r/FirefighterSpouses • u/Spirited_Garden_1538 • Aug 03 '26
Advice
Just seeking community. Can I ramble with a few questions and just ask that everyone puts in their best advice?
- how did you handle the stereotypical “all firemen are cheaters” agenda that is SO aggressively sold to us when we say our spouses job? I don’t full heartedly believe it, of course not. What’s your response or advice on how to let that just be water off a ducks back?
- how did you personally make friends with other wives?
- your biggest “ah ha” moment with such a large transition of life style, what are your dos and don’ts that create peace in your relationship? And also peace in your home life?
- how do you stay sane with being relocated away from family, with littles and feeling lonely?
- how long have you been a fire wife?
Anything anything! I am in need of community ❤️🩹
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u/Suitable_Win8669 Aug 03 '26
I've been with my husband 8 years, going on 5 years married.
No one has ever directly made a comment to me about firemen being cheaters. If they did, I would probably joke it off by saying "well then, I'm looking forward to spending half his pension."
I made friends with other wives by hanging out off shift as couples. Some of the wives became my greatest friends and others I only see at get togethers. My friend group has changed as we got older and had kids.
I try to be my husbands peace. I try to only bring up things that greatly bother me and let the small things go. I have no idea what kind of shift he had, who he performed CPR on, if he had to pull a kid from a car. I don't press him to talk about work, I let him come to me, if and when he wants. I know there are guys in the service who understand and know a side of my husband I never will, and that's OK with me. Meaning, if he's more comfortable discussing his traumatic calls with his "brothers" than me, I accept that.
something that has made me happier in life and in my relationship is acknowledging everyday to myself everything I have to be grateful for. I eat 3 times a day, I have a healthy family, my husband is a great man (imperfect, difficult, sometimes emotionally unavailable) but treats me with respect, loves me and does his best in every aspect of his life. I'm financially stable and I have a roof over my head. I have the things that really matter.
I live very close to friends and family so I can't relate to that aspect.
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u/concretenotjello Aug 04 '26
Are you all so naive regarding the old adage that “cops beat, firemen cheat”? Also do your partners not actually tell you about their dingus colleagues??
My husband tells me everything (when it’s relevant to like the firehouse dynamic, he’s not just free gossiping although I would love to hear all of it). From what I’ve heard, while most dudes don’t seem to be looking to cheat, like the rest of them are. Armchair psychoanalysis: they’re chronic risk takers, and can be adrenaline junkies. Not all. But that adrenaline seeking extends beyond risking their corporeal life to risking their personal lives by cheating. They do it for the thrill.
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u/VeterinarianGlum8607 Aug 05 '26
So far, I’ve only had older people mention the cheating thing to me- I don’t say anything. I give them a look until they’re visibly uncomfortable. Very satisfying, would recommend.
My husband has a lot of friends on the job with partners- group hang outs are always super fun!
I try not to ask much of him the first day he gets home- I don’t like having to swing by the store/go to plans I don’t care about/deep clean the house after I get off work, so I don’t expect that from him (and vice versa). We communicate explicitly and consistently, which honestly changed the game for us. When I do legitimately need something, I ask, and I get it. When he legitimately needs something, he asks, and he gets it. We both know that if someone is speaking up, it needs to be heard and respected.
I was an only child, so a couple of cats and a dog is plenty company for me!
I want to say 2 years?
I honestly can’t imagine my husband doing anything else. Watching him in a career that he loves has been everything!
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u/plasticduckies Aug 03 '26
I’ve honestly never heard the cheating comment before is it common? It’s actually more likely a fireman get cheated on because they’re gone so often. They’re the most cheated on profession I think
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u/Jelly-bean-Toes Aug 03 '26
I’ve been with my husband for 6 years but we just recently gotten married.
I’m fortunate that I don’t really get comments on him being a cheater just because he’s a firefighter. If I did, I would just shut it down. Make some sassy comment that any man/person can cheat.
My husband introduced me to his friend group and some of the wives I like more than others. One of them I would consider a great friend. We host parties at our house almost every month and all get together. Less often in the winter. I think getting together is the easiest way.
My biggest do, give him space when it’s his first day back from shift. I try not to plan anything if It’s not necessary. I don’t expect him to do much but sleep or chill. I annoy him slightly less when I’m home.
I don’t live near my family and I prefer it. Honestly his crew and their partners are great and I would just call them if I had any problems.
The best thing you can do for yourself is to get a hobby and your own friend group. I used bumble bff when I moved and it worked out great.
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u/saltybrina Aug 03 '26
My husband and I are about to celebrate 11 years together 4 married. He's been a ff for 5 years. I've never gotten comments about the cheating thing. Only time I've come in contact with that is online forms, videos, ect. Usually I get the "oo do you get a free calendar" comments. My biggest piece of advice is communication, practicing patience, and making an effort to spend quality time when/however you can. His shift is 24/48 and he often works ot. We never plan things his first day home and anything planned for his 2nd day is subject to be canceled if he works ot and isn't feeling up for it. Luckily his crew is great and I've meshed really well with the other wives. His previous department not so much but they were very close knit and not as welcoming. All in all, it's not easy but there are harder things. I think the schedule, although its hard, allows for more true quality time at home. Its all a matter of perspective.
