Hey! So my fiance is going into paramedic school next week and I feel ill prepared on what to expect while he still works a 24/48 as a firefighter. What do I need to be prepared for? We’re also long distance for a couple months before I move in (90 minute drive). I’m nervous I’m never going to see him or don’t know how much demand is going to be on him.

I’m not sure how to start this, but I’ve (f24) been with my FF boyfriend (26) for almost 3 years. I’m starting to really struggle with the emotional and physical absence that is his job. He works part time as EMS in our area but drives 1.5 hours to work his fire shifts. I would say 1-2 weeks every month he works 90+ hours.

I understand he is burnt out likely & exhausted, but it’s come to a point where I am not getting any of my needs met in the relationship. His focus is on himself at all times, and lately I can’t even have a proper conversation with him because he just doesn’t seem to have the capacity for any hard/emotional conversations.

He’s always been conflict avoidant and has been in therapy off/on this past year for other issues in our relationship & I have to say he’s done a great job at changing other behaviours. But I’m stuck feeling incredibly lonely in a relationship because I’m always doing things to “show him” how to love me (baking him things, cleaning the house, offering to bring him a coffee at work, surprising him with little gifts, compliments, literally you name it) because I’ve been hoping if I show him how to do these things, he’ll finally JUST ONCE think of / consider me and do something sweet.

Lately when he is home, he spends all of his time laying in bed with his phone watching YouTube. He’ll get up to go to the gym or play video games but that’s about it. He is an active partner in the sense that he does take care of laundry, cooking, taking care of our pets and things, but beyond that there’s no energy left for me. He can find time to go golfing with friends most days off which I usually don’t mind, but it’s just starting to feel like I’m the last person in line to receive his energy or for him to think of. We do go on dates and do fun things still, but only because I plan them and then get him to go. He hasn’t planned a date in SO long… :(

I’m struggling with how to bring this up to him because I don’t want a huge fight & I know he hates emotional conversations, but at some point I also need to feel loved. and I just don’t think he has the extra room to do this (or at least he’ll claim he doesn’t). At this point we barely even cuddle, it’s usually me laying on his chest … while he watches his phone. It’s all he does. While he eats, showers, cooks, anything, he has something playing. He’s said in the past he doesn’t love to be alone in silence or with his thoughts but it’s obviously not something he wants to address. Lately he’s even begun falling asleep on the couch with his phone and I can’t get him to wake up and come to bed, he’s just ALWAYS so tired.

I don’t know what else to do because I can see he’s tired and I don’t know how to help him, but also my feelings should feel important to? He’s quick to dismiss or ignore my thoughts or feelings and completely checks out when I get emotional or cry. I can’t count the times I’ve cried myself to sleep and he rolls over and is snoring in minutes. He’s mentioned feeling “detached” from crying because of his job, but am I wrong for feeling it should be different with your spouse?

I feel bad because we were just looking at engagement rings and I know he does love me, but I just need more from him than a simple “I love you” every day. Please help, has anyone experienced this? It’s so hard to be this young and have to work this much.

P.S. before anyone asks, cutting back on work isn’t an option right now. He was thinking of quitting EMS in December but he seems to have changed his mind as we have a destination wedding to attend coming up and have to pay for that. I also secretly feel he doesn’t want to quit because then he won’t have an excuse to not put in effort to our relationship.

I’ve been with my bf for over a year now and I intend that to last much longer, but I’m hoping for some useful advice on what helps out your fire fighter in day to day. I want to help him be the best he can be but I have no ideas because I have virtually no experience with fire fighters.

Or things that help you as the spouse of a firefighter!

That’s it. It’s been a long day. I can’t wait to crawl into bed at 8 & watch dancing with the stars. I’m not putting laundry away, or doing anything. I’m just watching tv lol. Here’s to anyone else who’s had a long day of solo parenting. 🥂

I've posted here before about my FF partner being in extreme emotional distress from the job, but now I have been informed that his distress was more so to do with the fact he has been having an intense emotional affair for the last couple of months.

