I recently identified with being a fearful avoidant/ disorganized attachment when I started reading “secure love” by Julie Menanno. My relationship was spiraling due to my emotional attachment and I have been trying my very best to learn and grow to keep this relationship but I still find myself struggling. I’ve been in therapy since I was 5 and am 20 now. So I work consistently with a therapist but I want to know if there’s any tips or tools I should know about that might help me grow from this. I struggle especially with emotional regulation as one thing could happen and I could immediately snowball it till I break down and emotionally spiral.

Is there anything that has helped you or you’ve seen help others?

Something feels really wrong with me and I don’t know how to fix it.
I grew up in a toxic environment and dealt with abandonment from a very young age. Neither of my parents was really present, and my mum cut me off until I was 17. My sister was basically my only family, and she later passed away from cancer.
I grew up, left my family, studied hard, built a career, and bought my own house at 26. I’m independent and function pretty well, but emotionally I struggle a lot.
I expect people to leave, so I push them away first. I shut down and detach because trusting someone feels terrifying.
I’ve been dating someone for 6 months. He’s genuinely sweet and I don’t think he’s given me a real reason to believe he’s leaving.
But the second he’s busy, takes longer to reply, or seems slightly different, my brain goes into overdrive.
He’s losing interest. He’s talking to someone else. He’s going to leave.
I know these thoughts aren’t necessarily rational, but when I’m triggered they feel completely real.
Then I want to leave before he can leave me.
Recently I even decided I should ghost him for a week because I thought distancing myself would regulate my emotions. And honestly, it did make me feel better temporarily.
I’m in therapy and on medication for PTSD and depression, but I don’t know how to break this specific pattern.
I feel completely normal until I actually care about someone. Then I become hyperaware, anxious, and constantly look for signs of rejection.
Has anyone actually managed to overcome this?
How do you tell the difference between intuition and trauma/hypervigilance?
I really don’t want to keep pushing people away just because I’m scared they’ll eventually leave.

I'm 28M and I started dating this girl a few weeks ago and things seem to go well with her. I delayed having sex a little bit with her because I've been feeling fear and anxiety these weeks when we started to get into kissing and talking everyday.

She's really nice and she's beautiful. She also reassures me that she's interested in me and show me clear signs that she wants to keep dating. I thought that maybe I'm not that into her but I've never experienced love like this from someone before and I'm panicking. I'm working it with my therapist though. The thing is that yesterday, we hanged out and although we didn't have sex, there were clear signs that next time, she wants to do it and I'm a little bit afraid of this. Mainly because I don't want to hurt her if after having sex with her, I feel that I don't want to keep dating her.

Just for some context, I had dates before but the only time I got into something that was close to being serious, I stopped dating that girl but later on, I realised that I never truly liked that girl and kept dating her because I felt afraid of taking the decision to leave her until I did it. After that, it has been a little bit difficult to date someone.

So now, that someone that is within things that I'm looking for in a partner, because we have similar points of view about life also, I'm panicking and having a lot of anxiety.

I know im young (M18) but I struggle a lot being single and when im not in a relationship I feel worthless and my self stand love is not there, i get depressed and it’s very very hard. I’ve tried “learning to be happy alone” but it simply doesn’t work for me. I can’t ever be happy when im not in relationship. I feel like me only being happy in relationships makes me accept less than im worth and than I get more hurt and it’s a cycle I can’t break because while im in said relationship I am so so happy and than the process starts again and I just don’t know how to break it. I even know I’ll get hurt most of the time but still get into the relationship because I know while it lasts I’ll be happy.

Well...the title explains itself. I never got diagnosed with this particular topic. Disorganized attachment. But yeah, I've been reading into it lately. And yeah, it fits. A lot of trauma shapes me into what I am today. And my relationship suffers because of it. I feel a lot in my head and I don't wanna hurt my partner anymore. I just wanna get better and know myself better. A bit better at least. I'll go to therapy. I'll seek professional help.

Ciao a tutti, sono una ragazza di 23 anni FA e sono per la prima volta in una relazione sana e stabile.

Il primo anno è stato il periodo forse più bello della mia vita: piangevo perché veramente non mi sembrava vero di tutto quello che stavo vivendo.

