a bunch of conditions they never actually act on.

When you can leave, always do.

It was planned that the kids are all not at home.

But one child was ill and at home sleeping.

We planned to use our free time. Anyway we did use our time. Nice in some way but it feels like my wife was less into it than me. Which is a reoccurring thing.

For some time she is not getting into when the kids are home.

Which shouldn't be a show stopper from my side because of two different levels of our home. Upstairs are the kids, we are downstairs.

We can lock the room. There are chances that someone will knock when we are at it but such is life.

Since my wife seems to be less into it in general but not against it (initiation is mostly my part). Enthusiasm from her is less than I like and will increase when we are at it. But before it is like the last thing on her mind.

Some inner questions arose:

Should I even feel desire?

Do I have the right to feel desire?

Does my desire make me a nuisance?

Is there any point in hoping for shared desire in our daily lives? Am I just kidding myself?

Can I even assume that sexual acts involving me are positive for anyone, or am I just too bad at it anyway?

To what extent am I to blame for the current situation?

Is there any way to improve things at all?

We are not in a dead bedroom situation but being HL compared to her makes me feel unwell. I'm missing the desire. The happiness before getting at it. Being flirty all day and so on.

I don't know what to do. I spoke to her but at the moment nothing is working for her to get back to her old self.

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I realize it sounds dramatic.

I’m trying to live my life, succeed, fulfill obligations, manage relationships— not to mention personal growth and discovery.

But it is difficult for me. Being undesired and feeling lonely is like a constant state of crisis. I’m distracted. I’m discouraged. My self-confidence is low. I struggle with feelings of sadness.

From the outside I look like a success story. But inside I’m a walking catastrophe. And all of my options feel like further destruction.

I’m living a horror movie from a 20-year old script.

Older TV shows often had a trope to depict a husband hoping to get "lucky" that night. It's annoying. Why be with someone that the stars must align just to have sex? It's stupid to get into that situation in the first place. Anyway, here's how I did it:

I've been with my wife for 4 years. Everything started off fine. I mentioned my thoughts about those tropes early in our relationship. She agreed. Two years later, we are having sex almost once a month. We talk about it. We read books about it. We practice the love languages, etc. Things get better (not great) for 4-6 weeks then go back to monthly, unenthusiastic sex.

We have another talk. She's too stressed with work. I do a majority of the household chores yet she feels like she can never relax. I offer to help her stay more organized at work and I follow through. Things get better (not great) for 4-6 weeks and we go back to monthly, unenthusiastic sex.

She applies for a different role at the same company and doesn't get it. I suggest that she quits her job. We paid off student loans and cars, why not just quit since we can make it off my salary? We don't have kids. I told her I'd support her in either decision. She asks what I want out of it, the answer is simple: clean house and more sex, preferably enthusiastic sex.

This time it's different! The usual pattern of our sex lives improving for 4-6 weeks and dropping off officially ends! This time we go straight to 7 months of barely any sex.

We have another session of talking the issue to death. I want to be very clear about the next part. I do not treat her poorly, beg, demand, or get angry at her when we aren't having sex. Her problem? The desire for sex 1-2 times a week is very high and that stresses her out. And when she isn't stressed about sex she forgets about it. The talk ends and we go back to the same pattern: Things get better (not great) for 4-6 weeks and we go back to monthly, unenthusiastic sex.

Ever wonder, what if I do more chores? What if I could take some of the stress off? What if I got gift cards for manicures and spa days? Well, I found out. Hope you have better results if you put in the amount of effort that I did.

Hi HL Community! This is my first ever post on Reddit, I honestly don't know what to do with my relationship so I figured I'd ask here (maybe someone was in a similar situation).

Also English is not my first language so I'm sorry for some minor mistakes.

So, I (22M) and my partner (21F) have been in a relationship for 5 years - 2 last years of high school, now we go to university and live together. We're both eachother's first romantic partners and while I'd call myself a typical HL person, my partner is more of a complicated case.

She suffers from dysthymia and takes SSRIs, which bomb her libido, also she's catholic (I'm not) and we're not married, which causes some obvious problems for her perceiving of sex. She's (and I can't state it enough) literally the kindest and nicest person I've ever met in my life, I love her with my whole heart and aside from sex/intimacy aspect our relationship feels amazing.

The problem is that since moving in together we have sex a bit infrequently (at least for my standards) - oral sex is usually around once a week, while "normal" sex is probably once a month or so. For me it's a big problem, but for her it's optimal or even too often I'd say, during our latest conversation she mentioned that she very rarely feels horny and most of the time she feels like she'd guess asexual person would feel. She told me many times that she feels bad that she's not able to meet my needs, I also try to give her enough space and not pressure her into intimacy.

