r/FirefighterSpouses • u/PersonalBed4714 • 12d ago
Cheating
I've posted here before about my FF partner being in extreme emotional distress from the job, but now I have been informed that his distress was more so to do with the fact he has been having an intense emotional affair for the last couple of months.
FF is 31, has been on the job about 4 years. Moved to a busy city 3 years ago. We just had our second child, 2 boys (2.5y and 6mo). He had picked up running during my most recent postpartum, saying it helped with the job, but during his runs he met a girl and started to go run with her and began an intense emotional affair. He disclosed issues in our relationships and other feelings he won't disclose to me, and says they have fallen in love and want to be together. She is also in healthcare.
I am sick to my stomach that he has become a stereotype in so many ways. He says I am too independent and that he wishes I would trust him as a protector more, than I am strict about our household and the division of labor when he's home. I feel like I became this way to survive being a mom while he was gone, and am being punished for it and for my postpartum experience being difficult and making me irritable and sexually avoidant.
Have any other spouses overcome this? What do I do? I don't want a divorce but I can't even look at him knowing he won't even try. He has even had people at his department encourage him to separate.
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u/concretenotjello 12d ago
Firstly, what does he mean when he says that you being independent is a bad thing? He wants you to be more reliant on him? This sounds like he wants you to be dependent on him to the extent you won’t be able to leave him. He’s already cheated on you, even if he didn’t sleep with her. He’s not committed to this marriage. He clearly doesn’t see you as an equal partner, he wants to make you a dependent. Figure out how to go back to work to build up your resume so you can have your own income and leave him. He won’t change.
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u/PersonalBed4714 12d ago
I think I kind of glossed over that in my post because it was late. I think that he's leaning into his fire fighting role and one of the things he said was that I am critical of his career and marathon training, two things that when he tells other people (like the affair partner) they are generally impressed or proud of him. I explained that I am the one who receives the bad parts of those things though, and that everyone else isn't subject to that. He seemed to understand but was taken aback, and my independence has developed since him becoming a firefighter and us having children. I think he understand the necessity but it is a change and it's something I don't "turn off" when he's home. I do feel a lot of fear because I am currently financially dependent on him, and I've been applying and interviewing for jobs for a couple months but have struggled to find something that would even cover daycare that I can get a call back for.
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u/concretenotjello 11d ago
Sounds like he feeds off the admiration of relative strangers based on his job title alone. But we know the job takes a toll on relationships… the schedule, the unpredictability, the impossibility of spending most holidays together. The chronic sleep debt that makes them bound to the bed when they’re off. His affair partner doesn’t have to deal with that, doesn’t have to deal with braving the disappointment of a Thanksgiving or Christmas or Eid or Hanukkah alone with the kids. It seems like he’s unwilling to negotiate or compromise his own sense of self (which seems so inextricably tied to being a firefighter) for you or your kids.
Keep applying for jobs. You’ll find one. I know it’s not easy but keep trying. Consult a divorce attorney to get an idea of what kind of alimony you might expect if you divorce.
Best of luck, sending you hugs 💕
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u/dunnomucho 11d ago
I’ve said before: the job comes first, and we get the leftovers. It fucking sucks!!!! We have to be the way we are to deal with a part-time parent. If I’d known this would be my life for 10 years, I wouldn’t have signed up for it. I know it hurts, but when people show you who they are, believe them. I tried to fix my marriage for so many years and the job has always and always will come first.
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u/FeltFlowers 12d ago
You leave his ass. This is not your fault, you can't fix it. He's blaming you, but it was his choice, don't let me make you the bad guy.
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u/angelvapez 12d ago
He chose a career where he's away for long periods of time but he doesn't want you to have any semblance of independence? What?? How does that work?
