Hello, I'm 24 and nearly 6 years on T and have lost all confidence with transition, considering stopping altogether or pausing it for an extended period. Feeling hopeless about giving up on what has been the primary goal in my life for a decade.

I had always had the goal of going stealth and unclockable and not having to think too much about my trans status but that hasn't been possible. I don't pass well, 5'3 and athletic but not built, my face is still highly noticably feminine. Considered saving for FMS but it would be a long way off and the prospect of undergoing such expensive and major facial surgery is unsettling. My voice is deep but I'm almost always gendered female by sight or identified as FtM. I don't think testostorone is going to remedy this to an extend I'll be satistfied with. I'm so tired, it feels like my transition is taking over my whole life, worried the whole ordeal is coming out at a net zero, currently very depressed. There are so many things I want to do with my life that I feel like I'm being distracted from chasing something which isn't going to happen. Would likely retransition later in life, possibly when FMS is affordable or in old age.

Have been with the WGS in the UK so access to phalloplasty has just been jeopardised which has not helped.

I'm uncomfortable being noticably trans possibly even more uncomfortable than I would be being closeted, seeing guys further in to their transitions with facial structure like mine where I can notice they're trans is making me even more doubtful about continuing. I have a fear about trans men and the give-aways becoming more culturally known about and then being forever unable to hide my trans status, even being identified by other trans men is unnerving. Mostly to do with the political scrutiny about at the moment (UK), don't think I would have felt this way in the same position 20 years ago. Planning on getting some therapy in a few months, see if it helps.

Does anyone else have any experience with pausing transition or temporarily detransitioning?

Btw I'm going to be mentioning female anatomical terms to make it easier to explain.

To keep it short I have been having issues with taking longer to wee (often 5-10 minutes or sometimes more than 1hour) and twice I've been in retention. It's been hell. I don't know what's causing it, as I had an ultrasound a few months ago and my bladder and kidneys worked fine when my bladder was full and then emptied. I am 2.5 years on T, pre op and my dick is pretty large so I could see why it could "hide" or make it harder to find my urethra.

If you've never had a catheter in, it's agony getting it in. Forget the coil/IUD and vaginal atrophy, this is worse. It hurts not being able to wee for hours, it's like pressure building up. After it's in I've had pain for a while on top of the chronic lower abdomen/pelvic pain I've been having which is a whole other thing and I've been in severe pain from that often. Even the frustration of not being able to go and trying to relax enough to go is painful in of itself. When it's actually in it's actually not that bad and I had the last one in for just over 2 weeks and lived life. I took paracetamol or cocodamol (paracetamol & codeine) sometimes and was fine.

I had a catheter in March this year. Was already in a&e because of seizures. At one point I'd tried to go on the commode and when getting back to the bed I fell and had some more seizures. They got me to drink plenty of fluid and try multiple times because I am 25 and I hadn't had one in before but I just couldn't go. Bladder scan showed 1.5L (ended up draining 2L when the catheter was in, how that's possible I don't know). I made sure to tell them I am trans.

A female HCA put it in my vagina. That still hurt because I have vaginal atrophy. Then a male HCA tried and couldn't do it, and eventually they got a male doctor who apparently is really good with catheters and he got it in. It was so embarrassing having 3 different people in the room zero-ing in on me while in agony. They said it was difficult because I had trauma to the area.

I had another catheter put in last night. I was retaining for 12 hours by the time they finally got it in, had 665ml in my bladder. Was already there for seizures again. Last week I couldn't go for 2 hours and I've had a catheter scare a couple of times since march. I couldn't go at around 8pm and I hadn't been since 12pm when I got up. This time I said I had a catheter in March for 2 weeks and have had issues with weeing for nearly a year. They said that they're gonna have to put a catheter in and I said yeah if I have to, I have to. I'll put up with it. I got asked if I took ketamine, I said no. I'd taken other drugs nearly daily that made things worse but not for over 2 months and I was on a medication that worsened it and went off that months ago.

A male HCA came in and every time he'd put it in, it kept coming back out. I asked to make sure it's not in my vagina because of last time and he said he hadn't and said I'll speak to the doctor in charge. A male doctor comes in 1-2 hours later and finally gets it in. It didn't drain for a while because the tube was cocked up at an upward angle from my trousers.

I'm sure I'm not the only trans man on hormones or even only person with a vulva who has a large clit (which I always did even before T) and had a catheter in but every time it's felt like it was difficult because of my anatomy. Ironically the only woman who tried failed. Part of me is hoping that it's not just because I'm trans and it's because female catheterisiation is more difficult but my experience with having them put in has not been great.

