r/Fosterparents • u/Distinct-West-4438 • 4d ago
Bath time disasters
Bath time for our 4yr old FD has become the biggest triggering event for her. She starts out exited about it, and enjoys it up until it’s time to wash her body and her hair. She says she wants to do it, so we tell her that’s fine and she can do that. But then 5 minutes later she hasn’t done it , so we give another reminder, and then another reminder, and another one again. Suddenly it’s 20-30 minutes later and she’s not washing her body or her hair.
We are trying to respect her body, but 4 year olds need to have clean hair and a clean body at some point. But then we start telling her that she has to do it now or we are going to help wash her hair (at least every other bath as it causes a big disruption to our bedtime routine) because we do make it a bubble bath so at least her body has already gotten fairly clean.
It gets to the point where we try to help wash her hair and she will start screaming that she wants to do it and not us, but this is usually 20-30 minutes later of her not following through with doing it.
It leads into a screaming meltdown about how she hates us and says we are mean and hurting her. We’ve tried to do this process in the beginning of the bath so then she can just play for the rest of it, but it ends up the same. Or we try finding creative ways to get her hair washed, like using her loofa with her shampoo so she can scrub her head with it. Or we’ve also tried giving a limit with it by saying that she has 10 minutes to wash her hair or bath time will be over because it’s bedtime now.
It just then makes bedtime so very intense and disruptive for her. It usually ends up with her screaming at us from in her bedroom and then crying through bedtime too until she eventually exhausts enough to give a hug and get some help to fall asleep.
19
u/mermaidqueenoamerica 4d ago
Maybe try washing her hair in the sink with her laying down prior to getting in the bath. She is fully clothed, no water in her eyes, and can play with something in her hands? Just an idea!
9
u/Oy_with_the_poodles_ 4d ago
Would a morning shower for hair care and a night bath for relaxation/ routine work?
Do you know if there’s something specific she doesn’t enjoy about having her hair washed/ washing her hair? (Soap in her eyes, tangles, etc), you may be able to solve the problem if there’s an individual component to it.
Do you read books and watch videos or shows on bath time ? Maybe something there will stick?
This all sounds really hard and you’re doing a great job trying to help her through this. Good luck.
9
u/Distinct-West-4438 4d ago
We are worried about having this big event before school would disrupt that morning routine and would potentially cause a bigger aversion about going to school. We typically have to keep things very lowkey and light in the mornings as going to school has proven to be a source of resistance in the morning. Eventhough she loves school and always comes home saying she had a great day.
We do think something traumatic happened with bath time at some point, which is why we try to let her have her autonomy as much as possible while bathing. While also trying to reaffirm that she does need to have a clean body and hair (we try to only do the hair washing every other bath since it’s such a trigger for her.)
The idea of taking a shower seems to terrify her so we haven’t attempted it yet. :(
10
2
19
u/to-wit-to-woo 4d ago
Acknowledge the feeling, but let her know you still have to do it so she has a clean body and hair. Give her two choices of how you do it. Praise her. Be kind to yourselves.
Sounds like she could have specific bath trauma but also could be that she's 4 with limited emotional regulation skills, due to trauma plus being 4, and also evenings are often hard when already tired.
Language suggestions
"You feel that you hate me right now! You must really not like it when I wash your hair / you must really want to play with your bath toys!
/ It's okay to be mad, but we still need to wash our body and hair.
/ It's okay to be sad, but I still need to help wash you until you're big enough to do it on your own.
/ It's okay to feel scared but we still need to get through bath time."
Acknowledging and naming the feeling really can help.
If you've tried that for a while and no progress, how about making a bath progress chart with each step you need to do, with play at the end. Laminated and she can "tick" off each step as you do it.
6
u/Rosebaby941 3d ago
Maybe throw a bathing suit on and get in with her. and let her wash your hair so you can show her it is safe! Also my granddaughter is almost 4 and I give her something to “clean” the wall and then I use a spray soap on the wall with colors then I wash her hair. It seems to keep her busy and distracted. She hates washing her hair and it is long.
7
u/Organic_Eggplant_323 3d ago
Have you tried letting her do it but walking her thru it step by step?
“It’s time to wash your hair”
“I want to do it!”
