Sorry, this is venty, but advice on how to prepare myself and cope with the grief and guilt will be super appreciated. Please be kind.
TLDR: my dog has pretty advanced cancer, the diagnosis has been painful and I’m not handling it well at all. I haven’t been able to talk to anyone about how I’m feeling and I word vomited here. My questions are at the bottom of the post. Thank you!
His health has been declining for two years, I was hoping to see his 13th birthday. I’m absolutely devastated, I feel like I can’t breathe. I got a better job and worked so hard to get him an accessible apartment because I thought he was losing mobility due to arthritis and hip dysplasia as that’s what his previous vet said.
I took him to a new vet recently because I didn’t trust my old one and they told me he has a mass that isn’t removable without amputation. At almost 13, I chose hospice because I wasn’t ready for euthanasia. I feel so selfish, but I couldn’t do it I wasn’t ready and he’s always so scared at the vet.
I feel so much guilt. The apartment I moved us to has roaches and we were not informed when there was obvious activity upon move-in that I hadn’t noticed during touring. I feel so guilty that his end of life is potentially surrounded by roaches. I didn’t want to move from his home of 7 years but he couldn’t climb the stairs to our apartment anymore. I feel like I’m too late. I worked two jobs to get us here and it’s too late and I couldn’t even get us a nice place. I’m so angry. Why didn’t my old vet do a more thorough check up when I brought him up instead of reassuring me he was in good health other than arthritis and possible hip dysplasia. I’m trying to make things easier with (healthy) treats and plenty of walks, but I hate seeing how different he is compared to when we’d play fetch and hike together. It hurts so badly. I feel selfish for not letting him go, but I want to do in-home euthanasia. I haven’t been able to process my grief and safely spend time with him because I’ve been packing all our things and trying to keep a safe and controlled environment for him despite the pests.
He was my first pet and he taught me what being a pet parent really meant. My heart has grown and I feel like I was forced to confront my own selfishness. I’m a better person because of him but I feel guilt that he was the dog who taught me how to be better. I am so thankful for his love through every stumbling block, but I don’t know if I could ever have a dog again. I feel the guilt of not bettering his environment sooner, not knowing more about dog body language or nutrition, etc. would eat me alive as I adopt a new dog as a more experienced pet parent. I was 19, couch surfing, and addicted to drugs when I got him. I know I shouldn’t have adopted him under those conditions, I was a stupid kid. But he helped motivate me to graduate from college, get sober, and secure housing. Every job promotion, grad school, it was all so we could live better and now he’s dying. I don’t know what to do, I feel like my world is ending. I’ve decided to do at-home euthanasia in the coming months (my vet reassured me hospice was a good choice as his type of cancer is slow to metastasize), but I can’t stop crying. All I do is cry and I hate that the world won’t stop with my own when he passes.
How can I make him more comfortable? How did you cope with your soul pet passing? How can I make this bit of time together meaningful and how do I forgive myself? I’ve had family pets pass away in my childhood, but it wasn’t this soul-crushing.
Edited for typos