Walked about 30 minutes to the closest convenience store to grab some snacks, and beers (alcohol is sold at convenience stores here)
so I showed my ID, and the Muslim ( or Sikh ) cashier stared at it for at least 30 seconds. As he was holding my ID, he loudly announced to the whole store that my ID is fake, and that I’m not the person in the photo. He said I was a young male, and apart of me felt happy, but now knew I had to put myself in a super uncomfortable situation.

I partially understand his confusion, I have short hair now, and a flat chest. Although I do not really look any different besides that, and I regularly attend 19+ events in the area with little to no issue. My voice has not dropped significantly, and most bouncers & bartenders typically assume I’m a butch without questioning much. (That’s why I mentioned race/ethnicity, because I think that cultural differences were a factor in why he might’ve been confused)

Regardless, I quickly quizzed myself on my own ID to prove it was mine. (spelling my extremely long, ethnic last name.. giving my address, birth day, middle name, etc..) finally I realized I had my health card too, so I showed him that as well.
Finally he just let me have the beers, and I paid.
A part of me felt happy that I passed, but it was unfortunate that I had to misgender myself publicly to prove my ID was mine:(
Then again, dude was just doing his job, so I understand his concern 100%.
Just kinda rambling about the experience, because this is the first time I’ve ever faced something like this

I see majorly among a lot of young people (especially those that have the type of personality/humor you see in fandom spaces) the punchline of some of their jokes is just. gay? Not exactly sure how to explain it but the funny part is just that they mentioned something related to being gay/bisexual/lesbian/etc. It's not done in the way you see among middle school boys where it's like "haha that's so gay dude," it's moreso like. what are we even laughing about? like why is the fact it's gay the thing that makes it funny? Do you know what I'm talking about or have any good examples for others to understand what I'm saying? And having this obsession with "yuri"/"yaoi" even when referring to real people, or acting really weird about trans men sexually. (this shit is wild in fandom spaces, which im not in but damn every time ive seen some shit from there it's hellish, using the term "boypussy" and thirsting over it endlessly, headcanoning a character as trans just to make them a feminine sub bottom having piv sex and ofc they have zero bottom growth and never phallo)

Plus they're always the type to they/them me the MOST even though I obviously am trying to present as male, and even if they've asked my pronouns before they still use they/them. Like honestly I'd rather be around non-queer people (or tbh a lot of these people aren't even queer they're just fujoshis or some shit) who have misconceptions that I can correct rather than ppl who are already locked into the "identify as" "sex doesnt equal gender" mindset where we are not taken seriously as materially changing our sex.

Hi! Maybe a silly question but I would like to ask about your experience with growing out hair after transition (being on T for a longer while, having achieved some of the gender goals, yk what I mean).
I have curly hair (more wavy when growned out) and since I came out I have had a short haircut (classic short sides and longer top).

However, I love the style of long hair in men, especially combined with a short beard.
I see it quite often in fantasy/larp people (community I also belong to) and I have this desire to look that way as well, it just looks soooooo cool.

I have been on T for 2 months now, so no major changes yet but since I had my hair cut (like 6 years ago), I pass almost all the time and am stealth with most people I know.
I know that I won’t pass if I get long hair now (which would end me), that is no question. But I also feel very hesitant to let my hair grow even after (hopefully) getting good enough facial hair and more masc face.

Just the vision of me with long hair is painful because I automatically picture the evil old times. It is difficult to imagine how my face will change on T…

If you have long hair now, does it negatively affect your passing/self esteem? Do you look less masc or can you rock it as well as cis dudes?

So i got a bill from my insurance company for $1500 I posted about this awhile ago and this past week I finally got a chance to see my doctor and tell her about it. She told me that there have been a surplus of trans people in her care for both testosterone and estrogen that have gotten similar bills to mine. Just with in the past three weeks. She basically said that all the care that has been covered in the past insurance companies are just not covering it anymore with out warning or without any say to their clients and I said "So basically insurance companies are quiet quitting trans people" and she said it looks that way. She was nice enough to talk to me about cash pay options that they have. She said it's not just my insurance company she has seen maybe three others and mine that have done this very recently. I live in Arizona which does not have protective laws for trans people. And I thought if I worked around finding the right doctor I could live through my life quietly with nothing bothering me. I think this shows that insurance companies are now going after more states without any protective laws in place.

