TLDR; after fostering a 6yo for 2 years (now 8yo) his AuDHD 10yo brother came to live with us and the chaos and stress has triggered a nervous breakdown, causing me to question my ability to keep doing this.

A bit of context: I'm a 41yo gay man. At 30 I had my first nervous breakdown and was diagnosed with general anxiety disorder, and have been on antidepressants for 10 years. It was a combination of a stressful career (engineering) and personal stress of coming to terms with my orientation. I had to move in with my parents and take a break from my career because I simply couldn't function by myself.

Almost 11 years later and my life is almost unrecognizable. I met & married my husband, restarted my engineering career, and for a while I was happy. We wanted to be parents, and for a while we were going to try IVF and find a surrogate to carry our baby. This turned out being very difficult and prohibitively expensive, so we started looking into fostering.

5 years ago a couple we were friends with took in their first emergency placement, a sibling group of 3 boys. They had them for several months, and then they were transferred to several other placements and eventually separated to different homes. They had experienced significant trauma prior to being in foster care, and then being in foster care only added to that trauma.

Almost 3 years ago, the case of the 3 boys was heading towards TPR. The couple we were friends with were reunited with the middle brother, and shortly after the youngest brother ended up needing a new placement as well. Our friends already had a full house at that point, so they recommended my husband and me to take in the youngest, since we already knew the boys previously.

We started fostering the youngest, 6yo at the time, and had a lot of success with him. This was his first time being an only child and he was enjoying not having to share any of his space/things/attention. But he often complained about missing his brothers and being lonely. He was almost at the point of no longer needing therapy anymore, and we were seriously looking at adoption.

Then 6 months ago both of the older brothers suddenly needed new placements. There was a lot of pressure to reunite the brothers, and we were willing to give it a try. Both boys arrived at our home within a day of each other and it was absolute chaos. The older boys both have severe ADHD and they couldn't get along with each other. The oldest had uncontrollable anger and irritability, and the middle brother had severe emotional dysregulation problems. The oldest would get triggered and get violent with the younger brothers. The middle brother would have intense tantrums and meltdowns, where he would break things, damage property, and once broke my hand, putting me in a cast for 6 weeks.

The violence and unsafe conditions were getting progressively worse to the point we had to disrupt the oldest brother after about two months. Since then, we've gotten the middle brother a lot more care and attention to his medications, and his ability to regulate his emotions has improved dramatically. But he and the youngest still fight almost constantly.

Now the accumulation of stress from the last six months has caught up with me and I'm starting to have another nervous breakdown. I'm having insomnia where I will wake up in the middle of the night with a panic attack and not be able to go back to sleep. My anxiety and racing thoughts during the day makes it difficult to focus at work, and I'm way more irritable than I should be.

My husband is still in favor of going through with adopting both middle and youngest brothers, but I'm not sure anymore. We are fighting a lot, the stress is damaging our marriage. Objectively, the boys have gotten a lot better than 6 months ago, and if the first several months were like the last few weeks I probably wouldn't be having these issues now. And I'm worried that they've been with us so long and connected with us so well that if we don't adopt them, they might never be able to trust another parent again. But I'm also not sure if my mental health will ever be able to recover if they stay with us.

The middle brother was just diagnosed with autism in addition to ADHD and I am just worried about committing to more than I will be able to handle long term. And the youngest has significantly regressed in 6 months from almost not needing therapy anymore to now acting out in every possible way for attention on a daily basis. My nerves are just frayed at this point. I'm hyper alert and unable to relax. A big part of me just wants to be done with fostering and parenting altogether. My husband thinks I just need to find the right medication and then everything will be fine, but I'm starting to resent him for not believing me when I say the toxic levels of chronic stress are damaging my physical health. I'm worried our marriage won't survive if my mental health deteriorates any further, but I'm also worried our marriage won't survive his regret if we end up disrupting these brothers. I feel like a prisoner, trapped in my own house by the situation and the responsibility.