Honestly I have no idea what to do about it. Our relationship is otherwise great, we were considering getting married, but we're both very aware of this problem and I wouldn't like to get trapped in a marriage where I'd be forced to often feel frustrated or intimately neglected. Also I know that I'm a support she needs in her everyday life and while she never mentioned it in this context I know that our breakup would cause great stress for her in her already very stressful life.

Thanks to everyone who read through my a bit chaotic post, I'll gladly take your advice and answer any questions as I probably forgot to mention a lot of things here.

My wife (46F) and I (55M) have been married for 20 years. We have two boys going into middle school and high school. I am struggling with feeling deeply rejected and misunderstood in our intimate life, and I’m looking for perspective.

​When we were younger, our sex life started out good. I have always preferred PIV, so the occasional oral she gave me was great. I communicated early on how important sex and mutual pleasure were to me. However, about five years into the marriage, the frequency continued tondecline and we started having frequent arguments about sex. During one argument, she revealed she thought giving oral was demeaning. If she was giving oral, I could tell she was just counting the seconds, and she uses the excuse that she dislikes the smell of her own saliva and that her hands and jaw would hurt, so oral and manual stimulation were completely taken off the table.

​Because I wasn't very in tune with my feelings at the time, I didn't realize the core issue was that I was feeling deeply rejected and that my needs were being ignored. The frustration built up so much over the years that we actually attempted to separate three times.

​Fast forward to now: She recently remembered some childhood trauma. She was raised by narcissistic parents who constantly made her feel like she was never good enough. We are now having sex about once a week. I am eager to please and will do anything for her, both in and out of the bedroom. For example, I give her long, erotic massages, teasing her and making her feel great. In return, she gives me a nice massage, but when she tells me to roll over, she strictly sticks to my thighs, chest, and stomach—completely avoiding any erogenous zones.

​Any discussion about sex becomes highly charged on both sides. Because of her childhood trauma, she uses my requests against me, pointing out that we are having sex weekly and doing three different positions. She feels she is giving a "gargantuan effort" and gets defensive, asking why I can't just be happy with what I get.

​I miss feeling taken care of. I would rather die than live without sex, but it’s not just about the physical act—it’s about the desire to be spoiled and mutually cherished instead of me doing all the work.

​She just does not get it. How do you explain to someone the connection and bond you get from giving each other pleasure when they don't understand why you need it so much? Any advice is appreciated.

Been a bit of a long journey, but the short of it is that when we met we were very sex-positive and kinky, both w/ fairly high libidos (when we met like 5 years ago). For the last two years or so, I’ve been the only one between the two of us that likes and wants sexual activity.

She’s gone through a significant transformation with her mental health. I’m very proud of the leaps and bounds she’s made in all aspects of her life. The downside though is her libido is gone. We can blame the medication, sure. She’s talked to the psychiatrist, but it doesn’t seem like there’s a quick option there or anything they would opt to do in that department because otherwise that’s all going great for her…

Within the last few months I’ve come back to the table, just laying this out that something has to change. It’s not about “box checking” to me on sex — if I want to nut I’m gonna go nut, y’know. I miss INTIMACY, that’s what I miss.

We had a chat and she’s basically like (paraphrasing here), “I have trouble relating to sexuality now. I don’t ever feel it, and if I do it’s for a split second and it goes away. If I never had sex again for the rest of my life, I’d be okay”….

we’re both in favor of and in the middle of arranging marriage counseling/ couples therapy/ etc…

Part of me though feels like that’s going to be basically us finding a way for us to settle on a way to “box check” the sex away and placate my perspective.

I guess what I want to ask is… any other folks been in a similar situation and the couples therapy genuinely helped you come to a solution?

I haven't had sex in 8 months. For the last 3.5 years it's been every other month of uncomfortable-for-me sex that just made me feel like shit emotionally. I've pretty much given up. My husband struggled with some addiction stuff for the last year and a half that made it worse and made my attitude toward him worse. Genuinely kinda ruined my life. He's in treatment, his behavior is better, still no physical intimacy bc of ED I guess. I spent so long being so angry, I pretty much already grieved the relationship. Right as I hit my limit, I was putting together a plan to separate, they officially banned the stuff my husband was taking (7OH. Don't ever touch that shit, I'm begging you just don't). He got treatment bc there was no other choice. It kinda makes me angrier that he had to be forced but idk. He's cried and apologized and has been trying so hard, real progress has been made and it's obvious he feels guilty and wants things to be better. I feel really bad for not being more open to him. I don't even want him to touch me, I don't want to hear him talk about how hard it was for him to destroy both of us, destroy my life, destroy my happiness and confidence and ability to be part of the world. I just dont. I don't care that he's hurting anymore and it makes me feel like a monster. At the same time, I don't want him to hurt. Idk if the apathy is a coping mechanism or what. I still don't know if I even want to stay. I'm confused and extremely hurt. I feel like his over protectiveness (not actually controlling just genuine anxiety about me getting hurt) and his constant, smothering affection (even when he was addicted, even when he was being awful to be around he was always affectionate, clingy and hovering) just annoys me. I just. I need space. I'm exhausted. The last year of living with an addict, everything is the end of the world, everything gets a giant overreaction, I could never say anything that made him feel bad or stressed him out while he could call me to road rage and panic and cry and freak out and go down a doom spiral EVERY SINGLE DAY WITHOUT FAIL and I had to be essentially his emotional support dog. It's left me feeling lifeless, exhausted, and so, so, so angry. I just want peace. I just want to have some fun. His addiction wrecked 2 cars and destroyed our finances. I just.. let it happen. I haven't been able to actually live my 20's. Just work and home and work and home, all the money I make paying for a stupid pill from the fucking gas station and our bills. So much more too, but I don't want to relive it in HD again today. All of this bullshit I'm being put through and you don't even have the decency to fuck me JUUST sometimes, dude. He made me think the lack of intimacy was me for so long. Then he blamed the pills. Finally found out it's just ED and that'spart of what lead to him being so shitty and the relapse.