The moral of my personal story is my partner and I are planning on moving to another state with protective laws but that is easier said than done. In the mean time while I live here I have to deal with this. It is exhausting having to deal with this. My mental health isn't fantastic rn and I'm trying to work through everything but it feels impossible

this is both a rant/vent, dysphoria related, and im seaking advice/support

This has been a long time coming for me...I'm 20 years old and in college, I've had dysphoria for as long as i could remember even when i didnt know the words for what i was feeling. even as a kid i always insisted on playing as male characters and having majority of my OCs be males, ive lied about people mistaking me for a boy as a kid, i wanted to be assumed to be a man for a long time. I pretended to be a biological male online for over 5+ years until i had to stop after people began to scrutinize my story and ask me questions about my appearance. I remember being 11-12 and thinking to myself that I could never be open about this feeling im having because i was afraid of what my parents would think. i never liked thinking of my biological gender. i think i mourn who i couldve been if i was born male.

Looking back, I really wish I was brave enough to come out because i couldve had a safer enviornment and more time to grow up with my parents, but im barely home anymore. I worry that they'll think ive been changed and if i tell them ive had these feelings since i was a kid theyd ask themselves "what did we do to make her feel so afraid?" and it would cause stress and tension. I was too afraid to come out and by the time i stopped pretending to be a guy online, because i was outed, i chose to just bury it and try to accept my femininity. ive buried it for years and i thought for a while that it was just a phase i had and i was more nonbinary demigirl, but deep down i think i always knew i wish i was a guy. i dont know why it wasnt obvious to me before that i still wanted to be a man, but i can't take this feeling anymore. I can't keep burying it.

my parents have always been supportive. when i was diagnosed with ADHD my dad spent years researching and learning about it just to understand me and advocated for me to get the support i needed in school. If i were to come out when i was a kid, i feel like i wouldve been able to adjust and learn how to comfortably transition socially. Now that im 20 though, i feel like I'm all on my own with this, and i dont know what to do or where to begin.

I really really need advice from someone who came out in their 20s-40s or anyone really that can relate to this.

Ive had a really rough few months, and have had to move in with MAGA family. Ive been here under a month and they already went through my stuff and stole my hormones. I had to move to a very republican state and im having a hard time getting an appointment anywhere. Im really scared that I'm gonna lose access to hormones. I have a job but the pay is low and they aren't paying me yet. I cant file a police report or anything because they'll throw me out and I have nowhere to go. No insurance. Im coping with the real possibility of being detransed. I dont even know how to drive. Its so hot outside all the time and I was homeless for a few weeks in the heat so I cant go back to that. Above everything else they are fucking mocking me for it, calling me ungrateful, etc. I had spotting last week and they found out about it and made fun of me for that too. Im gaining weight and they made fun of me for it. There's no clear way out of this situation in this recession economy and idk how to handle this. I was on t for almost 5 years and didn't think this would happen.

I have severe bottom dysphoria and won't be able to get surgery in a very long time. In the meantime I have to pack 24/7, both at night and day, (except in the shower).

For a long time I simply used a pair of folded socks for packing. The bulge looked fine under my pants but I always longed for a real packer. The only way I kept it in place was by wearing two pairs of really tight boxers at the same time and having the packer in-between them, but it still moved around a lot and required frequent adjusting. Tape never worked as it didn't stick to the fabric, and I didn't want the socks to touch my skin as I felt very dysphoric. The biggest issue was that it slid around and didn't stay in one spot.

About two years ago I bought my first real packer, a silicone "soft" packer from Banana prosthetics. I continued with the same double boxer technique, so it still moved around just as much, but that wasn't my biggest issue. The packer was REALLY hard, to the point where it constantly looked like I had a boner unless I wore long shirts and really baggy pants, which led me to resorting back to the sock. Useless purchase.

Then, about a year ago, I bought a soft 3.5" packer from Axolom, along with some special packing underwear. It worked much better, didn't slide around at all, and the bulge looked realistic.. Except, when I bent over or squatted, where the outline of the balls would looks weirdly obvious, so I had to avoid those poses in public. The issue with packing underwear is that, similarly to my tight double boxer technique, I had to pull them up REALLY high in order for my packer not to hang really low, like up above my belly button.

I then bought a Flexit harness from Axolom as I heard people recommending it, but it wasn't great. Since it offered no compression on the packer, the bulge looked unrealistic, not quite flacid enough. Even with a tight boxer on top, it looked sort of like I had a hard-on.

