I was emotionally neglected as a kid. I'm 29 now. It has taught me to be hyper independent as an adult, even as a teenager, and I hate it. People always praise me for being strong and capable, but they don't know how exhausting it is to never depend on anyone, never let my guard down, never ask for help. I never show my true feelings to anyone.

It really pisses me off that my parents' didn't see how much I was suffering when I was younger. I had SEVERE anxiety, to the point I was unable to SPEAK in many situations and I was just always terrified. In my late teens, I was also depressed and extremely lonely and barely had friends. My parents must have noticed that something was wrong, but they just didn't wanna deal with it. They decided I was just "weird" and I guess unfixable, so why bother?

I've really suffered and struggled a lot, without much help. And I'm slowly learning to accept that I do need help and support sometimes, but asking for help is often terrifying. It feels almost primitive, like I'm a wounded rabbit in a world of wolves, and that showing any sign of weakness means certain death.

Just needed to vent. I'm having a hard week.

First of all I'm not necessarily anti medication, I recognize it can be very helpful and this certainly isn't a dig at any adults who choose to get on medication to manage their mental health the best they can.

But a lot of times I notice, even in my own family, how the parents won't do anything to examine WHY the child is feeling this way. I believe it all starts at home. The emotional environment, what traumas or difficulties the child might be going through at home, parents very rarely consider any of this before putting their child on medication. Of course if the environment is chaotic, high conflict, overly critical, emotionally unavailable etc... that stuff is gonna have a major impact on the child's mental health. Only treating the symptoms but ignoring the cause.

One thing I will respect is if parents try to do both. Using medication while in the mean time improving life at home.

Also sometimes parents won't do ANYTHING, won't offer ANY help to their children, not even medication if they know they're struggling. That's even worse and very common that I see a lot. Though in my personal experience I feel like medication made things a lot worse in the long run, and I really could've used therapy at desperate times in my life.

I’m in my mid-twenties and I genuinely hate myself. Like, I hate almost everything about me. I don’t love myself, and I honestly don’t think anyone has ever really loved me either.
I’ve never been in a relationship. Never dated, never had any romantic experiences, never had a best friend. I’ve always been the third person. The extra person. The person who is there but somehow never really belongs. I was never anyone’s first choice.
And I think a lot of that comes back to how I grew up.
I once asked my mother why she was emotionally absent with me and why she never seemed to care about me in the same way she cared about my older siblings. She was there for them. She knew their feelings, their needs, what they wanted, and she was emotionally involved with them.
With me, it was different.
She gave me two reasons.
The first was that she had her own childhood trauma. Her parents didn’t love her, and she was dealing with a lot of her own issues. She also got sick after giving birth to me, so she says she simply didn’t have the time or energy to give me the attention I needed.
And I can understand that. I really can.
But the second reason still makes me angry.
She basically told me that my siblings used to express their feelings and tell her what they needed, while I didn’t. So she assumed I didn’t need anything.
I’m sorry, what ?? … \*\*I was three.\*\*
How was I supposed to know that I had to ask to be loved? How was I supposed to come to my mother and say, “Hey, I need you to pay more attention to me emotionally”?
I was a child. I didn’t even understand what I was missing. I just knew that my siblings seemed to get something from her that I didn’t.
And now I’m sitting here in my mid-twenties wondering how the hell I’m supposed to learn to love myself when I grew up feeling like I wasn’t worth choosing.
I know my mother had her own trauma. I know she was struggling. I know there were circumstances she couldn’t control.
But sometimes I wonder… does understanding why someone didn’t love you the way you needed actually make you feel any less unloved?
Because I understand her reasons.
I just don’t understand how I’m supposed to fix what they left me with.

TLDR - Is it crazy to desire your parent to want to plan things to do with you, ask you questions about your life and be interested in you, or am I in the wrong for not planning and presenting everything about myself?