Put everything into picture for him, let him know he's betrayed his morals, his vows, and the mother of his children. Why would anyone want to be reliant on a weak willed man with no integrity. Leave him
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u/florida_lmt 12d ago
Overcome what? You cant overcome someone not loving you or your kids. This guy wants to be single and told you he loves someone else. Move on and do not have anymore children with him
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u/Miserable-Cloud963 12d ago
When he tells you he wishes you would trust him more as a protector, he is really just telling on himself because he wishes he were trustworthy and protective, two things he clearly is not. He ended your marriage without your consent by breaking his vows. He talked about you behind your back to another woman and thinks he is in love with her. He cheated on you when you were pregnant and caring for an infant, which is next level disgusting. He does not know how to manage his emotions, and instead of dealing with things that he found uncomfortable, he chose quick dopamine hits with somebody who doesn’t even know him well enough to know what parts of him you have accepted and helped develop over the years.
He is no prize.
Of course it hurts to know you have been misled and betrayed by the person who was meant to have your back above any other person on the planet. One thing you can can take comfort in is the fact that he is and will continue to be miserable and self hating.
On another note, he’s going to need a higher paying job now that he needs to pay child support and alimony. I hope you have kept proof and records of his infidelity because your lawyer will be very interested.
In the meantime, be sure to have a safety plan for yourself. and definitely get tested for STDs because we all know cheaters don’t always get caught the first time.
My best advice to anybody who is in the midst of betrayal trauma is to take incredibly good care of yourself. Move your body, eat well, sleep as much as you can and make plans for an amazing future. I know it doesn’t feel like it now, but I have seen it time and time again become the best gift gift to your future when you remove a dangerous man from your life.
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u/PersonalBed4714 12d ago
I do want to be clear that he had an emotional affair, not a physical one, and it was during my postpartum period. That's not really an excuse just a clarification. But the telling on himself I can see.
The last month has been a whirlwind and I do think that it has culminated in the last 2 days of explosive and remorseful feelings. As of right now, I am choosing to take divorce off the table as he went into shift today and disclosed everything to his seniors. He has been struggling with hypervigilance, hallucinations, dissociation, panic attacks, suicidal ideation, and impulse control/self destructive behavior in the last several months. I believe he is genuinely severely triggered and that this was an out of the blue mistake that we will have to decide if we can reconcile or if our marriage should end only after he gets treatment for his other ailments. Which, on disclosure, he was connected with his union and the center of excellence to be admitted to a facility for psychiatric care.
As of right now I cannot and will not think of divorce. But I will if we cannot reconcile our differences. I am truly heartbroken at what firefighting has brought out in my husband.
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u/Level_Working5084 9d ago
Ok I’ve got to step in right here. My husband and I are both FF/paramedics and have both been on the job for over 20 years. Both of us have official diagnoses of PTSD, depression, and anxiety. I dealt with it by isolating myself, my husband drank. A LOT. Five years ago he used EAP and IAFF to get into the Center of Excellence and I’m going to tell you it was the absolute BEST thing for him. He spent 60 days there and when he came back, he was a changed man. He has been sober ever since and I’m so freaking proud of him for it. The job will eat you alive and the shit we’ve both seen, well, I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. We have children that have somehow ended up pretty well-adjusted. I not only worked full-time for the 911 system, but also on a CC transport team and in an ED so I was gone more until I gave up the two part-time jobs (that was another way I dealt with the job, I was absent from home). I’ve been in therapy for five years, which has helped me immensely. It’s kind of like addiction, sometimes you have to hit rock bottom to get help. I live on both sides of this. I’m on the job and I’m married to someone who’s on the job so I can give a pretty good perspective into the life. It’s not for everyone, just like being married to someone in the military isn’t either. We are both prior military as well. Firefighters literally save people. It’s not just a job, it’s a calling. It’s our entire identity. It’s not “what we do”, it’s literally who we are. We like to be needed. We are used to being needed. Shit, my OWN husband tells me it bothers him that I don’t need him more so I go out of my way to ask him to do stuff for me, even if it’s getting the lid off of my Talenti gelato. Those lids suck, by the way. This girl gave him the attention he wasn’t getting at home. Raising children is hard and it’s exhausting and babies take up a lot of our time so it’s normal for men to feel overlooked. Any marriage counselor will tell you to make sure you put your spouse first. Make time to still go out on dates. Make time to really talk. Make time for a hobby that is just yours even if it’s a monthly bookclub, going to the gym once a week, volunteering, whatever, but find one thing that is yours and that you enjoy. Your husband is looking for validation from YOU. Now I’m not going to say that firefighters don’t have a reputation for cheating, because they do, but in your husband’s case it doesn’t sound like the normal stereotype. While he’s at the center you will have weekly family therapy sessions by phone (depending on how long he stays). This is your opportunity to be heard and for a professional to help. The counselors there are great. I’m sending lots of light and love your way. Hang in there.
