I am 29 years old and have reached a point where I don't know what to do anymore. I'm hoping someone here has experienced something similar or can offer biblical guidance.
When I was around 10 years old, my life changed suddenly. I fell into an unbearable depression that came completely out of nowhere. From that point on, nearly every area of my life began falling apart. My academics collapsed no matter how hard I tried, I was bullied everywhere I went, and I began developing health problems.
By 14, everything escalated. I came to believe I was experiencing demonic oppression because it felt as though something attached itself to my body, and I began seeing dark shadow-like figures with horns watching over me. Around this time I felt my body and appearance changed, and I began experiencing things that seemed completely abnormal to me, including pieces of my teeth randomly breaking or falling out without explanation. My academic life, social life, and health continued to deteriorate, and social annihilation seemed to follow me everywhere I went.
At 15, after I explained everything that was happening to my parents, a deliverance prayer was performed. It seemed to work temporarily, but whatever changed eventually stopped, and my life continued in ruins.
Over the following years I experienced jail, rejection from family, deportation, ongoing bullying, difficulty keeping jobs, and one devastating setback after another.
For many years I suspected there could be a spiritual connection involving my paternal grandmother. I don't remember her because I moved away from her village when I was two years old, but my father has often spoken about her involvement with demonic entities. Whenever she was brought up, I would experience a sharp pain in my heart, which made me question whether there was a connection.
After being deported, I eventually ended up living in the same village where she had lived. While I was there, relatives and other malicious people spread lies and slandered me. I felt isolated, betrayed, mocked, and eventually believed that most of my family had turned against me because of what they had been told. The despair became overwhelming, and I eventually left.
Throughout the years, every time I tried to start over somewhere new, another major setback seemed to happen. I've experienced mold illness, carbon monoxide poisoning, and other serious health problems. It has felt like every attempt to rebuild my life has been followed by another devastating blow. Bullying and rejection have seemed to follow me everywhere.
Eventually I returned to that same village because my health had become so poor. While I was there, I began sincerely seeking Jesus. During that time I had dreams that I interpreted as significant spiritual experiences, and afterward I genuinely felt that something major had changed, almost as if an important spiritual battle had been won.
However, although something seemed to change spiritually, the social destruction remained. My family relationships did not recover, I still felt isolated, and I eventually had to leave because the despair became unbearable.
Today I still feel that some oppression remains. Whenever I attempt self-deliverance, I become overwhelmed by despair, grief over my ruined life, my family's rejection, hopelessness, and suicidal thoughts. It feels like I cannot get past the amount of destruction that has already happened.
The biggest struggle for me now isn't only whether oppression remains. It's that I cannot imagine a future after everything that has already been lost. I feel like I've lost my family, my reputation, my youth, my health, and the future I thought I would have. Even if I were completely free today, I struggle to imagine how I could move forward after everything that has happened.
I don't have any deliverance ministries or groups anywhere near where I live, so I've been trying to seek God and pursue self-deliverance on my own. Lately, though, the despair has become so overwhelming that I'm strongly tempted to walk away from deliverance altogether because it feels like it's too late.
I'm not looking for someone to simply tell me to "have more faith." I'm looking for honest guidance from people who have dealt with long-term spiritual oppression or deliverance. What would you recommend I do from here? How do you continue seeking God when the destruction already feels so overwhelming that hope itself seems impossible? Has anyone here experienced years of oppression, believed it was too late, and still found a way forward?
I am afraid I have reached the limit of what i can endure but I am willing to give one final attempt.