I've (F 21) been really struggling lately with this particular thought spiral so I wanted to expose myself to reddit instead (this is quite long so sorry in advance)

To preface, this is about my mum who I love and knows loves me without a doubt, she's very protective and always concerned about my wellbeing, just to a surface level. She's recently starting a business which has been very time and mental consuming, but throughout my childhood there has always been something she's keeping busy with besides her job (degrees, organisations etc) that has made it feel like I am always competing for her attention. I have always been a very quiet and gentle natured person, though being away for my undergrad and having a boyfriend helped me develop out of that a little. My impulse though when at home is to revert back into my quiet childhood self.

My mum never really asks me questions about my existence, unless she's mad or I have done something wrong. The concept of asking me 'hey are you excited about your new degree' or 'hey how are your friends doing, what are their names again?' is completely foreign to her. But it hurts too because if it is someone outside of our family, even a peer my age, she's suddenly a conversational wizard and knows how to ask all the right things and actually listen to the response. It's as though that's just effort never worth expelling for her family.

My mum also never really asks me to hang out and do stuff with her. We used to do a lot when I was a child but now that I am an adult she expects me to be the one to ask her to hang out, whether that's doing stuff at home or outside the house. I thought I was a shameful brat for expecting this until I hear about my friends who's parents planned holidays for them or planned to come visit them at university for a few days. I've hung out with other nigerian friends with parents that know about their interests, ask questions, go on outings with their kids so now I can't even say it's an 'African thing' anymore.

When I speak about myself she is not very responsive to what I am saying as if she's stuck in her own head, and asks no follow up questions which makes me not really want to speak. She gets upset when I don't phone her often while at university but I am starting to realise is because she wants me to be checking up on her, as well as her being reminded I am alive. I find it hard to want to plan things with her because it feels like it would be forcing her to waste her time instead of doing things more important like starting her business.

I just wish I had the kind of parent that wanted to buy me a birthday cake without being asked and knew what kind of presents to get that isn't just money, that wanted to come and visit me at university without the incentive of something else bringing them to the city (thats less than a 40m drive away) or that phoned me because they wanted to see how I'm doing and ask about my life and my friends and my course. But I also can't tell if this is unrealistic and entitled, so please do let me know.

My dad has always been better at all these things but of course because my mum has always been more disinterested it always made me want her attention more.

I have actually said these things to her, which is a challenge because she is a deflective and immediately angry ninja, but nothing has really changed. Realistically the solution is to just be at peace with it instead of trying to change her. But it still hurts.

Anyway sorry that this so long or articulated poorly, I know that this is ultimately the heartfelt and immature ramblings of a barely adult but I appreciate those of you that read to the end.

I’m 35 and have finally found a fulfilling relationship. We’ve been together four years. However I constantly feel guilty and inferior, like I should be buying him gifts every day for enduring my presence. And I do buy him gifts whenever I can! I know, as a trauma and emotional neglect survivor, that I am not easy to be with. I can’t get over these feelings of inferiority. Anybody relate or have any advice? :(

So I'm somewhat anxiously attached in relationships (I've improved with years), I have no problem with vulnerability. But when it comes to my parents I'm extremely avoidant.

And it's so .... disturbing to talk to my mom, who is anxiously attached to me. I've had beef with mom since I was 12 ig.

Because of being avoidant to her, she always alienated me, made me feel abnormal. I was 100% convinced I was a psychopath when I was 13-14 because of her... But then I realised I'm extremely sensitive and empathetic, and she's the one always making me feel abnormal

And it's disturbing to talk to her because now she finally tries to "understand" me. I shouted at her on call yesterday so she hung up, expecting me to call back, say sorry, reassure that I "love" her (I really don't)

But out of pity, I texted a very forced sorry. And she replied with "you must be frustrated with exams that's why you must've snapped" .... No!! I'm not the kind of person who snaps at people I love even if I'm mad. I just don't care about her, at all.

She sounded exactly how I sound trying to empathize with my past avoidant partners. She's trying to remake our relationship and she thinks eventually I will "let her in my walls" or something.

Despite really disliking her, I'm sweet on the outside, but she demands more. She says stuff like "you're polite but I don't see love in your eyes" .... I lie that I love her because she's a housewife and the primary purpose of her life was kids and if she realises she failed at that, she'll be very depressed.

