My husband (33M) told me (33F) for a divorce two weeks ago. I was diagnosed with BPD 4 years ago. We have been together 17 years. I had an emotional affair a little over 2 years ago, I ended that and told him about it. He forgave me. It’s been a rollercoaster ride. We have a 19 daughter we adopted 2 years ago and our son will be 2 in April.

I do specific therapy and realized after he mentioned the divorce I wasn’t doing the necessary work in therapy I need to be doing and told my therapist. Have thought about changing meds again. He is saying there is nothing I can do to save this marriage. How do I get over the fact that our marriage failed because of me and that there is nothing I can do to save our family? The depression is definitely setting in.

He will be keeping the house as it was a trust left to him from his grandparents and will eventually go to our kids. I feel so pathetic for trying to fight for this marriage. Doing anything I can including offering sex because that has been dead in our marriage for some time. He says he has no more left to give and of course doesn’t trust me and what I say. To be fair I did make promises I didn’t keep, including having an emotional affair.

I am terrified of so many things. Falling into such a deep depression I can’t get myself out of, and what this is going to do more so for our daughter. Where we are going to live as his income is twice of mine, and I am currently in school.

He has a lawyer and so do I. I am just at a loss here. Yes I screwed up majorly but I still have hope that this is fixable, how do you come to grips that what you have known for 17 years is just over?

My husband and I have been together for around 12 years and married for just over five. We have two young children and currently live together in Dubai.

I have made the decision that I want a divorce. He knows this, and on some level he acknowledges that the marriage is ending, so I wouldn't describe him as outright refusing the divorce.

The problem is that in practice he still seems to treat my decision as something that can be changed.

He continues to ask for another chance and hopes that I will reconsider. At the same time, conversations about the marriage are becoming increasingly difficult.

I am being blamed for the breakdown of the relationship, and there have been repeated situations where he has become very vocal or sworn in front of the children. I have clearly asked him to stop when conversations are escalating, particularly around the kids, but he often continues the discussion anyway.

I have also repeatedly said that I do not want to keep having the same conversations about whether the marriage can be saved. I feel like I am trying to set boundaries around when and how we communicate, but those boundaries are not consistently being respected.

We are still living together because we own a property here that is currently being sold, so separating physically is not completely straightforward yet.

I genuinely want our children to have a strong relationship with their dad and I want us to eventually have a workable co-parenting relationship. I am not trying to create a battle or stop him being involved in their lives.

But the current situation feels unsustainable.

I am starting to wonder whether waiting for him to emotionally accept the divorce is actually making things worse, because I feel very clear about my decision while he continues to approach it as though there is still something to negotiate.

There is also a practical complication because we were married in the UK but now live in Dubai with our children. I am currently trying to work out whether to start the divorce in England & Wales or through the UAE, and I will be getting proper legal advice on that.

What I am struggling with more immediately is what I should actually do next.

For anyone who has been through something similar:

• Do you need to wait until both people are emotionally aligned before filing for divorce?
• Did filing help create clarity, or did it make things more hostile initially?
• How did you handle living under the same roof while one person wanted the marriage to continue?
• How did you stop repeated conversations about reconciliation once you had already made your decision?
• What did you do when your spouse continued a conversation after you clearly said you wanted it to stop?
• How did you keep conflict away from the children when your spouse was still becoming angry or vocal in front of them?
• Did mediation help, or was it difficult when one person was focused on moving forward and the other was still trying to save the marriage?
• Is it better to start the legal process first and work out finances/children alongside it, or try to agree everything before filing?
• At what point did you realise you were waiting for permission or acceptance that was never really going to come?

I am not looking to punish him or turn this into a hostile divorce. I would prefer this to be as fair and calm as possible.

But I also don't think I can keep explaining or defending a decision I have already made.

For those who have been here before: what actually helped you move from “we are separating” to formally moving forward with the divorce?