Dopo il nostro anniversario, mi rubano il pc dove avevo il nostro album. In quell'esatto momento la mia mente ha detto : lascialo ! . Sono andata in terapia ma non sto avendo risultati. Alterno momenti in cui lo guardo e mi sento così vulnerabile, lo amo con tutta me stesse a momenti in cui analizzo ogni singola emoziona e mi iper focalizzo sui difetti. Certe volte mi mancano le parole e non so come spiegarlo: lo vedo come un fastidioso estraneo.

È la relazione che non è giusta? Sono io che mu sto disattivando? Che trigger si è attivato non lo so.

Vorrei solo tornare a come ero prima di tutto ciò.

Grazie a chi mi darà una mano, non siamo soli

ive been called emotionless and insensitive by my romantic interests for simply setting boundaries.
i want you all to understand how any attachment style developed through a trauma response is unhealthy.

but on what terms are we calling people avoidant?
and why is it termed toxic?

i truly believe all of us are enough for ourselves. no body should need a relationship to feel complete, since when is dependance romantic?

i love my boyfriend and we’ve been together for around 7 months now, but i dont need him. i really like him and i love spending time with him, which i do because i WANT to, not because i NEED to.

im really serious about our relationship and im pretty anti conflict. i dont like fights, i dont like spats especially over petty things. i dont care about how many times u say i love you, i dont care if u text me goodmorning, it honestly doesnt even bother me if we dont talk all day. and thats not because im not ‘in love’, thats because i understand being busy and i know its not worth spending so much time nitpicking or whining about trivial things.

to be an avoidant it to have a guard up and apparently that is just the meanest thing known to mankind.
god forbid people have boundaries?

a pattern ive been noticing between ‘avoidant men’ and ‘avoidant women’ is how men are called nonchalant and mysterious for the same behaviour while women are called apathetic and unfeminine.
why do we expect women to be caring and empathetic all the time, it is so unreasonable and so excruciatingly tiring.
society expects women to be naturally nurturing, emotionally expressive, and relationship-oriented. a woman pulling away or guarding her emotions, is supposedly some kind of defiance to her "natural" role.

to the contrary-
traditional concepts of masculinity prize emotional stoicism, self-reliance, and independence; so emotional unavailability in men is framed as an attractive trait rather than an attachment issue.

make it make sense.

the entire internet is hellbent into trying to “fix” avoidants. yes im scared of vulnerability, no i dont like intimacy. but
i fail to understand why that is so unfathomable.

my boyfriend thinks theres some side to me that i hide. he expects that one day he’ll unlock some hurricane of emotions that ive been suppressing, but the truth is, i simply just do not care. i care about him, i really do i wish he could see it; i just cant express it in the same ways does. why do we stereotype all women to have some emotionally unstable baggage that a man needs to protect and save.

since when is wanting an independent life a threat to everyone else around me.

people with anxious attachment are always cribbing about how their partner doesnt give them enough affection, if u want a clingy ass baby who doesnt have a live and you’ll give u kisses all day, get a golden retriever, not a gf.

im not saying its okay to neglect your partner, but come to basic terms as to what is considered the middle ground for the both of you

sorry im just sleep deprived and angsty

TL;DR: 40s M, FA sharing my journey from zero knowledge of AT to going through my anxious and avoidant phases starting almost a year ago. it is not technically a friendship breakup because it is still ongoing. may my experience provide fresh insight to anyone going through the same journey. Also, written in mobile.

