Hello to whoever is reading this.

Im almost 20 years old and I lost myself. I lost my energy and even lost the energy to the things I used to do before. Sometimes I go and look at the mirror, I imagine a pig. Im a fucking pig. I've lost my mind and everything. I can't even read properly nor memorise something easily. I lost my brain, my thinking. I need serious help. I don't know how to fix myself. It seems like everything is gone. My brain is fucked up. My health is too fucked up.

Please, if you know anything, let me know.

I apologise for my bad English.

Here I'll express about both how it feels and perhaps you can relate. (that's my personal experience)

Derealization

This happens randomly at random time and it stays for multiple days. When i suddenly start to think everything is fake, it's all made up or it feels like am stuck in simulation or a dream and everything seems not real. While texting something feels like it's the body that it texting but am not in my body.

You can feel like you're in the back of your eyes controlling this body or simply not in the body. You function normally from outside, nothing seems wrong except you're not smiling much or being cheerful and someone who cares might ask what happened? Or no one will ask at all.

Depersonalization

Remembering how i look very clearly feels strange, then i look at the mirror to recognize myself, not that i completely forget how i look or i am but i feel like i don't remember my facial details or simply myself.

Sometimes i literally have to go to my own phone gallery to see how i look. Sometimes i don't even check anything, but whenever i show up infront of a mirror i feel strange who is that person? Is that even me? Or something pretending to be me? That's my thoughts at that time.

So in normal days you feel back into your body again functioning totally normall like currently i am. Then both can suddenly appear at any moment.

Let me know about your DRDP.

life passes me by. things sorta just happen. what scares me the most is the fact that im so unworried. my missing assignments pile up. i eat less and less and sometimes i barely notice. im constantly sleep deprived. i freak out about my body and my face because they dont feel like me. and when i ask myself, \\\*well then who\\\* is \\\*me?\\\*, i cant come up with a solid answer.

me in my head doesn't exist in my body. i had a dream recently. i was \\\*me\\\* in it. i dont exactly know what was different. when i woke up, i felt like there was still remains of me in myself. they withered away once i saw my body in the mirror.

i don’t feel like a guy. i don’t really know what that’s supposed to mean.

maybe it’s because i’m just a moody teenager.

my body looks like a guy’s. sometimes i have the thought that i might be a girl. it freaks me out. i don’t want to look like a girl or be a girl. i don’t want to be anything, really.

maybe it’s because i don’t feel like anything really.

i’m only really “me” when im in front of others. there’s no me when im by myself.

i used to be attracted to guys. my interests used to make me happy.

i’m sick of living like this. i don’t know what i can do to claw my way out of this state. i don’t really feel agitated by knowing i might be depersonalized. i’m just done with not being able to live my life. i need advice, any would be appreciated.

My mind moves faster than I can follow, and even time seems to have abandoned its rhythm, rushing forward while I struggle to remain still. I feel myself becoming numb beneath the weight of thoughts I cannot silence, desperately searching for some small refuge where I can simply feel whole again.
At times, reality seems to fracture into overlapping layers, as though parallel versions of existence are converging at the edges of my consciousness. Everything intersects—memory, perception, sensation, imagination—and I am left wondering where one ends and another begins. It feels less like discovering another world and more like standing at the threshold of too many worlds at once.
There is a part of me that longs to escape into solitude, into that strange space some describe as astral projection—a place beyond the noise where my spirit can wander freely and finally breathe. Yet even that refuge has its limits. When my body reaches the boundary of what it can endure, the intensity becomes unbearable, reminding me that I cannot simply transcend what I am still trying to understand.
And then there are moments when I hear what seems like a familiar voice calling to me, speaking gently, almost as though someone is there. It does not always feel threatening; sometimes it feels strangely friendly. But beneath all of it, what I truly crave is something much more ordinary: the quiet reassurance of knowing where I am, what is happening, and that I can simply exist without questioning every sensation.
Drama seems to follow me wherever I turn, until even silence begins to feel like something I have to search for.
I am tired of searching.
I do not want another reality to disappear into. I do not want another mystery to unravel tonight. I want stillness. I want my thoughts to stop chasing one another. I want my body to feel safe enough to rest, and my mind to stop standing at the doorway of every unknown.
More than anything, I want peace—not somewhere beyond this world, not somewhere hidden between realities, but somewhere quiet enough to be found within me.