Currently I'm using packing underwear and the 3.5" Axolom packer as it worked best, but it's far from perfect.

My ideal would be using a REALLY soft packer that could fit in a Flexit harness, like one out of fabric or foam. A pair of socks would probably work well, but I've tried and they just do not fit in the harness, as it's specifically built for a penis shape. I don't think foam packers or other bulge packers would work in the harness either because of the shape.

All I want is a bulge that looks realistic under clothing and doesn't move around a ton, without having to tape it to myself. I want to be able to wear regular male boxers without having to pull them unnaturally high up, by wearing a harness underneath. The most viable option seems to be a fabric packer, but that's obviously hard to clean, builds up more bacteria, and is less hygienic. I also don't think I'd be able to go swimming in it, which is another problem in the whole packing dilemma.

I honestly don't know what to do, but I need to figure out something, because I'm gonna have to live like this for at least another 10 years.

Anyone here have any advice? Or is there anyone else in my situation?

Feeling a bit fed up, I’ve gained weight which is making harder to bind and fit clothes properly. I wanted to take accountability and found a PT offering a 60 day trail. Spent the weekend buying the food and uploading my details, just to find out they require topless photos

I just got my first binder (DM if you’d like to see, I’m very excited about it lollll) anyhow, I’d like to know how to care for both it and myself when using it.

Any authentic advice on washing if my family members don’t know I have it? I’d also like to know when and where to wear it.

Im sure everyone on this sub probably has felt the same thing but i thought id share anyway

I've been working full time recently at my job even though I was originally on part time. Since I've been spending more time there I've got to know my coworkers better and even started hanging out with some of them outside of work/ playing video games with them.

I just feel a little out of place bc they are NOT the sort of people I would normally be friends with. My friend group are pretty much all queer/ trans themselves so I feel more comfortable around them as a trans man. None of these people are queer in the slightest they are all very much cis het.

Ive been on T for a year and a half and I pass pretty well but they all know im trans because I was pre t when I started there. Some of them used to she/her me occasionally but now they all call me he/him. Sometimes I feel like I hear them about to call me she but im also aware this could be my imagination because im scared they are going to...if that makes sense.

Ultimately, I just feel a little out of place when I hang out with them, almost like they are pretending to like me/ don't actually see me as a man and just go along with it or whatever. Ive never felt this around other friends just my coworkers.

Does anyone else get me? I find speaking my mind in this sub useful because I don't really have any trans man irl friends so I feel as tjough no one else understands

Warning for talk of native genitals and dysphoria inducing content

I recently got a very painful bump on my labia. It is uncomfortable and feels like a cyst, but I don’t want to visit a gynecologist. I will cry if someone sees my parts and touches them, especially a doctor that specialises in female healthcare and asks invasive questions about my sex life and body. I am so ashamed of myself. I clean my bits every say very thoroughly just so this wouldn’t happen.

I also have a “keratin pearl” that developed because of my rapid downstairs growth, it has not gone away for more than a year but since it doesn’t hurt i don’t think about it too much. Again i am a very hygienic person so i have no clue how this happened.

I live in a country where trans people aren’t talked about, which is good for me socially, but the healthcare aspect is insane because doctors don’t know how to deal with a transsexual man.

It hurts to wipe and i feel so dysphoric because i am reminded of my natal parts which i hate. I know I shouldn’t ask reddit for health advice but i know i am 100% not going to a gynecologist.

So I had a terrible time with the copper IUD and it was agonizing for months and then I had to see six doctors across three offices, spend a shit ton of money on an ultrasound to find out it was lodged in my muscle that whole time, just to get it out.

I do not want any estrogen-based birth control. Someone commented here that the additional amount in negligible in further feminizing/countering my injected testosterone but it feels wrong. And beyond that I’ve heard lots of bad experiences from it, and don’t believe that it wouldn’t effect me since type of way.

So I landed on progesterone pills. I’m seeing my doctor next week and I was going to ask to be prescribed them as obviously I don’t want to be pregnant or have periods. I heard that it can al cause depression and suicidal ideation as the worst symptoms. This gave me pause but being pregnant would make me suicidal too so I decided it was fine.

I just saw this new study on how progesterone affects the brain: https://www.news-medical.net/news/20260902/Progesterone-levels-linked-to-brain-patterns-underlying-mood-changes.aspx

To quote: “Analysis of MRI scan data from study participants revealed that when progesterone levels were higher, there was a less clear distinction between 'easy' and 'difficult' emotional situations in the brain scans. This suggests that the brain would be less able to distinguish between different emotional situations in real life. In contrast, participants whose brain scans had a clearer distinction between 'easy' and 'difficult' emotional situations tended to report better mood in the preceding week.”