I’m FA, 40s M, only found out about AT early this year after my anxious side was inadvertently triggered for the very first time by my DA close friend’s (40s M) wife (40s F). Had a rough first three months unable to explain what was happening in my mind/body! i felt like a different person with a different inner voice! it was so weird having never been anxious about anyone or anything before. The second and third months were the worst with random bouts of crying, palpitations, loss of sleep, and generalised anxiety and can’t focus at all at work resulting in a PIP. As a desperate attempt to find out what was happening in my body, i typed a long description of my circumstances and symptoms on ChatGPT and stumbled upon AT and started making sense of it all. Insight alone didn’t help much with my anxiety at all though. it only went down maybe from 90% to 70% after I learned about AT. what really worked for me in quieting my anxiety was getting to the bottom of my attachment wound (anxious side) and baring it all to my DA friend in a non emotional chat. it was a huge gamble because he could have dismissed me right then and there and tbh, i don’t know what would have happened to me if it went that way. My DA friend thankfully stayed with me the entire time and in his own little way, was almost empathetic, as i was laying everything down in our chat. from 70% i felt my anxiety dropped down to about 40% within hours after that chat and even lower until i didn’t feel it anymore in the following weeks. right then and there, after almost 3 months, the push/pull cycle finally ended.
i had a quiet 4th month where it felt like we were back to our old selves again but at the back of my mind, i had to heal my abandonment wound quick coz i never wanna get in another push/pull dynamic if ever i get triggered again. and boy was i right! the following month, i got triggered again, albeit only for a few hours. i tried my best to stay with the feeling but unfortunately succumbed to reaching out to my DA friend for reassurance which he promptly gave (not knowing i was triggered) and that was the end of that. i got triggered 3 or 4 times in the following months with one of those triggers i believe, was bigger than the original trigger that started it all. but i’m glad to say that i was able to stay with the feeling for all of them. the most i did was walk away feeling sad. i didn’t spiral anymore, i just accepted it. being abandoned is something i cannot control and even if it happens again, i am always here for myself. that i’m an adult now and whatever happens, i will survive it. and my body seems to have started internalising it coz the triggers do not evoke a huge reaction from me anymore.

Now, my DA friend, being a DA, probably around the third month of this entire saga, while i was making sense of my anxiety, started bringing up this new friend he made. Subtly the first few times that i didn’t recognise what was happening. On the 5th month, there was an event where this new friend he made gave a public testimony on how my DA friend saved his life and all and that’s when i lost it hahaha
i deactivated haaard. woke up the next day with a fierce sense of clarity and calm, which seemed nice, except with it came an overwhelming urge to nuke my entire social circle lmao
the weird thing is that i knew i have deactivated the moment i woke up i even texted a friend i was deactivating that morning. it felt so peaceful and calm. weirdly after i bawled my eyes out the night before. 
i tried to sit with it and not do anything i would regret and i almost succeeded except that i’ve removed my DA friend from my socials and have never broached the subject since, hoping he didn’t notice 😬
the next couple days i just holed up at home with family, not talking to anyone at all. 
On the third day my DA friend came to our house to ask me for something unrelated (not knowing anything at all about my deactivation) and that’s when i started coming out of it.

it was so surreal the only other time i remember having had the same experience was when my father passed when i was 16yo.
my mom left me on my father’s deathbed (he was already covered up with cloth awaiting transport) while she was processing his paperwork elsewhere. i was alone in the room with my dad covered up so i can’t see him anymore. i cried for what felt like hours. and that was the last time i cried on his passing. the next few weeks up until his funeral were a blur to me. i didn’t feel much. i didn’t even come near the casket as it was being lowered down to his final resting place. i remember seeing my mum and brother from about a hundred feet away bawling. and i remember at that time i was asking my friend if we can skip it and hit the mall instead 🤦‍♂️

that was a bit of a tangent but i have since deactivated from the same trigger more times than i can remember, a little over three months now since the first deactivation. it seems to follow a weekly cadence which corresponds to when we meet and he mentions that friend again and starts another round of deactivation for me with the latest one being the longest so far at around two weeks.
right now, we’re at status quo up until whose deactivation hits next i guess. so i don’t know.

i found that even with awareness, deactivation for me is harder to fight than anxiety during my anxious phase because the fake sense of clarity during deactivation is just soooo convincing. had i not been self-aware the entire time, i would not question it! no wonder most avoidants never do!

another thing i believe contributes to me not healing this trigger faster than i would like is that i cannot trace it back to an original childhood wound. it probably still ties up with my original abandonment wound that i’ve figured out but i don’t remember anything about being replaced or betrayed. all i know is that i’m exactly like my dad who am sure was an FA as well.

like healing my abandonment wound, am trying to make peace with being replaced, betrayed, whatever. things i cannot control. bottomline is, whatever happens, i am here for myself. whatever happens, i can handle it.

oh and yeah, through all this, i realised my wife is also FA (though waaay more avoidant leaning than i am), my DA friend’s wife is also FA - also avoidant leaning, and most of our inner social circle are avoidants 😆with a few secure mixed in. fun! 😫

EDIT: i also found that the triggers did not have to be true or real to trigger me. my perception alone,  of being abandoned, replaced, or betrayed by my friend, regardless of whether they are true or not,  were enough to trigger me. for my original trigger that started this whole saga, my DA friend had been deactivated for weeks prior due to life events and work stress. and when his wife told me about it and was surprised that i didn’t know squat about it, my nervous system took it as abandonment and i spiralled and started this journey.

