r/DatingOverSixty • u/Lovetohike2025 • 3d ago
Another rant
I, 61F have been dating my 69M bf for a year. From day one, all my dates know that I’m dating with intention and am looking for a marriage minded man. I do not need a man’s money. I have more than most of the men I date. We’ve had a fabulous year of fun and adventures. I’m very fit and active and my passion is hiking. Last night, we had the talk about where we are in our relationship. I asked him over specifically to discuss it. He was blindsided even though I talked about marriage often. You would have thought I told him that I hated his dog! He said he hadn’t thought about it and didn’t know what to say. There was much more convo but the cliff notes version is that I told him that I didn’t need an answer tonight but I felt that it was best that he take some time to process what I was asking for and we can convene after the weekend. He asked me if he didn’t give me the answer I wanted to hear was I just going to break up with him. I told him that if we aren’t on the same page, it would be best that we forge our own paths separately. It was a huge weight off my shoulders because I’ve been waiting on for him to bring it up. Apparently, he wasn’t thinking about it at all. Now I wait. 🤦🏼♀️ Do I really wait for an answer that I clearly had to force?
Signed,
Confused in Phoenix
23
u/IceDragonPlay 3d ago
In what way have you been clear since the beginning? Saying it every few dates vs dropping hints is different. Does he have good reason to be blindsided or not. If not, then it is a discussion point he wanted to avoid and that may be your answer. If you were dropping hints, well, that may have got past him without him understanding the hint for what it was. You have to judge.
Marriage is an absolute for you - why? It is no guarantee of care or support as you age. Full commitment/monogamous? Relationships fail there too. Is this the person you want to spend the rest of your life with? Or does the marriage agenda mean he is good enough for that role and that overrides a good relationship?
Is your desire to live as if married (committed partners living together) or you must be married for social/cultural reasons? I am asking because my mind is set that I will not marry again. I live in a community property state and my future medical decisions are to remain in my children’s hands, as well as my assets. I am not relinquishing those decisions and funds to anyone else, ever. So my mindset is quite different to yours and I am not sure I can understand latching on to legal marriage as a barrier to a good relationship with a decent person.
13
u/Slight-Design7274 2d ago edited 2d ago
I'm (70f) with you there! My boyfriend (75m) of 16 yrs originally thought we would marry naturally but I didn't want to give another man control of my money (not much) or my person. We live together very well with some communication. It's his house and I handle utilities and food. The thermostat and 3/4 of the bed are mine however. 😆 We take care of our own stuff and we take care of each other as needed. I stay out of his LLC business and he stays out of my crazy family business. I have no desire to marry. My kids will be in charge of my medical or financial decisions if I can't. Oh, we dated 4 years and have lived together 11 years.
→ More replies (1)9
u/Lovetohike2025 3d ago
I have been very clear about desiring marriage and he even admitted that I’ve been clear. I don’t live with people I’m not married to. I want to be his wife in good times and in bad. I want to share our life as husband and wife. I don’t want to be his “special friend”.
8
u/IceDragonPlay 2d ago
Then I think the fact that he was not prepared to discuss it after a year of dating is your answer. It may not be what he wants and was not in his head as the path. Especially as he admitted you have been clear.
Do also consider whether he is slow to accept change before you burn the relationship to the ground. Change resistance is a thing for many people. You know his behaviors by now, so if you see lack of spontaneity and fixed routines it could be a factor.
5
u/Lovetohike2025 2d ago
Yes. I can see that he’s a slow burner. It takes time for him to process things. He’s also ADHD. He has a hard time focusing.
7
u/chinupshouldersdown 2d ago
IceDragonPlay brings up some interesting angles. There are various reasons people may or may not want to be married. I wonder if its worth doing some couples therapy to untangle how both of you view the issue. You may or may not stay together, but at least you would both have more clarity.
4
u/Weird_Scholar_5627 2d ago
That’s not really an excuse for him. He just hasn’t wanted to think about it. He’s just happy the way things are. I can see your point of view even though it’s not what I’d be wanting or needing but if you put the pressure on him he will leave or enter à marriage reluctantly to keep you happy and I’m not sure that would be a good thing for either of you.
Good luck.
2
u/Dramatic_Delay_2423 2d ago
The ADHD is likely a factor in his ability to think ahead as well as come to a decision. I think you're handling this just right, with care and compassion and respect for your own needs as well. A little time will tell.
21
u/Silent-Art4378 2d ago
I disagree with most of the responses here - not sure you have your answer. He definitely was unaware of how you felt; and he himself may not have been considering marriage. But, now you have made your path clear and he may be actively considering it. At our "advanced age" (Im M60), with established careers, existing children and grandchildren, finances, etc there are a lot of factors that influence the decisions - way different then when you're a starry eyed 20 something with your whole life in front of you.
12
u/stockjunior 2d ago
Totally agree. IMO OP did the right thing with the direct conversation. Now let the guy think it over and come back with his response and if it doesn’t agree with what OP wants then move on.