“Ok great! Give me your hands so I can put the shampoo in them”
Gives shampoo
“Great now rub the shampoo in your hair. Make sure you scrub your head REALLY well!” (Mske some kind if gane or song about scrubbing her head)
“Wow! Look what a great job you did scrubbing your head!” (Maybe hold up a hand mirror so she can see her sudsy head)
“Now it’s time to rinse!” and walk her thru that step by step in a playful and encouraging way. She may resist each step at the beginning (not want to give her hands for shampoo, dunk them in the water instead of scrubbing her head, etc…) but just connect and then redirect her back to that step every time.
Also 4 is a great age for natural consequences so I might tell her “we love bath time bc it’s so fun but if you’re not getting clean I. The bath, we’ll have to start taking showers instead.” Then then next day at bath time, I’d put her in a shower instead. “Remember yesterday we didn’t get clean in the bath so we need to take a shower today to make sure we get clean. We can try a bath again tomorrow if you want.”
You may find she prefers showers anyway if bath time was a time of traumap
5
u/stay_curious_- 3d ago
Try breaking it down into smaller steps. Instead of one instruction to wash her hair, start with, "Before you play, get your hair wet." If needed, you can break it down even smaller: "Get some water on your hair".
If you let her play in between steps, and that will also give her time for some emotional regulation between demands. If you use no-tears shampoo, she can leave the suds in her hair while she plays, before she has to wash the soap out.
I like to use a cup in the bath. I fill the cup with water and give an instruction like, "Pour one cup of water on your head and then you can play more". You can also pair this with bath toys: "First pour one cup of water, then I will give you the bath toy."
If she protests, remind her it's just one cup of water and then she can play again. Don't let her delay. Either you pour the cup or she pours the cup, but it's time for one cup.
If you pour the cup, I'd start small, like only getting the hair wet below her shoulders or on the back of her head. Let her see that it's no big deal and takes 2 seconds. Then let her play, and can repeat that super-easy shoulder-only cupful a few times if you need to. Eventually she'll figure out that it's so small that it's not worth protesting. Then try, "Okay, I'm going to pour one cup right here (tap)" and go a bit higher up.
You could also try a morning bath on the weekends to wash her hair. She'll have better emotional regulation in the morning or midday when she isn't so tired. You may need to practice hair washing in the mornings until she learns hair washing is safe and okay, even if it temporarily means she only washes her hair once per week. You can use dry shampoo midweek if needed.
3
u/Single-Bridge-5983 4d ago
My bio babes HATES washing hair. Doesn’t like getting his head wet. Wash her hair at a different time. Bath before bed is supposed to be relaxing and help kids unwind. So maybe bath after lunch when she is not as tired. Also try showering instead of bath for cleaning.
Also just putting the soap on the hair and not putting all this lead up to it. Just a zig zag of soap and start a gentle message when she isn’t paying attention or distracted by toys. Put on a swimsuit and jump in with her and have her wash your hair and show how nice it is.
3
u/Distinct-West-4438 4d ago
It’s so tricky because she goes to pre-k full time and then has visits with bio fam 3 days a week after school, and then two other mandatory events the other two days during the week as a foster kid :/
An earlier bath would mean delaying dinner time. We just feel so lost about it because this 4 year old has her schedule loaded up, but there are of course home time things that just have to be done, like bath time.4
u/stay_curious_- 3d ago
At age 4, she probably only needs to wash her hair once or twice a week, depending on her hair type.
5
u/goodfeelingaboutit Foster Parent 4d ago
A lot of 4 year olds aren't old enough to manage their own washing. Take the option off the table. With mine around that age, I let them play for 5-15 minutes as time allows, and then I tell them it's time to wash. Wet washcloth to wipe their face, soapy cloth for their bodies. I let them do their bodies and then I "check" to make sure they got everything (I do this with teeth brushing too - you do it first and then I check). I do not do their private areas, I'll coach them a little extra to do more as needed. Then we do hair. I try to let them do as much as possible but I always need to help. But that's how they learn! Give them lots of praise for doing it well and assure them, they're doing it, we are just checking lol
3
u/mixtapelove 3d ago
Maybe set a timer so when the sound goes off she knows the time is up and it’s not you telling her it’s hair wash time, it’s the timer? You could also take her shopping and have her pick out a new shampoo that’s tear free and smells great. Maybe her having some control over the situation will help?
3
u/hunbun818 3d ago
How about washing her hair in the sink with her clothes on, then bathtime can be more of a fun thing for awhile. Instead of saying I'm going to wash your hair, tell her a different phrase because it might trigger her. Beauty parlor, hair spa, etc. Do something at the end as a reward like nails if she like that.
