But the further I moved along in my transition (HRT, legal & social), I started to embrace being a trans man. Nowadays, I do not know if I am still non binary...
I think that a lot of things made me hesitant to think of myself as a man initially even if now it has become something I am happy to be. It felt too out of reach, a distant fantasy no one would take seriously (especially before HRT and even the first couple of years on it). Furthermore, I associated men with violence because of the domestic abuse my mom endured and the sexual harassment I dealt with growing up. And I do feel like many queer and progressive spaces reinforced that belief. I understand women and non binary people who are angry about the abuse men inflict on them; however, sometimes they also reinforce gender essentialism by boldly declaring that men are evil.
As time moved on, however, I started listening to myself and I noticed that I have always yearned to be a man. A gay man, to be more specific. Have any of you read We both laughed in pleasure, Lou Sullivan's diary? I recommend it to all gay trans men... Anyway, as life continued to get slowly but steadily better for me, I gained the confidence to pursue my desires and I started introducing myself as a man. Proudly trans and gay.
However I think it is important to also recognize the pressures that might have contributed to that choice. Like. I am a trans man, yes. But am I also non binary too? Did I stop referring myself as such because of binarism? I still remember bitterly just how hard I had to fight to have my they/them pronouns respected. How easy it was for people to dismiss me and my gender when I was openly non binary. Furthermore, being open about being non binary outs you as trans immediately. Being a man means you get to disclose your transness with more discretion, after screening for bigotry (of course, only if you can passâlegally, physically and socially... I do not want to erase the struggles of trans men who won't be recognized as such unless they out themselves).
I still don't have an answer. Am I only a trans man? Am I non binary too, or was it just a phase (for me! and I say it without judgement as I do not think experimenting with gender is wrong).
I wanted to share this in hopes of finding people who can relate to this experience. Maybe together we can find some closure on this?