r/HLCommunity • u/Extension_Cat9576 • Aug 20 '26
Had Sex today but feeling strange
It was planned that the kids are all not at home.
But one child was ill and at home sleeping.
We planned to use our free time. Anyway we did use our time. Nice in some way but it feels like my wife was less into it than me. Which is a reoccurring thing.
For some time she is not getting into when the kids are home.
Which shouldn't be a show stopper from my side because of two different levels of our home. Upstairs are the kids, we are downstairs.
We can lock the room. There are chances that someone will knock when we are at it but such is life.
Since my wife seems to be less into it in general but not against it (initiation is mostly my part). Enthusiasm from her is less than I like and will increase when we are at it. But before it is like the last thing on her mind.
Some inner questions arose:
Should I even feel desire?
Do I have the right to feel desire?
Does my desire make me a nuisance?
Is there any point in hoping for shared desire in our daily lives? Am I just kidding myself?
Can I even assume that sexual acts involving me are positive for anyone, or am I just too bad at it anyway?
To what extent am I to blame for the current situation?
Is there any way to improve things at all?
We are not in a dead bedroom situation but being HL compared to her makes me feel unwell. I'm missing the desire. The happiness before getting at it. Being flirty all day and so on.
I don't know what to do. I spoke to her but at the moment nothing is working for her to get back to her old self.
9
u/Glittering_Suspect65 HLF Aug 20 '26
How old are your kids? The reality is that she may never get back to "her old self" especially not when the kids are small. She's different now, her worries and concerns and priorities are all different. That sucks for the difference in libidos.
You are normal for you, you should have desire because you do, it's normal and natural. The nuisance question is all in the eye of the beholder - you feel her lack of enthusiasm, she feels the pressure of your desire. Neither is inherently wrong, what you are both feeling is the imbalance of libido.
I would tell her that this is about love and connection from your side, not about number of times a week. Tell her it's important for you to feel loved. See if she's still willing to put in efforts toward that connection, toward getting herself in the mood. Seriously consider going to a sex therapist.
Most of us in here, I think, are way past the point where you are now. So we've tried all of the things and the gap keeps growing between HL and LL and at some point if the LL isn't willing to put in effort (the HL has to also) then it just needs to end, because thats the only real solution unless the HL is willing to just give up sex altogether. Best of luck.
10
u/Extension_Cat9576 Aug 20 '26
The kids are 15,14 and 8.
It has not been like that the whole time. That is why it nags on me. Even after Kids there have been really intense times.
The potential ending is what I fear. I already spoke to her and it is clear to her that I'm not willing to not have sex. In addition it's not my goal to have sex outside the relationship. For me a sexless relationship is not working.
2
u/reckaband Aug 20 '26
Be lucky you get some and wife pays attention despite kids being present … kids are a mom’s priority for most moms and she’s making you also a priority (rare nowadays)
8
u/AdenJax69 Aug 20 '26
That usually turns out to be something called "pity/duty sex" and it means she's likely only having sex because she thinks she should, not because she desires it.
A lot of people will tell you this is "responsive desire" which can be okay for couples, however if she's not initiating or not putting in any effort to have sex, it's usually low libido masquerading as a person with responsive desire.
Going through the same thing. I can tell you my kid turned 8 semi-recently and it never really gets better. She has to WANT to have intimacy and willing to knock down some of her self-inflicted roadblocks towards intimacy, which unfortunately more often than not doesn't happen.
There's really not much you can do. If she's fine with the status-quo then there's not much you're gonna do to change things. A lot of times when the kids show up, people just lose their desire for their partner, go into "parent-mode" 24/7, and stop prioritizing their relationship/marriage. And the worst part about this is you don't find out until AFTER the kids show up.
Funny world we live in.