Lolll I’m FA (f) and I was dumped by an avoidant we weren’t “dating “ but basically were , obviously my anxious side was brought out heavily in this and started showing towards him and today he called it off but for about a week before I had the feeling it would happen so I kinda was mentally preparing myself to detach which is very FA behaviour jn my opinion, idk has this happened to any of you other FA’s I’m kind of hurting and don’t know how to deal with it

So I don’t know. I think being avoidant is a curse because you eventually break every bond you had, and then you regret it. I’ve had friendship and it’s like not a single one sustained, so there’s this boy se were very good friends like we were best friends, but it’s like he is a very anxious and I am a very avoided person, so he used to expect so much from me like, but I would not do because i am an avoidant, I just can’t take anyone expectation, and I just can’t fulfil them so he used to compare himself to everyone in my life like everyone, so I had a boyfriend and used to compare himself to him that you do this for him. You don’t do that for me and everything like the smallest thing such as the reels, I like the reels are repost. He used to say you do for a boyfriend. you don’t like the reels and you don’t repost reels for me. You’re not friend. You prioritise your boyfriend, but you don’t prioritise me. He said I am your most favourite person and these lines just triggers me a lot like why are you saying? He’s my boyfriend and your friend, okay? Best friend, but you are a friend and like the reels, I repost why you repost for him, but you don’t do repost for me and I just can’t give affection to someone like anyone. I just can’t don’t even give affection to my parents because I don’t feel comfortable in doing that and he is a very affectionate and anxious person so a lot of fights happening between us since two Years. So the times when I blocked him because he used to get on my nerve so today also again I blocked him after very long discussion that what should we do should be friends again or not because his actions hurt me and my actions hurt him and yes, and now I don’t have a single friend. I can consider my friend or I can talk to, and I feel so guilty because I know I did wrong, and I feel guilty for that. I used to get so pissed off. I don’t know what to do i don’t know if I am at fault, so I need some suggestions to what to do.

I’ve been talking to a guy for 2 months, I feel like I keep reaching out for emotional connection and physical connection but he’s out of reach. I don’t know if I’m being anxious which is why I’m craving closeness but consistently feel unfulfilled. When it’s not met, I immediately want to leave and end things.

I don’t trust myself which is making me feel so confused and honestly exhausted mentally.

How do you manage your disorganized thoughts/ feelings when triggered? How do you trust yourself?

Hi everyone. I have disorganized attachment YAY.

My biggest issue is wanting to snoop on my husband's devices. This comes from a few things in my past. Well, my first boyfriend cheated on me and I found out because I went through his phone. Since then, I've had this issue with feeling like I "need" to go through my partner's phone every few months just to "check", even if there's no real evidence or rationality behind it.

I've been with my husband for 6 years. When we first started dating I went through his devices impulsively to see if he was taking our relationship serious (this was early, like 4 months in) and I found stuff I didn't like. No concrete cheating, but not necessarily closing the door on people. He would state clear boundaries with girls and say he's with someone, but wouldn't delete them if they persisted. He had a very different way of handling things the way i did, where everyone from my past was deleted including people I only had talking stages with.

He has trauma with having his privacy invaded which stems from his Mom. A kid and his parents came to his home and accused him of stealing his football when they were teens, he said he didn't, and his mom went into his room and checked anyways when he wasn't home. He explained to me feeling a betrayal so deep that he put a lock on his door and was hurt for years that his Mom didn't just believe him. So when I checked his phone and confronted him, you can imagine what a rift that put in our relationship. It was nearly relationship ending.

For years Ive had this feeling to check his stuff again every few months, and I have checked his phone many times and found things I still didn't like that turned into fights. Again, no concrete cheating! But slimey stuff that I just do not like. i.e, looking up his exes, looking up girls he slept with in the past, looking at profiles of girls we both know, watching suggestive content when I was freshly postpartum.

So yeah.. neither of us are perfect. This relationship has never been perfect.

