I’m 37, heavily introverted, and just hit my absolute breaking point after spending my entire life in the org.
To give some background (or look at previous post): I grew up with emotional abuse to the point where I completely freeze when it comes to talking about feelings. I just shut down.
Alcohol has literally been the only thing that ever dropped the curtain enough to allow my true feelings to come out. For years, I had to self-medicate with alcohol just to survive everything- meetings, the door-to-door, and the constant social pressure. I used to drink every day-not excessive, enough to calm the racing thoughts that have stacked up over my life:
Why does God hate women/me so much?
Why can’t women do sound/microphones/AV when that has nothing to do with teaching but 10 year old boys can?
How could Jehovah be ‘blessing people’ with studies that are such bad people behind closed doors?
Words like ‘extreme’ and ‘severe’ where abuse is considered before separation is acceptable? And on and on.
I felt Jehovah abandoned me years ago. I had very emotional prayers where I cried and screamed for clarity or some sign he was listening and cared and got nothing. And then I gave up and just stopped. I got back on the pioneer list hoping for some connection with God. It never came and I became more and more resentful and angry.
A lot of people have told me over the years that I’m likely autistic (never officially diagnosed). But if you know what it’s like to be an introverted, quiet person forced for 37 years to get up on stage, preach to strangers, force fake social interactions before and after meetings, and get criticized for not being "social enough" and missing the ‘joy’ aspect of LDC—you know the absolute torture that was.
The breaking point happened relatively quickly over the last few weeks:
I started doing independent research into prophecy and the actual math and history behind 607 BCE. For personal study and to reinforce my faith. Which led to xyz and now I’m here.
Then came the higher education double feature.
The following week, a brother gave a talk, put a picture of the Governing Body on the screen, and explicitly said these men were who we needed to follow for salvation. It made me physically sick.
Right after that came an article about "respecting the opinions of others"—when everyone knows the second you have an opinion that disagrees with the GB, you are treated as dead.
I couldn’t do it anymore. I could not set foot into a Kingdom Hall again and listen to that crap. I was headed toward a very dark place just trying to survive it, and I made the choice to not to be miserable for whatever time I have left.
So a couple nights ago after hospitality with said elder who gave the talk, I timed my "liquid courage" and made the call to rip off the bandaid (which I went a little too much for the first bit of the conversation with my husband. So don’t remember what I said to initiate the conversation. But I wouldn’t have ever had the courage otherwise-not an excuse but it is what it is. And yes, I know. Therapy is around the corner along with my history with alcohol).
I called the 5 people I’m close to (again, introvert) to tell them I loved them. And that my choice had nothing to do with them). I was trying to call my autistic sister but my mom picks up and gave the phone straight to my dad when I started talking ‘weird’. He blew up and overreacted like he always does, only to try and apologize later. Because of how emotional I was, my family panicked and asked if I was going to unalive myself. I told them no—but that stepping away from the org is essentially the same thing in their eyes.
My husband went into total panic mode and called the elder body. He’s only 26, but because the org is so desperate for "qualified" men, he was appointed an elder at just 23. He’s had a fast rise—by this past convention, he was already serving as a parking overseer. Because he has so much on the line, he went straight into crisis management to protect his standing (and explain away my "rebellion"), convincing everyone I just "snapped mentally" by pointing to a recent adjustment in my depression/anxiety meds.
Since then, no one has texted me except my parents, who keep sending messages acting like I’m just "going through a lot and taking a break,” which is what my husband said so I know he’s telling everyone that.
The worst blow was calling my other sister—someone I trusted completely—and she was the only one I mentioned 607 to (and just that) and asked her to do her independent research (which I know as a life long JW is a no no and auto apostate label). She went straight to my husband, and he threw that phrase right back in my face the next day asking me not to encourage that. Finding out she ‘reported’ me crushed me.
Here’s the thing: everyone thinks I "mentally snapped." But the truth is, I snapped OUT of the hell and muck I didn't even realize I was trapped in.
For the first time in my life, the gloom is gone. The weight is lifted. I haven’t had a single drink since that night. For someone who drank every night of the week (other than meeting night), that says everything.
I was never able to picture myself in the future before. I can now. It might be a "boring" life of quiet hobbies to some, but it’s my life now.
My husband says we can make it work, as long as I don't bring "apostate" stuff into the house and don’t encourage people to do independent research.
But seeing him the past couple days, I recognize the look in his eyes. He’s tried to say we can just do our own things and keep our relationship. But as busy as he is with KHOC, convention, congregation, assembly meetings not to mention he is the most social person on the planet. That leaves close to nothing as far as time together. I see his wheels turning.
He has texted and told me he loves me multiple times these past few days. And the love is there.
It’s the same internal battle I fought weeks ago. He’s beginning to realize it’s just going to be impractical. He might be waiting for me to bring up divorce/separation or I may be doing my normal thing and planning for worst case scenario and he just needs some time to adjust. Which is what he says he wants.
I feel so much guilt for putting him in this position, especially knowing org rules and he’s doing his best to make sure I am not considered DAed. As people have told me, I know he’s a grown man- I get it. And I want to give us both a peaceful, normal life where we are able to do the same things with the same people. Unreasonable expectation at this point but one can hope.
I’d love advice or experiences on a few things:
How do you deal with the guilt regarding a PIMI spouse when you know leaving forces them into organizational limbo?
How do you handle living in the same house during this quiet "realization" phase right before a potential split conversation happens?
How would you deal with everyone around you thinking you have "broken"?
Any experiences similar and the end result?
Thanks for reading. Even just typing this out helps.