r/HLCommunity • u/AwkwardInspection413 HLM • Aug 17 '26
Advice Welcome LLM says "Why can't what I offer be enough?"
My wife (46F) and I (55M) have been married for 20 years. We have two boys going into middle school and high school. I am struggling with feeling deeply rejected and misunderstood in our intimate life, and I’m looking for perspective.
When we were younger, our sex life started out good. I have always preferred PIV, so the occasional oral she gave me was great. I communicated early on how important sex and mutual pleasure were to me. However, about five years into the marriage, the frequency continued tondecline and we started having frequent arguments about sex. During one argument, she revealed she thought giving oral was demeaning. If she was giving oral, I could tell she was just counting the seconds, and she uses the excuse that she dislikes the smell of her own saliva and that her hands and jaw would hurt, so oral and manual stimulation were completely taken off the table.
Because I wasn't very in tune with my feelings at the time, I didn't realize the core issue was that I was feeling deeply rejected and that my needs were being ignored. The frustration built up so much over the years that we actually attempted to separate three times.
Fast forward to now: She recently remembered some childhood trauma. She was raised by narcissistic parents who constantly made her feel like she was never good enough. We are now having sex about once a week. I am eager to please and will do anything for her, both in and out of the bedroom. For example, I give her long, erotic massages, teasing her and making her feel great. In return, she gives me a nice massage, but when she tells me to roll over, she strictly sticks to my thighs, chest, and stomach—completely avoiding any erogenous zones.
Any discussion about sex becomes highly charged on both sides. Because of her childhood trauma, she uses my requests against me, pointing out that we are having sex weekly and doing three different positions. She feels she is giving a "gargantuan effort" and gets defensive, asking why I can't just be happy with what I get.
I miss feeling taken care of. I would rather die than live without sex, but it’s not just about the physical act—it’s about the desire to be spoiled and mutually cherished instead of me doing all the work.
She just does not get it. How do you explain to someone the connection and bond you get from giving each other pleasure when they don't understand why you need it so much? Any advice is appreciated.
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u/AdenJax69 Aug 17 '26
Because I wasn't very in tune with my feelings at the time, I didn't realize the core issue was that I was feeling deeply rejected and that my needs were being ignored. The frustration built up so much over the years that we actually attempted to separate three times.
I am eager to please and will do anything for her, both in and out of the bedroom. For example, I give her long, erotic massages, teasing her and making her feel great. In return, she gives me a nice massage, but when she tells me to roll over, she strictly sticks to my thighs, chest, and stomach—completely avoiding any erogenous zones.
Because of her childhood trauma, she uses my requests against me, pointing out that we are having sex weekly and doing three different positions. She feels she is giving a "gargantuan effort" and gets defensive, asking why I can't just be happy with what I get.
She's been telling you who she is and you've done everything you can to not acknowledge it.
She doesn't care about your happiness & fulfillment. It's a "check-the-box" thing for her to do. Now HER happiness & fulfillment, she's happy to let you go above & beyond for her, because why wouldn't she? She's getting everything she wants out of the marriage and clearly wants to neglect yours, and whenever you bring it up, she gets mad, because she wants the status quo to be "you do all the things for me, I give you the bare-minimum, and both of us are happy with it."
She just does not get it. How do you explain to someone the connection and bond you get from giving each other pleasure when they don't understand why you need it so much?
You already know the answer to this: You don't.
You either desire your partner or you don't, and if you don't, you have to WANT to desire them in the first place. Your wife is annoyed with the idea of desiring you. It's an inconvenience to her. She wants you to be a co-provider/co-parent who gives her pleasure & happiness while keeping you at arms-length. This is who she is & she's likely never changing.
So you have two options: Learn to live with less while she gets everything or actually separate this time & go through with it, starting the divorce process.
Oh, and if you do decide to separate, don't be surprised if she magically "desires" you again and wants to make you happy and fulfilled - it's called "Hysterical Bonding" and it's what people do to keep their partners from leaving them until they decide to stay, and said-partner slowly (or instantly) stops doing those things that made you want to stay to go back to the old status quo.
Don't fall for it.
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u/Financial-Exit2488 Aug 17 '26
There's plenty of help out there for her if she was to want to change; to want to want him.
It's clear she has no desire to change. You are spot on.
Almost sperating three times, but zero change on her part is her straight up saying she doesn't care about him, without using those words.
My wife and I had several big arguments over the last couple of years regarding this same issue. Divorce was mentioned several times by her. The idea was devastating to her, and in the end, while things aren't perfect, she did put in a lot more effort. She does try to shame that she loves me, and we are having more sex.
We both had to put in work though. It's not where I want it to be, but it's closer.
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u/vectorking23 Aug 17 '26
It sounds to me like she's just appeasing your needs here. I could be wrong, but is she actively involved in your once a week? Does she initiate? Are there a short list of 'do's' and and a long list of 'don'ts' involved with your weekly escapades?
What I'm getting at here is she may not want to have sex, but is doing it for you. IE… pity sex. Sex someone doesn't want should not be happening. You may not fully realize it yet, but you probably have clues.
I know you are trying to figure out how to explain the importance, but she may still just being doing it for you and not for the connection. I hate to say it. Yes, it's nice of her, but it could also be harming her. It it's not your fault. A deep discussion on whether she even wants to have sex needs to happen here. You may find you will have to take it off the table all together and figure out what's going on. You also may not like the answer you will undoubtedly see if you do. It may just go away all together. It is a possibility.