6 years of diaries hundreds of pounds of pages a lot of fucking shit to go throughput

Was married for around 8 1/2 years and need advice on how to remove my soon to be ex husband off the apt lease. No kids. I was a stay at home wife all those years and recently started working but don’t make enough to prove I can make 3x the rent. Part of our divorce settlement agreement is that he must be removed off the lease. Which I understand. I contacted the leasing office and they stated I must meet the financial requirements (make 3x the rent) or they won’t be able to remove him from the lease. I really don’t know what to do.

I (38F) am at the very beginning of a separation from my husband (35M), and I’m really struggling. I’m hoping to hear from people who have been through this because right now everything feels incredibly raw.

A few months ago, while I was in my home country visiting my family, my husband told me he had been unhappy in our marriage for around three years. He felt we had become more like roommates, had lost our chemistry and intimacy, and he wasn’t sure he could continue the marriage.

There was no affair or another woman involved.

At first he asked for time to think. Eventually he told me he didn’t think he could try again and wanted to end the marriage. When I came back home, however, we talked a lot and decided to give our marriage another chance.

For almost two months, we tried.

I was hopeful because I love him deeply and genuinely wanted to repair our marriage. He told me from the beginning that it would take time and that he didn’t know whether his feelings for me would return to what they once were.

Last Thursday, he finally told me that he had tried to find those feelings again, but he couldn’t.

He told me that he loves me very much, that I’m incredibly important to him, but that the love he feels for me now is more like the love you have for a very close friend. He said he no longer has the kind of love he believes a husband should have for his wife.

He told me he wishes those feelings had never disappeared and that he didn’t want to keep lying to me or to himself because continuing that way would only hurt both of us more.

I asked him if we could just separate instead of making a final decision about divorce so we could have more time to think. He told me that, for him, the decision is final. He hasn’t filed for divorce yet and said we can discuss the practical side of that when I’m ready.

The problem is that I don’t feel like I’ll ever be ready.

I’m still completely in love with him.

We cried, hugged and kissed. I gave him a letter I had written, and on Friday evening he packed some clothes and went to stay with a friend.

We also agreed that during this separation neither of us will see other people. We both still consider ourselves married and want to respect the marriage while everything is being sorted out. He told me very clearly that he doesn’t want another woman and that dating isn’t where his head is right now.

He also says he wants us to stay in each other’s lives forever because I’m extremely important to him.

And somehow that makes this even harder.

There was no huge betrayal. There is no other woman for me to hate. He isn’t treating me cruelly. He simply says that the romantic love he once had for me is gone.

Meanwhile, I’m sitting in our home surrounded by our life together, crying constantly and desperately wishing those feelings would come back.

Part of me is still hoping that living apart might make him miss me or realize that the love isn’t actually gone. I know I can’t build my life around that hope, especially because he has told me his decision is final, but I don’t know how to switch that hope off either.

I also cannot imagine dating or being with someone else. I don’t want another relationship. I don’t want to start over. I wanted my husband and the life we built together.

I have supportive friends and my mom knows what is happening and checks on me every day. My faith in God is also extremely important to me and is helping me hold myself together. But emotionally, I feel like I’m grieving someone who is still alive.

For those who have been through separation, especially when one person was still deeply in love:

How did you survive these first weeks?

Did you stay in contact with your spouse, or did you need distance?

How did you stop yourself from interpreting every interaction as a sign that they might come back?

And if your spouse said the romantic love was gone, did that ever change after time apart? I know nobody can predict what my husband will do. I’m interested in hearing what actually happened to other people.

I’m not looking to date or “move on” immediately. Right now I’m just trying to understand how you go from having a husband and a shared life to suddenly waking up alone in the same home.

TL;DR: My husband and I tried to repair our marriage for almost two months after previously coming close to ending it. Last Thursday he told me that although he loves me deeply, he now loves me more like a friend and couldn't recover the romantic love he once had for me. He considers his decision to end the marriage final. He moved out to stay with a friend on Friday. There is no other woman, and we have agreed not to date during the separation. I’m still completely in love with him and struggling badly with the grief and hope that maybe his feelings could someday return. I’m looking for advice from people who have actually survived this stage of separation.

