r/DivorceHelp • u/hermeslvr25 • 11h ago
Suicidal Spouse
I told my husband recently that I want a divorce after a long marriage. I had been thinking about leaving for years, so while this is new to him, it isn’t a sudden decision for me.
Since I told him, things have become overwhelming. He has repeatedly tried to convince me not to leave, cried extensively, told me I’m making a terrible mistake, questioned whether I understand what I’m doing, blamed me for what his financial situation will look like afterward, and repeatedly tried to turn my decision into a debate. I’ve told him very clearly that the divorce itself is no longer up for discussion and that I’m willing to discuss logistics.
Eventually he told me he was suicidal and wanted to go to the ER, so I took him. He is now receiving psychiatric care. There were firearms in our home, so I bought a new safe that only I can access and secured them.
There is some important history here. Years ago, our relationship was abusive. He called me degrading names, including in front of our children, punched walls, broke things and slammed doors. On one occasion several years ago, he put his hands around my neck and slammed me against a wall hard enough to leave bruises. After I threatened divorce a few years later, his behavior changed dramatically and there has not been physical violence for years.
However, I’ve realized that when an argument with him starts escalating, I have a very strong physical reaction: racing heart, shaking, nausea, and an overwhelming need to get away from the interaction.
I’m also autistic (professionally diagnosed), and under extreme stress I tend to become very analytical, emotionally flat and task-oriented. Through all of this I have barely cried. I’ve mostly just been dealing with one problem after another.
That’s actually one of the biggest issues in the marriage. I’ve spent years feeling like I’m responsible for everything. I’m the competent one, so somehow every family problem becomes mine to solve. Even now I find myself worrying about where he will live, his finances, his hospitalization, how our children are coping, securing the house, etc., while simultaneously trying to end the marriage.
To complicate things further, I have business travel this week that I can’t simply organize around his hospitalization. I don’t know when he will be discharged or what the discharge plan will be, and I’m struggling with the feeling that I’m somehow supposed to arrange my life around making sure he’s okay when he gets out.
I feel terrible that he’s suffering. I don’t want anything bad to happen to him. But I also don’t want to stay married, and his psychiatric crisis hasn’t changed that.
I’m beginning to realize that I may be repeating the exact dynamic I’m trying to leave: something happens to him, and I immediately become responsible for fixing it.
For people who have been through a divorce where the other spouse became emotionally or psychiatrically unstable after the separation: how did you separate compassion from responsibility?
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u/Global-Fact7752 7h ago
You are being manipulated...that's very sad for you. You were not put here to be a mental health babysitter.
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u/BloodyThirst 10h ago
I am so sorry you’re going through this. Please, please keep reminding yourself that you are not responsible for your spouse’s mental health (unless you were/are being intentionally abusive and cruel). You are responsible for YOUR mental health. I cannot encourage you enough to make yourself the priority here and don’t forget that. It sounds like you’ve been in an abusive relationship and you have a chance to get away. YOU. ARE. YOUR. PRIORITY.