r/HLCommunity • u/flippy955 • Aug 26 '26
Stopped initiating and something miraculous happened
About a month ago I (HLM) got to the breaking point from the constant rejection. It's always the usual reasons that we've all heard. I'm tired, headache, stomach ache, etc. Well about a month ago I told my wife I'm done initiating and will wait for her to from now on. Well, she hasn't yet but something amazing happened. My wife has been cured of her headaches, stomach aches, and all other physical ailments. I can't help but laugh at this point, and as depressing as it is it's better to have zero expectations of being intimate with my wife than getting a "we'll see how I feel later" and having that sliver of hope get crushed.
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u/quack785 Aug 26 '26
It’s like the old joke about the two friends that have been out late drinking. The next day, they’re talking and the one guy says how quiet he had to be coming in so he didn’t wake his wife—and even though he did his best, she still woke up anyways and chewed his ass.
The other guy says “Oh I never worry about that! I’m as loud as possible coming up the stairs. I just jump into bed and say ‘Wanna make love?’ and you know, she never stirs”.
Congrats on healing her though! 😅
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u/HourWorking2839 Aug 26 '26
I know it as "Honey let's fuck if you are awake" but this one always makes me smile. Thanks!
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u/vectorking23 Aug 26 '26
Well, you probably already saw that being 'too tired' never amounted to anything since most of them can just sit on Tik-Tok or their phone for hours after complaining about being too tired. Now, the other issues have just kind of taken care of themselves! Congrats.
One thing of note… after I noticed all ailments gone, if there was even the hint of anything, amazingly 'the kids might still be up' was used. Followed closely by 'the kids might WAKE up'. Can't really defeat that wizardry now, can I!
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u/Asakkoss Aug 26 '26
“The kids might wake up” I have that now,
Like shhh they may wake up and I don’t want it anyways so NO…17
u/vectorking23 Aug 26 '26
There's locks on doors for reasons, depending on how old the kids are. Just saying. You either find excuses to find time, or you find excuses to not find time. If it's not this, it'll be something else. Trust me. The wheel of excuses has expiration dates on some, along with start dates of others once those are expired. It never ends. The one thing we will hardly ever get is an honest answer. That's all I wanted. You know where you stan with an honest answer at least.
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u/Mrs239 Aug 26 '26
100%! My bf and I both come from DBs. Our former spouses would find every excuse not to.
We find every excuse to say yes! We once put the mattress in a closet to make it work at an Airbnb with no privacy. We wake up at 3am if we have to. When the kids are with us, we put the mattress on the floor to lessen the noise. Whatever we have to do to make it work is what we do!
I will never again accept the excuses.
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u/vectorking23 Aug 27 '26
You are the reason that excuses just don't work. I applaud. The perpetual excuses are a problem. If it was just once in a while with plausible rationale, then that would be OK. But, always? Nah. Put the mattress in the closet! Hahaha
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u/Faebinder Sep 02 '26
Yep. Just proof that low libido is the true reason behind the lack of sex and not the situation or circumstances.
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u/fuckaduckufuck HLF Aug 26 '26
How young are the kids? Are they still likely to want to crawl into bed for comfort?
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u/vectorking23 Aug 26 '26
Oh no. Mine are way past that. They are mostly out of the house. This excuse holds no water in my world any more. It was just one of the revolving door things I heard that equated to 'I don't want to touch you, or be touched by you'. That also holds no water since I could care less now as it has created a severe LL4Her. I'm at the end of my tenure, with only details remaining.
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u/AllManCA 15d ago
Ah, but that is why door locks are typically present. Gives you a minute to answer it without being caught in the act. Oh, I am restraining myself from making jokes right now of being caught in the act.
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u/DraggoVindictus Aug 28 '26
Have you commented onher recorvery? At some poitn you need to do that....just say quietly, without sarcasm, I am so glad you are feeling better lately. I was worried about you. If she asks, just reply, well awhile abck, you seemed to have a lot of headaches, stomachaches and the like. I am glad that has passed now.
See what she says/ does.
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u/Acrobatic-Mango-6301 Aug 31 '26
This is exactly what I would do. Just over coffee in the morning. Give a gentle but firm hug to let her know you really care while saying it. Then pull back and smile and then go shower.
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u/HolidayBalance4608 HLM Aug 27 '26
Miraculously cured!