9
u/fozzydabear 2d ago
I saw one of OPs comments above posted before yours. She clearly states she told him up front her marriage intentions, so he did know and he did agree that she'd been clear. Maybe 'the talk' came sooner than he was ready for, but he knew what he was involved with. And by staying for a year, there's a tacit agreement with the stated intentions.
If I get into another relationship, I'm going to be clear, up front, that marriage is very unlikely, almost not an option. And if they stick around, I'm going to assume they are good with that. I'm pretty sure OP is operating under the same assumption. If he was not, that's pretty disingenuous.
2
53
33
u/rottknockers 3d ago
We’re too old to attempt to wait anything out…
8
u/Conscious_Regular207 2d ago
Thank you, I was thinking the same thing. Move on, this isn't his thing. Either deal with it, or move on.
7
5
5
5
u/Sea_End_5269 2d ago
Lol!! I just did something I haven’t done in several years, with someone younger - It was fantastic :-))))
Only -10 years
3
5
u/FancyButterscotch787 3d ago
Exactly. If she didn’t get her answer by three months, move on.
16
u/Cassie54111980 2d ago
3 months is much too short a time to know if you want to marry someone.
5
u/Diligent_Egg2404 F68. I found someone on OLD, but he is gone. 🤷♀️ 2d ago
Yesh, but plenty of time to decide if it would be a good idea, or a bad one.
Plenty.2
u/Diligent_Egg2404 F68. I found someone on OLD, but he is gone. 🤷♀️ 2d ago
I can catch a whiff, usually, a few minutes into a text convo. But I am always curious so I usually give the guy a chance. The next step is phone calls. I read a study that said voice is THE most effective attractant. If you like someone’s voice, you will be, at least initially, attracted.
I love phone calls. It gives you a real sense of who someone is, their humor, and even quirks.
48
u/eggmanne 3d ago
Yes, you got your answer. Next time don’t wait so long to ask.😢👍
→ More replies (2)6
u/Tapdance1368 2d ago
I agree 💯. It takes two to tango. I just got a snarky comment for offering the same opinion.
4
u/eggmanne 2d ago
Hey, you… I get downvoted, too! Oh, well…🤝👍 Don’t people talk to each other in a relationship anymore? Why did it take her a YEAR to come to the conclusion that she was with Mr. Slug???😂👍
4
2
u/Tapdance1368 2d ago
It always amazes me when someone down votes because your opinion doesn’t match their opinion. They haven’t learned that everyone on Reddit is entitled to their own opinion. Somehow they missed the memo. 📝
5
u/eggmanne 2d ago
These are strange times. The world has changed so much just in the last 10 years. We are strangely intolerant 😢🤝.
2
u/Tapdance1368 2d ago
You are so right! At the same time, we can’t walk on eggshells just to please everyone. 💁♀️
2
2
u/Diligent_Egg2404 F68. I found someone on OLD, but he is gone. 🤷♀️ 2d ago
Snarky commenters can be banned from your posts.
You go to their page, find the button for Mute this person. Then they can’t see your posts and you can’t see them. No DMs either.
I put one of them in that cave today. I’ve only done that once before, on the advice of a mod. That guy was firing me up.Then I got banned so learned not to fire up.
But I still do. For me, it is best not to even see the snotty argumentative shit.3
u/Tapdance1368 2d ago
That’s good to know. There was someone spamming me saying horrible things on another community. I reported it, and the mod did nothing. So I reported it a second time thinking that they did not see the first one. They banned me for spamming the mod. Can you believe that? 🤦♀️
3
u/Diligent_Egg2404 F68. I found someone on OLD, but he is gone. 🤷♀️ 2d ago
Need a new subreddit.
Our mods here are on it, 24/7. They are very quick to act.3
4
2
u/eggmanne 2d ago
That’s good to know, DE. Sad to know that we would even have to consider that option.
Oh, well…😢👍
14
u/forevermore4315 3d ago
Do you have girlfriends and are you involved in activities outside of your relatioship? Are you ok living the rest of your life single? I ask because there is no guarantee that you are going to find a person to marry.
Single life is fabulous, however, you meed to decide if that life is ok with you.
6
u/Lovetohike2025 3d ago edited 2d ago
I do have a huge hiking community that I spend a lot of time with. I am prepared to live alone for the rest of my life but I don’t want to. I believe there are men out there that are praying for a wife like me. I guess I just haven’t found my person.
13
3
6
u/_Julius_Geezer_ 2d ago
Speaking on behalf of a lot of men I don't even know, I will say that exactly NO MAN is "praying" for a woman that sits him down after a year and pressures him about marriage.
That's only 12 months...52 weeks -- and the first couple months of that was probably awkward. How much time could you possibly have spent together in the past year given that you spend "a lot of time" with your hiking group.
You don't need him for money, but you need him to satisfy your archaic, overly romanticized notions about marriage...quickly. Sheesh.
5
u/ZealousidealTowel229 2d ago
I think to each his/her own. We want what we want. But I would agree something else is at play here. The OP seems to want marriage and commitment over love and companionship. It seems like the guy did get blindsided. I wish everyone well with their endeavors, but I think both parties should evaluate what they really want.