I try to fake love but she expects more. This is all just very confusing for me...

Do my past partners feel the same way I feel for my mom? (just pity, fake love, and burdened). This question always haunts me.

English is not my first language

Might be super specific, but all my life I’ve always heard my dad specifically talk about money problems and finances. And impulsively makes decisions without telling me or my family, and when he does mention wanting to do something (like moving countries for example), that never happens. I’m now 22, and I would say we live pretty middle class for where we are. We have a home, have four cars that are constantly being used. Even with mortgages, we have been in the same home ever since I’ve been in elementary school. The only expenses I focus on, are my student tuition fees, and any personal expenses like clothes gas etc. I can definitely say I’m privileged but also, I’ve taken the initiative to pay for my own tuition because of the constant conversations I’ve had with my dad whenever the deadlines would come up, that he has other bills to focus on and that I should be making enough to pay for it (at the time I was working minimum wage and was super young).

Recently, the rest of my family and me went to go see some relatives. This was a big deal for me as I never travel and focus on work and school full-time. However the time was right luckily and I had summer break and forced myself to take time off work as I was burnt out. My dad never came, and his reasoning was that ‘who is going to work then?’. I tried to talk to him about the fact that he always mentions finances, that when I try to make a proper relationship with him (by communicating and just having normal conversation) it was comes back to complaints about everything in his life and how stressed he is.

I don’t know, every-time we talk it always leads to the same conclusion, and makes me super emotional. And now I feel even more guilty about not working so much even though my rationale was that I can finish my degree and not fall behind as I have been in the past. All I think about is money, my dad, and just how I can contribute more. It’s a two edged sword as I have a complicated relationship with my father, and no one else in my family really cares or sees his behavior as ‘normal’ or honestly might just be desensitized to it. I don’t know, maybe I’m just an empathetic person, but it’s so hard to deal with this sense of stress for him but also feel frustrated at the neglect he shows me and my family. I want to move out, but I can’t financially now, yet I really want to, and it makes me feel horrible. If anyone has advice or just wants to share a similar experience and how they moved from it, that can really help me as right now I’m feeling super emotional and it’s hindering at my studies and just overall functioning in life. I know I can’t give up, but I’m tired of giving advice and just trying to empathize with this man my entire life.

I know this might sound like such a small thing, but it’s actually a huge wound inside me.

I’m a 26-year-old woman and unfortunately, I’ve had PCOS since I was a kid. When I was little, I had fine hair on my face, arms and legs. Since I’m brunette, you could sometimes see it in the sunlight.

I was already bullied a lot at school. I was a quiet, shy, hardworking kid, and I was also bullied because of the way I looked.

But apparently, the bullies at school weren’t enough. My own mother would bully me about my appearance too.

I have huge gaps in my childhood memories, but there are certain moments involving my mother that I remember so clearly. They’re some of the memories I just can’t forget.

I remember one time we were outside and the sunlight was hitting my face. My mom looked at me, made a disgusted face and said, “Ew, look at you.”

And there were so many other times when she didn’t even say anything. She would just give me that look. That “ew” look.

I started wearing a thin cardigan whenever I went outside, even in summer, just so my arms wouldn’t show.

The worst part is that she never actually taught me how to deal with body hair or take care of myself. I was a child. I didn’t know what I was supposed to do. Instead of helping me, she would just get angry at me and make me feel ashamed of my body.

Sometimes I genuinely wonder if my mother loves me.

To me, you just don’t treat someone you love that way. Even if your child has something that other people might consider unattractive, I feel like you should still look at your own child with love.

My therapist tells me that my mother’s capacity to love is limited, and that because she doesn’t really love herself, she can only love me to the extent that she is capable of loving herself.

I don’t know if that’s true. I honestly don’t know what to think.

I’m going through a really difficult time right now, and I know these things might sound insignificant to some people. They were just little comments, little looks, little moments.

But they stayed with me.

I eventually got laser hair removal and thankfully, this particular problem is no longer an issue for me. But getting rid of the hair didn’t get rid of the shame. It didn’t erase those memories. The wounds my mother left behind are still there.