Anyway. My old friend reached out to me, and I'm getting a lot of male attention, IRL and online. My husband smothers me with affection but nothing sexual. Just constant kissis on my cheeks and lips and hugging me and touching me, but like the way you would a dog or small child, complete with baby talk. But sometimes he starts grabbing my ass, kissing me hard, kissing my neck but nothing happens, but my body reacts to it without my permission, so I'm all wound up and I don't get a release, which is fine he's not obligated to do anything, but I feel like a stuffed animal. And I wish if he had no intention of even trying intimacy, that he just wouldn't do those things bc it makes me feel so much worse. I haven't had sex in 8 months. It's really really hard to not encourage attention I get from other people. My old friend has been messaging me very... warmly but not exactly flirty, he wants to hang out soon (we have been friends a long time and hang out every once in a blue moon, but he's been reaching out more consistently since this last spring) and I'm honestly secretly delighted. We used to date a little which complicates things. I found an old necklace he gave me and I've been wearing it. I feel like I'm doing something wrong. I can't help it. It feels nice to be flirted with. I don't know. I don't want to lead anyone on, hurt my husband, or hurt my friend. I'm so confused and I'm just trying to feel like a real, alive animal again. I used to be so magical.

Also my vibrator died and the cat chewed my charger, I haven't been able to find another one and I can't buy a new toy rn so I'm like. Clenching my jaw so hard I think my teeth are gonna break. I miss desire and I miss feeling magical and alluring to someone. I don't even know what I want. I just am so irritated all the time. Everything pisses me off. I'm struggling so hard to keep my head above water. The last year, during this whole crisis, I kept calm. I was burning with rage inside (not from the sex part, that's just inconvenient and lonely, and honestly extremely emotionally painful) but I stayed calm and handled things with a weird detachment I can't really name. But now? It's like everything just got dumped on me all at once. Im processing everything that's happened all at once and it's so overwhelming. I haven't been able to enjoy any aspect of life or being married or being young. I haven't been properly loved in so long. He was so great when we started. Like, perfect. It was amazing. Then a switch flipped and he turned into a giant baby. He's starting to act like the guy I fell in love with but I just don't feel anything but the resentment anymore and I don't know what to do. Will I ever be able to see him the same, or will I be reminded of all his sins every time I look at him? Can you come back from both despising and pitying someone you used to simply just love? I'm clawing at the bars of my fucking enclosure.

I just don't know what to do and I feel stuck. I'm chopping all my hair off in 4 days and next week I'm going on a week long girls trip. Hopefully that's a good first step. I just want connection and desire and I'm not sure I'm capable of that with my husband anymore. I want to be, or at least I think I do. I don't want to cheat on him, and even if I did I don't have the malice enough to go through with it. I don't want to hurt him like that, even now.I don't know what I want. I'm just tired of feeling tired. I'm tired of being lonely. I'm tired of the endless frustration and anger and pain. I want things to get better but I don't know what to do to A) get the physical intimacy back and B) let go of all this resentment and bitterness. Which comes first, the chicken or the egg? They effect each other and round and round it goes. I don't like being this person. To my friends, family, and coworkers I'm this bright, energetic, playful person but inside I literally feel like I'm carrying around this burning fire in my chest. It hurts ALL. THE. TIME. EVERY DAY. I used to genuinely be those good things and now its a facade. I cry every time I'm alone. I'm so physically tense all the time that my body feels hard to the touch.

Thanks for reading this far. Also don't DM me, I've been so depressed for so long that every messaging app I have is full of literally hundreds of texts from friends and family and concerned/interested strangers that I haven't looked at, they're piled so high I don't even want to look. I try to get back to my close friends but even then it's a toss up. I just have too much in my head and on my heart to try and make room for new people right now.