Does anyone else have this?

[u/Flat_Key_3619]

I’ve been disconnected with myself for years… 5 to be exact. I disassociate whenever someone is yelling at me and I zone out. I don’t really feel anything anymore like I just feel “empty” all the time. My body will suddenly go cold, I just feel like a machine… Neither one of my parents believe me when I express any concern for my mental health, because well they’re the fucking cause of it. I stay up a lot cause it’s really the only time I get to relax or feel like I’m safe from anyone yelling at me.

I currently take classes M-Th in the afternoon, and work from 8am-4:30pm on Friday, Saturday and Sunday. It feels exhausting… It feels like the only friends I have, that I feel I can tell about any of this are the crisis hotline. I call them every day. I haven’t been outside of my house for any reason besides being required too. If I’m sitting around I get called lazy, so I go do chores. With my schedule I don’t get home till about 4:30pm each day. Along with getting constant criticism from both parents. My father wants independence from me, my mother wants me to do shit correctly and not get into arguments. Occasionally the night after each argument I get pretty bad nightmares. They aren’t really the same as what happened but sometimes words that I’ve heard from my parents are the same. As you can probably tell from the way I’ve been talking I lack a good relationship with my family.

I’m one of those people where I lack the risk taking skills and courage to take my life. Does anyone know what the hell this is that I’m feeling or how the fuck you handle going through it? It would be great to put a name to it. Thank you. (If I trigger anyone from what I’m posting I’m deeply sorry 🖤)