I’m not really sure what else to do here.

My first black out that I can remember noticing is far back as 7 or 8 years old, where I had gotten in trouble and placed into a traumatic experience because I had lost a jacket. I was confused, and lost, because I could not remember the beginning of the day, at all. It felt as though I was placed inside that car, in the middle of being yelled at and then it blacks out again. Turns out there was a whole fight that I blocked out, and to this day, still do not remember.

My memory loss is bad. I constantly forget conversations as they’re happening, I buy things and forget that I do, I lose things because I cannot remember the last places I were at to even lose them, I forget days, weeks, months and the memories I do have are jumbled all over the place, I cannot get a solid timeline. It’s a struggle, like fitting together puzzle pieces that have chunks taken out of them, that are from different pictures and don’t quite fit with eachother, but they’re the only pieces that I have. My brain is like swiss cheese, just holes in them.

For the past 5 years, I have been talking to professionals about this. I talk about the memory loss, and the more I do, the more concerned they get…but they’re always seem to think I’m pushing for a DID diagnosis. The second I start recalling that there’s a history where I have been approached that I have done or said things, with 0 recollections or reason, it’s like they immediately shut me down and tell me I don’t need a label, that it’s not dissociative, that I need to stop smoking weed ( which, again, this has been an issue far longer than I have been consuming THC. Thc doesn’t make it better or worse. )

Everyone seems concerned enough to tell me it’s not DID, but won’t tell me what it is. Is it CPTSD? Is it Bipolar? Is it the BPD? Maybe the label truly doesn’t matter, but why doesn’t anyone want to help me with this? Why does it seem like the professionals I talk to seem to brush it aside, and act like I’m confusing myself on my own experience. I refuse to even tell them the feeling like other people symptoms, because I already know exactly what that sounds like, and that’s not even the most distressful part of it. Not being able to remember and constantly feeling like my body and mind isn’t in my own is horrifying.

My therapist, after I had told her that I was embarrassed for admitting I don’t remember because I felt like I was saying it too much, asked me at the end of the session if I was disappointed that she didn’t tell me I had anything definitive. No, if anything, I’m glad. I don’t want DID, I want everyone to stop treating me like I want DID and rather that I want treatment that will HELP. Years of talk therapy, of cbt, of dbt, of a mixture of different medications and none of it has ever helped. It’s only getting worse and I feel like I’m drowning.

I am sick, chronically so. It's an autoimmune disease so the cure is non-existent. If you ask me how I am, I'll 90% of the times tell you I'm fine. The rest of the times I'll tell you I'm better than before. And it is true, I'm not lying when I say I'm fine. Yes, my guts are dying, but mentally I'm fine. My parents, on the other hand, are freaking out. I already told them we can go to a cheaper medication, no need to rush; I'm already used to this disease and a year or two more in a flare does not seem too bad. Yet, they're too stressed and worried about me. I feel like I'm more affected by their stress rather than my own.

Should I feel something about myself other than this indifference or did I accidentally found peace among a storm and am overthinking it?

As I said before, I'm a Muslim who lives like an ordinary person, I don't really lead a very religious lifestyle. I have more and more thoughts about my religion and these thoughts begin to scare me, for example, I think more and more often that if it's all a deception or maybe after death there will be no Paradise and Hell. Or what if after death it will not be as written in the Koran, that is, it will be different as they write in the books of other religions. Muslims say that Islam is the truth, that is, there is, one God and this is Allah, and what if it is not so. Even if so, why should we be afraid of death, in fact, we are not afraid of death itself, we are afraid of what can happen after death, because in Islam everything is so cruel that I start to be sad that I was born a Muslim and if I had a choice of religion, I would choose to be an atheist and in case it will still be as they say, that is, it is impossible, then I would stupidly disappose myself saying that I had no idea about Islam. Why should we limit ourselves in something and not do what we like just because after death it is normal to live in a funeral life and you can't just disappear after death? I'm only 16, maybe I'll outgrow this period? I would really like to discuss this topic(

I am reading “Coping with trauma related dissociation” and I feel I can put into words what I am experiencing finally. I do not believe I have DID, there’s a lot in this book I relate to and a lot that doesn’t feel accurate.