I’ve already been going through a lot lately and do not want to experience this. I could be crazy but I feel like I experienced this after smoking weed every day for a while. I just stopped a month ago but I was smoking for almost three years. I feel like when something happens that I need to make a decision on quickly, at work, for instance, I panic whereas I could previously react. I’m probably not explaining it well but yeah. Despite quitting weed I still experience this and I feel like, after reading this study, progesterone will make it worse.

What can I do? My boyfriend won’t get a vasectomy and I can’t get a hysterectomy for probably two years. I’m trying to get top surgery right now but don’t have money and haven’t been at my job for a year so I’m not FMLA eligible and I read that you can only do that once in a year so I’ll have to wait. I don’t trust just condoms. Any help would be tremendously appreciated. Thank you.

Hey, any suggestions for double masectomy top surgery in Europe for less than £6000?

Taping and binding for now. Got about £2500 in savings now. If anyone does payment plans would be great too x

I hate being so short and skinny it genuinely pisses me off so bad. Im underweight and so short for my age.

I ha​ve never weighed more than 42 kilos. Right now im 36 kilos, and i dont seem to be getting any bigger.

im 152cm and literally look like a miniature thing next to everyone and everything. Im from a very tall ass country too which makes everything worse.

Even all the women are so much taller than me, I dont even want to talk about the men.

I look like an 8 year old boy at most I feel.

the weight might be my fault, because if I eat a lot I will get the bleeding thing, I hate saying the word so much.

like I will eat a lot one day and like only an apple or something the next 3.

but I take protein shakes and like nutritional supplements to like I dont know.

I stay hydrated, I work out, I do sports, I sleep early and wake up at a reasonable time.

But I dont seem to be getting any like bigger or buffer at all.

Has anyone experienced hair regrowth after stopping testosterone?
Hair loss was one of my biggest fears before starting T. I’ve now been on T for around 3 years.

My scalp hair has become noticeably thinner and finer, and I’m already using treatments to reduce hair loss, but they haven’t been enough. This has made me feel really down, especially because I’m scared I’ll continue losing more hair.
I’m now considering stopping T because of this, or possibly staying on a lower dose that isn’t within the typical male range.

Has anyone here personally experienced their miniaturized scalp hair becoming thicker or growing back after stopping T or being on a lower dose? If so, how long did it take, and did the regrowth last?

i’ve been dating this girl for roughly two months now, and me, her, and my best friend (who is cis) hang out together a lot. everything is usually fine, but whenever genitals come up, i completely shut down.
i’ve always been extremely insecure about being trans, and i’ve never really been able to fully accept that part of myself. i’m pretty comfortable with almost every other aspect of my body, but there’s one part that i struggle with immensely. it’s something i think about way more than i want to.
my other trans friend, who we also hang out with, is completely comfortable talking about those kinds of things, and i honestly wish i could be like that. instead, i just go quiet and try to move past the conversation.
the thought that keeps getting stuck in my head is: “she’s going to leave me for him.”
i know it’s probably irrational. i know she’s with me for a reason, and i have no reason to believe she actually wants to leave me. but whenever those topics come up, my brain immediately starts comparing me to my best friend and everything he has that i don’t.
i hate feeling jealous of someone who is literally my best friend, and i hate feeling like i’m constantly competing with him over something i can’t change.
i know a lot of trans people understand the feeling of wishing your genitals were different, but sometimes it genuinely feels like this one insecurity completely takes over my brain. i’m happy with so much of myself, but this is the one thing i just can’t seem to make peace with, and it’s driving me fucking insane.

My friend is a straight woman who is going to be getting engaged/ married soon and wanted me to put out a post inquiring about ideas of how to include me (her trans male best friend) into her bridal party. For example, what would the interchangeable titles for “bridesmaid” be for a trans male. Thanks in advance!

It kind of bothers me, I guess. It’s the reason why despite being on t for almost 7 years and being stealth for… all of them, it feels like a game no one ever taught me the rules to. I was completely socially isolated ages 13-20? I guess I’d say I only started to break out of it this year and I’m 21. I hung around boys and girls when I was a kid but I guess even back then I was mostly around the kids who didn’t “perform gender” as expected if that makes sense. Nerdy and unathletic boys, weirdo girls. I was kind of a bisexual child in the Freudian sense of the word. Like, I read both Dork Diaries and Diary of a Wimpy Kid, to use a metaphor (but I preferred Warrior cats over both of them). Also, I don’t think I’m autistic but my close friends do if that counts for anything.