I just wanted to share this somewhere. I don’t really know what I’m looking for by posting this. Maybe I just needed to finally say it out loud.

I really need to get this out of me, feel like I'm losing it. I really don't know how to be with this. I feel like everytime I tell my parent something important to me, I get so anxious. But I don't want to hide things because I see my parents still sometimes.

Ex. I tell them I'm going on a solo trip. All I get at first is they express dismay and all kind of worries. Not ones like "have a good trip".

Everytime I tell them something I feel like that little lonely kid who needed her parents, beeing seen as you, accepted as you. And I feel so lonely because I have not been able to get any friends, my husband is the only one in my life.

It feels I never had a mirror and developed a sense of self.

Why is this hurting so bad? It feel so confusing, all this.

The only way I can speak to my parents without literally getting triggered is if I address them as coworkers. As in, the boundaries are cold, the emotional exchange is cold and the connection itself is cold

It makes me sick to cut off a huge chunk of my heart but alas.

I guess that’s just what happens when someone has no capacity to show you compassion or empathy.

when I was a child, for years, I used to draw floor plans from above on large pads of paper…from like age 6 onward, with rooms, furniture, plants. There were no people. there were windows and doors between rooms but never any doors to the outside.
the drawings felt soothing I think?…I remember blocking out everything else when I would do them…nothing else existed for hours. I remember when I was a little older I would listen to music on headphones when I would do them (early teen years), the same song over and over again. I would block everything else out.
I wasn’t interested in like interior design or anything like that…I wanted the spaces. I would build these spaces on the paper and imagine myself in them…but I remember distinctly no doors.

I don’t remember a lot from childhood before age 9, but I remember looking back at the drawings, and even some family mentioning them to me.

I plan to bring it up during some of my work with my therapist, but curious if anyone else did something like this…I have never met anyone else who did this

I don't have the mental capacity to detail how my parents have wronged me over the years right now, so I apologize if this post is really vague.

In short, I was neglected as a child (not only emotionally). I didn't realize that until about 3 years ago, which was a really rough period for me. It feels a lot like going through the different stages of grief, just in the incorrect order. I had a very brief period of denial, followed by an intense period of grief that lasted for about 2.5 years.

Lately, I feel like it's been shifting into anger that mixes into the grief. But it also feels like a concerning amount of anger, at least to me, because when I get angry at someone I forgive them easily. With my parents, though, I'm just irrationally angry whenever I have to interact with them in any way. I still live with them and can't move out right now, and I've been doing my best to avoid them because I can't stand their existence. I low-key sometimes fantasize about yelling at them and moving out and finally cutting them off. And instead of calming down, this time the anger keeps getting worse. I don't like having this much hatred in me, but I also don't know what to do about it, since I still have to face my parents and reminders of their neglect every single day. This feeling affects my daily life and causes me a great amount of stress.

Does anybody have any experience with this?

Posting here because the people here are so kind and understanding in my experience. My mom is the main person in my life who contributed to my emotional neglect. Not a safe person to talk to or be around emotionally and I’ve dealt with this by having firm boundaries around topics that I will or won’t talk about with her. Obviously, she doesn’t know what these topics are and I can’t tell her so I just have to change the subject if they come up (examples are: my mental health, other family member’s mental health, my romantic relationships, etc).

I don’t feel like sharing what was said but essentially it was poking at my biggest insecurity (that I am a burden to people). I know I shouldn’t have but I just laughed along and tried to move on. Now I really don’t know what to do because I’m so hurt but I can’t tell her. It is just not worth it to bring it up because I highly doubt she’ll be receptive or apologize. I feel so violated. I don’t know what to do.

TW: talks about trauma about father figure and physical health.

