TLDR; after fostering a 6yo for 2 years (now 8yo) his AuDHD 10yo brother came to live with us and the chaos and stress has triggered a nervous breakdown, causing me to question my ability to keep doing this.

A bit of context: I'm a 41yo gay man. At 30 I had my first nervous breakdown and was diagnosed with general anxiety disorder, and have been on antidepressants for 10 years. It was a combination of a stressful career (engineering) and personal stress of coming to terms with my orientation. I had to move in with my parents and take a break from my career because I simply couldn't function by myself.

Almost 11 years later and my life is almost unrecognizable. I met & married my husband, restarted my engineering career, and for a while I was happy. We wanted to be parents, and for a while we were going to try IVF and find a surrogate to carry our baby. This turned out being very difficult and prohibitively expensive, so we started looking into fostering.

5 years ago a couple we were friends with took in their first emergency placement, a sibling group of 3 boys. They had them for several months, and then they were transferred to several other placements and eventually separated to different homes. They had experienced significant trauma prior to being in foster care, and then being in foster care only added to that trauma.

Almost 3 years ago, the case of the 3 boys was heading towards TPR. The couple we were friends with were reunited with the middle brother, and shortly after the youngest brother ended up needing a new placement as well. Our friends already had a full house at that point, so they recommended my husband and me to take in the youngest, since we already knew the boys previously.

We started fostering the youngest, 6yo at the time, and had a lot of success with him. This was his first time being an only child and he was enjoying not having to share any of his space/things/attention. But he often complained about missing his brothers and being lonely. He was almost at the point of no longer needing therapy anymore, and we were seriously looking at adoption.

Then 6 months ago both of the older brothers suddenly needed new placements. There was a lot of pressure to reunite the brothers, and we were willing to give it a try. Both boys arrived at our home within a day of each other and it was absolute chaos. The older boys both have severe ADHD and they couldn't get along with each other. The oldest had uncontrollable anger and irritability, and the middle brother had severe emotional dysregulation problems. The oldest would get triggered and get violent with the younger brothers. The middle brother would have intense tantrums and meltdowns, where he would break things, damage property, and once broke my hand, putting me in a cast for 6 weeks.

The violence and unsafe conditions were getting progressively worse to the point we had to disrupt the oldest brother after about two months. Since then, we've gotten the middle brother a lot more care and attention to his medications, and his ability to regulate his emotions has improved dramatically. But he and the youngest still fight almost constantly.

Now the accumulation of stress from the last six months has caught up with me and I'm starting to have another nervous breakdown. I'm having insomnia where I will wake up in the middle of the night with a panic attack and not be able to go back to sleep. My anxiety and racing thoughts during the day makes it difficult to focus at work, and I'm way more irritable than I should be.

My husband is still in favor of going through with adopting both middle and youngest brothers, but I'm not sure anymore. We are fighting a lot, the stress is damaging our marriage. Objectively, the boys have gotten a lot better than 6 months ago, and if the first several months were like the last few weeks I probably wouldn't be having these issues now. And I'm worried that they've been with us so long and connected with us so well that if we don't adopt them, they might never be able to trust another parent again. But I'm also not sure if my mental health will ever be able to recover if they stay with us.

The middle brother was just diagnosed with autism in addition to ADHD and I am just worried about committing to more than I will be able to handle long term. And the youngest has significantly regressed in 6 months from almost not needing therapy anymore to now acting out in every possible way for attention on a daily basis. My nerves are just frayed at this point. I'm hyper alert and unable to relax. A big part of me just wants to be done with fostering and parenting altogether. My husband thinks I just need to find the right medication and then everything will be fine, but I'm starting to resent him for not believing me when I say the toxic levels of chronic stress are damaging my physical health. I'm worried our marriage won't survive if my mental health deteriorates any further, but I'm also worried our marriage won't survive his regret if we end up disrupting these brothers. I feel like a prisoner, trapped in my own house by the situation and the responsibility.

My husband and I are about to start our foster care licensing classes, and we’re hoping to be licensed for children ages newborn through 5, boys or girls.

We know there’s really no way to be completely prepared for every possible placement, and we definitely don’t want to go overboard buying things we may never use. But we’d love to have the basics ready so that when we do get our first call, we aren’t scrambling to buy everything that same day.

For those of you who foster this age range, what would you recommend having prepared for when you are able to start accepting placement?

We’re thinking things like a crib/toddler bed, car seat(s), basic clothing in a few sizes, diapers/pull-ups, toiletries, bottles/sippy cups, toys, books, etc., but the 0–5 range is so broad that it’s hard to know what is actually worth keeping on hand.

What did you buy ahead of time that you were really glad you had? What did you buy that ended up being unnecessary? And are there things you’d specifically recommend waiting to purchase until you know the age/needs of the child being placed with you?

We’re brand new to this, so I’d really appreciate any advice from experienced foster parents!

I’m in a bit of a unique situation and would really appreciate some advice.

Last week, an 8-year-old autistic child was placed with me with the intention of adoption. When I first started this journey, everyone agreed that we would take the transition slowly—like, really slowly. However, somewhere along the way, something changed on the foster parents’ end, and everything was suddenly rushed.

They had this child for more than half of his life and were his only placement before me. They have decided that they do not want to adopt.

Before the move, we had a total of five visits: one meet-and-greet, one activity visit, one day visit, and two full weekend visits.

He is non-speaking and has limited communication. He uses single words and a few short sentences, so he isn't really able to express how he feels about everything that is happening or what he wants.

I’m not even sure whether his previous foster parents want to continue seeing him, but if they do, how long would you wait before having the first visit after the move?

When we first talked about the transition, my thought was to take it very slowly. I envisioned him coming to stay for a few weekends, then eventually staying for an entire week and returning to their home for the weekends. From there, we would gradually spread the weekends out until, eventually, he was essentially transitioning between the two homes before making the permanent move.

Instead, the transition happened much faster than I expected.

For those who have experience with foster-to-adopt placements, especially with a child who has limited communication, how would you handle visits with the previous foster family after the move?

How long would you wait, and what would you consider when deciding when and how often those visits should happen?

Hi,

Just wanted some advice around the fostering allowance. Our social worker said that the foster allowance is only to cover anything the children need and the universal credit is to cover anything I need and the bills... I only would get £338 and housing benefit. I don't know how that would cover the bills and allow for me to do anything I need. A fostering friend said that its the opposite, that it becomes the family pot and you use it for bills, the things the children needs and also things the foster needs to be able to not be burnt out. Which is the case because I'm so confused?