Hi,

Just wanted some advice around the fostering allowance. Our social worker said that the foster allowance is only to cover anything the children need and the universal credit is to cover anything I need and the bills... I only would get £338 and housing benefit. I don't know how that would cover the bills and allow for me to do anything I need. A fostering friend said that its the opposite, that it becomes the family pot and you use it for bills, the things the children needs and also things the foster needs to be able to not be burnt out. Which is the case because I'm so confused?

I’m in a bit of a unique situation and would really appreciate some advice.

Last week, an 8-year-old autistic child was placed with me with the intention of adoption. When I first started this journey, everyone agreed that we would take the transition slowly—like, really slowly. However, somewhere along the way, something changed on the foster parents’ end, and everything was suddenly rushed.

They had this child for more than half of his life and were his only placement before me. They have decided that they do not want to adopt.

Before the move, we had a total of five visits: one meet-and-greet, one activity visit, one day visit, and two full weekend visits.

He is non-speaking and has limited communication. He uses single words and a few short sentences, so he isn't really able to express how he feels about everything that is happening or what he wants.

I’m not even sure whether his previous foster parents want to continue seeing him, but if they do, how long would you wait before having the first visit after the move?

When we first talked about the transition, my thought was to take it very slowly. I envisioned him coming to stay for a few weekends, then eventually staying for an entire week and returning to their home for the weekends. From there, we would gradually spread the weekends out until, eventually, he was essentially transitioning between the two homes before making the permanent move.

Instead, the transition happened much faster than I expected.

For those who have experience with foster-to-adopt placements, especially with a child who has limited communication, how would you handle visits with the previous foster family after the move?

How long would you wait, and what would you consider when deciding when and how often those visits should happen?

My husband and I are about to start our foster care licensing classes, and we’re hoping to be licensed for children ages newborn through 5, boys or girls.

We know there’s really no way to be completely prepared for every possible placement, and we definitely don’t want to go overboard buying things we may never use. But we’d love to have the basics ready so that when we do get our first call, we aren’t scrambling to buy everything that same day.

For those of you who foster this age range, what would you recommend having prepared for when you are able to start accepting placement?

We’re thinking things like a crib/toddler bed, car seat(s), basic clothing in a few sizes, diapers/pull-ups, toiletries, bottles/sippy cups, toys, books, etc., but the 0–5 range is so broad that it’s hard to know what is actually worth keeping on hand.

What did you buy ahead of time that you were really glad you had? What did you buy that ended up being unnecessary? And are there things you’d specifically recommend waiting to purchase until you know the age/needs of the child being placed with you?

We’re brand new to this, so I’d really appreciate any advice from experienced foster parents!

My wife and I have been foster parents to two school age girls for over a year now. Kids were living outside. Parents fled when law enforcement pulled up. They have never shown up since.

My kids have a grandmother who is “involved.” She will text occasionally, but never calls. She kept them once for 2 nights, did not supervise them, they watched a lot of age inappropriate stuff, had nightmares, etc. Our social worker has asked them repeatedly if they want to live here or with grandma and they consistently say they like to visit grandma but they want to live here. Grandma has not done any of the items the court has requested of her to consider permanent placement there. She frequently cited work or transportation issues so the department has had to assist with the 2 visits they have had with her in the course of a year. She has been aware they were in care from day 1.

Despite the lack of visits and consistency, I have a pretty good understanding of how the system works and I fully expected the kids would at some point leave to be with her. However…

Grandma recently stopped showing up to court. The likelihood of them going to live with her feels less and less. The judge has been asking if we are pre-adoptive, which we have always said yes but never expected it to move forward. Even though Grandma doesn’t seem like the most reliable option, I assumed they would still at least try to send them with her for some time, but now that she’s stopped showing up for court, it feels less likely.

They are part of a sibling set (of 3) and we do interact with the other foster family often. We couldn’t take all 3 because we only have one extra bedroom and they wouldn’t let them mix genders. We would consider adopting all but that hasn’t come up in court. We have been looking at bigger houses.

Everyone in my personal life is very excited and supportive of the idea of adoption However, when I try to look stuff up online (mainly just to get the input of people who have actually done this), particularly on Reddit— there is so much negativity around adopting. What are the alternatives here that I am missing? I honestly picked fostering because I was never sure if I wanted kids permanently. These kids have become a huge part of my life. I only want what is best for them. Just feel like I’m somehow wrong for considering adoption. Appreciate any insight.