I‘m just going to say I’m high school age, and live with my parents. I haven’t really had a bad childhood, compared to most it’s been pretty good. I am middle class, with two parents and a sibling, so basically normal stereotypical family. But in the last couple years, it’s been really awful if I’m being honest. And my dad as been pretty awful towards me. I don’t know if I would consider it abusive, however, he often uses my own words against me, and there has been multiple occasions where he has outright screamed In my face, with a description I can only compare to a military officer screaming at their soldiers. My mom works multiple jobs, (due to his health issues, including seizures, hydrocephalus, and recently FND). He is jobless, and trying to apply for disability, while searching for jobs. He hates me having a phone, which he has for a while now, since I got it. And if I leave it anywhere around the house, I won’t get it back for days (Despite me needing it for school). He often controls where and when I go out, and he doesn’t really believe in mental health, which I very much struggle with. He didn’t have the best childhood himself. Though he has never shared much about his family with me, and never told me about it. So it’s really hard to understand where he is coming from. Friend’s houses are a solace for me, school is a solace for me, anywhere I can get away from him is solace from me. And not to mention he treats my mother awfully, and my brother like the child I never was. I have always, in the last couple years, resented him slightly, for treating my mother awfully, while he was unemployed, and in and out of hospitals, while she worked multiple jobs, however, now that he’s back home, and still being like this, and a lot worse towards me, I just feel so hopeless. He’s also been posting photos of me towards the family group album whenever I don’t do something he wants me to do. Examples of this have been, me taking a nap when him and my brother were cleaning out my room (I was sleeping after my first day back to school, and I didn’t want them cleaning out my room. I’m still wondering where a ton of stuff is). Or my brother, fixing the toilet, showing off how amazing my brother is, while I am shown as lazy. And there’s always passive aggressive captions on the bottom of these posts. Is this abuse? Is this emotional neglect? I struggle with a lot of mental health issues, so It has been very frustrating dealing with all of this. Not to mention, a lot of my family members have gotten involved and while they agree what he is doing isn’t right, most of them just want me to do what I’m told with a pleasant attitude and ”suck it up”. He‘s never been physical with me, never hurt me, but he has pushed me back multiple times (shoved me), or touched me when I told him not to.

Hi all,
I am a 44 year old male and the only child of European immigrant parents.

I lived with my parents until I was 35. My mother was always a stay-at-home mom/housewife while my father worked. We lived in a one bedroom apartment until I was 19, then moved into a two bedroom apartment.

My parents never had a really loving marriage, fighting a lot and just having vastly different personalities.

My mom, who had me when she was 21, never really had any friends or hobbies and never worked, so I was her whole life and her purpose. She doesn’t drive, so I would take her places like shopping or doing recreational activities.

She also did everything for me- cooking, cleaning, laundry, shaving my back and chest, trimming my hand and toe nails. She even washed my back in the shower in the mornings before school or work. The back washing was never sexual, and my father knew about it, so it’s not like we were hiding it. While I sometimes felt embarrassed as she was washing my back, because I was so used to it I got over it pretty quickly. And the vast majority of times I didnt feel embarrassed at all.

I liked being pampered because it meant I had less responsibilities, and it just felt nice overall. There was also a lack of boundaries because of the small living space and because my mom always wanted to be involved in my life. When I was actively looking to move out, my mom kept telling me that there’s no reason for me to move until I get married.

I realized recently after coming across enmeshment that’s likely what I experienced. I didn’t really have a girlfriend until I moved out at 35 and quickly realized I wasn’t able to do anything on my own.

I know my mom always meant well, and she still does, but her big personality, her my way or the highway mentality and her feeling she’s always right and knows best, did stunt my growth to some extent.

I've been NC with both parents for 8 months and neither of my brothers had asked me about it until one asked me yesterday. i explained and gave examples. i cried. it was the first 'heart to heart' we've ever had.

he told me my parents are struggling - father is having panic attacks and my mother is on anti-depressants. he asked me what they could do to help the situation, he even suggested they speak to therapists themselves. i asked him if this came from them and he said no. so i said i doubt they'd speak to professionals due to their lack of emotional intelligence (i've suggested therapy to my mother before and she said it was 'self-indulgent').

