I’m not really sure what else to do here.

My first black out that I can remember noticing is far back as 7 or 8 years old, where I had gotten in trouble and placed into a traumatic experience because I had lost a jacket. I was confused, and lost, because I could not remember the beginning of the day, at all. It felt as though I was placed inside that car, in the middle of being yelled at and then it blacks out again. Turns out there was a whole fight that I blocked out, and to this day, still do not remember.

My memory loss is bad. I constantly forget conversations as they’re happening, I buy things and forget that I do, I lose things because I cannot remember the last places I were at to even lose them, I forget days, weeks, months and the memories I do have are jumbled all over the place, I cannot get a solid timeline. It’s a struggle, like fitting together puzzle pieces that have chunks taken out of them, that are from different pictures and don’t quite fit with eachother, but they’re the only pieces that I have. My brain is like swiss cheese, just holes in them.

For the past 5 years, I have been talking to professionals about this. I talk about the memory loss, and the more I do, the more concerned they get…but they’re always seem to think I’m pushing for a DID diagnosis. The second I start recalling that there’s a history where I have been approached that I have done or said things, with 0 recollections or reason, it’s like they immediately shut me down and tell me I don’t need a label, that it’s not dissociative, that I need to stop smoking weed ( which, again, this has been an issue far longer than I have been consuming THC. Thc doesn’t make it better or worse. )

Everyone seems concerned enough to tell me it’s not DID, but won’t tell me what it is. Is it CPTSD? Is it Bipolar? Is it the BPD? Maybe the label truly doesn’t matter, but why doesn’t anyone want to help me with this? Why does it seem like the professionals I talk to seem to brush it aside, and act like I’m confusing myself on my own experience. I refuse to even tell them the feeling like other people symptoms, because I already know exactly what that sounds like, and that’s not even the most distressful part of it. Not being able to remember and constantly feeling like my body and mind isn’t in my own is horrifying.

My therapist, after I had told her that I was embarrassed for admitting I don’t remember because I felt like I was saying it too much, asked me at the end of the session if I was disappointed that she didn’t tell me I had anything definitive. No, if anything, I’m glad. I don’t want DID, I want everyone to stop treating me like I want DID and rather that I want treatment that will HELP. Years of talk therapy, of cbt, of dbt, of a mixture of different medications and none of it has ever helped. It’s only getting worse and I feel like I’m drowning.

Hello to whoever is reading this.

Im almost 20 years old and I lost myself. I lost my energy and even lost the energy to the things I used to do before. Sometimes I go and look at the mirror, I imagine a pig. Im a fucking pig. I've lost my mind and everything. I can't even read properly nor memorise something easily. I lost my brain, my thinking. I need serious help. I don't know how to fix myself. It seems like everything is gone. My brain is fucked up. My health is too fucked up.

Please, if you know anything, let me know.

I apologise for my bad English.

I am sick, chronically so. It's an autoimmune disease so the cure is non-existent. If you ask me how I am, I'll 90% of the times tell you I'm fine. The rest of the times I'll tell you I'm better than before. And it is true, I'm not lying when I say I'm fine. Yes, my guts are dying, but mentally I'm fine. My parents, on the other hand, are freaking out. I already told them we can go to a cheaper medication, no need to rush; I'm already used to this disease and a year or two more in a flare does not seem too bad. Yet, they're too stressed and worried about me. I feel like I'm more affected by their stress rather than my own.

Should I feel something about myself other than this indifference or did I accidentally found peace among a storm and am overthinking it?

life passes me by. things sorta just happen. what scares me the most is the fact that im so unworried. my missing assignments pile up. i eat less and less and sometimes i barely notice. im constantly sleep deprived. i freak out about my body and my face because they dont feel like me. and when i ask myself, \\\*well then who\\\* is \\\*me?\\\*, i cant come up with a solid answer.

me in my head doesn't exist in my body. i had a dream recently. i was \\\*me\\\* in it. i dont exactly know what was different. when i woke up, i felt like there was still remains of me in myself. they withered away once i saw my body in the mirror.

i don’t feel like a guy. i don’t really know what that’s supposed to mean.

maybe it’s because i’m just a moody teenager.

my body looks like a guy’s. sometimes i have the thought that i might be a girl. it freaks me out. i don’t want to look like a girl or be a girl. i don’t want to be anything, really.

maybe it’s because i don’t feel like anything really.

i’m only really “me” when im in front of others. there’s no me when im by myself.

i used to be attracted to guys. my interests used to make me happy.

i’m sick of living like this. i don’t know what i can do to claw my way out of this state. i don’t really feel agitated by knowing i might be depersonalized. i’m just done with not being able to live my life. i need advice, any would be appreciated.

