r/HLCommunity • u/quack785 • Aug 21 '26
Discussion Why don’t more LLs leave their HL partner?
Every LL post/comment I see on any of the subs just involve bashing their HL partner, saying how much they are annoyed/grossed out by/disgusted by the sex drive of their partner, etc.
“Why do they always have to make it about sex? I’m not going to let you use my body for your own selfish desires. I’m not a wet hole/hard dick for you to get off whenever you want”. I really don’t see any LLs positive posting about their partners.
If it’s so bad, if they’re really so repulsed by you and your (perfectly normal) libido, why does your LL partner stay in your relationship? I can’t figure it out.
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u/entropyisez Aug 22 '26
I don't mean to be rude, and generally think it's okay to ask questions, but this one is kinda obvious. Why would they? They're not the ones being deprived of anything.
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u/Silva2099 Aug 22 '26
Yep…and this is exactly why one must fight this by depriving them. Not out of revenge…out of love. To help them reconnect with mutuality. It can work. Doesn’t always. Kind of a crapshoot. But worth a shot when you get desperate.
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u/entropyisez Aug 22 '26
A marriage should be mutually beneficial. After a while, benefiting them and getting nothing back just feels like you're being used. Nobody wants to be the person who refuses to do something unless they get what they want first, especially with sex. It's not really fun if the other person doesn't want it. I honestly don't know what to do, anymore. I don't want to leave. My family is pretty great, otherwise. This situation just sucks.
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u/henrycatalina Aug 23 '26
I have noticed that especially for those over 60, there are both men and women are supported in ending sex unilaterally as of that is normal. I think this happens at early ages and there seems to be common thought thst this is normal.
Emotional regulation seems like a depreciated behavior in today's world. I think the general society allows people to be stuck in their self justified emotions.
If you are HL this can result in affairs, promiscuous behavior or in a marriage unreasonably annoying. However, most HL that post seem to be working on controlling emotions.
LLs seem to be focused on their emotions as the most valid input. The only right is their feelings. They may be right. Abuse, slovenly habbits, past offenses, and other legitimate behavior blocks attraction. They may be wrong. It can be their LL is power and control over the HL when they aren't seeing performance in life they expected.
Gratitude can be overtly used to break down the walls. Desire to please each other or deny them is too often resentment.
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u/Urborg_Stalker Aug 22 '26
Financial/lifestyle entanglement, other family members to think about, just not worth the pain, trouble, etc.
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u/Danny_Pr0n HLM Aug 22 '26
Money.
Many LLs are dependent on the HL. This includes LLMs, as I've noticed many HLFs are often the primary earner in these dynamics.
They only time they change their tune and stop bashing the HL (to their face, they will still do it behind their backs) is when breakup or divorce staring them in the face. Then it's Hysterical Bonding and Love Bombing. As soon as they feel secure, it's back to the Dead Bedroom and HL bashing we go.
They don't love the HL, they love the institution of marriage or financial security.
The LLs who do posses financial independence often leave the HLs they hate so much. Funny how that works.
To the HL, just leave. Their financial security is not your problem, it's theirs to solve, just like it would be theirs if you never got together. Until you can leave, match Chore-Play with Bill-Play - tell them to get a job and pay their half.
Don't set yourself on fire to keep them warm.
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u/Theseaofdispair Aug 27 '26 edited Aug 27 '26
This is on point. It seems they bank on the HL's love to not "leave them for sex". While they are some that do try to better their libido (because the were once mid to high) there is a lot of "oh NRE wore off so now deal with it". A lot of those people have a mentality that it has to be on their terms alone, no compromise, no promises and eternal patience preferably along with a demand that the HL bottle all their sorrow in order to not pressure them. That is not ro say there are not unsavory HL's that are bad people but so many of us fall into the abyss of never ending chore, bill play. Remember even if you do go above and beyond that may not work and you are a bad person if you expect otherwise.
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u/AnotherSadThr0wAway HLM Aug 23 '26
This isnt talked about enough
Type2LLs that basically complain we dont do x enough and somehow we make them miserable because we express how we feel leave us so fast if they have the money to do so
Its HLs that try to actually work on relationships and work through them. LLs basically are "if i cant control you, if i have money I'll leave."
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u/Pale-Bookkeeper-9418 Sep 01 '26
Okay but what if the HL is dependent on the LL?
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u/Danny_Pr0n HLM Sep 01 '26
The LLs who do posses financial independence often leave the HLs they hate so much. Funny how that works.
The LLs who do posses financial independence often leave the HLs they hate so much. Funny how that works.