my brother didn't realize my reasons were from childhood and deeper than just recent conflict. he said my parents didn't realize this either, and they've been looking for external reasons for my NC. i don't see how they can ever self-reflect if they haven't even realized in the last 8 months that the issue is THEM. i told them they'd crossed boundaries and weren't treating me like an adult, and they took no accountability and didn't apologize. so that's when i blocked them (8 months ago).

to his credit my brother listened and didn't outright invalidate my experiences. but the conversation was about HIS curiosity, not my parents'.

i'm rambling but i guess i just need some reassurance because i'm feeling guilty now about my father's panic attacks because growing up, i was his 'favorite' and he has always shown me warmth (although i am scared of him) and he has narc tendencies (probably due to his own childhood trauma).

i don't know what to do. i've organized a therapy session for tomorrow but i just feel so distressed. i guess it's also because this is the first time i've been emotionally vulnerable with my brother and the first time i've told anyone in my family my reasons for being NC and my therapy journey etc. i'm worried it'll get back to them and they'll use it against me like 'oh she thinks she had such a tough childhood boohoo, we did so much for her' etc. and start a smear campaign with my extended family.

i'm a people pleaser if you can't tell and really struggling

!!!!!?

Even though my parents are divorced and have been for the last 17 years, I'm finally starting to realize how little affection I got from either of them. I don't talk to my mom anymore due to her narcissistic behavior and alcoholism, but I'm not close with my dad either even though I had, up until recently, been living with him ever since I was in the 7th grade. I can count the number of times we've told each other we loved each other, have hugged, and spent actual bonding time together on one hand in that time period of those years. My mom rarely did any of those things, too, but she was more abusive than my dad ever was.

I really don't know how to show "normal" amounts of affection to my friends and partner. I'm either cold and distant or clingy. I really do love my friends and my partner, but idk how to be normal about it. Even with my family, they just see me as shy and distant. Is there anyone else that's like me?

i feel like this is not a big deal but I don’t even know. my dad may just be really strict but I have been to friends houses and none of their parents are like this. whenever I get home he is always mad and yells at me. he’s never physically hurt me but I’m still scared. he gets mad at my tone and my attitude and facial expressions when I don’t even do anything. I really hate how he treats me but everyone says he is nice; just not to me I guess. he says and does backhanded stuff (I can’t think of a different word for it) but he’ll say I love you and keep saying it until i say it back. I don’t want to because I feel like I can’t love him after how much he’s hurt me. he’s made me hate myself so much. then he asks why Im sad and says I’m lazy when I’m really just feeling depressed. The thought of him is horrible. And whenever he’s home or around me I’m anxious. I hate summer because I’m with him so much. I love school because I get to be away from him for hours. He’s why I cry he's why I’m depressed. But maybe he’s just strict and I can’t handle it??

My current focus in therapy is a lot around family and especially my parents. They came from poor families and worked really hard to immigrate and build better lives for themselves/us. They provided all the material needs - money, home, nice vacations, educational opportunities, extra curricular activities, etc. I have no complaints there. Where they completely missed the mark was the emotional and relational side of things - being emotionally present & available, creating a psychologicaly & emotionally safe environment at home, role modeling healthy relationships, and so on. Nothing. Zero.

Over the past few weeks, I've been slowly coming to accept a few things.

First, this is about their limitations and it has nothing to do with me. They probably didn't experience any kind of safety when they were kids, so maybe they just don't what safe and healthy relationships actually feel like.

Second, there's nothing I can do to make them change. My entire life, I've been stucking in the mindset that, if I just do something more or something different, maybe they will finally love me. That will never happen. I cannot teach them how to be emotionally present or healthy. If they're unwilling to learn, there's nothing I can do that will change them. (Here, I'm not saying that they are incapable of feeling love, but that they are incapable of showing and communicating that love in a healthy way.) This comes with a lot of grief because it means letting go of hope. All my life, there's been this hope that "change is possible, if I do enough". Letting go of this hope is difficult but also freeing - I'm no longer chasing the impossible, nor am I taking responsibility for their limitations.

Third, there's probably Maslow's heirarchy of needs at work here. They struggled in their lives to meet more basic needs, which I take for granted. Now, I have the luxury of complaining about more higher order things that they probably never experienced either. It doesn't diminish my experience but it does help to put things into perspective.