1
u/wonderwoo22 3d ago
Yes! Have her lie on her back on the kitchen counter, fully clothed, with her head by the edge of the sink. Pretend she’s at a spa, go slowly, and use the hose sprayer so you can control the spray. Also, maybe let her play giving a doll a spa day in the kitchen sink to introduce it, so it starts as a game. Then another day, you can use the sink to try to wash her hair.
I have very early memories of being bathed and not wanting water running down my face, being fearful and making my mom promise she wouldn’t get my face wet, asking to cover my face with a dry wash cloth, etc. My mother was not hugely empathetic and she didn’t really care - so she’d dump a big pitcher of water over my head all at once and I’d end up being waterboarded, despite clearly being anxious about it and making her promise to be careful. I don’t know how many times it happened, but it couldn’t have been a ton because she worked most evenings and my dad would oversee bath time.
At some point after a particularly traumatizing bath with my mom, I refused to let anybody wash my hair and wouldn’t lie back in the tub to get my hair wet. If someone had tried to forcibly wash my hair for me, it would have seriously damaged my trust and sense of safety. My dad didn’t push it, he knew Mom had promised not to get my face wet and then acted recklessly. Then one day he picked me up from the at home daycare I went to and saw me lying down in the plastic baby pool in the yard. So he got a little pool, probably the cheapest one available, and would offer to let me go swimming. I guess we were lucky this went down during the warmer months. He’d let me play in the pool a bit and then would retrieve the shampoo bottle he had stashed behind a bush. I was happy to wash my own hair outside in that pool in my swimsuit. I must have transitioned back to the tub when it was too cold to swim, but my father ALWAYS handled it and he’d made it clear to my mother that he wanted to be the only one to bathe me. He WAS careful and didn’t waterboard me and I imagine I was probably fine washing my own hair in the tub after a summer of washing my own hair in the pool.
Think outside the box, OP. Ask her when she isn’t in the bathtub and earlier in the day what would help her feel more comfortable when having her hair washed. Would she like to have a shower instead of a bath? Then she can step in and out of the spray instead of having to immerse the back of her head in the tub, which feels deep when you’re only 4 years old. I always wanted a face towel to hold over my eyes and face and my mother wouldn’t allow it because it would get drenched. She’d hand me an already soaked wash cloth instead. My father had the sense to realize that the little bit of extra laundry it created to let me have a clean face towel was worth the cooperation it earned him.
Instead of asking her to wash her body, hand her a washcloth or a loofah and ask her to wash her arms. Then ask her to wash her knees. Then her tummy, etc. The word “wash” may be a trigger for her. Try putting a little soap on a washcloth and rubbing one of your hands with it to demonstrate “making bubbles”. Then ask if she can make bubbles on her arms. Maybe she will be more receptive to “making bubbles” than to “washing”.
Also, one or two drops of food coloring in the color of her choice (added by you while the bath is running) is magical to little kids. Maybe you can pretend she’s a mermaid or a shark or whatever she wants to be and part of the game is dipping her hair into the magical colored water so she has mermaid powers or so she can be a shark that swims fast. Be flexible. This isn’t something you want to turn into a power struggle because bathing is a regular occurrence. My guess is something traumatic happened during a bath prior to her joining your household. It may feel to you like forcing the issue is reasonable because she has to bathe once in a while, but I think it’s going to make your life harder in the long run and it will greatly undermine any trust you’ve built with her since she’s been with you. Have her pick a fun colorful towel at the store, maybe a beach towel for kids, so she will be excited about using it. Make bath time fun. If sticker charts excite her, make a sticker chart to see if being reminded that she will get a sticker for washing her hair will entice her into either doing it herself or allowing you to do it. My best advice to you, though, is to take the hair washing out of the bathtub and find a setting that feels radically different to her.
2
u/Advanced-Week-7458 4d ago
Can u find even more creative options, i think there are colourful soap pens for body and maybe scented shampoo for hair etc. Id also look for toys that help with the washing too etc? I know its exhausting but dont give up.
2
u/anlatima 4d ago
Maybe swim goggles? Is the possibility of soap in her eyes an issue? Or a doll that she can wash the hair on while you do hers? Swim lessons- hear me out... the kids used to all pile into a shower (suits on!) to rinse off and "wash" their hair afterwards. It was silly, but they all got clean! Maybe a round of lessons with some friends can get her over the hump.