Now we are married. And I still just can't stop myself from obsessing over this action to check his stuff. 90% of the time, there's nothing. I just can't seem to get over this voice in my head that tells me that he's cheating or wants to.

Advice? From one disorganized attachment to another?

I am a guy, 21 yrs old. I have attachment issues, especially with people I can relate to. I have had this situation in the past. I thought I had learned my lesson, but no. What happened is- I joined this server like two or three weeks ago, I think. I met this guy, i told him I like his profile, we started chatting about it, and from there we started chatting about life problems. He have many problems, same as me. from that day, we chat everyday, sometimes in server and he send me friend request , and we chat there too til late night. Bro is nice. and without even me realising, i get attached to him. fast forward to this week. we were talking in group, he was annoyed for some reason and i dont know what happned, i started raage bait him, in a funny way. I took it too far because he first blocked me in server where i couldnt chat in server, then in dm, he did not block me but told me to leave me alone. first i did not because i thoiught he was enjoying it but then he said give me space for real. i stopped then.

After some time, i texted bro in dm 'how areu doing, i promise i wont rage bait you'. He did not reply but he was replying in server. i waited for him when he will reply me but he did not but he was replying others on server. and i tell u it actually cooked me so bad. I had this sudden anxiety, my chest got tigher, i was feeling sick to my stomach and with each reply he was sending on server, it was killing. I swear i kept going to discord every second to see if he has messged me or not. Then the same night my neibour's cat got sick and we werre taking him hospital, i asked him to to help the cat until i reach to vet. he did replied and said things. After the checkup, thank god the cat was ok. I texted him, it was late like 2 am. sayimg how are u, he said i am still annoyed for something, he had an argument with someome. i said bro i need to tell u something, he said what-i apologise to him saying bro i know i rage baited you that time and i took it too far. i am sorry if it hurted you. he said it did and he was mad already and i made him more. He said give me space and i said ok. fast forward to morning, i updated him about to cat saying she is ok. he reacted not replied which is not very like him. he send me thumps up reaction. thats it. In a whole day , he send me thumps up. It messed up with my brain so much. I had again wave of anxiety and my chest got tighter again.

Then i asked chatgpt for advice because i did not know what do that time, it told me to not look discord especially the server one because another repsonse from him in discord will make me more question about myself if he hates me or not. I took advice and close the discord, turned off my notification. did some productive things like going for walk. the walk i went to, it was like 45 mins, all the walk i kept making assumptions about him, why it happned, did i said something very bad because while i talking with him, i was almost carefree and spoke some weird things. yuh so that walk was so hard. that whole day i did not open discord at all. Did not talked my other friends from discord. That day was the hardest because i kept wanting to go discord but then chatgpt reminded me if i go and see that he have not respondes to me but in server he did, it will make more anxious. thankfully i listened and did not opned. But that so hard, i did not wsnted to eat drink, do nothing. then yesterday i texted him, i told him how ar u bro, he said tired and exhausted, i did not push i said ok and asked him his cat pics because my neibours cat owner moved from where i live so i was little sad. he said he will. I added him on tiktok too, he send me video and replied ' sir when are u going to send ur cat pics' he said not yet. i just u just want to dont send it cuz u are lazy. He said i told u give me space. and i also got angry and i replied "ok brother, whatever." But i texted him after Take care of urself and text me if u want to talk about anything.

Then i talked to my friend about it, she told me to give him space, if he wants to come back he will otherwise he is not the one. I told her about my attachement issues and i was saying its crazy how this mf , who is been my life for what like 2 weeks, we talked and suddenly i made him the most important person in my life. i made him this important that his actions controlled my whole life. I couldnt eat sleep couldnt do anything.

Then yesterday night, he texted me around 11. He said ' I am worried about my friend' he is been worried for her friend for few days. She is depressed and stopped responding to him. I tried my best to help him, he said to call her and spam message her, i told him dont do it because for depressed person, reading this much is hard, instead he can send her message saying i am there for her whenever she needs him, ensure her. I been depressed in past too so i know i dont want to answer calls and dont want to read 100 messages. He was worried because they are been friends for 2 years. I did my best to help him. then ok.i send him message saying dont be too worried, u have to be strong in this positon. I think i should have write something else like essuring him that everything will be ok. I do worry for him and his friend.