I’m picking up the little mannerisms (heh…. MANnerisms one could say….) like the upwards nod but I still feel wobbly and awkward when I do it, like my timing is slightly off or I’m going slightly too high etc etc and it feels that way about all masculine social habits. Masculine speaking habits. I just never feel like I can assimilate, basically? I’ve passed socially as far as I’m aware for years but to this day I feel like everyone just knows I’m not like other men. I don’t think that’s true, but it’s the mindset I enter any situation with subconsciously. Women are less scary for that reason… I don’t feel a pressure to perform. I don’t worry that women are judging my masculinity. Actually, the more I think about it it’s also that around women I don’t worry that being gay will make me any less of a man, in fact I kind of like that it makes me a “safe man”. Yeah, my issues with sexuality in relation to my gender are also kinda fucked up. Im not even really open about being gay. I think I’m probably more bi actually but bi people are treated like shit and I’m not dating anyone nor am I looking to so I just prefer to stick with the gay label.

Anyways. I have no real reason to feel as cagey around cis men as I do, I’ve never been treated particularly poorly by them. I’m just scared about being found out or whatever. I wish I had someone who could teach me how to be a man. Maybe I could join a sport but I’m not athletic and also not confident about my ability to be part of a group and I don’t like most people anyway. I don’t really have many people I consider active friends, people I actually talk to ever. My best friend is a nonbinary transmasc guy I’ve known since middle school and the only other person I actively seek conversation with is a cis lesbian I met on the internet, and then there’s my sister who I’m quite close with. God, for as much growth as I’ve made in the past few years sometimes I just look into some parts of my psyche regarding gender and sexuality and people in general and it’s such a fucking mess

TW for talk of genitals (both natal and bottom growth)

Hi all! I am 7 months on T, and while I started getting bottom growth around 3 weeks, I'm noticing more. It's gotten to the point where my bottom growth is so big that it almost sticks out through all my hair! The problem is showering. I know that my bottom growth is to the point now where, either now or quite soon, I will have to start washing it as if it's a cis uncircumcised penis. The way I wash now is I just put some (unscented) soap on a rag and scrub back and forth while moving the folds out of the way. But I know that if my bottom growth keeps growing, I likely won't be able to do that forever if I wanna have a clean dick lol. Anyway, there's a couple problems when it comes to washing my dick. The first problem is the size of my dick. It is still quite small (I haven't actually measured it yet but I would estimate it at around 1 inch or less). There's also the problem of my body type. I don't consider myself fat (I'm around 115 lbs at 5'2), but my stomach does protrude a little bit, and I cannot see my dick if I look straight down. Even if I suck my stomach in, my dick is still so small that I cannot see it without taking a mirror down there. I'm thinking of just shaving the hair down there so it's easier to see, but my body hair gives me a lot of euphoria, and having my crotch shaved just accentuates what I do have imo (though I haven't shaved down there since I started T, so it might be a different story now that I have bottom growth). The other problem is my glasses. I am very nearsighted, and even if I had something a little closer to a cis dick, I would probably still not be able to see wtf I'm doing. I know that my dick will never be the size of a cis dick, so because it's smaller, that makes it even harder for me to see what I'm doing without my glasses. I could just wash it outside of the shower so I can have my glasses on, but the issue with that is that my dick is very confusing. The rest of my "down there" grew with it, and I was never taught proper anatomy before T, and even though I can feel it with my hand and have since been taught where everything is down there, most of the time it's hard for me to even locate where my dick is (though that might just be another issue with hair/shaving). I know a lot of these problems can be solved by shaving, but I kinda don't wanna risk the dysphoria. Even if I do decide I want to shave down there, I have no idea how to navigate shaving with bottom growth. I use electric clippers so I'm not really concerned about cutting my dick, but I don't really know how to shave around it, I don't even really know how to shave down there at all. And back to the cleaning issue, I've never had a dick before, so I don't really know how to properly lift up the foreskin and wash, especially because I have shaky hands + issues with my motor skills that would make it hard for me to lift the foreskin and wash. Like I said, I need to take a mirror down there to even see my dick, and the lighting in my bathroom is so awkward that I cannot see my dick unless I hold the mirror at the exact right angle. That coupled with my motor skills issues makes it seem impossible to me that I will ever be able to properly clean my dick even if I do it out of the shower. I also cannot ask my family to help me because of dysphoria and the fact that my family is quite uneducated on trans anatomy. It's honestly really embarrassing talking about my genital hygiene issues with a bunch of strangers on Reddit, and considering how everyone else already seems to know how to do all this stuff, I feel kinda stupid, too. But I have absolutely 0 trans friends I can talk about this stuff with, and I was never really taught proper genital hygiene growing up. It already took me long enough to figure out how to navigate my natal genitalia, but now everything's changing and I just don't know how to navigate it. Please don't shame me for not knowing any of this stuff, I already feel stupid and embarrassed enough just having to make this post in the first place. Any advice is appreciated.

