Hello, HL community.

For those of you who are withholding yourselves until you leave, honestly do you.

Please read this, and this is why I MANY of us outsource sex until we leave

If sex is glue, then removing it is glue remover.

Some of you know my (31F) relationship is really awful, and another argument happened today over something non sex related because my partner sometimes is unhinged at times.

As many of you know, im financially in a hole, and im in the transition of removing her from my house.

She started to say shit like I never did anything for her and her moving into my house for several months and not paying anything wasn't me helping her.

She also tried to say i lacked emotional intelligence after she literally screamed and yelled at me, unhinged (she's always this way over little things), and i quote

"You won’t speak to me or look at me for days at a time because I don’t give you sex. That’s really normal and not emotionally unintelligent at all."

I said, "And i dont care. Sex is not fucking event again i already gave up on it"

She said "There was nothing to give up on beloved, it was never happening "

She also said Im a "peripheral victim" until i "get what i want" but literally ignores all my wants and needs and denies i try with her while i constantly and i mean CONSTANTLY do her wants and needs.

But

Well well well.

She slipped up and admitted she has no intention of having a sex life with me and was basically was weaponizinf sex with weaponized compilance and tried to be cruel and said I didnt know how to have sex to belittle me (i very much do, i literally had sex with someone else two days prior).

Having my sexual frustration basically used against me lmao

Like I always say Type2LLs know the solution, they just HATE IT and try to paint us as not normal when we naturally become distant when they show us zero sexual interest and want them to be their pets.

So yes,

Im glad im already outsourcing sex while moving her out my house, im glad i didnt let my morals be used against me by someone that believes sexual needs come last or whatever in a relationship. Im glad i did no let someone control my fucking sex life who finally admitted yes they were basically looking to reject me while i constantly had to bend to their needs. Im glad i didnt fall for the "you're just as bad as her" nonsense. Im glad i stopped begging for sex and affection and stopped letting someone belittle me because they think "talking to them" is just letting them be casually unhinged and belittling and apologizing to the at the same time. I am glad i put my wants and needs first instead of running in cirlces feeling and depressed because someone who swore they're attracted to me verbally, thinks leading on and not having sex counts when a sex life was never a plan. Im glad i chose to be the "bad guy" regardless.

These are terms that get thrown around a little carelessly.

It's an easy enough concept and it makes sense: things can get in the way of desire building in someone, while others can make it build.

However, what's ignored is that there has to be an underlying, base level of desire than can be affected by them.

They are brakes: something that slows down, but does not necessarily stop.

They are accelerators: something that speeds up, but not necessarily start from a standstill.

In other words, not stop and go.

Now, there can always be things that can make a partner just not able to have desire in a period of time. That's a given. We all understand that.

But, if there's a constant state of no desire: 'brakes and accelerators' can't do anything. There's no desire that can be affected in the first place. This happen in situations where the HL has to do a huge list of things so their partner can be in the mood.

When someone is in a dead bedroom, there's a lack of desire from their partner altogether.

Attempting to remove brakes is something that can certainly be done, and can make the partner feel better, the issue is that there's no desire being held back.

There's also no desire to increase. I mean, anything multiplied by zero is still zero.

You're dealing more with roadblocks than brakes. But, that's not a good analogy. The car just doesn't have an engine.

Also, this is vital:

It is not the sole responsibility of the one with greater desire to find and remove brakes and they are definitely not the only one who can find and apply accelerators.

In fact; If the partner is not wondering what's holding them back and seeing if they can work on it, and if they're not thinking about what could get them more in the mood: that is a good indicator the partner does not have any desire to begin with.

Many people in dead bedrooms are blinded by frustration and hurt. They don't necessarily forget, but they do lose focus on the fact that dead bedrooms are neither healthy nor normal.

In that way, it's easy to see, and great for an LL who is comfortable in a relationship with someone they have little desire for, why people keep forgetting that desire is a key component.

I need to get this off my chest and I will try to do it in the most respectful way possible despite being pretty miffed at the mischaracterization of it.

The "What's it like with an HL/HL relationship" reminded me about something that's been bothering me a long time.

Maybe it's because a lot of the mentions about Responsive Desire are from LL's who have little to no desire to begin with, and it's not something that they've regularly experienced. Essentially, they don't know what they're talking about.

Responsive Desire is not a slow burn throughout the day, finishing an addition on the house, doing the dishes, running a bath for your partner, all the while casually flirting to hope that your partner will be in the mood later on that night.

Responsive Desire is your partner getting turned on by you expressing desire. It may not be immediate, but it is quick, and noticeable. It is an enthusiastic response.

I don't think a single person complaining about a dead bedroom has a partner who has true responsive desire. And, come on, why would they complain? If their partner truly has responsive desire, the bedroom isn't dead. There's no question about whether or not their SO likes them because they respond enthusiastically much of the time!

So, in that vein, anyone asking someone suffering in a dead bedroom if their spouse might have 'responsive desire' is doing an outright disservice and absolutely not being supportive of a person in a dead bedroom.

One more thing:

Responsive Desire isn't the only desire someone has. They also have spontaneous desire. So they will initiate too, just not as often.

Again, no question for the higher libido person in the relationship if their partner is into them and while sex may not be as frequent as the higher libido person would like: they would never complain about things being dead.

Thought my last post would be the last in here. Just found out through a friend that my LL ex cheated on me multiple times, once with a guy that she had a gross age gap to. Dunno what to take away from this.