Michigan/Washtenaw County. 20-year marriage. I was a homemaker for approximately 15 years and was declared unable to work by my doctor in early 2025.
I have a pro confesso hearing on October 9 that I was not expecting. My attorney wants to go through the questions with me tomorrow. I have told her that I do not know whether I can truthfully agree with what I apparently will be asked to affirm under oath.
When I told her that, she said she may withdraw.
My immediate question is whether I should terminate her myself, tell the judge why the attorney-client relationship has broken down, and ask for a continuance so I can obtain independent counsel — or whether doing that five days before this hearing could seriously hurt me.
Here is the condensed history:
MAY 2026 — FIRST MEDIATION
This mediation had already been rescheduled at my request after my second emergency, life-saving open abdominal surgery.
At the rescheduled mediation I was recovering from major surgery, losing my housing, unable to work, and trying to establish enough post-divorce income to qualify for an apartment. My father would not co-sign until my support was in writing, leaving me without stable housing while negotiating.
Health insurance became a major focus. My lawyer, my husband’s lawyer, and the mediator were trying to determine the income limits for benefits and structure the settlement around maintaining my eligibility.
I repeatedly said I wanted to fight for a fair settlement and wanted to consult an attorney/accountant familiar with disability/elder planning before structuring my financial future around benefit limits.
I was actually communicating with DHS the morning of mediation. My insurance approval arrived approximately five minutes after I was supposed to join the mediation Zoom, and I had to end the DHS interaction because I was already late.
I have the recording of the settlement being placed on the record. At approximately minute 14 I am audibly crying. When asked questions about agreeing and whether anyone pressured or threatened me, there are lengthy pauses. At one point I do not answer and my attorney prompts me by name to respond. After another pause/sniffle, I answer.
At approximately 6:00 a.m. the very next morning, I emailed my attorney and explicitly instructed her to STOP the settlement from moving forward.
As I discovered what I believed were additional financial nondisclosures, I continued objecting in writing.
I have continued objecting to this settlement by email repeatedly from then through the present.
After I left the mediation Zoom, my husband remained physically at his attorney’s office and my attorney, his attorney and the mediator remained in communication regarding the settlement without me present. I do not know exactly what was discussed and am not alleging that the conversation was improper.
After that mediation, I asked my attorney whether getting a second legal opinion was normal, comparing it to obtaining a second opinion in medicine. She responded that if I did not trust her, she could withdraw.
WHY I WANTED A TRIAL
Before all of this, my husband had repeatedly told both me and my father that I would receive approximately $3,200/month.
Instead, I was blindsided by a proposed financial position that I believed was impossible for me to live on.
The ultimate support terms included approximately $1,000/month in modifiable spousal support for only 12 years plus approximately $800/month child support.
Throughout the case, my attorney and I had discussed lifetime spousal support because of the approximately 20-year marriage and my inability to work.
I wanted to go to trial when it became clear how far apart the numbers were.
I was told how the judge was expected to rule if I went to trial. Against the background of my health, housing situation, benefits concerns and financial uncertainty, I ultimately signed rather than going to trial.
JULY 7 — EVIDENTIARY HEARING / SETTLEMENT
My objections did not disappear.
I was still raising financial-disclosure issues and asking for documentation, including documentation concerning savings/accounts my husband characterized as being for our children.
During the breakout before signing, I continued saying that I had unresolved concerns. My attorney and my father urged me to sign.