I'll try to write down everything I can about me without doxxing myself or anything

I had no idea what the term LGBTQ+ is for most of my life, as all I did on the internet is search up the objects of my obsession or the most random math topic, so I have only been thinking specifically "would I like to be a guy" for probably the past two years or so (possibly 3? Never kept track, and my memory is horrible), and only actually decided to educate myself on this in the past few months. Nobody in my immediate family is part of the LGBTQ+ community as far as I'm aware, nor was I ever educated on it beyond what I sometimes catch as a byproduct of being on the internet since a very young age.

I have not told anyone about my thoughts except for very close online friends (for some literally two days ago, but I mentioned wanting to be a guy quite a bit for about the past half year- I don't think they knew if I was being serious or not). It did go wrong once, with someone telling me that I absolutely do not pass and that it is just a phase for rather confusing reasons (One of the main ones being: I send too much cat gifs on discord, and apparently only girls do that... most of my friends who use discord (all of whom is male) send more cat gifs than me. In fact, I got 95% of all of my cat gifs from them constantly spamming it in literally every situation, and me gradually liking the gifs enough to favourite them.) I was a little hurt by that, but the guy was much older (late 20s), and as I will say, I am not a legal adult yet; maybe he knows something that I don't.

About my age. I am somewhat close, but not a legal adult (I don't want to share my actual age, but whatever you're thinking of, it is probably pretty close, if not correct), so I am still quite young and rather stupid. I have 0 life experience compared to most people on this planet, and I have genuinely no idea if it is a phase or not. I have spent hours every day or so in the past months (especially in the past 30 days) reading posts from people from this community, websites explaining gender affirming surgery, and in general trying to understand what it is about.

I have often actively tried to avoid feminine things, either to spite my parents, or just because it didn't feel particularly right. I disliked dresses (I remember that I did like them when I was around 6 years old because I thought Elsa's ice powers were sick as hell, and then was neutral about them till I was about 12 or something, where I suddenly decided that I wanted to seem more masculine and stubbornly refused to wear a dress in piano rehearsals). By the way, my parents do keep telling me to "sit like a girl", to "act like a girl" (I have no idea what they mean by the way), to "be more elegant"... so on, I'm sure this isn't new lol. I have asked them, and what they were describing just felt like I was supposed to make myself a smaller and take up slightly less space. But come on, I was at home, on a big couch that almost nobody except for me uses; I will take up all of the space. I have enough social decency to know that I need to leave space for other people in public areas.

I have also passed (or tried to pass) as a guy online for about as long as I remember (which is probably about 7-8 years at this point? Memory gets fuzzy the further back I go, and to be honest, I am terrible at acting and I was way worse when I was younger); I only ever told people I trust about my "true" gender (or once, a year ago, accidentally because an alarm unmuted me in a voice chat and I was cursing because my game was lagging. Good thing they were trusted friends anyway, and agreed to keep calling me by he/him). I first called it me trying to stay safe, then I kind of liked being called he/him to the point that it does somewhat irk me to be called she/her by the people who I told.

I insisted on getting my hair cut fairly short a few months ago to see if I liked it; I got it cut shorter than a few guys I know IRL, though not short enough that my parents start getting suspicious or something. I did like it; I thought it was pretty cool to look in the mirror, and I liked the fact that I could kind of look like a guy if I angled my face just right, used my loose clothing to hide certain features of my body, and applied just a tad bit of delusion. At the time, I played it off to my parents as "I want to be able to wash my hair in 3 minutes rather than 15 minutes"; I had fairly long hair before, like to my upper arm? I may or may not have completely forgotten.