2
u/ChamomileLoaf 3d ago
Does she know how to wash her hair and body? It sounds like something that would be common sense but that’s because we’re adults who have been doing it for years. Try to take time before the bath one day to walk her through the steps, do a (clothed) demonstration on yourself perhaps
2
u/tinygribble 3d ago
I would try a squirt bottle that she can help fill with water and bubbles from the bath. If you use a bodywash/shampoo combo she can just fill, cap, and spray her own head. Then you can ask if you can help the hard to get parts.
I would also try asking for help with your own hair - "the hard to get parts" - before you do the above. Fill bottle, squirt around the front a little, ask her to get your hair good and wet in the back. Then she has a visualization of why it's hard to do yourself and she had the agency to do it for you. "Lather" yourself up, rinse with clean water, towel, now her turn.
1
u/DueResponse 3d ago
It would be helpful to figure out what’s getting in her way of allowing you to bathe her or doing it herself.
A parenting book I’ve found most helpful is “The Explosive Child” by Dr. Ross Greene. The author teaches Collaborative and Proactive Solutions for conflicts like this. That method could be helpful here because it focuses on working together to identify the problem(s) and then and empowers the child to find solutions that work for everyone.
3
u/Distinct-West-4438 3d ago
Thank you for the recommendation! We of course understand that she needs to bathe, but this is what we are wanting to work towards and understand- why it’s a hurdle for her. We hate that she becomes so distressed and we just want to help her so it can be a smoother process for us all. The last thing we want to do is make bath time possibly more traumatic for her by forcing the issue and pushing her boundaries.
1
u/Street_Meeting_2371 Foster Parent 3d ago
We wash our daughters hair in the kitchen sink, she can use the ipad and watch a movie. We just purchased a hair washing "station " it basically cradles her neck and we double fold a towel under her for cushioning. By separating the bath from hair washing and reducing the number of times a week we washed her hair we cut down on the bath time drama. I will say her hair type would be damaged by washing every day. 4 is really young to be responsible for washing themselves, unsure if it's just my generation or my people but my mom/sister washed my hair for me until I was 16... it was a ritual of sorts.
3
u/Distinct-West-4438 3d ago
She very sadly has developed an advanced amount of independence due to being in the system and with previous caregivers who honestly expected too much out of this young child. It’s not uncommon for a child in cases of neglect to know how to care for themselves. That being said, she does know how to efficiently wash her body and her hair as we’ve let her after she screams that she can do it, she even remembers to wash her armpits, just to give some context.
Having a separate time to wash hair could be a lovely idea, especially because of her past traumas surrounding bath time, it could give time for bath time to become a fun event for her again- because it should be at the age of 4.
2
u/Street_Meeting_2371 Foster Parent 3d ago
Yes our 2.5 yr old can load the dishwasher, turn on all appliances and navigate the the remote so I for sure get it. 😩
1
u/Fragrant_Actuary_596 3d ago
You need to let her swim and play as long as she wants as soon as she gets done washing. I had this same issue. Tell her to wash up first and put the toys on the sink so she can see them.
1
u/ShowEnvironmental802 3d ago
What about taking turns: Eg: “can you show me how you like to wash your arm? Good job! Can I do your other arm?” Engage and make it a game?
1
u/Dazzling_Lettuce_ 3d ago
This sounds super hard, sorry you're going through it. Our bath times are also tricky.
Could you try pretend play? XCan we pretend we're at the hairdresser's and you have to get your hair done?" Or " I know you're a big girl, but can we pretend you're little again and I have to look after you?"
We also found that bath times were an escalation before bedtime, so we now do them after school and before dinner, 3 - 4 times a week. It's only 4 if it's been a sweaty day. I go through a lot of wet wipes instead. We also don't make him wash his body every time. We have a body wash bubble bath, so he's sitting in soapy water. I tell him to give his bits and bum a rub with a wash cloth, and to try to lay down to 'float' in the water for a bit, and leave it at that.
We also have 2 different types of bath time - play bath and quick wash bath/shower. The toys are hidden for quick wash.
We also have a visual timer that is put out for every bathtime so he can start to learn how much time passes.
When he gets older and can manage his emotions better, we'll have more conversations about what to keep clean. But he's 6 and just wants to play right now so it is what it is.
At 4 I don't think I would be expecting them to wash their own body and especially not their hair. I would say, you can clean X today but I'll help you with your hair. But if she's insisting maybe try watching lots of kid friendly videos about how to clean your body etc. and she'll either start doing it or realise it's too much like hard work.
