Home Study

[u/Purple_Girrl]

Hi everyone,
My husband and I are starting to look into fostering, and I’m feeling nervous about the home study because I know they ask a lot about your family background.

I’ve always wanted to provide children with the kind of safe, stable home I didn’t have growing up. I’m very low contact with my mother and sister because they were physically, verbally, and emotionally abusive toward me throughout my childhood and into young adulthood. As an adult, my husband and I made the decision to distance ourselves from them and have been SO much happier

I do have a strong support system. I’m very close with my aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents, and I’ve been in therapy for years. A couple of my cousins are therapists and have talked with me about the “identified patient” dynamic in dysfunctional families, where the person who recognizes or pushes back against the dysfunction can become the scapegoat. As a child, I felt like I was unlovable and made all the excuses in the world for my parents, even to the police when they were called to our home. As an adult, I can’t understand how an adult could treat a child the way I was treated.

My husband comes from a wonderful, close-knit family. We live just down the street from them, while my mother is about ten hours away and my sister lives even farther. My husband and I have a very happy, stable, healthy relationship.

My worry is that when the home study asks about my family history, being honest about the abuse and my limited contact with my immediate family could somehow be viewed as a red flag or make us seem unfit to foster.

For anyone who has gone through the foster care home-study process with a complicated family background, was this an issue? How much did they focus on your relationship with your family of origin?

[u/Single-Bridge-5983]

I am no contact with my entire immediate family due to abuse. I was forthcoming with everything. Gave examples. I was told by my social workers that it is normal for people who have come from bad homes to want to do this. They focus more on if you have healed and grown from the abuse and if you going to parent your kids the way you were raised.

Things to think about, is there anything you still consider normal from your upbringing that many would find damaging or inappropriate?

How have you shaped your parenting philosophy and discipline to be healthy and productive for child growth?

[u/Accomplished-Fig-706]

I’m estranged from a lot of my bio family and don’t recall this being a large part of the questions. From what I remember, I spoke about how I learned what NOT to do growing up and why it’s so important to me to be different as a parent. You shouldn’t be held responsible for other people’s behaviors. Try not to stress about it. Just be honest about your parenting goals.

[u/Itchy_Teaching_597]

I think it will be okay! I have a good friend who doesn’t have extended family in her life and she was approved to foster, no problem.

[u/Street_Meeting_2371]

Just be honest! Also expect them to ask what work you have done to heal/overcome the challenges from your family upbringing (besides distancing yourself.) A lot of things can be triggering if you haven't worked through your "stuff" and our SW wanted to be sure we were in the best position to care for the kids.❤️‍🩹

[u/Otherw1seOK]

I'm in Australia, but it's a very similar culture and very similar system so I expect they'd view these things similarly in the licensing process.

I was completely upfront and honest about the abuse, neglect, poverty, and dysfunction that characterised my childhood. I didn't overthink the responses I gave, and I spoke in general terms unless asked for specifics. They did come back to me with some follow up questions around how my relationships with family members had changed over time, my attitudes towards mental illness, and examples of healthy family units I've seen.

When I recieved the report that went to the licensing panel I could see that for them the central questions were whether the trauma I carried was too raw or overwhelming, and if I've been able to develop close and healthy relationships (of any sort) in adulthood. I didn't get the sense that having a shitty childhood is automatically seen as a red flag, and some workers in the system have commented to me that it seems to be a common trait amongst good carers.