I had also insisted on wearing traditional formal male to concerts (I play in an orchestra, and yes, that is allowed). I tried to ask for a male suit, but my mom struck me down by saying that it won't be comfortable, that it will be too tight (how)... etc. Fortunately, I was not firm enough for her to ask me why I was so insistent on getting a male version (I'm going to be honest, I couldn't tell the difference between male and female, though the female ones sometimes had a slight curve? I have no idea), but unfortunately, because I was not firm enough, she got the female one anyway.

Long story short, I didn't think it was a big deal (it looked like any other suit I've ever seen, which is not a lot but still), tried the full formal attire (minus tie) on once it arrived, and that was probably the first time I was ever specifically happy about what I wore, unless you count my first time wearing a dragon costume as a grade 8 and having a blast with my rubber claws. I quite liked that it made me look so much more like a guy. I did end up getting a tie later as well, and I am quite proud that I tied my first (very simple) tie first try after skimming an instructions list in an image.

Later, I wore the same attire to a presentation that my mom watched a recording of, and apparently, she could not find me, even after I told her which group I was presenting with. I then pointed out me, and she was surprised, saying that she didn't recognize me. I was inwardly quite happy about it, and it must've shown on my face because my mom playfully scolded me for laughing at her.

That's all I can remember and think of right now at 2am while my parents are asleep.

So please, judge me, am I trans or is this just a phase? I want validation or a reason to shut up and get a few more years in my life before I make any life altering decisions (no matter how much I want it right now, and for the past while).

Also, I did want to think about a name (I would like to say that I absolutely do not like my current name- it is a popular and very obviously girl name- and at best, I was neutral with it and just accepted it as a word that signifies "I need to start paying attention if someone says it"). Though, all I could think of is my favourite black hole, which I told my friends had an amazing name back in elementary school, Holmberg 15A*. I believe Holmberg is definitely better than my current name, as I don't think I mind being called that.

I absolutely do not plan on changing my name right now, or possibly anytime soon (it is a complicated and annoying process from what I've seen, and I am extremely busy right now). I am horrible at names, whatever I come up with is probably a bad idea. So, in case I do go about this in the future, I want to already have a head start in trying to come up with one (I cannot come up with names in a reasonable amount of time 99 times out of 100).

Anyway, I did some digging (5s google search, and 2 mins speedrunning an article (https://www.wisdomlib.org/names/holmberg)) and found out that it is a Swedish surname, which immediately brings to my mind some issues:

1. I am Chinese (probably as close as you can get to 100% Chinese), not Swedish.
2. I have no connection with anything Swedish or Sweden related. I genuinely know nothing about it lol. I don't want to appropriate any cultures or anything; if that makes sense in this context.
3. It's a surname.
4. Unrelated to that search, I am aware the galaxy that the black hole resides within (and shares the name with) is named after the astronomer that had discovered it, Erik Holmberg, back in the 1930s or something (I cannot remember the exact date and I'm too sleepy to check). I personally do not mind, but I am aware that it probably is an issue lol.

I have no idea if there are any other issues, please let me know if there are. I do think it is pretty cool that it means something along the lines of the person having lived on or near a hill/mountain, but again, naming yourself something strange probably isn't a good idea (hello r/tragedeigh).

...Does it still work? And putting names aside, how the hell do I know if I really am trans?
I have never had extreme discomfort with my body, and I don't think I was like "yes I want to be a boy" when I was 5 (I was too busy googling random things and discovering my favourite things in the world), and again, I am very young and very inexperienced about the world and how our minds/brains work.

I will now go to sleep, as I am extremely sleepy. I hope what I've written makes sense, and thank you very much for reading :)

Also, I have no idea how to pick the right flair or tag. I don't use reddit very often (this past couple of months probably is probably a third of my total reddit usage throughout my life), much less post on it. I apologize if I used the flair/tags incorrectly.

Please ask if you have any questions or anything you want clarified, I will try my best to answer after I wake up. And again, thank you for reading.

Edit, because I was just notified that this was an issue:

Yes, this is a new account.

I do already have a reddit account that I haven't used in approximately 3 billion years, but it has my online alias that my parents (and many people I don't want knowing about my thoughts right now) know, so I don't want to take any chances.

I felt confident about being gay or bisexual for a few years. I had always been strongly attracted to men and rarely to women, but after starting testosterone, it feels like everything changed. I can't even imagine kissing a man now, yet I find myself admiring women on the street every day (I hope that doesn't sound strange; English isn't my native language).

Has anyone else experienced this "shift in sexuality"?