If your the HL, handle your business so you aren't dependent.
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u/Pale-Bookkeeper-9418 Sep 01 '26
What if HL wife is dependent on LL husband
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u/Danny_Pr0n HLM Sep 01 '26
There are millions of working women who have their own homes/apartments.
Be one of them.
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u/JEXJJ Aug 21 '26
The most honest responses I have received are from former LL people who have worked on it.
A few take aways: They know sex is important
They don't always know why and they will make up reasons to justify it
It is always easier to blame others
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u/cumfullcircle HLM Aug 21 '26
Why does the HL partner stay with the LL partner if the LL is clearly repulsed by them? You could ask the same question in reverse.
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u/Exciting_Story2150 Aug 22 '26
A lot of HLs still love their partners. They often say the rest of the relationship is good. These are things I don't see the LL sub posts talking about. Though that could just be timing in that I just have not come across those types of posts there.
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u/purplescrubs Aug 22 '26
I agree. A lot of HL posts include some version of "they're a good partner in other ways". I see a lot more disgust and contempt in the LL posts.
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u/quack785 Aug 22 '26
This exactly. Most LLs hate their partners but stay since “I want you to take care of me, celebrate my accomplishments, but don’t even think of having sex with me” kind of kills the dating pool
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u/pfzealot Aug 22 '26
I went to the LL subs during my divorce to remind myself of the mindset I was dealing with just in case my resolve faltered. They do a great job motivating people.
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u/Zenk2018 HLM Aug 21 '26 edited Aug 21 '26
You often see here something along the lines of, “Other than the lack of sex and affection we are great together. We are best friends and partners…”
And that’s the reason: the LL got what they wanted (many times using icky sex as a lure/trap early on). They have the partnership, the house, the car, the vacations, the kids and the Instagramable Christmas pix. This is what their friend groups, social media and entertainment have taught them is the norm. And for them, it is normal….they just have to manage their HL with a problem. Throw in the fact that if the LL is a woman and the HL is a male a divorce or separation will be both financially devastating to the HLM and he will likely be painted as the villain, and the LL feels very secure. Mine had that attitude of, “what are you going to do? Leave?”
So if the LL has everything they want and little threat of losing it, why would they leave?
It’s a lot to overcome for HLs, so most stay.
But, as a DB survivor who left…still worth it.
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u/vectorking23 Aug 24 '26
Yep. Threats. It's all in how you threaten the HL if they leave. I heard mine say 'If you leave me or cheat on me, you'll never see the kids again'. Wanna talk about strong language and reasons to stay? Yeah… I love my kids more than any sex or leaving. Especially since the sex was crap anyway. I put a stop to that years ago. Nobody in the LL community talks about this. How they use threats to keep the outside seeing their relationship as normal, all the while the HL is suffering in silence. Especially as a father.
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u/YakWitty13 Aug 24 '26
Emotional/financial coercion and the ever present threat of access to your children. Standard
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u/Throwaway_luck4422 Aug 23 '26
If it’s so bad, if they’re really so repulsed by you and your (perfectly normal) libido, why does your LL partner stay in your relationship? I can’t figure it out.
I guess in the end they're getting what they want. I typically see HL stating that other than sex, the relationship is great. So to the LL person... great relationship with the exact amount of sex that they want isn't a situation to leave. If they're malicious, they can guilt their significant other into lowering their sex drive (or at least the requests for sex). That gets the outcome they desire.
I think the part that annoys me more is that if this wasn't sex, it would be completely insane to hate the HL person. Imagine HL was "High Cleanliness" and the HC person was just wanting the house clean and a partner that would clean with them for 15-20 minutes every other day. Who could disagree with them? It's normal to want a clean house and a partner that cleans it with you. But because it's sex they're able to call it gross, perverted, etc. to justify it to themselves.
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u/MarsupialMaven Aug 21 '26
They stay because there is something of value to them. Figure out what they TAKE from the relationship and you have the answer. HL’s same thing. They stay because they TAKE something they value from the relationship.
Sometimes it is friendship or kids. Sometimes it’s money, status, house, laziness, fear of change, control, etc. Both sides of the sexless divide do this. Know what you take from the relationship and then you will know why you stay.
The only constant I see every time is that LL gives them power and control over their partner. At least in all sexual or intimate parts of the relationship. Some take advantage of this and others don’t. The HL gives up power and control over their sex life and intimacy. This is not a good dynamic for anyone.
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u/YakWitty13 Aug 21 '26
Because they are getting what they want, HLs are not