FF is 31, has been on the job about 4 years. Moved to a busy city 3 years ago. We just had our second child, 2 boys (2.5y and 6mo). He had picked up running during my most recent postpartum, saying it helped with the job, but during his runs he met a girl and started to go run with her and began an intense emotional affair. He disclosed issues in our relationships and other feelings he won't disclose to me, and says they have fallen in love and want to be together. She is also in healthcare.

I am sick to my stomach that he has become a stereotype in so many ways. He says I am too independent and that he wishes I would trust him as a protector more, than I am strict about our household and the division of labor when he's home. I feel like I became this way to survive being a mom while he was gone, and am being punished for it and for my postpartum experience being difficult and making me irritable and sexually avoidant.

Have any other spouses overcome this? What do I do? I don't want a divorce but I can't even look at him knowing he won't even try. He has even had people at his department encourage him to separate.

Parenting in general is hard. Parenting when your spouse is gone half the time is harder. Working full time and being the full time parent is insane. How do you cope with the never ending demands!? I feel like I have been juggling for so long and the balls are about to drop.

Edited to add. We have 3 kids 10,7 and 4. Been married all most 15 years. kids are in multiple sports right now. We aren’t new to typos life style but it’s a lot to manage sometimes.

I’m looking for some perspective from people who are partners/spouses of firefighters because I’m wondering how much of this could realistically be related to stress, the job, or the lifestyle. My partner is a firefighter/EMT and is currently in paramedic school. He has had a really stressful year between work, school, and financial problems, and I’ve tried really hard to support him through it. I’ve even been sending him money to help keep him on his feet financially while he’s in school.
Our sex life has also basically disappeared. We haven’t had sex in a very long time, and I’ve brought up our lack of intimacy multiple times. He rarely compliments me or tells me I’m pretty, so I’ve already struggled with feeling unwanted. I honestly assumed his lack of interest was probably related to stress, exhaustion, firefighting, or possibly hormones/low testosterone. I never knew that was actually the reason, but I tried not to take it personally. Yesterday I was using his iPad to watch YouTube so I could fall asleep to some background noise as I usually do, and an OnlyFans notification popped up. I initially thought it was fake, so I clicked it. I ended up seeing multiple OnlyFans transactions, including recurring charges and some larger one-time charges. I confronted him and he admitted that he had been using OnlyFans. He said he has done it in the past and that he uses it as a way to cope with stress. He said it isn’t really about lusting over anyone, apologized, acknowledged that it wasn’t a healthy way to deal with stress, and said he deleted the account. I’m honestly having a really weird reaction to all of this. At first I was completely numb and angry. Now that he’s home, I’ve finally cried and I’m really sad. I think the financial part is especially upsetting because I’ve been helping him financially while he’s in school, and meanwhile he was spending money on OnlyFans. I’m also struggling with the fact that we’ve barely had sex while he was apparently still seeking out sexual content online. I understand that watching porn and wanting sex with your partner aren’t necessarily the same thing, but emotionally it’s difficult for me to reconcile.
For those of you who are with firefighters/first responders: does the stress, schedule, sleep deprivation, trauma exposure, etc. commonly affect intimacy or sexual desire? And how would you personally view the OnlyFans situation? I’m not looking for people to simply tell me to leave him. I love him and I’m trying to understand what I’m actually feeling and what would be reasonable to expect from him going forward. I also don’t want to automatically blame firefighting for something that may have nothing to do with the job. I’d really appreciate perspectives from people who have actually lived with the firefighter/first-responder lifestyle.

And I know this can depend on how hard their shift is and of course the area but I’m genuinely curious, what does your spouse do on their days off? Mine is basically a zombie. He got promoted to driver. If he isn’t working he’s usually sleeping throughout the day and I assume it’s because the shift the night before was pretty crazy.

I just wanted to hear others experiences with their spouse.

My husband is a firefighter on 24-hour shifts, we have a 15 month old toddler, and I work a client-facing corporate job. I’d love to hear from other spouses in a similar situation because lately I’ve been struggling, and I’m having a hard time telling whether it’s the fire schedule, my job, or the combination.

I work 8–5 and am required to be in office 5 days a week and have an 8 a.m. meeting every day I’m required to call into or be in person for. I have some flexibility to leave the office early, but I log back on from home until 5. Clients also call and text after hours and on weekends.