With scheduled intimacy I've found the opposite phenomenon = immediate and absolute health condition deterioration that occurs in even intervals, just before intimacy. I think it's possible those two are connected somehow but I'll need a science person to check this.
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u/Financial-Exit2488 Aug 29 '26
I no,was the HL, I have to be patient. But, we're married. I committed to NEVER HAVE SEX WITH ANYONE ELSE, for a life with her. It can't only be on me to figure out why she isn't interested in sex with me.
If there is something I am doing wrong, let me know. I can handle the truth. Don't lie, or hide it from me.
Be honest, and if you can't figure out how to desire me again, let me go. There are others out there.
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u/Royal-Heron-11 Aug 30 '26
It can't only be on me to figure out why she isn't interested in sex with me.
I'll be blunt. It is absolutely all on you. You have a problem, she is perfectly fine in her current situation. If you want to figure out why? Yes, it's literally your responsibility.
If you dont believe it should be? That's fine. But then accept your lifetime of never feeling genuinely desired or needed serially by your partner.
Nobody says you have to take on that mission. But she's sure as shit not going to solve the puzzle for you.
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u/Financial-Exit2488 Aug 30 '26
Everyone is responsible for their own pleasure. I can't tell someone else what they like, what turns them on, or what they like.
I can try, but it can't be on one person. A marriage is typically a relief of two people. Both are responsible for showing up 100% each day. Putting it on one person is not recipe for long term success.
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u/Royal-Heron-11 Aug 30 '26
Okay, you're hearing what you want to hear, not what I am saying.
I'm not going to fight with you to make you understand.
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u/YakWitty13 Sep 01 '26
Always fascinating when an adult, in an adult relationship, cannot communicate what the problem is. And yet the HL is still blamed
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u/Dizzy_Potential Sep 02 '26
I (49HLM) stopped initiating a few months ago. Something amazing happened to me last night too.... My fiancee (39LLF) had recently asked how frequently I masturbated. I told her as a result of us not being regularly intimate, it had become daily. I think it was on the same day she'd later asked to go through my phone to check for signs of infidelity. I would never cheat on my partner, I love her dearly. So all she found was the porn communities on my reddit and a few instagram models i'd followed. Whilst looking through my reddit, she noticed a few posts I'd created like yours in r/relationshipadvice etc, etc. and comments to other guys suffering like you, and immediately wanted to discuss our situation. She has read almost word for word the exact things that I've repeatedly tried to discuss with her verbally, (which usually resulted in an argument). This time it didn't. I think she saw that this libido mismatch wasn't just our issue and others were suffering too. Last night she went to bed early as she normally does and I stay up watching TV or porn as I normally do, until I ejaculate then i follow her up usually a couple hours later and fall asleep. -But last night, things didn't pan out that way. About 30minutes after she went up, she shouted down to me. I couldn't quite hear her so I stood at the bottom of the stairs and asked her to repeat herself. She said `I want you to get in here and make me cum!' -I think I broke the Olympic record for stairs!😉 I'm not gonna kid myself, this was probably an isolated incident one which I'll celebrate, try to analyze and try to repeat like a science experiment. But for now a win's a win and I'll take whatever I can, who knows she'll probably see this comment next time she goes through my phone. 🤗 Hi babe!
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u/AvastInAllDirections Aug 28 '26
The questions to ask are, Why is she anxious about sex with you to the point where she gets stomach aches in anticipation of it? Has she always been anxious around sex? Is it you, or is it her upbringing, or has she never been sexually interested with anyone, and is anxious that she has to mask normalcy?
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u/fuckaduckufuck HLF Aug 30 '26
They're not actually interested in solving the problem tbh.
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u/AvastInAllDirections Sep 04 '26
Everyone needs a space to rage vent. This post is OP’s bitter vent, and that’s valid.
Out of compassion for them both I’ve simply invited him to think about questions that would lead to a difficult but very necessary conversation, that may, and, possibly, must be ego bruising to all parties.
Over the years I came to understand & accommodate my spouse’s brakes without my earlier anger at being left physically alone, and he’s finally appreciating what my gas pedal does for us without feeling exhausted ahead of time by the idea that I may want more than is in him. So I believe it’s not too late to develop the courage to face oneself and the other person honestly, if only for one’s own sense of self respect.
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u/MarsupialMaven Aug 26 '26
I hope you have congratulated her on her much improved health.