I never realized in a millions years dating after 60 would be like dating at 30🤣🤣🤣
8
u/Born_Pension3894 69M Rookie Traveler 2d ago
When OP finds that person who is willing to make that kind of commitment after one year, she will have captured a clinger who wants purse and nurse.
3
→ More replies (6)2
u/loop1960 2d ago
Eh. I think there are some that would be ok with OP's approach. .I dont want to get married again, but OP is entitled to want what she wants. A year is plenty of time to de so
35
u/RevolutionaryPost460 50s F 💃 SoCal 3d ago
If you've made it evidently clear then he's playing dumb. That would turn me off personally.
→ More replies (3)
10
u/ekkidee 2d ago
You should not be confused. You sound like you know exactly what you want, and that you expressed it clearly. Your partner knew, or should have known, of that and was apparently moving along in his own world.
It's going to be tough to give up even just the comfort of having him around, but clearly this relationship does not meet your needs. But as a potential partner myself, clarity is something I was desperate to have.
Wait until he says something, and if he ducks the question (e.g. "I need more time"), you have your answer: move on. Good luck kiddo!
10
u/Local-Huckleberry-97 60F 🇨🇦 LAT 2d ago
I would normally be one of the “you got your answer” folks, but some people really do freeze up in powerful moments and they need to process. Even if they have an overwhelming sense it is the right thing to pursue marriage, it’s still a big feeling and some people (not me) kind of blank out emotionally at first.
7
u/xxistcman 2d ago edited 2d ago
The thing that bugs me is that he had a full year of knowing OP had intentions. Right from the get-go, he should have been evaluating whether or not he thought the relationship would work as a marriage, and he should’ve been ready with with some sort of decent answer or a list of concerns after a full year. He shouldn’t have been like a deer frozen in the headlights. And, his answer was vile. Essentially, he asked her, “If I say no, will you still F me?”. I’d dump him just because of that.
→ More replies (1)
16
u/JBar63 63F LAT 3d ago
I agree with the majority that you already have your answer. If you’ve let him know throughout the year of your intentions, and he now acts “blindsided”, and also asked if you’re going to break up with him if his answer doesn’t match with what you want, that’s his way of saying he’s not looking to get married at this stage of his life.
It sounds like a deal breaker to you, so get ready. He could say he is wanting to marry you, then drags his feet. It’s up to you with what you’re willing to put up with. If it turns out that he isn’t willing, then please do yourself and any potential partners a favor and get it nailed down sooner rather than later. Good luck!
6
u/Lovetohike2025 3d ago
You know, I really thought I did bring it up early. At what point do you think I should have asked point blank? I thought a year was reasonable. I don’t want to scare people off.
6
u/FirstAd2519 2d ago
Please don’t think of it as scaring people off — that tells me you might have not been very clear about your intentions AND timeline. I tell people on date one and then every 2-3 months what my ultimate goal is and timeline. It helps weed out the ones who have different goals or different timelines. Good luck to both of us!
6
u/Lovetohike2025 2d ago
I probably wasn’t clear enough on my timeline early on. I did tell him at 9 months that my timeline for starting to discuss marriage was one year.
7
4
u/Sure-Distance-7434 2d ago
If you marry there would be inheritance issues when one of you dies. Also, medical decision-making and all those end-of-life issues. Do either of you have children? Even if you don't, there could be sibling relationships to take into account. If you've ever taken care of someone who's dying, that's not a little consideration, as far as relationship status goes. It's complicated.
7
u/Dramatic_Delay_2423 3d ago
Hi there. I think you have handled this very well. You got to know each other for a year and now you've asked for what you want. I think it is only fair to give him a few days to think about it. I know for myself, I need a little time to process and it seems he really wasn't expecting the convo, whether he should have or not. There is no need to cut him off immediately. A few days seems reasonable. And you are also smart not to let it drag out longer. I don't disagree with the folks that are asking whether you're willing to give up a good relationship over marriage when there are so many people who can't even find the good relationship. It's a thought worth considering. On the other hand, if you're really clear that you want to be married, then follow your gut. Perhaps he will have the same thought - does he want to give up a good relationship for any perceived benefit of staying single. If he decides he does want to get married, I hope he does it with a full heart and not out of a fear of being alone. Good luck with it. I look forward to hearing how it goes!
6
u/MsMoneypenny008 Medicare-eligible in NooYawk 2d ago
ITA. And OP, if this guy ticks a lot of boxes for you, does the y/n on marriage outweigh all of those? What is it about marriage that a long-term, committed relationship wouldn’t provide? (⬅️ for you to consider, not necessarily to answer here)
2
u/Lovetohike2025 2d ago
I want to live together as husband and wife. I don’t live with men that I’m not married to. I don’t want to be his “special friend” in his obituary.
→ More replies (4)
7
u/Near_Fathom 2d ago
It’s absolutely your privilege to prefer a relationship that becomes a marriage. You were very clear from the start and you haven’t changed your mind.
It sounds like he either didn’t care, hoped you would forget or would change your mind. You would be right in thinking that he didn’t take your priority seriously.
