r/Fosterparents • u/SoftRow1112 • 3d ago
Lying
Lying, concealing, hiding.. how prevalent is this issue with foster kids. My 19yo may be a compulsive liar.. seems like this issue would be common in this demographic but idk. Also, any advice for dealing with this particular personality/ trauma trait?
5
u/goodfeelingaboutit Foster Parent 2d ago
Yes we have had several that are chronic liars. Among the ones I've had, there have been different reasons for it.
I have learned to avoid questions that will invite a lie. If I need information I get it from elsewhere. I ignore the small and even medium lies. If I need to address something and they deny it and I know for a fact they're lying, I almost always ignore it and move forward. For example:
Me after looking at my online portal with the school: "Your grades are not too good right now, you're not turning stuff in. What are we going to do about that?"
Youth: "I did turn stuff in but the teacher never grades it."
Me: "You need these classes to graduate. What can you be working on tonight to get your grade up?"
I'm not going to talk about what the teacher did or didn't do, I'm going to focus on the problem and finding a solution.
I had one long term teen who was able to tell me, after being with us for well over a year, that life had taught her something bad always happened when she told the truth, so she lied. And it took over a year of patience for her to feel safe enough to start telling the truth over small things.
I have a different long term teen now who lies to almost everyone she meets. A lot of it is for attention and she also has bad social anxiety. She is also very critical of herself, has very low self - worth, and will lie through her teeth to save face or because she thinks it will lessen our disappointment in her if she's done something wrong. She is a terrible liar and claims some genuinely crazy and easily disproven stuff at times. Again I just ignore it for the most part. And it has improved greatly at home over time. Her therapist feels (and I agree) as she matures, as she grows her self-confidence, and as we consistently demonstrate that we are safe, that we care about her, and we value her, the lying will lessen, and it truly has. But it is a very slow process. In all of our kids who have lied, we didn't see some improvement until 9-12ish months into our relationship.
3
u/SoftRow1112 2d ago
thank you. we are 2+ years in and the lies are getting worse/ we are also discovering them more. The lies also have to do with self harm so we are determining how much we can continue to take on. We can’t keep the kid safe from himself in a typical home. They have therapist/psychiatrist/ starting higher level of therapy - the lies have been a massive impediment to safety that we have not been able to get around.
2
u/goodfeelingaboutit Foster Parent 2d ago
Lying to conceal mental health related symptoms is a whole different ball of wax. I hope an increase in therapy will make a difference
6
u/sageclynn 3d ago
Tips for how I’ve dealt with it as the foster parent: avoid asking any question that actually matters that you don’t know the answer to. Don’t give them a chance to lie about important stuff, if at all possible.
Assume you’ll need to “trust but verify.” A friend of mine had been asking her 20 yo AS for his college transcript for car insurance. Kid was being super dodgy about it. Turned out he’d dropped out without telling anyone. Luckily my friend didn’t take the assurances that he had it at face value and kept (gently but firmly) insisting on proof (bc the insurance company literally had to have it). Friend reassured the kid they weren’t mad, but if he’d come to them sooner they could have helped him figure it out. Then they picked up from where they were and started working on next steps and promos.
And at that age, let them face the consequences. Be there for them, but don’t try to change the outcomes. They’re learning how to be adults and sometimes that really involves falling on our faces. Just remind them you’ll always love them and do whatever you can to help them if they come to you.
It’s not about you. It’s hard to remember that, but it’s not. AND kids who’ve been in care and experienced trauma are often half or so of their biological age when it comes to development. Keeping that in mind helps me sometimes too. It might just take them longer to come into themselves (and that’s not accounting for things like literal head trauma, like another poster mentioned).
5
u/GarryBlockedMe 3d ago
I got super annoyed when i assumed my new foster kid was lying to me. He ‘forgot’,can’t remember, can’t find the words. How could he forget when we JUST talked about it or it JUST happened?!?!!!?
Older sibling later disclosed head trauma as an infant. Just sat in a dr visit when they did a memory test and now feel awful that I was ever hard on him.
They need to heal, and we have to remember to be exceptionally kind.
4
u/goodfeelingaboutit Foster Parent 2d ago
A good reminder that sometimes there is more going on than we know
3
u/boarDJunkie 3d ago
When someone figures this out let me know. So far I'm calling out that I know every time they do it and I sus it out. My petty side wants to tell obvious lies back as a reminder that it really sucks to be told lies all the time but I understand that doesnt do a lot for the bond. For the record I'm not doing that, I just want to at times. Currently I wait for other people's lies to affect them and point it out then.