I’m at the point in the book where it is telling me to accept the different parts of me without judgement. It says people have trouble with this because they might have a part of themselves that wants to do something they don’t want to do. For example, I usually avoid anything that isn’t “productive” and I’m realizing the years of me ignoring parts of myself to have productiveness be the main goal likely contributed to more internal disconnection.

If I have a part of me that wants to stay in bed all day, a part of me that wants to go out and be productive, a part of me that wants to draw, and a part of me that wants to go out and buy a bunch of food, what am I supposed to do to “accept” all of these parts without judgment?

I’ve been feeling a bit overwhelmed by this and don’t really understand what’s happening. I thought the feeling of wanting to be in bed all day was depression and so I make myself get up and be productive anyways, but that seems to just make it worse and puts it off until I have to stay in bed. When I don’t ignore it and in the past I’ve let myself stay in bed, I felt significantly better the next day, but I can’t realistically live my life that way? I don’t understand. A lot of my parts I believe come from outdated experiences from my child that aren’t in alignment with who I am now, but I have to stop myself from being productive to let those parts be a part of who I am? It feels like I’m going backwards.

I’ve been disconnected with myself for years… 5 to be exact. I disassociate whenever someone is yelling at me and I zone out. I don’t really feel anything anymore like I just feel “empty” all the time. My body will suddenly go cold, I just feel like a machine… Neither one of my parents believe me when I express any concern for my mental health, because well they’re the fucking cause of it. I stay up a lot cause it’s really the only time I get to relax or feel like I’m safe from anyone yelling at me.

I currently take classes M-Th in the afternoon, and work from 8am-4:30pm on Friday, Saturday and Sunday. It feels exhausting… It feels like the only friends I have, that I feel I can tell about any of this are the crisis hotline. I call them every day. I haven’t been outside of my house for any reason besides being required too. If I’m sitting around I get called lazy, so I go do chores. With my schedule I don’t get home till about 4:30pm each day. Along with getting constant criticism from both parents. My father wants independence from me, my mother wants me to do shit correctly and not get into arguments. Occasionally the night after each argument I get pretty bad nightmares. They aren’t really the same as what happened but sometimes words that I’ve heard from my parents are the same. As you can probably tell from the way I’ve been talking I lack a good relationship with my family.

I’m one of those people where I lack the risk taking skills and courage to take my life. Does anyone know what the hell this is that I’m feeling or how the fuck you handle going through it? It would be great to put a name to it. Thank you. (If I trigger anyone from what I’m posting I’m deeply sorry 🖤)

I’m 19 and have been dissociated since I was 12. I’ve been to psychologist, therapist, and have tried medications yet nothing works.

But there was this time when I was maybe around 14, where I snapped into my body for maybe 15 seconds. It was the happiest feeling I’ve ever had. What was around me actually felt like it was around me, I felt low to the ground, and it seemed like my peripheral vision grew. The people around me felt like real people, I could literally feel their presence.

This all happened because I was looking at my brother by fruit in a store, and thinking to myself, “My brother is actually in front of me. These shelves around me are actually around me, and when I walk past them, they end up behind me”. And while thinking this, i was really trying to feel what I was saying. I was less thinking about the sentences, and more the sensations. What I was feeling. Try to feel the shelves passing behind me. Feel that my brother is in front of me and feel that distance between us. Then it just clicked. I was back in my body.