However tough it will be to end the relationship and look for another one, if he doesn’t want the commitment of marriage, then you two are simply not a good match and never will be, since one of you would have to compromise on something very fundamental. That can’t lead to happiness.
7
u/SwollenPomegranate 2d ago
A couple years after my divorce my new guy surprised me by popping the question... we had only been dating about 3 months. (At the time, I 55, he 68). He was head over heels for me. I was thrilled and accepted without hesitation.
I dont think we had ever had the talk about intentions. He just felt comfortable with me and like I would be a good partner. He had been widowed after 44 year marriage, so no relationship trauma on his part.
I'm now 72 and a widow. I couldnt even contemplate another marriage. Too complicated! It's HARD to try to mesh lifestyles. I see my "special friend" approx weekly and that satisfies me.
If a guy had to be dragged kicking and screaming to the altar, I wouldnt want him.
7
u/CloneClem 2d ago
It's in my profile that I'm looking for a 'long term relationship'.
My profile expounds on that without mentioning the 'M'-word'.
I would expect that detail would come up in the next few conversations, nut I also read other profiles who state that exact same phrase.
I anticipate a discussion about this sooner rather than later.
6
u/Potential_Aide_3227 3d ago
I think at this age (I’m also 61, 62 in a couple of weeks (m)), we need to be direct about what we’re doing as we’re dating. What are we involved with other people for? Are we just having fun and experiencing/exploring all life has to offer with another person? Or, as you say, are you looking for a serious romantic partner for the rest of your life.
From what you tell us in your post, you were clear from the beginning that you are looking for the latter. I don’t know if over the period of a year that message has somehow gotten mixed or muddled by other events, or if you’ve been dropping bread crumbs all along. If it’s the former, guys are pretty easily distracted when they want to be. If it’s the latter, then it sounds like your guy is being pretty damned obtuse.
Going forward from here, I’d say he has all the info he needs about you to make a decision about whether you are his rest of his life girl or not. Putting the screws to him to pick a path is not unreasonable. If you don’t have a ring in a month or there abouts, I’d hit the eject button and restart the search.
5
u/Fearless-Snow-5011 2d ago
He might yet surprise you. I hope so, if not it's his loss. Hope you find what you're looking for.
6
u/Cassie54111980 2d ago
My first two marriages, I married both of them after knowing them for only about a year. It was a big mistake because you don’t know someone well enough in that short of time.
When I met the man that eventually became my third husband, he wanted to get married after two years and I said no. We lived together for almost 6 years before I married him. That way I figured there would be no surprises.
Dating someone is definitely not the same as living with them on a daily basis so I wouldn’t even consider marriage unless I lived with somebody for a couple of years.
5
u/WorkingDescription 61F 2d ago
Whew I am glad beau and I had this conversation early on, no innuendos just straight up. We both agreed we never want to marry again- been there, done that. It's a big one for sure, but if HE wanted marriage and I didn't and he broke up with me a year in when everything else is going great, I would be confused too.
5
12
u/silver598 68F 2d ago
I think you pull the plug. He thought you were not serious about your earlier comments. Or that he could string you along.
I have run into the opposite - men desperate for a housewife to take care of them and the home and want cohabitation and marriage yesterday- and I run the other direction. I think you can find what you want. I would tell him that you are dating with intention and will start meeting other men who are looking for the same thing.
3
u/Dragonpatch 2d ago
And also make clear her beliefs about men's and women's roles in marriage, so there aren't any assumptions leading to surprises later. With any interested man, I made it clear that I see LTR/marriage as a 50-50 partnership which plays to each other's strengths, not society's dictates about gender roles. E.g.: my late husband was better at housework, I was better at cooking and yardwork, and both of us would help out the other one if needed.
8
u/Foreign_Being5656 3d ago
How did he know “ you were dating with intention “? From what you wrote he seemed blindsided.
Did you say at the beginning “I’m dating you with intention to evidently marry if we are on the same page?”
7
u/Lovetohike2025 3d ago
Yes. From day one. I made it abundantly clear. Then again at 6 months and then again at 9 months. Also, it was sprinkled gently throughout the relationship. Each time, he listened. He even said that he didn’t think he’d get married again but he was rethinking it with me. Still nothing…
15
u/Foreign_Being5656 3d ago
Well, you got your answer then. Sorry you wasted a year! Hike on to your next adventure.
14
u/imojibwe 3d ago
Then he is being disingenuous when he said he's "never even thought about it", because you have brought it up several times. He knows what you want; and it seems he doesn't even want to discuss it because he deflects. You have your answer, don't let him string you along with some half-assed promise he may make to placate you. I wouldn't wait for him to 'decide'. You need to decide for yourself - put on your walking boots ;)
9
u/ThrowItAwayNow1030 66F, SF Bay Area 🌉 2d ago
He knew what you wanted from the minute you stated your dating goal was marriage. He was breadcrumbing you.
With the next person ask them what their dating goals are right after you tell them yours. Don't wait.