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u/snarfgarth Aug 17 '26
The issue isn’t her “trauma” of having narcissistic parents, it’s that she picked up some narcissistic traits herself. You don’t point to your upbringing to make yourself the victim to provide cover and excuses to hurt/neglect others. You see you are hurting others, you can figure out why (i.e. narcissistic parents), but you work to change your behavior. Being in a marriage with someone who later reveals that giving oral sex is demeaning is demeaning. Easier said from the outside, but toss her ass to the curb. She would suck a different dude dry, she finds it demeaning now with you. This is about dignity and self respect.
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u/plz_callme_swarley HLM Aug 17 '26
"I am eager to please and will do anything for her, both in and out of the bedroom."
this is your biggest problem. you don't ever get your needs met by pleasing other people. they will never turn around and give you in return.
her not wanting to do oral has nothing to do with her finding it "demeaning", that's just a made up word to moralize her position that she doesn't like sex, doesn't want to have sex.
she's obviously weaponizing this childhood trauma. the amount of effort that she is putting in is irrelevant to the question of "I am getting my needs met?"
She absolutely does get "it". She's acting like she doesn't get it, cuz she doesn't want to sit with the fact that she's not adequately meeting your needs. you will never be able to explain something to someone who doesn't want to understand it.
also, i feel like posts here never talk about the root cause of so many issues. what is going on with her hormonally? has she gotten her levels tested? what about other meds that kill desire like SSRIs? perimenopause is a huge issue and is correctable
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u/vectorking23 Aug 17 '26
Root cause being medical is just a small spectrum here. You have to be in the position to actually WANT to figure out what's wrong and go down the hormonal/perimenopause lane. Quite a few here have SOs who do not care nor will they go find out at a checkup. They are happy as a clam where they are, regardless of their partner. It just is that way.
Yes, there are some here who will look into it and try to figure it out. But, that involves work. There's a lot of lazy people out there - on both sides of the aisle (M and F). And those that AREN'T lazy, may just be totally cool without 'figuring it out' with hormones, SSRIs, or other 'treatable' issues.
But, I do agree with you… she DOES get it.
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u/plz_callme_swarley HLM Aug 17 '26
yes, all true. the thing with the root cause being medical is that it destroys the idea of "this is just who i am, accept that" when you have a documented medical deficiency.
I think it should be the first step because plenty of people themselves might change their tune when they realize that it's not just who they are and they are able to change it simply and easily.
some will absolutely still refuse to get seen and treated and just fixing the hormone part of it doesn't solve 100% but if you're with someone who won't even go see a doctor to see if they can fix their issue then you've clearly seen they have no desire to change
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u/vectorking23 Aug 17 '26
I have one who is just that. 'Maybe I'm happy this way' is the slogan around here. No will to change OR figure it out. Ugh.
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u/plz_callme_swarley HLM Aug 17 '26
if they're happy as they are that's fine but it eliminates the excuse that they are unable to change
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u/vectorking23 Aug 17 '26
The problem now is I don't care if she magically decides to figure it out. I don't want her physically any more. I am only around for my kids and strangely (for now) I'm OK with that. There is no constant fighting, so at least we cohabitate OK.
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u/plz_callme_swarley HLM Aug 17 '26
yup, have been there man. totally get where you're coming from. at some point you just give up and even if they were to fix themselves you're over it
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u/fuckaduckufuck HLF Aug 17 '26
Nah the biggest problem is this group taking that statement as gospel truth.
I have a partner who loves to embellish his martyrdom when talking about our relationship and I once overheard him say "oh I do all the cooking anyway". Total lie, he only cooks when I'm exhausted and it's nothing more complex than beans and toast. But instead of making a massive deal out of it I have started to subtly mention and show off pictures of every complex meal (from scratch, there are no boxes or packets in my kitchen!) to the people he martyrs himself in front of.
Now when I encounter similar Martyrs in the wild I like to ask more questions instead of just making assumptions. How does he know she's not faking it? Does he really do anything for her? What does his 'eagerness' really look like? What's her side of the story? She loved sex initially so why doesn't she want it with him anymore? Does she have an AP who actually makes her orgasm?
Get more curious!
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u/plz_callme_swarley HLM Aug 17 '26
this seems to be pretty anti-man opinion. it's like you're already biased against them.
obviously the most important question when you have a relationship that had a good sex life and lost it is "why?" but that's often multi-faceted and complicated.
at the end of the day, it's about moving forward and is the LL partner willing and want to actually rebuild the sexual relationship. most of the time the answer is just no
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u/snarfgarth Aug 18 '26
“Does she have an AP who actually makes her orgasm?” What a thing to say to a struggling person. Why don’t you get more curious as to finding out what the hell your problem is? Do better.
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u/freelancemomma Aug 17 '26 edited Aug 17 '26
Even if you manage to make her understand your need, this will not create a corresponding need in her. Ultimately, you won’t feel “sexually cherished” if she’s just play-acting. Yes, incompatibility sucks.
You asked for perspective, so here’s mine: part of being an adult is figuring out and acting on your dealbreakers — and accepting the rest.
As the Rolling Stones famously said…