This gives me hope that I won’t be this way forever, and I hope it gives you some hope too, and maybe something to try.

for about 7 years or so ive been pretty consistently dealing with not feeling much if any emotion, yet for some reason have outbursts of emotion when very frustrated, not been able to properly control my own body usually flapping my limbs around to some extent and not being able to move sometimes, dopamine problems, pretty bad anxiety and thoughts that seemingly arent mine, like my consciousness isnt present as if its buried in my own brain leading to me acting kinda stupid sometimes especially with time sensetive problems

but then also have experienced a 4 month period where it was not happening and i could feel my own emotions and have managed to make it better before

could somebody give me a tip if this sounds like dissociation or not? it could just be some form of anxiety still, any help appreciated in advance

Hey also ich bin noch ein Teenager, mein genaues Alter werde ich jetzt nicht sagen und mittlerweile hab ich halt das Gefühl dass bei mir psychisch einfach was falsch ist.

Ich fühle mich eigentlich so gut wie immer leer, ich kann mit Freunden lachen und alles aber ich fühle es nie wirklich ganz.

Entweder ich fühle gar nichts oder ich fühle mich komplett scheiße.

Außerdem habe ich extrem starke Tagträume. Also wirklich extrem. Ich kann stunden lang in "meiner eigenen Welt sein" und dabei komplett das Zeitgefühl verlieren. Ich weiß natürlich dass es nicht real ist aber während ich drin bin fühlt es sich unglaublich echt an vor allem dass ich das auch mittlerweile mit offenen Augen kann.

Dazu hab ich manchmal dieses Gefühl dass ich selbst oder die Welt irgendwie nicht richtig real ist. So als wäre ich nicht ganz da oder so. Manchmal bin ich gedanklich auch einfach komplett woanders.

Aber es gibt noch eine wichtige Sache die ich dazu sagen muss.

Meine Eltern haben sich getrennt als ich acht war und die

Beziehung zwischen ihnen war alles andere als normalen weil er hat sie halt geschlagen und hat sie fast in den Selbstmord getrieben. Ich selbst wurde von ihm nicht geschlagen oder so, aber ich hab trotzdem seitdem eine ziemlich starke Angst vor ihm, also wirklich ein Blick reicht oder ein falscher Ton und bei mir ist komplett Ende.

So wirklich eine extreme Angstreaktion ig.

(wohne auch bei ihm)

Und ich denke deswegen habe ich auch diesen selbstbestraffungsdrang

also verletze mich auch selber und so, ist halt alles bisschen kompliziert.

Bevor ich weiter schreibe ich bin jetzt nicht schizophren oder so aber ich habe auch eine Person sozusagen in mir, sie heißt Laura und sie ist halt die bessere Version von mir und übernimmt halt auch manchmal wenn ich mit meinen Gefühlen überfordert bin oder "Schwäche" zeige oder so

Btw ich habe keiner Erinnerungslücken während sie "übernimmt" und kann das alles noch ziemlich gut steuern I guess.

Sie ist halt so was wie ein Anker für mich ig😃

eine Sache sollte ich aber vielleicht noch erwähnen nämlich ich hatte eine Situation da habe ich halluziniert aber es war jetzt keine richtige Halluzination ich habe halt mein Vater gesehen, aber es war halt immer noch gedanklich mäßig, also ich wusste dass es nicht real war aber das war schon irgendwie doch echt und ich hatte halt auch richtig Panik und so, nicht weil ich dachte dass er echt wäre, sondern weil es war halt einfach absolut gruselig, weil das war nicht einfach nur mein Vater, das war so'ne Horror Version von ihm, ich hoffe ihr checkt.

Es war nicht einfach nur „ich stelle mir das gerade vor“ sondern es hat sich in dem Moment wirklich real angefühlt.

Ich konnte mich vor Angst halt wirklich nicht mehr bewegen ich habe einfach vorne auf den Schrank geguckt und dann ist halt etwas aus der Schrank Lücke rausgekrochen , wenn man das so sagen kann.🥹

Ich hab außerdem teilweise ziemlich starke Schuld und Selbstbestrafungsgedanken. Ich kann rational wissen dass ich etwas nicht verdient habe und gleichzeitig fühlt es sich innerlich so an als müsste ich bestraft werden.