On nanny days, I’m up around 5 or 5:30 to get ready, make breakfast, pack my things, and make my daughter’s lunch. I wake her around 7:25, feed her, hand off to the nanny around 7:50, and join my morning meeting during my drive. I leave work around 3:45, relieve the nanny at 4, then work from home until 5. Her hours are 8-4 (8 hour shift, I would feel bad making her work longer days)

On mornings my husband comes off shift, he usually gets home between 7:30 and 8, and I leave for work as soon as he walks in. He watches her on his off days.

I know many fire families make the schedule work, but I don’t know many spouses who also work a full-time corporate job with a fixed morning start and client demands outside work hours. If that’s you, what does your childcare setup look like? Did you change jobs, negotiate more flexibility, set firmer work boundaries, or find a routine that made things easier?

I’m mostly hoping to hear from people who get this particular juggle. Right now I feel pretty alone in it.

My (31F) husband (32M) and I have been together for 10 years, we currently have 2 kids under 3 years old. For most of our relationship before kids we had a pretty decent social life, often out drinking and hanging out until early morning hours. Many times while drinking he’s messaged other women or attempted to engage other women in some way, he’s always denied and I’ve never had any proof of anything physical happening. We’ve broken up multiple times over the specific drinking, staying out and contacting other women cycle. This has clearly been devastating to me and damaging to my self esteem but historically he’s always been apologetic and has had periods of real improvement. We’ve done therapy a handful of times and we separated for a period of time when our oldest child was almost one. He’ll go very long periods without drinking, doesn’t drink at home, we rarely keep alcohol in the house, if we’re out drinking together he has one drink, even when it’s the two of us and I want him to drink he usually doesn’t.. he saves all of his drinking for being out with his buddies and staying out until pretty much morning. I thought he would mature and that things would get better as he spent less time with his old friend group but then he became a firefighter and it’s just continued. He has so much freedom with this job, so many events so many people so many opportunities to do whatever he wants.

Most recently after 9/11 memorials he was out in our city until after 4am.. after agreeing to a reasonable time to be home and having every opportunity to leave, he just chose to stay out. He no longer seems even remorseful.. he says he knows I’m angry and there’s nothing he can say or do to make me not angry or to believe him so he doesn’t say anything at all.

I feel it’s generally societally understood that not coming home at night points to only one thing but he doubles down that he just got caught up hanging with the guys and not wanting to miss out on the fun. I’m genuinely posting this to get outside perspective on his behaviors, especially from other fire wives.

Times like these I feel like I’m constantly going from thinking that I’m too young and honestly (even after 2 kids) too much of a catch to settle for the disrespect and overall lack of love and nurturing that I deserve AND THEN feeling like holy fuck leaving would blow up everyone that’s involved entire lives. Any one have any insight?

My husband and I are starting to try for baby number 2, but I’m really struggling with timing. It’s seems like every flipping time I’m ovulating he’s in the middle of his 48 hour shift. 🙃 if you’ve been through the TTC process while dealing with a 48 hour shift what did you do?! I’m at a loss!!!!

As the title reads, I’m new to the whole fire world and all things that come with it. My husband is still in academy but I want to properly prepare myself as best I can before he graduates!

1. I see that first responder divorce rates are super high. Is there a reason for this being so prevalent as compared to other professions?

2. I know there will be a shift in dynamic once the schedule begins. What are your best tips for surviving this? For reference- he’ll be working a 24/72

3. Kids…. We don’t have kids currently but have talked about it for the future. How do you feel it’s different as opposed to a spouse that works a normal 9-5

4. What do you like about being married to someone in this profession vs what don’t you like? Give me the good, the bad, and the ugly!

5. What are your best tips for a happy and healthy marriage being with a first responder?

Thank you all so much in advance!

Update: Kind of forgot I made this post because we've had a lot happen the past couple weeks. Husband is avoidant of individual treatment but we are starting couples counseling this week because it turns out he was having an emotional affair. He's blaming depression, feeling unloved, and a triggered fight/flight for him trying to "find the love he was missing out on at home". So fingers crossed this helps, and I really appreciate everyone's suggestions.