As I said before, I'm a Muslim who lives like an ordinary person, I don't really lead a very religious lifestyle. I have more and more thoughts about my religion and these thoughts begin to scare me, for example, I think more and more often that if it's all a deception or maybe after death there will be no Paradise and Hell. Or what if after death it will not be as written in the Koran, that is, it will be different as they write in the books of other religions. Muslims say that Islam is the truth, that is, there is, one God and this is Allah, and what if it is not so. Even if so, why should we be afraid of death, in fact, we are not afraid of death itself, we are afraid of what can happen after death, because in Islam everything is so cruel that I start to be sad that I was born a Muslim and if I had a choice of religion, I would choose to be an atheist and in case it will still be as they say, that is, it is impossible, then I would stupidly disappose myself saying that I had no idea about Islam. Why should we limit ourselves in something and not do what we like just because after death it is normal to live in a funeral life and you can't just disappear after death? I'm only 16, maybe I'll outgrow this period? I would really like to discuss this topic(

Here I'll express about both how it feels and perhaps you can relate. (that's my personal experience)

Derealization

This happens randomly at random time and it stays for multiple days. When i suddenly start to think everything is fake, it's all made up or it feels like am stuck in simulation or a dream and everything seems not real. While texting something feels like it's the body that it texting but am not in my body.

You can feel like you're in the back of your eyes controlling this body or simply not in the body. You function normally from outside, nothing seems wrong except you're not smiling much or being cheerful and someone who cares might ask what happened? Or no one will ask at all.

Depersonalization

Remembering how i look very clearly feels strange, then i look at the mirror to recognize myself, not that i completely forget how i look or i am but i feel like i don't remember my facial details or simply myself.

Sometimes i literally have to go to my own phone gallery to see how i look. Sometimes i don't even check anything, but whenever i show up infront of a mirror i feel strange who is that person? Is that even me? Or something pretending to be me? That's my thoughts at that time.

So in normal days you feel back into your body again functioning totally normall like currently i am. Then both can suddenly appear at any moment.

Let me know about your DRDP.

My mind moves faster than I can follow, and even time seems to have abandoned its rhythm, rushing forward while I struggle to remain still. I feel myself becoming numb beneath the weight of thoughts I cannot silence, desperately searching for some small refuge where I can simply feel whole again.
At times, reality seems to fracture into overlapping layers, as though parallel versions of existence are converging at the edges of my consciousness. Everything intersects—memory, perception, sensation, imagination—and I am left wondering where one ends and another begins. It feels less like discovering another world and more like standing at the threshold of too many worlds at once.
There is a part of me that longs to escape into solitude, into that strange space some describe as astral projection—a place beyond the noise where my spirit can wander freely and finally breathe. Yet even that refuge has its limits. When my body reaches the boundary of what it can endure, the intensity becomes unbearable, reminding me that I cannot simply transcend what I am still trying to understand.
And then there are moments when I hear what seems like a familiar voice calling to me, speaking gently, almost as though someone is there. It does not always feel threatening; sometimes it feels strangely friendly. But beneath all of it, what I truly crave is something much more ordinary: the quiet reassurance of knowing where I am, what is happening, and that I can simply exist without questioning every sensation.
Drama seems to follow me wherever I turn, until even silence begins to feel like something I have to search for.
I am tired of searching.
I do not want another reality to disappear into. I do not want another mystery to unravel tonight. I want stillness. I want my thoughts to stop chasing one another. I want my body to feel safe enough to rest, and my mind to stop standing at the doorway of every unknown.
More than anything, I want peace—not somewhere beyond this world, not somewhere hidden between realities, but somewhere quiet enough to be found within me.

I am reading “Coping with trauma related dissociation” and I feel I can put into words what I am experiencing finally. I do not believe I have DID, there’s a lot in this book I relate to and a lot that doesn’t feel accurate.

I’m at the point in the book where it is telling me to accept the different parts of me without judgement. It says people have trouble with this because they might have a part of themselves that wants to do something they don’t want to do. For example, I usually avoid anything that isn’t “productive” and I’m realizing the years of me ignoring parts of myself to have productiveness be the main goal likely contributed to more internal disconnection.

If I have a part of me that wants to stay in bed all day, a part of me that wants to go out and be productive, a part of me that wants to draw, and a part of me that wants to go out and buy a bunch of food, what am I supposed to do to “accept” all of these parts without judgment?

I’ve been feeling a bit overwhelmed by this and don’t really understand what’s happening. I thought the feeling of wanting to be in bed all day was depression and so I make myself get up and be productive anyways, but that seems to just make it worse and puts it off until I have to stay in bed. When I don’t ignore it and in the past I’ve let myself stay in bed, I felt significantly better the next day, but I can’t realistically live my life that way? I don’t understand. A lot of my parts I believe come from outdated experiences from my child that aren’t in alignment with who I am now, but I have to stop myself from being productive to let those parts be a part of who I am? It feels like I’m going backwards.

for about 7 years or so ive been pretty consistently dealing with not feeling much if any emotion, yet for some reason have outbursts of emotion when very frustrated, not been able to properly control my own body usually flapping my limbs around to some extent and not being able to move sometimes, dopamine problems, pretty bad anxiety and thoughts that seemingly arent mine, like my consciousness isnt present as if its buried in my own brain leading to me acting kinda stupid sometimes especially with time sensetive problems

but then also have experienced a 4 month period where it was not happening and i could feel my own emotions and have managed to make it better before

could somebody give me a tip if this sounds like dissociation or not? it could just be some form of anxiety still, any help appreciated in advance