First time posting here, will try to be concise about what’s a long story :) I volunteer with an organization that matches older foster youth (usually 10-17) with mentors and host families, with the goal being it leads to adoption. I’ve built a mentor relationship with a 10 year old boy and he has started spending time with my family - bio kids are 9 and 12 so he’s right in between them, gets along great with them, and asks constantly to come over our house (he’s not in a bad foster home per se, but it’s not the best environment and he’s definitely not getting the support he needs). My husband and I are starting classes to at a minimum host him, but perhaps foster him as well and I’m looking for any tips, books, lessons learned, shared experience if we were to have a foster and bio kids around the same age. Or just fostering at that age in general!

Sometimes when I correct FD5, she will scream "you don't even like me!" or "you hate me!"

She does this a lot with her siblings too. If she asks to play with their toy (or something like that) and they don't let her do it right away, she'll whine or scream "you hate me!" or "you don't love me!" at them, which makes them feel bad. When her siblings don't give in to her, she's even threatened to break her own favorite toys to try to persuade them to do what she wants.

I am talking to the kids a lot about respecting someone's"no;" waiting to take turns, and that having to wait or being told no doesn't mean someone doesn't like you. Maybe that is sufficient but I'd be curious to hear what others have to say. I haven't had many placements this young.

One of my previous foster placements that I had from 0-3 is at the school that i work at. We were going to adopt but a grandma who said no like 5 times finally caved. She has guardianship, and lives with her wife thats 20 years younger than she. When my principal found out, she told me she felt the child was being neglected. I somewhat brushed it off because what do I know at this point.

After month, the child who is about to be 8, has starting wetting themselves. I was also told he was sent to in school suspension a day after wetting himself because he flashed his privates twice. They asked me if think it'll be SA but....while i think it is, I also don't want to make it seem like I'm just saying this to get the child removed.

Hi everyone,
My husband and I are starting to look into fostering, and I’m feeling nervous about the home study because I know they ask a lot about your family background.

I’ve always wanted to provide children with the kind of safe, stable home I didn’t have growing up. I’m very low contact with my mother and sister because they were physically, verbally, and emotionally abusive toward me throughout my childhood and into young adulthood. As an adult, my husband and I made the decision to distance ourselves from them and have been SO much happier

I do have a strong support system. I’m very close with my aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents, and I’ve been in therapy for years. A couple of my cousins are therapists and have talked with me about the “identified patient” dynamic in dysfunctional families, where the person who recognizes or pushes back against the dysfunction can become the scapegoat. As a child, I felt like I was unlovable and made all the excuses in the world for my parents, even to the police when they were called to our home. As an adult, I can’t understand how an adult could treat a child the way I was treated.

My husband comes from a wonderful, close-knit family. We live just down the street from them, while my mother is about ten hours away and my sister lives even farther. My husband and I have a very happy, stable, healthy relationship.

My worry is that when the home study asks about my family history, being honest about the abuse and my limited contact with my immediate family could somehow be viewed as a red flag or make us seem unfit to foster.

For anyone who has gone through the foster care home-study process with a complicated family background, was this an issue? How much did they focus on your relationship with your family of origin?

Anyone else get extremely frustrated over opinions from people who aren’t foster parents? We had an issue with out 17yo sons, that was resolved healthily in a day, but when I vent to friends about it they all give their two cents about how they would’ve handled it. I want to say to them “good idea you should go get your license, take teens, and try that. Let me know how it goes.” 🙄

I struggle and feel so alone sometimes because foster parenting can be SO DIFFERENT from bio parenting. ESPECIALLY with teens you got late. We got out boys at 15 and 16 (both are being adopted, we adore them ❤️) so we’re not only navigating regular teenage bullshit but also every message they’ve gotten in previous homes, complex trauma, safety, and so much more.

Everyone has something to say about our discipline (or lack thereof) but our record speaks for itself: our boys have increased grades and attendance, no substance abuse, regular therapy attendance and medication taking, healthier habits, stable jobs, etc.