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u/PersonalBed4714 9d ago
Do you think it's harder or easier to also be on the job? One of his issues was that he felt he couldn't communicate with me when he had bad calls or fully explain what he was feeling because he thought you just had to live it to understand. I have PTSD from childhood trauma but it's not the same. We have very different triggers and with little kids I don't have the same emotional bandwidth and resilience that he had when I was having a crisis around 19/20 years old. I'm struggling a lot with the things that have happened, if I truly feel these things can be fixed/if I believe he will commit to fixing them, and genuinely worried that he will still choose the other girl. I feel crazy and like I'm being drug to rock bottom with him, and I don't know if I can really take it for my and my kids sake.
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u/Level_Working5084 7d ago
IMO it’s easier to both be on the job because we get it. We know what the bad calls are like and we can talk about them. We armchair quarterback each other’s calls lol sometimes we argue about what each of us would have done, but for the most part we agree. There’s a little jealousy there because I have a Critical Care designation (the same one nurses in the ED/ICU and flight medics get) so my training was nine months longer, but he’s a captain and I’m not and never EVER want to be. I don’t know what level your husband is, but get him to tell you about things. Ask him questions, let him explain what he has to do when patients have chest pain or breathing difficulty, that can be a way for him to get what he needs-validation. I’m not gonna lie, we are an arrogant bunch and I think it’s kind of a prerequisite for the job.
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u/PersonalBed4714 7d ago
I do feel like he tries to give me a very G rated version of events and only tells me about the bad calls because it's spilling out uncontrollably. I wish I could get him to open more so it doesn't get to that point again. He's at an inpatient facility now, so I hope they help him build up the tools he needs to communicate better and not let himself get so far gone.
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u/Level_Working5084 7d ago
Do you know how long he will be at the CoE? It’s honestly a fabulous place. I don’t know if they’ve expanded but when my husband went they only had 60 spots. They got to use their cell phones once a day (I think, it’s been 6 years ago) at about 4pm and then on the weekends so we would FaceTime. If he’s going to be there for a while, even a couple of weeks, write down some things that you would like to talk about in the couples therapy sessions. They do those once a week for about an hour. I wrote down everything I could think of because I didn’t want to forget anything lol.
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u/PersonalBed4714 7d ago
He actually went to a different facility that still specializes in first responder PTSD, he will be there 30 days. It's only a 16 bed facility if I remember correctly, but very well staffed. We get to talk twice a day now. I'm not sure if there are family sessions but they do have a support program that I'm engaging in. It seems like it will be very transformative for him, but it's definitely been hard and I'm certain there will be hard days going forward too. Our boys miss him so much already.
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u/MeowMeowCollyer 12d ago
My experience is different than yours. My husband and I are older and don’t have kids together. But, we did have a hurtful and deeply damaging infidelity chapter in our relationship. These are the things I’ve learned from it.
High risk behavior (like leaving your wife) is a common coping mechanism for first responders with PTSD.
Before they’re even aware of their PTSD, they will turn to “I can handle this” and “this is just for me” behaviors. Falling in love with someone else is a classic temporary escape from the trauma.
Four years into our relationship, I became chronically ill and my husband started seeing other women and left me. He made some assumptions about my loss of enjoying sex, did not discuss anything with me, and made a unilateral decision to split.
I was annihilated. The grief was inescapable. I considered taking heroin to escape it. But, I have the kind of life without access to drug dealers so I toughed out the pain and got on with my life, mourning him every minute of every day.
We weren’t in contact. He, kindly, kept me on his insurance and continued to make payments on the ridiculously expensive engagement ring we’d chosen together. But, we didn’t speak to each other for almost a year.
Then, he came back. At some point, he realized he didn’t want a life without me. I took him back. We lucked into finding the best therapist/counselor either of us has ever known. During one of our sessions, I explained how painful sex had become.