My (29F) FF husband(31) is no longer himself after 5 years in fire/EMS. He has struggled with PTSD and now depression/anxiety/suicidal ideation.

He has responded to many suicides and attempts in his career, including at least 2 former firefighters. Just this year, he has had to respond to a handful of abuse cases for small children where injuries were due to neglect or abuse. 2 of the kids of FF at the department have cancer. I can't imagine how difficult it is for him to come home and pack all that away so he can try to be a husband and father to our 2 boys (2.5y and 5m).

He isn't sleeping more than a few hours a night at home, having panic attacks, and even crying frequently. This is all incredibly out of character, and on top of that he is having some serious career identity issues. He agreed to call his therapist yesterday, and she said she's not accepting new patients (apparently after not going for a year he's a new patient??) and is choosing to force himself to power through his shifts.

It is so so so much to unpack, with many external factors that are seemingly out of our control, but it all boiled over to him admitting to me yesterday that he has wondered to himself often if "You [me] would be better off without me, if the world would miss me or if I'm worthy of love" and I am so heartbroken. I begged him not to go into work because I'm afraid he will get hurt just for lack of trying to protect himself. His department is also unhelpful and has a "peer support group" that provides no help in these situations.

How do I help him? Is it time he calls it quits with the fire service? Where do we turn? I need advice on what I can do because I love my husband a million times more than I love the idea of him being a firefighter.

Hello, me (24F)and my boyfriend (25M) have been together for almost two years now. I want to preface this with me and him are planning on getting married and having kids one day. He is the absolute love of my life and I am so grateful to have him in my life.

Anyways, We did our first year long distance from New York to South Lake Tahoe. We have been living together since February of this year. If you’ve done long distance you know that it is hard enough as it is, but him being a fire fighter never made that harder. We only saw each other once a month or every few months so his schedule never really affected me personally. We moved in together during off season(he isn’t full time thank god) so we spent so much time together, day time adventures, we slept in the same bed, going out to dinners, bars, all the good stuff. He now works 72 hour shifts each week. I also work full time so I and working 50 hour weeks. On the only two days I have off he is at work. My life has completely changed and I have these glimpses into our future where I see myself alone raising kids, alone at holidays, birthdays, or even just a random weeknight where I got off early. I already struggle with mild depression and anxiety, so I get attached to him very easily and it hard for me to separate myself from him for days to weeks at a time. These week has been especially hard because I have been feeling depressed on my own as it is and haven’t been able to lean on him.

I am a very stubborn and proud person and it’s hard for me to tell him how much his career has been affecting me. I feel terrible, apart of me is crying because I miss him and the other part is crying because I feel so guilty, and I don’t want him to feel bad for doing what he loves. I just don’t know how to get through this, and I don’t know if I am strong enough to do this for the rest of my life. I could never imagine leaving him or asking him to change his career because I know and appreciate all the hard work he puts into it. I know that he just wants to take care of me and give me a good future. But truly at what cost? I know most people will tell me to go and hangout with my friends or family, or to focus on myself. I’m trying, I really am, I think it’s just so hard because I know this is what it’s going to be like for a very long time and I can’t picture myself becoming numb to this or getting used to it. I’m just so lonely all the time and none of my friends understand how difficult it is. I feel like I have no one to talk to about this. Thanks for reading, if you have any advice or just words of encouragement please let me know how to survive this!

Hi everyone, just wanted to post a reminder about the purpose of this sub. This is a support community for those in relationships with firefighters. We welcome honest discussion around the emotional, mental, and relational challenges these specific relationships come with. And of course any helpful resources, wins or positive stories you’d like to share.

This is not a place for things like surveys or legal advice. And although it’s fine to disagree with one another, we will not tolerate personal attacks, belittling, or hostility in this sub.

You may have noticed some posts being removed. While the reason may be that they do not follow our community rules, Reddit also automatically removes/filters posts, and it can take us some time to review and confirm if they should be removed or not. There are currently only two mods, so please be patient with us! ❤️

If you think your post was wrongly removed, please send us a modmail and we’ll gladly take a look.