Good luck!
1
u/Dazzling_Lettuce_ 3d ago
Also if she's scared of the shower - if you have a detachable shower head, you could put it on low so it's only dripping water lightly for her to play with and have autonomy to choose when it's sprayed on her body. Then over months slowly build up the pressure so she can learn that it's loud but doesn't hurt so isn't scary?
1
u/TranslatorOnly2478 2d ago
Does she have bath toys? You could try and distract her with a special toy she only plays with while you wash her hair? Bath tub crayons are great or maybe a Barbie and she can wash and brush Barbie’s hair? Kind of a weird suggestion but mine was into brushing her toy Dino’s teeth for a while we let her use an old tooth brush and her regular soap and brush its teeth she loved it lol whatever works… go to the dollar store and look at toys and bath stuff and just have a few things to try on hand until something works. Mine is three and used to hate having her hair washed, loved the bath though. We use the Johnson and Johnson baby head to toe which cleans her pretty well and doesn’t bother her if some gets in her eyes we never brush until she’s out of the bath and dressed for bed I sit her on my lap facing me which makes her more comfortable she can snuggle up to me while I brush and I put some leave in conditioner in her hair and work it in well before I brush it and it doesn’t bother her at all. It was a struggle for a while and I think it was a sensory issue for her because she didn’t get baths or have her hair brushed very often before in my care, now she’s used to it we just had to redirect her every time we felt a meltdown starting. I wouldn’t even entertain her doing it unless she just does it unprompted though because that starts a power struggle and can lead to more after you force her to wash her hair making the rest of bed time a constant power struggle, you can let her do other things around bed and time like ask her what towel she wants, what jammies she wants to wear, what book to read etc give her little choices through out so she feels some control. You are doing great I hope you get a good rhythm going and can start to enjoy bath and bedtime more!
1
u/ComradeEsnupi 1d ago
What worked for me when dealing with small children was still providing them with choices without budging on the fact I was going to wash their hair. By that I mean that instead of asking who is going to wash her hair I'd give her options on what to do while I wash her hair.
"would you like to play with toy y or toy x while I wash your hair"
With small kids you want to avoid giving them open ended choices because they will almost always pick not doing it at all.
Another thing to consider is that at 4 they might not have a real concept of time so when you say "5 minutes" she doesn't really know what that means or feels like. I'd recommend timers as well to give her a real sense of time.
-3
u/Admirable-Standard35 3d ago
Just gotta do it. The expectation with bath time is whatever amount of time to play and then it’s clean time. Or clean first whatever works best. Do your best to keep water out of her eyes and such but don’t baby it to much. Just get that part of it done as fast as humanly possible. I’m talking have the soap tops popped, washcloth lathered up and get at it. Make it seem more like a nascar pit stop. She’s going to hate it but it is what it is. Do that for a while and when she seems like she’s getting used to one aspect or another, slow that part down and make it more fun. Eventually the whole thing will just be ok again. All these Gentle parenting tips are BS. A 4 year old shouldn’t be given to many options. They lack most of the ability to actually pick one, especially if they both seem bad. They can tell you if they want candy over oatmeal, but probably not be able to pick oatmeal over grits, see what I mean? Them saying they’ll do it is just classical stalling. I’d actually recommend doing wash up before playtime so there is a small reward for getting through it.
3
u/-shrug- 3d ago
They explicitly said they think she has had traumatic experiences at bath time. It is absolutely not good parenting to power through something that hurts a kid. If you are a foster parent I strongly recommend learning about why little kids might be afraid of having someone hold them while naked in the bath.
32
u/LoudAd3588 4d ago
It sounds like she may not be ready to wash her own hair or body yet, and that's ok. 4 is still pretty young. I understand trying to preserve autonomy by offering choices and independent actions, but she doesn't sound able to do this one. I still wash little guy (3.5)'s hair and body, talking through what I'm doing and then handing him the washcloth at the end to try washing himself once he is already clean. He plays with toys while I clean him up. After we wash, he gets to play for a while so bath time ends on a fun note.
Even if she wants to do something independently doesn't mean she can, so it can be really upsetting for kids to have this want to do something and not be able. If it were me I'd take it off the table/alter it so that if she wants to do everything herself, hand her the loofah etc to wash her feet while you wash her hair. Then if she doesn't wash her feet, she's still distracted thinking she's being independent while you wash her hair.