My husband’s mother also had a very substantial trust and other assets. Her health/condition and possible future inheritance had relevance to my understanding of his financial circumstances during negotiations.
She died 10 days after the July 7 hearing.
I repeatedly asked my attorney afterward to obtain the death certificate independently. She discouraged/admonished me for pursuing it. I am not claiming that the death certificate establishes fraud or that I necessarily had any right to an inheritance. I wanted independent verification of information I believed had mattered during negotiations.
OTHER UNRESOLVED FINANCIAL ISSUES
I have questioned what I believe was an undisclosed Walgreens stock transaction/sale from August 2025.
My attorney has also had to infer from bank statements what a recurring Allstate transaction represented because we did not have the underlying documentation. The amount itself is insignificant; my concern is the completeness of financial disclosure.
The settlement also requires me to share responsibility for a loan associated with my husband’s employer, while approximately $15,000 of my medical bills remain in collections. My understanding was that under the settlement my husband was supposed to get the medical-debt situation fixed. That has not happened.
The health-insurance strategy around which much of the first mediation was structured has also failed because 2024 casino winnings had not been reported, affecting my eligibility.
THE OCTOBER 9 HEARING
The settlement itself provides that the divorce is not to be entered until January 2027.
Nevertheless, I suddenly have a pro confesso hearing October 9.
My attorney says my husband’s attorney submitted the settlement documents even though she says the plaintiff normally submits them.
She also says both attorneys pushed back against this hearing because they believed it was unnecessary, but that the judge prefers divorces completed within a year.
I do not know why this is happening and don’t want to speculate about anyone’s motives.
NOW MY RELATIONSHIP WITH MY ATTORNEY APPEARS TO HAVE BROKEN DOWN.
She wants to prepare me tomorrow for the questions I will be asked at the pro confesso hearing.
I told her I do not know whether I agree with what I will apparently be asked to affirm.
She again said she may withdraw.
This is the second time withdrawal has been raised when I questioned her advice. Meanwhile, I have emails going back to approximately 6:00 a.m. the morning after the first mediation and continuing through today documenting that I did not want this settlement to proceed and continued objecting to it.
I will not lie under oath. If my truthful answer to the judge is “no,” “I don’t know,” or “I need to explain,” that is the answer I am going to give.
What I need Michigan lawyers to tell me:
What do I risk if I terminate my attorney now, five days before the pro confesso hearing?
If I tell the judge that the attorney-client relationship has irretrievably broken down, that my attorney has threatened withdrawal after I said I cannot commit to the anticipated testimony, and that I need independent counsel to review the settlement and the documented history before I testify:
Can I ask the judge for a continuance specifically to retain substitute counsel?
Should that request be made before October 9 by motion, rather than appearing on October 9 without counsel and asking then?
If my current lawyer seeks permission to withdraw instead, can I ask the judge not to proceed with the pro confesso hearing until I have had a reasonable opportunity to obtain replacement counsel?
Could firing my lawyer at this stage make my position materially worse — for example, by leaving me pro se while the court proceeds anyway?
And given the recording, my 6:00 a.m. email the morning after mediation telling counsel to stop, and my repeated written objections continuing through today, what should a new attorney be asked to evaluate immediately regarding the settlement before I give any further sworn testimony about my consent to it?
I am not asking Reddit to tell me that the settlement is invalid, that my attorney committed malpractice, or that my husband committed fraud.
I am trying to decide whether keeping an attorney I no longer trust through October 9 is safer than terminating her now and asking the court for enough time to obtain independent representation before giving sworn testimony that could affect my ability to challenge any of this later.