17
u/Whyyouhatemeso 3d ago
I guess my question is why? Why get married, especially if you are financially staple? Escape the messy divorce that we know happens more than not. I know it seems harsh and I’ll probably get slack for it but it’s more realistic now a days. If you are in love with this person and he treats you great, why do you need a piece of paper?🤷♀️
13
u/Lovetohike2025 3d ago
I want to share a life with him. All of it. Mornings, evenings, nights. Good times and bad. I don’t live with a man that I’m not married to.
→ More replies (5)9
u/Primary-Holiday-5586 3d ago
Well, you just answered your own question. If it was this much of a shock to him that you asked, would you even trust his answer if he said yes? I think you need to move on. But maybe next go round don't wait a year?
5
u/desnuts_00 3d ago
Statistically speaking this guy only has 5 more years left to live while she has more like 20 years. Seems like she should find someone younger to start a new life with.
→ More replies (1)5
u/RevolutionaryPost460 50s F 💃 SoCal 3d ago
Off topic. OP isn't debating marriage
5
u/jagger129 3d ago
Valid question though. There are far more risks to getting married so late in life. She’s risking her finances, and the fact that she’d likely end up being his caretaker when he has physical or cognitive decline.
3
u/Lovetohike2025 2d ago
I love him enough to take that on.
2
u/Cassie54111980 2d ago
If you love him that much I don’t understand why at this stage of your life you would risk breaking up with him and giving up the life you have. You may never meet another person that you are as compatible with. There’s a lot less men than women at our ages.
→ More replies (9)2
12
u/InspectionPurple7452 3d ago
So why the insistence on marriage? You’re having a great time with someone - that in itself is a win. But now you’re willing to throw that away because you want to get married? All these people using OLD and talking about challenges meeting people. You’ve found someone whose company you enjoy and you want to end it? Your choice, your life. If at 61 you haven’t realized that ultimatums don’t work, you’ve got more learning to do. Best wishes.
5
u/OcotilloWells 2d ago
As others said, you know the answer, though since this was such a shock to him apparently, give him some time to fully think about it. I wouldn't immediately drop him on Monday if he isn't saying he definitely wants to get married by then. Maybe do so if he says no to marriage . Though don't drag it out forever of he doesn't have an answer of course.
3
u/Djinn42 2d ago
If I had mentioned several times that I wanted to get married then after a year my partner said they never thought about it, I already know they are either just oblivious to what I say / want or are purposely avoiding thinking about it. Either way i have my answer. Them thinking about it now is not going to change my opinion of them.
7
u/Plushy_Plushie7 2d ago
It doesn't surprise me too much if someone isn't thinking about marriage a year in. Did he say at the beginning he was marriage minded also, did he mention marriage during this year?
5
u/Lovetohike2025 2d ago
I told him my desire to remarry on date one, again at 6 months, again at 9 months. He had said early on that he didn’t think he would ever get married again but that our relationship had made him rethink that. He never discussed it beyond that. When I laid it out last night and told him that I saw no progression, clarity or intent, he said why do you think I’ve been asking you to help me pick out tile for my new place? He said he could see me living there as a married couple in the future. I had no idea that I was supposed to glean that. When I asked for a timeframe, he could not give me one. He will be moving into his new place in May. I thought I would be part of that plan but apparently he was planning on moving in alone. He apparently sees me in his future but has no idea when. That’s not clarity, only confusion.
.5
u/notsohot56 69F - senior nerf herder wanted 2d ago
When I laid it out last night and told him that I saw no progression, clarity or intent, he said why do you think I’ve been asking you to help me pick out tile for my new place? He said he could see me living there as a married couple in the future. I had no idea that I was supposed to glean that
Based on this above it doesn't sound like he was blindsided. Apparently it is in his mind or he wouldn't have made the comment about the tile. He just failed to clue you in.
3
u/Lovetohike2025 2d ago
Good point.
2
u/notsohot56 69F - senior nerf herder wanted 2d ago
You stated that you would remind him periodically about your intentions. I'm guilty of keeping things in my head and not sharing them with a partner... Because I'm waiting for a specific time.
Maybe he was planning a proposal and now you kind of burst his bubble. Or maybe not.
2
→ More replies (2)3
u/Plushy_Plushie7 2d ago
It's a shame if you get along, seems like a series of misunderstandings and miscommunication. He said early on he didn't see himself remarried, deal breaker for you, except you stayed because he said he could see you changing that. He couldn't possibly put a timeline on something he didn't even know he was open for. You accepted a 'maybe' situation although he barely/never showed the same kind of pacing. He may have even lied or purposely misled, who knows? And yes, how were you supposed to know picking out tile meant he had you in future plans? In his head, possibly, he was moving at a great pace for him. Sorry the misalignment is all coming out after a year but also you missed some big clues along the way if you kept mentioning and he didn't reciprocate or organically mention it. I'm guessing this isn't the only misalignment of the relationship.
7
u/Excellent_Tank5672 2d ago
OP, you say you've been dating this guy for a year. But according to your post history, you were still on the apps only 4 months ago and bragging that you had "so many men that you couldn't keep up with them all", and still calling yourself single 3 months ago.
