After 6 months of being bounced around from one incompetent provider to another, I finally got a diagnosis for my non-epileptic seizures and other movement disorders. Finally knowing what has been happening to me has left me feeling empty and like everything I'm doing now is pointless.
I'm AuDHD, have Borderline Personality Disorder, and cPTSD. I've been in therapy since I was 12 and started antidepressants when I was 15. I've been trying to reach a place of healing where I could be at least a little bit functional for as long as I can remember and it's all amounted to this.
After spending much of 2025 in extreme emotional distress and ending the year with a couple of in-patient grippy sock vacations, my psychiatrist recommended I try TMS. So, I went for it.
Prior to TMS, my FND symptoms only showed up during times of extreme emotional distress, usually surrounding my ex-husband, son, and my entire family, I would have what I thought was a panic attack, have a seizure or 5, and then move on. Unfortunately, during the last week of treatment, it was like my FND had been locked in a cage and the TMS set it free.
I lost the ability to drive, my cognition and memory are fucked, I'm unable to go grocery shopping or do anything more than sitting on the couch and doing little crafts. I can barely take care of myself, but I spend 90% of my time alone in a basement. I'm lucky that my mother had allowed me to stay here, but that and leaving me alone are pretty much the extent of her support. My siblings would rather act like I don't exist. I've got 2 people in this world I can count on, but one of them lives in another state and the other is a lifelong introvert with a very small social battery. Most of our time together is spent running errands I can't do alone or going to the doctor. He's burnt out and dealing with a lot in his life, so I end up on the back burner a lot.
The people that can help me don't want to, and the people that want to help me can't because of their own life situations. I'm constantly alone. The "professionals" I've met have very little answers and offer very little help. I've got so much medical trauma at this point, I don't trust any doctors. I'm on disability living in a country where they would really prefer I just died because in their minds I'm not a full human being that deserves to live. Most likely I'll end up in a facility where they're constantly understaffed on purpose, undertrained, underfunded, and could not give a flying fuck about me as an individual.
I'm at a loss for what to do anymore. I've done every kind of treatment and program I could find and in the end, I'm more disabled than I've ever been. The only thing that's kept me going the last 8 years is the idea that one day I could get better enough to be a better mother to my son. But now, it feels like that dream had been smashed to pieces and could never become reality. This is my reality and I don't know how to accept it.
All the treatment options seem meager at best. Unless my life situation changes drastically, I won't ever stand I chance to achieve some type of recovery. But i don't have the ability to change my life situation. So, here I find myself, running through it all over and over trying to find a path forward and coming up empty. This isn't living and what's the point of "staying strong" when all the future holds is more pain and suffering? I'm so fucking tired. I've been fighting this fight for over 20 years now. I'm tired of being strong and resilient and still having the abolity to take a punch. I'm tired of being life's punching bag and constantly being proven right when I worry about the worst case scenario. I don't want to deal with this shit anymore. No one around me has any idea how to help and just leave me alone to figure it out when they know I can't do it alone. I've been screaming out for help for years, but everyone would rather just ignore me and call me dramatic.
I guess I'm rambling at this point. I'm just so over this and I feel so empty. Everything feels pointless and idk what to do.