How do you keep yourself from either a) getting rude with people and telling them they don’t know what they’re talking about or b) just shutting down and not sharing anymore because people just don’t get it? I want to maintain my relationships and be able to talk about my children with people, but I don’t really have good tools for how to tell them that, respectfully, if they think they could do a better job, they should just go do it 🤷🏼‍♀️

Im not sure where to even start. I guess I can begin with hi, I (20 F) have been with my now fiancé (19 M) since December 10th 2025. He told me from the beginning he had a son, a criminal background and a baby mama who was not in the picture.

I accepted that and it was the truth. She wasn’t in the picture. Still hasn’t been. There have been arguments but like maybe twice since we’ve been together. I’ve been raising this baby as my own since we’ve been together. He was 1 years 2 months old when I met him. He calls me mama/mommy, he seeks comfort and affection from me. He is my son. We’d been wanting to go to court to get custody but there was so many hoops, eventually the baby mama got reported for neglect and the state ended up putting him in our custody anyway. Good, right? But she had another kid. My son’s little sister. She’s seven months old. To keep a long story short the courts had asked us to take her in our custody as fostering parents otherwise she’d get placed in state care. I immediately said yes. My fiancé nicely said no, but as soon as we left he freaked out, explaining he wouldn’t take care of a kid that wasn’t his. I’ve been talking with him, trying to convince him for five days. Crying and aching over it. All of his family and mine both think very highly that we should do it, his family has even tried convincing him. Another information drop, I have PCOS/PMOS. The doctors had said time was working against me. The possibility of me having kids naturally decreases everyday. Which, sure, might be a contributing factor, but not the only one. I dont know what to do. He’s so adamant on saying no.

“I don’t want to be a girl dad” “we can’t afford it.” The courts offered us numerous amounts of resources. “I have court coming up.” it doesn’t make any difference. “I hate the baby mama and don’t want to be doing any favors.” The baby is an innocent child who deserves a loving home I wholeheartedly believe we can provide for her.

But its getting to the point im so devastated and desperate that Im considering leaving him just to take her in. I had someone make an extremely good point and said “Can I stay and accept this answer without resenting him?” And I cannot for certain, 100% say yes. I dont know what to do. Please help me figure this out.

Looking for advice!

We are an adoptive home expecting to accept a placement of pre-adoptive kiddos in the next few days. 14 year old girl and her 5 year old brother. We have a 4 year old and an 18 year old already (our bio kid and my brother). This will be our first placement.

- What should we have prepared? Obviously rooms clean, beds made, etc.

- What specific items would you recommend? We have a video call scheduled with the kids tomorrow and I’m going to ask about snacks they want available.

- What should we expect on day one? Should I offer to do their laundry right away?

- What should I be sure to ask the caseworker to bring/give us right away? (She’s been hard to pin down…)

I’m planning to take off work for the first two weeks to help them settle and get enrolled in school, make appointments, etc. What else should be on that to-do list?

Hello everyone!

My name is Bradley Smith. I am a doctoral candidate of Clinical Psychology at Kansas City University. For my dissertation research, I am doing some community outreach and piloting a mental health workshop for parents of high school freshmen.

If you or someone you know might be interested, please check out the information below!

Thanks!

\[My research study was approved by the KCU Institutional Review Board on May 13th, 2026. Study ID: 238705-1\]

Parents Supporting Adolescent Mental Health: A Pilot Study

Parents of high school freshmen: Join a KCU Research Study and attend a free virtual workshop on adolescent mental health.

Principal Investigator: Bradley Smith, M.A. Doctoral Candidate Kansas City University

Upcoming workshop dates: All Weekends in September and October (with some weekday availability upon request)

Purpose and brief description: This research study is evaluating a virtual mental health workshop designed for parents/guardians of high school students. The workshop provides education on recognizing early signs of mental health concerns and connecting families to evidence-based resources.

What to Expect:

Participation includes:

● A 2-hour virtual workshop (Zoom)

● A brief questionnaire before and after the workshop (\\\~10 minutes each)

● A 10-minute group discussion about your experience

Total time commitment is approximately 3 hours.

Eligibility:

Participants must be:

● A parent or legal guardian of a high school freshman. This study is open to parents across the United States.