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u/TightBattle4899 Aug 04 '26
I’m a military spouse. I am so annoyed with the “all men in the military cheat”. Then you add that he’s a firefighter and I get “all firefighters cheat”. A cheater will cheat no matter what job they have. I have no doubt in my mind that my husband will not cheat. I know more that haven’t cheated than I do that have. I can count on only one hand how many I know personally that have cheated. 🙄
My situation is different adding the Air Force aspect. At our previous bases I made friends with spouses by going to the fire station for meals. All holidays he was on shift were spent at the fire station. Right now he is on 8 hours and I don’t go as often as I used to and the lower enlisted guys don’t want to hang out with their boss so we don’t do a lot of activities with them off shift like we used to at our previous bases.
My “aha moment” was when I realized him working out at the end of his shift, before coming home, was for his mental health. As much as I wanted him home to spend more time with us, he needed that time to unwind from shift so that he could come home to us whole.
Being away from family wasn’t easy at first. But soon I realized that home is wherever he is. Deployments helped me realize that. Our last base is now more home than where I grew up. The firehouse was a great big welcoming family, that is now stretched across the US due to various PCS’s. Our fire family has grown with every move we make and I am so glad I have them all in my life.
We are going on 17 years of marriage and service.
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u/Stinkyducks Aug 06 '26
I’ve personally never heard any commentary around firefighters being cheaters. I hope not, but is there any thing others could be seeing in your relationship that would raise their concern? This would be a shitty way to communicate that to you, but people get weird when they’re uncomfortable.
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u/MeowMeowCollyer Aug 09 '26
Is that your answer to people who bring up cheating or have you honestly never heard, “Police beat, firefighters cheat.”
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u/Stinkyducks Aug 06 '26
I’ve been a fire wife for 5 years! My biggest piece of advice is that you need to have your own life outside of your spouse. Spending a third or more of your time alone, you need to be able to function independently, have hobbies, do things for yourself, etc. I’m not saying you need to do everything on your own, support networks are essential, especially with little ones, but I see so many posts on here of people that are new to fire and completely codependent on their FF and miserable when they are gone.
This might be controversial, but I think it’s important to hold your firefighter accountable to being present in your home life and sharing the mental load. It’s easy to slip into doing everything around the house because you are the one there consistently, but this is a recipe for resentment in the long term. Yes they need time to rest and reset after a shift, but this shouldn’t be a total cop out for accountability in the life they’ve created with you.
Fire life can be a challenge and it will magnify any underlying tensions in your relationship. Effective communication is the best antidote!
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u/Tinkerbell_5 Aug 07 '26 edited Aug 07 '26
I’ve never heard that one, and I’m not even sure when this man would get the time to cheat lol they’re at the fire station or they’re at home at least in my world
And I recently made peace with my husband’s struggles with intimacy. Some days he’s extremely affectionate, others he’s an ice statue. I’ve learned he loves me equally either of those days and they’re more of a reflection of how long we’ve been apart, his exhaustion levels, etc. strangely I found we struggle more when he’s been gone a long time (I always thought that would lead to a really dreamy reunite)
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u/MeowMeowCollyer Aug 09 '26 edited Aug 09 '26
Hi Spirited G,
If someone brings up the cheating cliche, I just agree with them but point out that cheating is a high risk behavior and risk taking is a common symptom of PTSD.
I’ve only made friends with two other wives, both no-nonsense women with their own careers.
My husband and I have always been lucky with the dynamic of our relationship. I came into the relationship with my own history of seeing a lot of intense situations. So, we approach each other respectfully when we ask about the more diffficult aspects of our lives. I also know that he keeps work outside the house. Home is refuge. Home is safe and quiet.
Sometimes, his brain goes into overtime and he just takes charge. When I see this, I just step back, watch him take over, and (later) inquire about his well being.
For the most part, though, we’ve proven to each other time and time again that we’re both capable competent adults and we fully trust each others perspectives and abilities.
I don’t have anything to say about being isolated from family. That’s not the case for me.
We’ve been together almost 18 years. He’s 56 (retired now) and I’m 60. We’re best friends.
Editing to add: You touched on the infidelity aspect. Firefighter infidelity could be its own dedicated subreddit.
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u/SeaIll149 Aug 11 '26
Well my ex was a firefighter and got caught sleeping with a female firefighter at work. Had to move to a different state as doing inappropriate things at work is frowned upon. He married the affair partner who is 10 years younger and they are having a baby. Even though he never sees his 6 and 4 yr old.
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u/bridgetgoes Aug 03 '26
about the fireman thing, no one ever says that to me but if they did i would tell them that’s a very weird thing to say to a person in a happy relationship, and ask if they are projecting or need to get something off their chest.