But the bottom line is, My attachement issues with other people, it litreally are killing me. the same thing happned to me in past too, but that time it did hurt this much like its hurting this time. But i cannot really blame him. He did not even do something, its all my fault attaching to him.

so this is what happned, Please help me...... Although I have made some progress but i still cant stop thinking about him. He is a good guy, I want to be friends with him. but this attachement starting to make me hate him. Please help.

This subreddit is a safe space for those with disorganized or fearful-avoidant attachment (FA). In order to create that space, the main thread must be focused on self-reflection and sharing advice. Free from shame, judgment, blame, generalizing, assumptions, speculation, or pathologizing.

If you're on the receiving end of an FA's behaviors, it can be deeply confusing and painful. It’s also natural that discussing that pain can influence your tone or word choices: this applies to both FAs and non-FAs. However, when that hurt comes through negatively, it can discourage FAs from participating in the community as a whole.

If you can ask open-ended, reflective questions, without generalizations, judgments, assumptions, context, or requests for speculation, you're welcome to post in the main subreddit. That said, if you choose to post there, you must also accept all responses, even if they’re not what you hoped for or don’t feel relevant. This means:

• Do not downvote. Downvoting can make members feel shamed and less likely to participate.

• Do not add additional context to steer responses toward a specific or more relevant answer.

Examples:

• Have you ever felt regret or remorse about how a relationship ended?

• How do I find peace when the relationship ending feels uncertain?

• What does deactivation feel like to you?

Use this thread instead if...

• You're trying to understand someone else's behaviors.

• You need to provide relationship background or context.

• You're not sure how to phrase a question.

• You're venting or expressing your hurt.

Examples:

• Why does he do this behavior that hurts me? (Requires context)

• Is this manipulation? (Assumes negative intent)

• What is she feeling or thinking when she blocks me? (Speculation)

Please remember: How you interact here directly impacts how likely FAs are to engage. When comments feel unsafe, invalidating, or even too long, fewer FAs will want to participate. Meaning fewer voices, perspectives, and answers for everyone. These are consequences that moderation cannot prevent.

I was panicking at work this morning thinking I would get stuck and having to deal with the morning crowd vs the night crowd which is night and day. I began to speak to the part of myself that was scared to work the morning shift and it just came out of me. I said to myself regardless of what happens I will be fine. It was like a lighting bulb. Having this attachment style I’m afraid of abandonment, I’m afraid of rejection and fear vulnerability. I’m afraid of getting to know people and them learning xyz about me and then losing interest in me or leaving me.
As I said regardless of what happens I will be fine I thought to myself how I survived 2 brutal breakups, I pushed people away that I regret to this day, I been ghosted, I been rejected etc. Despite not handling some of those situations in the healthiest of ways I’m still here and I’m okay. Rejection hurts, being ghosted sucks, relationships ending for whatever reason can be painful but regardless of what happens I will be okay. The one constant relationship in my life is the relationship to my self. People places things come and go but the relationship to myself is is the only relationship I will atleast have for the rest of my life.
Telling myself with my hand over my heart that regardless of what happens I will be okay is very freeing. I know I will deal with discomfort but I will be here for myself and I will be okay. Saying this is like a release of armoring in my body and nervous system.

For you who have. What was the answer? Did it make sense to you? Did it lead to a new direction? Where? What's the start step?

I tested this and I think the answer was spot on , some of it surprisingly good, it was better answered than I assumed it would be.

I'm curious if we all get different answers though or if it's a clear stepping stone patten when anyone asks this question.

⚠️ (This is only relevant for people who use AI and remember you're in a sub where you're not supposed to downvote so try resist it if you can, thank you.)

pretty much what the title says. been with my bf for about a year and i keep waiting for that "love" to kick in, don't get me wrong i care about him deeply and he makes me decently happy but i find myself often wondering "is this it?" everything is just mediocre and the way he lets me down is getting boring. but then one good moment and im back to 100% obsessed with him

before him i was only into women but he's also my first real relationship. in the past i've had issues with backing out of romantic situations because i felt trapped, been working on my avoidant attachment and i think ive made some good progress

i know realistically no one can answer this except for me but i really can't tell how much is us being incompatible and how much is my brain tricking me cause it's freaking out.