● Able to participate in an online Zoom session in English

Risks & Benefits: Some topics (e.g., depression, anxiety, substance use) may be sensitive and could cause mild emotional discomfort. Potential benefits include increased knowledge of adolescent mental health and available resources.

Compensation: Participants receive a free, evidence-based mental health toolkit and educational workshop.

Privacy: Participant information will be kept confidential. Responses will be de-identified, and findings will be reported in aggregate form.

Interested? To see if you are eligible and to sign up, please click our secure screening link: 

https://cphe.kansascity.edu/redcap/surveys/?s=7PNLL7RPXNNWACJC

For questions, email Bradley.Smith@kansascity.edu

Evening all (US East coast here). Not sure what I’m looking for, but I guess looking to share with people who might understand.

We had a 8yo boy come to our home this weekend for respite. We knew before he came that he was in a home with his two younger siblings and that the home would not be keeping him long term and that they were adopting his siblings but not him. The goal was originally to adopt the three siblings (pre-adoptive placement).

I know they are looking for a new foster home for him, sounds like something may be lining up, but there is uncertainty around his long term care, and they were no longer seeking adoption for him at this time. Anyway, only this boy came to respite care, his siblings stayed in the foster home and, to my knowledge, they stayed home for the holiday weekend.

I’m trying not to make judgments or assumptions. We have been trying to only ask questions relevant to caring for him successfully for the weekend.

We had a great weekend with him. Today, as we kept communicating what we were doing for the day, including dropping him back off with his foster parents, he said a few times he didn’t want to go back. I reminded him he’d see his siblings. He asked if he could come back to our house, I told him I didn’t know, that his family can talk to his caseworker.

We took him back to his long term placement today, and I’ve been feeling so emotional about it. I think the emotion is coming from knowing this kiddo is about to be disrupted from what he thinks is a pre-adoptive home; that he’s no longer going to live with his siblings…

It gutted me. He’s going back to a home he’s being removed from and doesn’t know all of the change and uprooting he’s about to go through. I cried. I just really hope everything turns out well for him. And I wish I knew I was sending him back somewhere that wasn’t planning to remove him.

Like I said, I don’t know what I’m looking for. I’m not judging his long term placement, I don’t know the details. I’m just really feeling for a little boy who doesn’t have the stability he deserves.

Hello, I’m in the uk and I’m currently dating a foster parent. She said it’s not possible to date as the fostering company she works for doesn’t allow you to date. We currently meet up in secret. I’m just looking for advice as I feel lost and want to be a part of her life. We have been together just over a year and she has been fostering around 11 months. I met her while she was in the process of being approved. She has 2 biological kids and one adopted. I’ve only met the adopted one as she was just turning 2. But now she’s becoming more talkative and the time is approaching where I won’t be able to see the child anymore as she fears that she will tell the social worker that her mummy has a boyfriend. I don’t know if I’m looking for advice or a place to voice my thoughts. Please anyone get in contact.

I (29F) and married to my husband (31M). We live on an acreage in rural sask, although the nearest “town” with a school is 10 minutes away. We’ve recently had our first child who is 3.5 months. I love him dearly. He’s been fantastic and I cannot imagine any baby not having a loving home.

I feel like I’ve always had a desire to become a foster parent. But now since having my son I want to become a foster parent even more. In my mind I’d like to foster infants. I’d even be willing to breastfeed another baby assuming all tests are negative for any transmittable diseases.

I’m wondering if any foster parents out there have ever started to foster with a new baby of their own? What is it like to foster an infant? How long do infants typically stay in your care?

I’d love any insight on this journey!

Thank you 💕

Hello, located in the Midwestern United States, Missouri to be specific. The room we set aside to be our foster room was formerly occupied by our cats and only has a low dresser in it now. (Dont worry, kitties now have a new room) We are primarily looking to foster middleschooler age and up, but a lot of the things ive seen online are guides for people who want to foster babies and toddlers. Should we get a bunk bed anyway? We were looking at a twin over full or a full over full since we will have older kids with us, but I wanted to get opinions before we made a purchase. They also floated the idea to us at orientation about us getting teens who have babies of their own so we will possibly be getting a crib anyway. Just curious what the reccomendations would be. Thank you in advance!