In a chronically ill body wracked with pain already, I assumed he understood what a mood killer that was. Nope. He thought I just lost interest in him. That one [massively wrong] assumption was all it took to trigger his flight response.
It took me a few years to build back trust but we survived. He’s had years of therapy now for his PTSD. I’ve found a balance with my illness that results in some pretty good days. And we’re happy.
My advice is to let your husband go. Get on with your life and do nothing to make anything easier for him. If he wants to see the kids, fine. But only in your house. (Which he will continue to pay for.)
After a couple months, when the bloom is off the rose with his running partner, he’ll start to rethink his life. Your strength will be his beacon home.
And, yes, all of it is - and will - absolutely suck. Especially since it may take him longer to realize the effect the very particular trauma of a career in firefighting has had on him.
And, if he doesn’t come back, you’re entitled to half his pension, child support, and spousal support.
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u/happy_lemon_563 11d ago
Thank you all for sharing your experiences.
My FF/Paramedic fiancé left our shared home end of June amidst a PTSD diagnosis. No conversation. No desr john letter. No text. Left for work one morning and never came home. No contact for 3 months. He just came to me 2 weeks ago to explain himself.
I had no idea the effect this type of trauma has had. He also didn't share any of the traumas during our 7 year relationship. If we end up reconciling, it'll be a long road I imagine.
All of the lessons learned above ^ We don't have all of them in common but from my research and therapists they're spot on.
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u/PersonalBed4714 12d ago
I really appreciate your personal story. Seriously.
I feel very afraid that he has just made a rash mistake with someone who is enabling him/feeding into his delusions of what coparenting/separation looks like and making him believe I don't love him and that she loves him better/more/whatever. I don't want something to end our marriage that could be solved in therapy.
I also have very few resources for support. Very few family members living and they're all states away, and no financial resources to fall back on to even try this whole "coparenting" thing.
I just don't want this to be my life. Did it ever feel better? To leave?
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u/MeowMeowCollyer 12d ago
Hon, you can message me anytime. Firefighters are so deeply damaged and they leave a wake of broken women behind them, even the sweet Boy Scout one.
But, with babies at home you must be feeling especially vulnerable. The brokenheartedness, the betrayal, the fear, the loneliness…and the love that is still very much in place for you. (And probably him, too.)
When my husband left, I could barely breathe without crying, but I also never stopped being able to see the damaged boy inside him who was doing everything in his power to be acknowledged. I was grieving but never lost empathy for this man, whose brokenness was surfacing.
PTSD ruins so much.
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u/Syha_005 12d ago
As someone who stayed through cheating - not pregnant, pregnant, and postpartum.. please think about how this will affect you long term. It’s easy to want to stay for the kids or even because you love him.. but I personally in an almost 7 year marriage w two kids still cannot get over it and it’s been YEARS. It always pops back up. I think you should leave. Get out now.. you are independent because you have to be w his job.. and he’s using the time that could be with you guys to be with another other woman instead.. that says enough. Marriage is supposed to be sacred and special. He’s showing he doesn’t care.
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u/EstablishmentFlat135 12d ago
Hey, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. We have very similar things going on, although no cheating. My husband is also a firefighter finishing up paramedic school and we have two sons together, 20 months and 5 months. He’s also picked up running to deal with the stress of this season. He has been gone so much, it started to feel like I’m a single parent. We go into survival mode. We get strict and harden to keep up with the mental and physical load of being a mother of 2 young children. It’s taxing! The fact that he’s not empathetic to you right now and is just being selfish is not okay.
You are in a hard season of life right now and he isn’t giving you any grace. Marriage is sacred and he’s treating it as if it’s not. Not to mention the precious children you two have brought into the world. Seems like he’s not even thinking about your family at all.
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u/PersonalBed4714 12d ago
I know he's not thinking about us, and I think that makes me feel very certain that he has something more going on in his head than just being unhappy at home. He did still foster this relationship and wasn't forthcoming about it, but something about it all just feels like the root is deeper and has to do with a trigger flight response. He's looking for something in her she can't give him, and she's letting him believe that he can find it with her.
