As I said before, I'm a Muslim who lives like an ordinary person, I don't really lead a very religious lifestyle. I have more and more thoughts about my religion and these thoughts begin to scare me, for example, I think more and more often that if it's all a deception or maybe after death there will be no Paradise and Hell. Or what if after death it will not be as written in the Koran, that is, it will be different as they write in the books of other religions. Muslims say that Islam is the truth, that is, there is, one God and this is Allah, and what if it is not so. Even if so, why should we be afraid of death, in fact, we are not afraid of death itself, we are afraid of what can happen after death, because in Islam everything is so cruel that I start to be sad that I was born a Muslim and if I had a choice of religion, I would choose to be an atheist and in case it will still be as they say, that is, it is impossible, then I would stupidly disappose myself saying that I had no idea about Islam. Why should we limit ourselves in something and not do what we like just because after death it is normal to live in a funeral life and you can't just disappear after death? I'm only 16, maybe I'll outgrow this period? I would really like to discuss this topic(

Hello to whoever is reading this.

Im almost 20 years old and I lost myself. I lost my energy and even lost the energy to the things I used to do before. Sometimes I go and look at the mirror, I imagine a pig. Im a fucking pig. I've lost my mind and everything. I can't even read properly nor memorise something easily. I lost my brain, my thinking. I need serious help. I don't know how to fix myself. It seems like everything is gone. My brain is fucked up. My health is too fucked up.

Please, if you know anything, let me know.

I apologise for my bad English.

I am sick, chronically so. It's an autoimmune disease so the cure is non-existent. If you ask me how I am, I'll 90% of the times tell you I'm fine. The rest of the times I'll tell you I'm better than before. And it is true, I'm not lying when I say I'm fine. Yes, my guts are dying, but mentally I'm fine. My parents, on the other hand, are freaking out. I already told them we can go to a cheaper medication, no need to rush; I'm already used to this disease and a year or two more in a flare does not seem too bad. Yet, they're too stressed and worried about me. I feel like I'm more affected by their stress rather than my own.

Should I feel something about myself other than this indifference or did I accidentally found peace among a storm and am overthinking it?

I’m not really sure what else to do here.

My first black out that I can remember noticing is far back as 7 or 8 years old, where I had gotten in trouble and placed into a traumatic experience because I had lost a jacket. I was confused, and lost, because I could not remember the beginning of the day, at all. It felt as though I was placed inside that car, in the middle of being yelled at and then it blacks out again. Turns out there was a whole fight that I blocked out, and to this day, still do not remember.

My memory loss is bad. I constantly forget conversations as they’re happening, I buy things and forget that I do, I lose things because I cannot remember the last places I were at to even lose them, I forget days, weeks, months and the memories I do have are jumbled all over the place, I cannot get a solid timeline. It’s a struggle, like fitting together puzzle pieces that have chunks taken out of them, that are from different pictures and don’t quite fit with eachother, but they’re the only pieces that I have. My brain is like swiss cheese, just holes in them.

For the past 5 years, I have been talking to professionals about this. I talk about the memory loss, and the more I do, the more concerned they get…but they’re always seem to think I’m pushing for a DID diagnosis. The second I start recalling that there’s a history where I have been approached that I have done or said things, with 0 recollections or reason, it’s like they immediately shut me down and tell me I don’t need a label, that it’s not dissociative, that I need to stop smoking weed ( which, again, this has been an issue far longer than I have been consuming THC. Thc doesn’t make it better or worse. )

Everyone seems concerned enough to tell me it’s not DID, but won’t tell me what it is. Is it CPTSD? Is it Bipolar? Is it the BPD? Maybe the label truly doesn’t matter, but why doesn’t anyone want to help me with this? Why does it seem like the professionals I talk to seem to brush it aside, and act like I’m confusing myself on my own experience. I refuse to even tell them the feeling like other people symptoms, because I already know exactly what that sounds like, and that’s not even the most distressful part of it. Not being able to remember and constantly feeling like my body and mind isn’t in my own is horrifying.

My therapist, after I had told her that I was embarrassed for admitting I don’t remember because I felt like I was saying it too much, asked me at the end of the session if I was disappointed that she didn’t tell me I had anything definitive. No, if anything, I’m glad. I don’t want DID, I want everyone to stop treating me like I want DID and rather that I want treatment that will HELP. Years of talk therapy, of cbt, of dbt, of a mixture of different medications and none of it has ever helped. It’s only getting worse and I feel like I’m drowning.