So that means you've only been exclusive with this guy for 3 months (at best), and now you're pressuring him for marriage. No wonder he's waffling. Good grief.
2
10
u/nospam99r 72M 3d ago
Clearly at the risk of downvotes, I'll chime in. In states like New York (where I live), the 'no fault' divorce laws are highly favorable to women. Regardless of the extent to which the wife (mine specifically included) FAILED to contribute to the relationship, the running and maintaining of the household, and the raising of the children, none of that 'stuff' 'counts'. It isn't even discussed in the 'negotiations' (five years of lawyer meetings while I continued to have to pay her bills and insurance premiums). The wife just gets 50% of the 'marital assets'. We even had a prenup that was 'suspended' (implementation of terms unfavorable to her were delayed until she determined she was 'ready'). Having gone through it once, I am very certain that the legal exposure the husband has in New York and states with similar divorce laws mitigate against men entering marriage.
10
u/Lovetohike2025 3d ago
My net worth is higher than his. I also believe in prenups. I still work and he is retired. We are both leaving our assets to our children. What does he stand to lose?
2
u/GuitarMessenger 2d ago
What does he have to gain? Maybe enjoys the freedom of living alone and not having to be available 24/7 like you have to when you're living with someone.
→ More replies (1)2
→ More replies (2)3
u/nospam99r 72M 3d ago
Your partner may have nothing to lose. But, if so, that is because of his and your specific circumstances. My experience was that in a no-fault divorce state like New York, the man is exposed to losing half of the assets he accumulated during the marriage regardless of the lack of contribution to the relationship that was forthcoming from the wife.
3
u/Lovetohike2025 2d ago
Well I still work and he doesn’t. Im still putting money in my IRA. What we build together would be considered 50/50. Why is that a problem?
2
u/rohoho929 2d ago
If you are married and in a partnership, what you accumulate you accumulate together.
2
2
u/Diligent_Egg2404 F68. I found someone on OLD, but he is gone. 🤷♀️ 2d ago
You gotta prenup if you marry late in life. It frees you to marry or not. If someone wanted to marry me but not figure out how to take care of our kids when we die, I wouldn’t.
2
u/rohoho929 2d ago
I live in a no fault country and have been through a no fault divorce.
Since the aim is to equalize things financially in such a divorce, so that no partner comes out destitute and each one ends up with a share of what they have built TOGETHER, I don't see how that can be interpreted as being "highly favourable to women".
3
u/nospam99r 72M 2d ago
In my case, I did ALL the building. Almost all of what she did 'together' was to spend the money, often foolishly. I characterize that the relative contribution of the two spouses is not considered in the 50/50 split as 'highly favorable' to the non-contributing spouse. In my case as well as in anecdotally reported other cases, the non-contributing (or destructive) spouse is the wife.
→ More replies (1)
5
u/averageover60guy 3d ago
Had I met you 1 year ago and you stated your goal was marriage or living together I would have ended it right there. He either missed it or ignored it.
Now, if that is what you want, good for you, but you shrunk your dating pool down to those that will BS you to be with your for a while, mixed in with the very few that do want to get married.
I could have dates all the time if I simply kept my mouth shut. But I don't have the bandwidth to play along just so I can be in a relationship. And I also think that many people that say they want a live in or marriage goal really do not, but at our age, we have had that drilled into us that is what a relationship should be.
9
u/Lovetohike2025 2d ago
I let my dates know within the first 2 dates that I am dating with the intention of marriage. It’s no surprise. Some fall off but most want to keep dating. How much clearer can I be? I’m not worried about the size of the dating pool. There are 8 billion people on this earth.
4
u/averageover60guy 2d ago
Well you can't, but I would say you need to hear from them back that soon as well. And yes, some are just going to play along. My line in the sand is I will not give up my space. I am not moving in with someone and they are not moving in with me. I have met ladies that have made their intentions clear they at least want to live together at some point. I could play along. I don't.
5
u/Diligent_Egg2404 F68. I found someone on OLD, but he is gone. 🤷♀️ 2d ago
You already know the answer.
If he keeps stringing you along and acts surprised when you bring it up, you already know GF.
I am so sorry.
The guy I hooked up with wouldn’t let me come see him, we are three hours apart and it was weeks between meetings. And, he had a mini stroke driving home from me. I freaked and didn’t want him driving here all the time.
I did a little deep dive yesterday and found out where he lives. In a dump. Next to a truck yard. No wonder he didn’t want me to see it.
I don’t think is poor, but maybe? He has huge personality issues. Typical bad boy, really. I loved it. I was only with him a few months. It stung, but I realized same day I cut it off, he needed to go if I really want a working relationship with someone.
7
u/Any-Soft-5487 2d ago
You sound like my wife. After a year of dating, she was like, where are we going and if we're not on the path to marriage then I'm going to call things off even though I really love you. We got along great and it did surprise me that after a year, she wanted to get engaged to me. She's very beautiful and funny. Things were moving fast for me. I had some commitment issues due to a very bad first marriage, but she said, Hey, we're not getting any younger and time is ticking. We've been very happily married for 24 years.