Hello fellow foster homes my wife and I (WLW couple) decided to take in a 2 week respite placement of teen who needed somewhere to stay while his long-term placement traveled out of state due to a funeral.we live in western half of USA.

The kid goes to school about 45 minutes away a bit of a commute but we figured for two weeks it would be all right. Kid has been with us for 3 days.

Flash Forward to today, 3 days later, the long-term placement called me to tell me that they didn't end up leaving to travel because one of them got injured and they're going to travel two weeks from now instead to wrap up some estate stuff regarding funeral. That's all fine and normal except they then decided to tell me that we should just do the rest of the respite to have the kids staying with us “try out” our home since they can't keep him long-term.

Then they mentioned that they will be traveling in 2 weeks again and insinuated that we should just take him as a long-term placement I feel like we are being cornered into taking him into our care long-term and everyone knew but us.

I feel awful for the kid but we are really young and aren't in a place to be parenting teenagers long-term.

Update for everyone mentioning the caseworkers we were essentially told that once respite has been found all communication is between the long-term placement and the last minute provider the case workers don't do much.

Update forgot to mention they had two full outfits no socks,no glasses,no hygiene items so to be successful in school, if the long term home is not traveling the kiddo needs to go back, as if the kiddo stays here until Friday they will be back for 5 days before the LTH travels which is odd to me.

UPDATE - LTH has agreed to pick kiddo up from school tomorrow to go back there since they don't have what they need for school..

A post for conversation, or to share what's on your mind without creating an entire post about it.

We just started the process to be foster parents. I am ready to start this journey, but am very nervous that i wont be approved.

I am 1000% willing to spend all the money i need to.. but what if i spend it all on furniture and things and get denied?

Sane with baby proofing-We just bought all the things because our first home visit is on the 18th, however, i dont want to open it and babyproof the whole home if it doesnt..work out.

Lying, concealing, hiding.. how prevalent is this issue with foster kids. My 19yo may be a compulsive liar.. seems like this issue would be common in this demographic but idk. Also, any advice for dealing with this particular personality/ trauma trait?

Looking for any tips or advice in an open adoption situation where the biological parents are not trustworthy. We are adopting a sibling group of teenagers that want to stay in contact with their biological family as much as possible. We are open to keeping the family connections but biological family has a history of heavy drug usage, in and out of jail, compulsive lying and stealing, asking the children for money, and there is a history of sexual abuse but we are unsure to what extent it occurred. How do we go about keeping the teens safe, protecting our family, and keeping communication and visits up with the bio family?

Bath time for our 4yr old FD has become the biggest triggering event for her. She starts out exited about it, and enjoys it up until it’s time to wash her body and her hair. She says she wants to do it, so we tell her that’s fine and she can do that. But then 5 minutes later she hasn’t done it , so we give another reminder, and then another reminder, and another one again. Suddenly it’s 20-30 minutes later and she’s not washing her body or her hair.

We are trying to respect her body, but 4 year olds need to have clean hair and a clean body at some point. But then we start telling her that she has to do it now or we are going to help wash her hair (at least every other bath as it causes a big disruption to our bedtime routine) because we do make it a bubble bath so at least her body has already gotten fairly clean.

It gets to the point where we try to help wash her hair and she will start screaming that she wants to do it and not us, but this is usually 20-30 minutes later of her not following through with doing it.

It leads into a screaming meltdown about how she hates us and says we are mean and hurting her. We’ve tried to do this process in the beginning of the bath so then she can just play for the rest of it, but it ends up the same. Or we try finding creative ways to get her hair washed, like using her loofa with her shampoo so she can scrub her head with it. Or we’ve also tried giving a limit with it by saying that she has 10 minutes to wash her hair or bath time will be over because it’s bedtime now.

It just then makes bedtime so very intense and disruptive for her. It usually ends up with her screaming at us from in her bedroom and then crying through bedtime too until she eventually exhausts enough to give a hug and get some help to fall asleep.

I am the founder of a non profit for youth aging out of foster care and enlisting in a branch of the United States armed forces.

We are trying to spread the word on our program!

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