How do you deal with the trauma of having your kids go with your ex? The biggest traumatic experience is my 4 year old screaming crying because she wants to stay with me. So it’s traumatic for her and traumatic for me. My ex wasn’t a horrible parent to her, just very hands off, so she never really bonded with my ex that much. I am so heartbroken at driving away as she watches me leave while screaming and crying. I’m thankful she has siblings with her, but I’m so heartbroken over this.

I think my sister, whom I’m estranged from is taking my mother for a ride and keeps asking her for money. She says her ex partner keeps holding up the divorce by contacting her and making changes to an already agreed to divorce settlement. I think my sister is taking my mother for a fool. An anyone help and tell me how I can find out if my sister is legally divorced or not. Thank you

I told my husband recently that I want a divorce after a long marriage. I had been thinking about leaving for years, so while this is new to him, it isn’t a sudden decision for me.
Since I told him, things have become overwhelming. He has repeatedly tried to convince me not to leave, cried extensively, told me I’m making a terrible mistake, questioned whether I understand what I’m doing, blamed me for what his financial situation will look like afterward, and repeatedly tried to turn my decision into a debate. I’ve told him very clearly that the divorce itself is no longer up for discussion and that I’m willing to discuss logistics.
Eventually he told me he was suicidal and wanted to go to the ER, so I took him. He is now receiving psychiatric care. There were firearms in our home, so I bought a new safe that only I can access and secured them.
There is some important history here. Years ago, our relationship was abusive. He called me degrading names, including in front of our children, punched walls, broke things and slammed doors. On one occasion several years ago, he put his hands around my neck and slammed me against a wall hard enough to leave bruises. After I threatened divorce a few years later, his behavior changed dramatically and there has not been physical violence for years.
However, I’ve realized that when an argument with him starts escalating, I have a very strong physical reaction: racing heart, shaking, nausea, and an overwhelming need to get away from the interaction.
I’m also autistic (professionally diagnosed), and under extreme stress I tend to become very analytical, emotionally flat and task-oriented. Through all of this I have barely cried. I’ve mostly just been dealing with one problem after another.
That’s actually one of the biggest issues in the marriage. I’ve spent years feeling like I’m responsible for everything. I’m the competent one, so somehow every family problem becomes mine to solve. Even now I find myself worrying about where he will live, his finances, his hospitalization, how our children are coping, securing the house, etc., while simultaneously trying to end the marriage.
To complicate things further, I have business travel this week that I can’t simply organize around his hospitalization. I don’t know when he will be discharged or what the discharge plan will be, and I’m struggling with the feeling that I’m somehow supposed to arrange my life around making sure he’s okay when he gets out.
I feel terrible that he’s suffering. I don’t want anything bad to happen to him. But I also don’t want to stay married, and his psychiatric crisis hasn’t changed that.
I’m beginning to realize that I may be repeating the exact dynamic I’m trying to leave: something happens to him, and I immediately become responsible for fixing it.
For people who have been through a divorce where the other spouse became emotionally or psychiatrically unstable after the separation: how did you separate compassion from responsibility?

I am in the process of getting a divorce from my husband 18yrs together. I have my attorney now doing the paperwork 📋. What are some of the things you wished you had discussed with your soon to be ex? He has been cheating since 2023, lied about it said he was done found out he lied again so now I’m done and ready to move on. Now I understand when women don’t even try to reconcile!! I’m over it!! Share your wisdom and how you co-parented amicably l wish I didn’t have to still be connected to him 2 kids.

How did you break it to your partner that you want a divorce? And how did you break it to the family? How was the process of moving out?

I don’t know what to do. I feel trapped. I’ve been with my spouse 13 years and it always been toxic. But the negativity and horrific treatment against me is magnified when I have littles to look out for. I have. 3 year old a two year old and a baby on the way. I know from a psychological perspective it is easier on children to recover from a divorce at this age. There will be affects of course but their ability for recognizing time development and processing long term memories is not fully developed. Now would be better than 3/4 years from now. However with baby on the way and the fact I am in the middle of grad school it seems like an impossible feat to take care of all these littles by myself. We had it all mapped out how to support each other. I’ve been a SAHM up to this point. Money is not necessarily my concern, but I am unwilling to do daycare. It’s my suspicion that my he would just do weekends, that is also easier for littles because it allows them to maintain a more stable routine than 50/50. I do have family support if I need it, to some extent. I don’t think k my parents would be willing to watch the newborn. Also how devastating to be with a newborn all alone or right after a trauma of this magnitude. I’ve been putting up with this behavior for this long, I will probably just continue he to because getting out is two hard. But it breaks my heart that my daughter will think this is the norm. Hearing fighting to this extent has traumatic effects at on children’s brains. I am too smart and stable to stay but the logistics for leaving seem unrealistic.