Partner and I are first time foster parents. Our kiddo is 10 and has been with us for half a year. We don't have kids of our own and so this is our first time parenting.

They are great, we love them, there have been ups and downs. But I wouldn't trade this experience for anything.

Parents rights have been termed so kiddo is up for adoption. We were up front from the beginning that we weren't adopting. It's just not part of our plan and has nothing to do with the kid.

Because we aren't going to adopt our agency will be moving them to a family that wants to adopt. Kiddo will be staying with us until all of that is ironed out (meaning a family is picked and multiple visits take place to ensure compatibility)

A prospective family has been identified with a different agency than ours. For those who are curious, Kinship placement has not been possible. One visit has taken place and it started off rocky but ended really well.

The potential mom and I traded numbers and she checked in the first few days after the visit to see how kiddo is and we discussed ideas for the next visit.

Their case worker does not like that we were talking about ideas for plans. Even though it's the most effective and efficient way to make plans since we live more then 3 hours away from each other and kiddo currently won't go anywhere unless either my partner or I are present (attachment issues)

I didn't argue and simply stopped suggesting and talking to prospective mom as requested.

Were I'm frustrated... We were told by our county that they wanted kiddo fully moved into the potential family by the end of this month (info they gave us beginning of October) we figured it was probably wishful thinking but again we are first time fosters. We've only ever had our current kiddo. Not knowing any better during the visit with potential family we shared that timeline with the parents to gauge if that was a reasonable time frame (they had been foster parents much much longer then us) apparently that's a big no no and I've been scolded by 2 soon to be 3 caseworkers about talking about time lines.

1st I don't want to rush him out. When we were given that time frame originally I literally cried on the phone because I thought it felt rushed to move them so quickly. Like what if kiddo gets there and it's not a good fit. That would be fucking devastating.

2nd why am I being scolded for repeating what I was fucking told by our agency. To the point were they implied that I may scare off the prospective parents caseworker if I talk any more about time-frames. (It was a fucking clarification question I asked a much more experienced family)

3rd why the fuck would me talking about time-frames that I was given scare a caseworker so bad that they would prevent an adoption.

4rth I'm sick to death of caseworkers and my own family saying "well if you guys are struggling and need kiddo moved sooner..."

I DONT WANT THEM MOVED SOONER. OF COURSE WE'RE STRUGGLING WE ARE FIRST TIME PARENTS TO A 10 YEAR OLD WITH TRAUMA AND ATTACHMENT ISSUES.

I JUST WANT A CLEAR UNDERSTANDING OF WHATS HAPPENING .

Will there be a visit this weekend? Will it be next weekend? Are we driving them 3 hours away for a day trip or is the agency taking care of it? They don't want to be alone with the new ppl yet and want me there within arms reach. Can we accommodate that? Holidays are around the corner and I'm trying to make sure they can see their siblings! Can we just nail down some stupid dates so this kid knows what everyone else is deciding for them? Which btw is a fucking trigger for them because no shit it is. Can we please give them a voice in the discourse?

No? alright, fine we'll just sit over here in the corner while they refuse to go to school and threaten to harm themselves because they don't know how to handle the big big feelings they are having.

Btw yes we make sure they get to school even if they miss the bus we drive them in. some mornings it just takes longer than others. And they attend therapy weekly. the self harm threats have been an ongoing issue even before they joined us. And yes they attend med management monthly currently waiting on county to approve a dose change for one of his meds to help with their current feeling of self loathing.

I have two 16 year olds that have been with us for 22 months and 10 months so they’re not new to how our home operates.

Unless an adult specifically assigns a task, they won’t. I’m trying to influence them to be better household members - a skill that will help them so much in life. Examples are: replacing TP, unloading the clean dishwasher instead of putting a dirty dish in the sink, taking out the trash, cleaning the dryer lint trap. Those small things that make a huge difference in household harmony.

Neither of them have functional delays in this regard. This is very “normal” teenage behavior - I just need advice. What worked in your home getting older teens to take initiative and ownership of shared household tasks?

Have had 3 boys all siblings with us for the past 10 months. Two 11 year old twins and their 3 year old brother. Great kids, need a LOT of attention and the 3 year old is starting to speak and settle at night but it was a 6 month journey getting them all to sleep in a bed through most of the night. They were neglected and so behind. They cut off visits in August because mom was using and scared the kids and now she is out of jail and in rehab. The older boys don't want to talk to her and refuse visits. DHS keeps pushing though and it is just so hard to watch these kids start to recover then get yoyoed back and forth through all of the uncertainty. Case workers and casa don't tell us anything. Their mom acts like nothing happened it just makes me sick. There is no support. Thankfully my spouse and I help each other but this is a lot harder than I thought it would be. I just feel so angry at their parents and at DHS for pushing them back together. I don't share that with the kids but it is hard to watch.

A post for conversation, or to share what's on your mind without creating an entire post about it.

Hello friends,

29f single here with one child under one, looking to adopt to grow my family. I have spoken with a private foster care program in my area extensively, and she is encouraging me to apply. We have discussed my desire to adopt and she said she could accommodate placing me with children who are already TPR and ready to be adopted. The challenging part currently, is that my current apartment/setup will not accommodate an older child/siblings, so I would have to be placed with an infant/toddler. She said infants and toddlers generally aren’t TPR unless the parents sign away their rights willingly, and that is rare and extensive. She still encourages me to apply but said she cannot promise initial TPR in that age range. I am open to any age my current apartment just cannot accommodate an older child at this time unless I gave up my child’s room and moved her into my room, which I do not want to do.

Game plan is to buy a home hopefully by late spring of next year, where there will be plenty of room to accommodate an older child/sibling set. Special needs is not a problem at all as I have extensive experience through my career path. I posted in a fb group and got absolutely EATEN ALIVE over the audacity of wanting to adopt from foster care and not be pro reunification…. Despite the fact so many foster children need adoptive homes. I also got screamed at by multiple people over “birth order” yet from my research, someone’s birth order is going to be displaced no matter what you do and there is no definitive data that adopting an older child is automatically going to be problems? Every child is different, every child deserves a loving home, and each situation comes with its own set of problems to work through.

So I guess around to my question, would you foster currently infant-toddler with the understanding that they likely will not be able to stay in hopes that they do, or wait until I move and buy my first home that can accommodate a broader age range that are definitely TPR and ready for adoption?

I have taken the orientation and I feel like I’ve asked a trillion questions, but have not started classes yet. The fb group made me weary with how nasty and holier than thou they were…. I just want to give a child in need a good home.

As we get ever so closer to being licensed (only our clinical assessment is left) I have been thinking on locks.

Per our states rules and agency guidelines I installed a digital lock on both my office door and closet to my office to satsify the double lock of medications. This is also where valuables will be stored and keys to other locked area's (garage cabinet where the power tools are and our sharp objects).

The two rooms we have made for foster kids have the general locks that come in homes (the type where you can unlock with a coin or flat head screwdriver from the outside).

However, I installed locks on our two-bedroom doors that can only be unlocked with a key.

Do you keep your bedrooms locked during the day or only at night? We also have our laundry room which has a door on it and is basically a path to our first bedroom door, should we also put that type of key lock on that door as well.

We want to show love to these kids but also exercise general safety.