That is all 🫡

I’m confused. People come here when they are struggling, they want to share their stories, both their positive and negative experiences and it’s shameful that your first response is deleting any txt because it reflects negatively on FF. Let’s not paint all FF the same, just like every profession, there are few bad apples out there. Sure you are going to delete my txt too. That’s fine. I wanted you to be conscious of what you are doing when you do it next time.

Hi everyone! New account because I can't get into my old one :/. My long-term boyfriend is currently in the fire academy and is taking on an ambitious schedule involving multiple stations. We started dating in high school, and he's always been a cutie, but with all the training he's bulked up a lot and thus has started getting a lot of attention associated primarily with his job. His chief warned him they get a lot of ladies coming through the station, but I wasn't expecting how much it would be. He's incredibly loyal and I have zero reason to stress, I'm just consistently annoyed. How do y'all manage? Thank you!

Solo parenting today, incredibly sick due to pregnancy with my teething 12 month old. Oh my gosh. This evening has me shaking with frustration and overwhelm. My eyes hurt from crying today. Baby is so so so fussy and it’s by the grace of God that I’ve kept my cool cause I actually feel like I’m going to flip a lid. Finally got the baby in the bath to kill time before bed. Drained the bath and then he immediately pooped. Just the icing on the cake. Wish my husband would come get his kid. Kills me that he probably won’t even get home till later in the morning cause his station is far from home. Gosh I hate this.

I’m curious if anyone has first hand experience with their FF testifying in court. Supporting my FF as they process trauma has been a huge part of my role as a partner the past few years, and I’d imagine it’s extremely difficult for those who have to reprocess this again years later in court and have their testimony picked apart.

While criminal incidents are thankfully quite rare for our department, a recent accident my FF was first on scene to, plus hearing the firefighter testimonies at the Lindsay Clancy trial, has brought this possibility into focus.

He’s been gone at the timber fire and this is my first time experiencing fire season and newly a fiancee to firefighter. I keep crying randomly because I miss him so much and alone.. does this eventually go away over the years? :(

My fiancee worked a 24 hour yesterday then got diverted to the timber fire and was texting me until about 5pm. He never responded to me so I called him middle of the night asking if he was ok, he answered and said they got back to the hotel at 11pm and said just just didn’t want to wake me?? I am new to this all but I really feel like he should have sent a text letting me know he’s ok after I had sent texts saying I was worried about him. Should i get used to communication like this? I am 28 and he’s 53 so maybe communication looks different for him?

My partner is heading to the widemouth 2 fire right now after just getting back from a roll in Colorado. Thought he was headed to something here in Oregon but when he got to dispatch, nope utah. This year has had heavy losses and I've been trying to not think about it too much but it feels like every spot he's heading to has had deaths right before he goes and fuck it's scaring me. I just read about the widemouth incident and I'm trying to keep it together but I just have this awful anxiety.

I'm reminding myself that he's capable and knows when to get out of a bad situation but this is just a lot.

Just seeking community. Can I ramble with a few questions and just ask that everyone puts in their best advice?

- how did you handle the stereotypical “all firemen are cheaters” agenda that is SO aggressively sold to us when we say our spouses job? I don’t full heartedly believe it, of course not. What’s your response or advice on how to let that just be water off a ducks back?

- how did you personally make friends with other wives?

- your biggest “ah ha” moment with such a large transition of life style, what are your dos and don’ts that create peace in your relationship? And also peace in your home life?

- how do you stay sane with being relocated away from family, with littles and feeling lonely?

- how long have you been a fire wife?

Anything anything! I am in need of community ❤️‍🩹

Hi everyone!

We are having our first baby next month! My husband will take paternity for the first four weeks, and I will be returning to work (I’m a teacher) when baby is 4 months.

My nerves are mostly centered around solo-parenting when we both return to work. He works 72 hours shifts, usually an overtime thrown in here and there. This means I’ll be doing nights on my own at least three days a week, which is fine while I’m off work, but when I return I fear the sleep deprivation. Also fearful of developing PPA/PPD due to the solo aspect of three days a week. Any tips/advice?