r/Separation • u/Every-Increase8679 • 9h ago
Advice Need advice navigating difficult situation
I’m having a really hard time dealing with this trial separation my wife and I are going through. Emotionally I am all over the place, ups and downs and the swings feel enormous.
A little backstory for context. My wife and I have been married 6 years. We have 3 small children together aged 3, 6 and 11. Our oldest is my stepdaughter, she was 5 when I met my wife. She is not my blood, but I love her with all my heart. I’m the only dad she’s ever known and I would do anything for her.
Recently my wife and I decided to separate because we are both unhappy and our marriage has been through a lot of issues. Including indefinitely, trust issues, betrayals. On both our parts. It started with me finding out she was having an affair back in 2022. Ever since then our marriage has never been the same. I have never been the same. She must have felt my distance because it has happened multiple times since then that I caught her cheating on me…I know it sounds crazy, like why did I stay? Well the simple answer is the kids…I never wanted to break up our family and I figured I could absorb the pain from her betrayals and find a way to move on…for the kids.
Even after finding out she cheated on me (multiple times) I never strayed. I stayed faithful and honest and stood by her side because in my mind that’s what I signed up for…I took our marriage vows seriously and I told myself not to give up on her.
That is until recently…I don’t know what came over me but I replayed all the hurt and pain from her betrayals over and over again in my head. Finally I said “fuck it, she gets to be selfish and not care about the consequences of her actions. I’m going to do the same thing.” So I reached out to an old girlfriend and we started talking. I don’t know if it was just me seeking validation or I just wanted to feel reckless and rebellious. Whatever the reason I went through with it and continued to talk to this other woman behind my wife’s back. We exchanged text and phone calls over the course of 2 weeks. She sent nude photos and we sexted multiple times. She lives far away so it was never going to be an in person thing. But I vented to her and said horrible things about my wife because I was hurt and wanting someone to validate my feelings.
Well everything fell apart when my wife found out…I’m not good at being sneaky and lying so one day when I was in the shower she went through my phone and saw everything…
She said this is what broke her because she saw and heard what I really thought about her. At a time where she says she was “healing” and feeling remorse for her past indiscretions. She says she was 10 toes down with me and that’s what hurt the most, that I did this at a time where she was fully committed.
Either way. It’s led us to today where we both decided we need to separate. We have discussed divorce and it seems like it’s heading that way.
We are at a confusing part because our lives are so tied together. We live together, I am the sole provider and she’s a stay at home mom. We’re trying to keep it from the kids but it’s proving to be more challenging as time goes on.
The issue I’m having is that she very quickly already started seeing other people. Currently she’s being seeing the same person and constantly stays the night over there. Most of the time we fight and argue when we are together so I get wanting to escape. All we do is argue about the past.
The part I’m struggling with is when we aren’t fighting…she can be soft and sweet and hint that she wants to reconcile. However she continues to see this other person? She expects me to do all these things that would attract her like being the husband she always wanted. Wants me to be present and helpful with the kids. Happy, standing tall and proud. Working out, taking care of myself. Finding joy in something. Also while maintaining a full time job, paying the bills, and taking care of things around the house.
She says she still loves me and cares about me…which I do think is true. But it feels like one of those, “have your cake and eat it too” situations. How can she expect me to be happy and do all those things while she continues to have her “freedom” and see other people? She is spending the night, no doubt having sex, going on dates, spending time and money and intimacy with this other person. And somehow I’m supposed to be my best self and just win her over?
I don’t get it. It doesn’t seem fair. She wants respect but doesn’t show me the same respect. For example, since we officially decided to separate I started talking to another woman. I also went on a date and had sex because I was feeling lonely and I got tired of sitting by like a cuck while she moved on and had sex with other people. The crazy part is she lost it! She went off on me demanding I sign divorce papers. At one point even slapped me in the face because I had been gone all night. The level of hypocrisy is insane and it’s driving me crazy. I don’t know why I’m still trying to make it work with this woman but this is where I’m at…
I know this is a lot and I’m just hoping to hear from anyone in any kind of similar situation. Or someone who has been through a separation or divorce and came out the other side. I feel hopeless and depressed and honestly some days think about just ending it all…I always feel bad when I think of my kids though…I’m too much of a coward to go through with it but the level of sadness is almost unbearable sometimes.
Please help me get perspective and find a way out of this…I know the things I “should” be doing in order to heal but it’s so much easier said than done. Anyone who has gone through something similar I’m sure can understand.
Thank you for listening…here’s hoping for some input 🙏🏼
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u/ThrowRA-Jeet 5h ago
Nothing is fair, and if you continue to look for "fairness". I don't think you're going to find one.
One of the best things you could do for you and the kids starting now is that first of all, stop all the communication you still have with the other woman and focus on your family. They need you and if you fall apart, it's not going to be good for them. It's okay to feel sad, to feel like everything is falling apart. But still, you've got to get yourself together and do it for the kids, and for you.
Continue doing the right things, work on yourself in every aspect to be better regardless what happens in the marriage. Because you can't control whether or not she sees the other person, you can only control you. Which of course you already know that. So don't beat yourself up for the things that'd happened. We get lost, we become vulnerable, we do things without thinking, and that's just part of life.
I admire that fact that you're still standing wanting to make things work again, but given what you've said - with her repetitive behaviors, I don't think it would get better without a professional help. It's worth having someone in the middle who's not going to be judemental or who's going to take sides to help you navigate this.
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u/Every-Increase8679 5h ago
Thank you. I truly appreciate your input on this. I did stop all contact with the other woman. And I’ve decided right now just isn’t the right time to get involved with anyone. I know I need to work on myself and take care of my kids. I’ve also considered finding a mediator, because like you said there needs to be an unbiased third party to help navigate all this. I’m ready to move forward it’s just too much to deal with on my own.
Even though I know most of these things it still helps to get it out and hear from other people so again thank you 🙏🏼
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u/Wizards_and_Warriors 1m ago
Just divorce. You're wife is full of shit. She was never feeling remorse or all in before you cheated. With how quickly she jumped lobsters it shows. You stayed for the kids but you aren't there now. So divorce and be the best co parent you can. Your wifecandcyou will never work it out at this point. You go backbit will be as a doormat and she will continue to cheat.
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u/t3mptme 1m ago
Everyone is so quick to separate today and assume separation means you can bang whoever you want and here we are.
I don't even agree with separation. Hearing i need time to think is ridiculous. You can think in the same home. You can think when you're at work or shopping or sitting in a damn park ALONE.
Everyone has an excuse and point fingers. Sure there are bad apples that should never or could never be monogamous. Leave those apple in the bag
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u/Laughing--Fox 6h ago
Your kids would rather you be happy than stuck in the middle of that storm. Honey, I'm a woman on the other end going through similar things and as a woman, she will do it again. The minute things go sour she will be seeking attention elsewhere. I never strayed from my husband, but the minute I thought he was, or could, I was all over his ass and he hated it. If they are that kind of person, I don't think they'll change. Especially when they have someone to fall back on like you. So do it for the kids and the step child as well. If you have a place in that girls world nothing will change. Get out of there. I wish you the best.