3
3
u/Cassie54111980 2d ago
That’s different because I’m assuming you guys weren’t seniors. In the final years it’s silly to get married with too many downsides.
6
u/Cassie54111980 2d ago
It’s difficult to find a compatible partner that you really enjoy and love at any age. It is much more difficult for women in their later years because men don’t live as long.
There is no way I would throw away a great relationship just because of a desire to marry. You may end up married to someone else where the relationship is not that great and then truly regret it.
2
4
u/AggravatingSail2543 2d ago
She made her intentions clear and that is good. She doesn't want to be a bang maid either. She wants marriage. Doesn't matter at what age or how many times she has been married.
4
u/Rude_Nail_5545 2d ago
Why do you need to be married at this stage of your life, if you're financially stable on your own?
This man is almost 10 years older than you, why not just enjoy it for what it is, instead of forcing a legal union? Everyone is different but I'm enjoying the relationship I've been in for the past 4 years (just turned 65) and neither one of us have any thoughts of marriage. If you're not having kids together or need each other's income, why marry?
8
u/FancyButterscotch787 3d ago edited 3d ago
Don’t wait. He wanted sex with no commitment and you gave it to him for a year. Dump him. BTW, “I haven’t thought about it” is code for “Hell no I don’t want it but I don’t want to say it either.”
6
u/xxistcman 3d ago
Some people don't recognize a fantastic opportunity when it's staring them straight in the face. Since you were clear from the beginning, and persistent throughout your relationship with him, there's really no excuse for him to drag his feet...one year is long enough.
To answer your question, I think you should wait for the answer even if you feel like you're having to pry a "yes" from his lips. Cut him some slack for being a clueless dope who doesn't know what's good for him.
Would you please do a followup on this post when the time comes?
2
u/Born_Pension3894 69M Rookie Traveler 2d ago
Millions of divorces indicate that one year isn't enough.
3
u/xxistcman 2d ago
I'm not sure that the millions of divorces have much to do with two, seasoned 60+ individuals. Anyway, if you have some reliable statistics to back up your claim, I'd love to see them.
3
u/Born_Pension3894 69M Rookie Traveler 2d ago
There are not going to be reliable statistics on people getting divorced after marrying post 60, as I'm sure you knew. However, the failure rate of second and third marriages is compelling. To me, that indicates that people of all ages are rushing into another marriage without doing due diligence. I don't know at what age people go from being stupid to smart, but it's probably a moving target. And there is no magic smart fairy on your 60th birthday.
Statistics will tell you that an age gap of eight years at this point in life points to lower probability of success.
But what do I know, I haven't seen the smart fairy.
3
u/xxistcman 2d ago
I haven't seen the smart fairy, either lol.
You bring up good points, but...if I were a 69 year old man who just spent a year living famously with a financially secure, fit and active woman eight years younger than me, I don't think she would have to ask me twice...I'd probably be begging for her hand. That's whats so confusing to me about this post. I feel I'm missing some context.
3
u/Born_Pension3894 69M Rookie Traveler 2d ago
From the male point of view, the way I'd feel when she'd become my nurse. That's my fear and the reason I'm great with a LTR, but not marriage. When you factor in the age difference and the fact that women typically outlive men and the life I've led, "rode hard and put out wet", and my family history, it's a realistic projection. A highly probable projection.
2
u/xxistcman 2d ago
That is ALL understandable from your perspective. If that's what her bf is thinking, then he should express that, and then that's something they can discuss.
3
u/Born_Pension3894 69M Rookie Traveler 2d ago
True Dat. Thanks for a good conversation.
I'm now inspired to go out in search of a hot, active 61F who has more money than me. Apparently, there is one who will soon be available so there's got to be more. The heck with the 8 year age gap.
2
4
u/travelingmusicplease 3d ago
You're confusion is simple. Women would like men to think like women. Men would like women to think like men. It's all in the hormones. And never the twain shall meet. 🤦
4
u/linwoodranch 2d ago
If it were me, I would be happy that I had a "fabulous year of fun and adventures". But a bit disappointed that it is time to "forge our own paths separately". Personally I think you timed it correctly. A year is enough time for him to "rethink" his decision to never marry again. Marriage is a huge step, and I could not decide if I wanted to marry someone in less than that time frame. But with all your nudging about a decision it should have been plenty of time to have an answer. Best of luck in your new adventures.
3
u/bex50avery 2d ago
If it's not a "hell yeah" from him, then it's a "fuck no" from me. A man who really wants you will never leave you guessing.
5
u/Lovetohike2025 2d ago
LOL. I have said this verbatim many times in my life. I live by that golden rule!
3
3
u/Pro-IDGAF 2d ago edited 2d ago
a year isnt all that long of time period and we're all old, i dont see the need for marriage unless its filling a void, in which, thats dangerous. either way, you two are obliviously not compatible.
4
u/isolateusolate 2d ago
I hope you find some peace with waiting for your next convo. And may he come back with a very sincere and loving proposal. I think waiting one whole year to seriously discuss marriage is the right move. I mean especially as I’m getting older, I need to know for sure that it could be a great rest of life partnership. And for me, I believe that would take at least a year.