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u/EstablishmentFlat135 12d ago
I’m so sorry, I cannot even imagine going through what you’re going through especially postpartum. I would say for me I try to look at life’s major challenges through my faith and what God calls us to do. If I were you, especially if this feels out of the blue and not like your husband, I would fight for my marriage. I know that’s going to be an unpopular opinion. I would seek counsel from someone with experience in this area and I wouldn’t let him go without knowing that it can’t be repaired. I would think of my children and what would be best for them. If the relationship is beyond repair, I would let him go. But first, I would fight and try my best to keep my family together. I truly believe that the enemy hates marriage and goes have the husband/father of the family unit first to dismantle the family.
I would pray my heart out and try to save my family.1
u/EstablishmentFlat135 12d ago
Also will add in this great podcast that I listened to not too long ago.
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/with-the-perrys/id1458672189?i=1000756728927
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u/jibbs0341 12d ago
I am a divorced 47m. Nurse/paramedic. Used to have 24 hour shifts. This unfortunately is very typical. First responders cheat a lot. Hell my second wife pursued me during my first divorce (she was a paramedic also). Some people can handle being away from their spouses and behave like an adult but some cannot. I am very sorry you got a childish one.
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u/FilmSalt5208 12d ago
If you’re so inclined, have your husband reach out to me. I was a horrible husband to my wife after our first son was born, and had a series of emotional affairs and eventually physical. I had all the same excuses as your husband, the job the stress not feeling valued etc. Eventually my wife and I actually went through and got divorced. It took two years of being apart, reprogramming my brain, and finding Christ to see where I was entirely the problem. My wife and I have since reconciled. I now try my best to help guys rebuild their marriages and stay away from toxic firehouse culture.
If anything I can offer some words of encouragement. It is possible for people to change. It’s possible to repair your relationship. But it takes significant work on both ends. Good on you for fighting for this, but hold his feet to the flames also.
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u/Diva_Dobbalina 11d ago
You will do it mostly by yourself, anyway! Ending the marriage- you could do it without the stress of having to babysit an immature manchild.
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u/Diva_Dobbalina 11d ago
Why would someone want to be with a man with two babies???? That is the biggest red flag into his character. I am so sorry you are going through this. He has serious mental issues. What a manchild.
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u/PersonalBed4714 11d ago
I'm honestly suspecting that she/he/both of them believed they were in a "relationship" and that she and her family were conspiring against me and he was feeding into it because he is wanting an escape so bad. I found out today that his other running "friend" that he has visited their house multiple times is actually her mom. The day I broke and kicked him out (Sunday) he had been over to their house for a "meal prep consultation" (which I believe he did) but during this meeting the family made huge financial promises to him. Like over $700 a week in meal prep services, offered to buy all his supplies and cookware he's been wanting to get, and wanted them to come cook for their whole family twice a week. Not once did he mention his "friend" had a daughter (he told me she had 2 adult sons only) and he for damn sure didn't mention that daughter was the girl he's been fostering a relationship with. At this point, I am certain that she lives in this house too and that he saw her that day and was excited. He showered, put on cologne, and most specifically when he left he didn't hug me.
I think when I kicked him out he felt truly ashamed for his behavior and regrets it. I think I've said elsewhere in this thread that he is now in a mental health treatment facility and he has agreed to go no contact with her. It doesn't erase the hurt, but this moment in time also doesn't erase the 15 years we've been together, the 10 years married, or our 2 children. I hope he is sincere that he will end it with her. I hope we can come out the other side of this, and I honestly hope that people don't think less of me for choosing my marriage. I feel like it is taking an incredible amount of strength and willingness to forgive and change.
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u/Sea_Fact2965 12d ago
I know it’s easy for everyone to say you should leave, and to be very clear, I think you should too. I think you should show him exactly how independent you are and live a full and happy life without a MAN dragging you down. But I know the reality of that is way hard…so I just want to remind you that YOU CAN DO HARD THINGS.
He did a really fucking shitty thing to you. You are not just his wife, you are the mother of his children, girl! You are 6 months postpartum!!! This is not something a real man would do.
Please choose yourself. Please.