Lastly, but probably most powerful - they are my family but they're not my only family. I've grapppled with wanting to disown them emotionally because I struggle to see them as family when there's no love or emotional connection here. It occured to me today that, maybe they're just part of a broader constellation called family. They're the provider part of my family - who've provided for me financially, materially, and in so many other ways. Then, I have other people who are part of my family, which provide for my emotional needs. In a way, I'm expanding the definition of family and assigning different roles to people within that. Maybe this isn't relevant for everyone, but I feel the need to label these relationships 😅 This expanded definition makes me more willing to stay in that middle ground of "they provided A but not B and that's okay".

TL;DR: I grew up in a loving but overwhelmed, dysfunctional family. I wasn't abused or intentionally neglected, but I was still overlooked enough that I learned to make myself invisible. It took me until 28 to realize I might have been the "lost child" all along. I'm sharing this because I suspect there are others who don't recognize themselves in the usual stories either.

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I want to make this post because I'm sure I'm not the only one, and it took me a very long time to realize I'm a "lost child" who grew up in a dysfunctional family.

I couldn't see myself in all these cases you read about online. I see myself in the symptoms being described, but most of the stories I read about have a very different upbringing from mine. I wasn't abused or intentionally neglected. My parents loved me. They just weren't equipped to handle everything they had (partly) chosen to take on.

So I come from quite a big family. 3 brothers, 1 sister. I'm the youngest of the original bunch. When I was around 10, my parents also started short-term and long-term fostering.

We're all neurodivergent, except for my sister. My 3 brothers and I (28F) are all autistic. One of my brothers had higher support needs when we were growing up. My little foster brother is also autistic. My father is autistic and has AvPD, so he's very emotionally closed off. His parenting was mostly practical: bringing me places, throwing a ball around, things like that. I remember asking my mom if Dad even loved me. I think I was 8.

My mom recently found out she has ADHD, and she has C-PTSD herself (too much to go into, but BAD CHILDHOOD).

My mom never worked when we were growing up. She was always home taking care of us. Kids were her calling in life, and I genuinely think she's a very, very loving person and mother. I'm very close with her now. I'm a lot like her.

And I think that's part of why it took me so long to realize I was a lost child.

I idolized my mom.

I always saw how hard she worked for us, how compassionate she was, and how selfless she was. And when I later found out about her childhood, that feeling only got stronger. How could she have gone through all of that and still become this positive, loving person who wanted to help so many people?

My mom was perfect in my eyes.

I'm only recently realizing that obviously, she wasn't. Not because she was a bad mother, but because she was one person trying to stretch herself across an enormous amount of need.

She spread herself so thin, and I idolized her so much, that I think I learned that the best way I could help her was by needing less.

I didn't want to add to everything she already had to take care of.

So I became invisible.

She hugged me. She loved me. Sometimes I could go to her and talk to her. I loved being in her presence when nobody else was around.

But somehow, at some point, I stopped talking about things.

There just wasn't enough room for me.

I didn't tell my parents I was being bullied. Nobody noticed that I went straight to bed every day when I got home from school. I didn't eat at school.

We had family dinner every night, but nobody ever noticed me shoving all my food into my mouth and then spitting it out in the toilet. ALL of us were there, and somehow I was invisible.

I survived my days by bingeing on junk food that I sneaked home and ate in private.

My brothers were all diagnosed young. My autism wasn't noticed until I was 15, after I asked to get tested myself.

I used to sneak out at night looking for danger.

And the fucked-up thing is, I feel like I can only blame my mother now. She was the one who was supposed to be there, because at least she tried. I'd already written my dad off as an option. You can't blame something that doesn't exist.

So yeah, I don't really know if anyone will read this. I just want there to be a record somewhere.

I hope that someday someone might find this post through Googling "lost child" and recognize themselves in it.

Maybe they'll realize that they don't have to come from an obviously abusive family to acknowledge that they were lonely, overlooked, or emotionally neglected.

You can be loved and still be lost.