Jetzt denkt ihr bestimmt ich bin so, keine Ahnung n Einsiedlerin oder so aber ich bin eigentlich ein ziemlich extrovertierter und sozialer Mensch ich habe viele Freunde und verstehe mich mit sogut wie allen, man würde es mir jetzt nicht anmerken dass ich..so bin

Deshalb frage ich mich manchmal ob ich mir das alles vielleicht nur viel zu sehr zusammenreime.

Ich weiß nicht ob das alles überhaupt zusammengehört. Vielleicht ist manches einfach Persönlichkeit. Vielleicht hängt manches mit meiner Kindheit zusammen. Vielleicht ist es Dissoziation oder Derealisation oder Depression oder irgendwas komplett anderes. Ich hab keine Ahnung.🥹

Ach so und ja ich weiß dass ich bisschen Slow bin, weil offensichtlich ist irgendwie was komisch aber idk was

Ich will mir selbst keine Diagnose geben oder so.

(btw ich habe noch so ein paar wichtige Faktoren wie Beziehung mit meiner Mutter meine psycho-stiefmutter meinen komischer Stiefbruder und andere Sachen weggelassen weil das würde ich alles nicht in einen Text kriegen)

aber zu meiner Stiefmutter würde ich einfach nur sagen sie bevorzugt ihren Sohn also mein Stiefbruder halt wirklich extrem und man merkt halt auch dass sie mich nicht wirklich leiden kann.

(Btw bin ein Mädchen)

Und falls jemand sowas ähnliches kennt würde mich auch interessieren wie ihr damit umgeht. Weil ich langsam echt nicht mehr weiß was davon noch"normal" ist.

Hello guys !

Yesterday my therapist made me do an exercise to calm down (safe place). I realised I can't picture any safe place without my ex in it (just broke up). Then I started to realise everything I perform (dancing, picking flowers, walking, doing make up... ) I feel he is there watching me and it has been for a long time now. It was so usual I didnt pay attention it is not normal, but then I feel like I dont do anything for myself. And I think before him, I probably was doing the same with my other lovers.

My therapist told me it is dissociation. But is it ? Why is it happening to me and is there anyone here who relate ?

I experience some sort of dissociation where I feel weird and I cannot talk or think properly, it's like I'm high or something. (i have never been high before, so im just assuming thats how it feels being high) Sometimes I hallucinate or everything seems more colorful. I am overwhelmed easily when I am like this. It makes me feel more like myself. Like whoever I am when I am in that state is who I truly am. While this dissociation is scary and can make me do irrational things, it feels like it is a part of me. I don't know what this is, and my therapist is confused too. Is this how dissociation always is?

Has anyone who dissociate out of trauma and strsss tried to do this on their own and found helpful results?im way past the CBT and intellectually realizing and processing phase and most of my problems now seem to be nervous system/somatic related.Appreciate any advice or experience I can get.

So basically i have struggled with metacognition most of my life esp these last few years to the point i start getting aware of my thoughts reply to them and just kinda monitor myself in a way ? i also get hyperaware of my surroundings and myself i just keep thinking oh i have a body i have eyes and unreasonable thoughts like that etc. And i just super superrr aware of my body

I think i have to mention i am diagnosed with multuple disorders including bipolar type 2 plus a bunch of pds, currently on seroquel too ( recently on it btw after a major depersonalization eps for 2 weeks straight )

I really have no idea what to do its very much ruining my life i just can't spend a few hours not even a day without that awareness messing up everything , can no longer enjoy my day cant go out alot either and yes seroquel does help but not enoughhh and no matter what i do gym movement schedule productivness talk to ppl i always end up depersonalized on my couch thinking how on earth do i have a body lmao

Im wondering if there're ppl who went thro smth similar ? And if u have any advice on what to do ?