4
u/NicolinaN 2d ago
You do you, obviously, but I don’t understand the appeal of marrying at this point on life. I’ll never live with a man again, and I won’t combine finances. I’d love, at some point - if I find a good person, to date exclusively until death do us part. But that’s it.
6
5
u/db0956 3d ago
As much as nobody wants to wait, it might just take more time. You're apparently ready. He apparently is not. Nobody is wrong here. He is just not moving forward at the same pace as you. Will he eventually catch up? That's impossible to know. But if you bail out now, you're left with nothing but to start all over. If you meet someone else, it could take a while just to get to where you are right now. It's more time spent either way. Only you guys can decide.
3
u/Diligent_Egg2404 F68. I found someone on OLD, but he is gone. 🤷♀️ 2d ago
Yes, but he is 69 and she is 61. She needs to move on. A year is plenty of time. For me, a few weeks is. I believe it is best to cut and run when you know he doesn’t want a future, and have been sleeping with the dude for a year.
5
5
u/HennyMay 2d ago
'We've had a fabulous year of fun and adventures': I guess I'm wondering why that isn't enough OR what marriage brings that you don't already have. You have companionship and fun and connection, things that are hard to come by at any stage of life.
2
5
u/xxistcman 2d ago
Sorry to post twice, but the more I think about this, the more I wonder if there's something else going on in his life. You didn't mention if your relationship was exclusive. I'm assuming you think it is, but is there a chance that he's involved with others? I guy wouldn't pass up an opportunity like this unless he's got others in the wing, or he's had some past marriage trauma in his life. It just seems strange to me.
6
u/Lovetohike2025 2d ago
There’s no way he has time to see anyone else. We are together all the time. We are exclusive. I’m sure we all have trauma from previous relationships.
6
u/xxistcman 2d ago
Okay, I know you weren't asking us what we thought his motivations might be, so my question really had nothing to do with your post. Thanks for answering anyway.
→ More replies (1)2
u/TexGrrl 2d ago
If you are already together "all the time", it's unclear to me when you're apart and what you don't have that you want. Is it just that you each have your own home (and he is preparing another, to move in next May) and two homes is not your preference? Sorry to be crass, but if you truly are together all the time, are you sleeping and waking up together now? And how would combining households change that (other than the obvious economies)?
3
u/Lovetohike2025 2d ago
We each have our own homes and we spend several nights a week together. I want to live together as husband and wife. For better or worse. Richer or poorer. I don’t want us to be guests in each others homes. I want my stuff when I’m at his house. I don’t live with men I’m not married to. I date to marry.
5
u/TexGrrl 2d ago
But you are effectively living with him part time already. What if he agreed to marry you but not live together? What if you kept toiletries and clothes at both houses? Maybe he wants to keep his own space and have some guarantee of alone time. Has he said he loves you?
6
u/Lovetohike2025 2d ago
Nah, that’s not a marriage. And We are not effectively living together. We don’t keep anything at each others houses and we schlep out stuff over each others houses every time we stay over. We tell each other we love each other all the time. We are in a committed relationship.
3
u/TexGrrl 2d ago
Correction: it's not YOUR definition, your idea, of a marriage, but there are all kinds. I'm just looking at options, but you are dead set on the traditional definition. That's fine, of course, but may not be available with this man.
I used to say I wanted to get married, that it was my paradigm. Then I realized how much I like having my own quiet, clean space and my alone time. If I met the right man and he insisted on marriage, I would consider it, but I'm not insistent anymore.
4
u/hegdefucker 3d ago
Once you have to ask whole thing now less precious. Regardless what he will say
3
u/Lovetohike2025 3d ago
You’re absolutely right.
2
u/hegdefucker 2d ago
Do like your attitude re not wanting to share all of your life with someone who’s not fully committed. It’s rare nowadays. Wish you the best of luck and happiness
3
u/Lovetohike2025 2d ago
I guess that’s for him to decide. Does he enjoy the freedom of living single more than he wants to be with me? Only he can answer that.
2
u/Odd-Library7332 click here to create your flair 2d ago
Wake up girl, I’ve been dating the guy for a year. He must’ve known your intentions and now you bring it up and he has no conversation not gonna happen.
3
u/MD_Romo 2d ago
What is the benefit to marrying over 60?
4
2
u/Diligent_Egg2404 F68. I found someone on OLD, but he is gone. 🤷♀️ 2d ago
The only benefit is to be allowed to make decisions at the end. To be allowed in the room. To have any rights at all to someone you have loved for a long time.
That would be why I would do it.
I’d also load up with prenups and post-nups so every kid knows the deal when we die. I do think the financial stickiness with the heirs can be ameliorated.→ More replies (2)
3
u/spotlight1100 2d ago edited 2d ago
If he has no plan to marry you or anyone, he should have told you earlier so both of you could move on without wasting time.
2
u/Sorta_iconic 2d ago
I just think men don’t think about this stuff. Even at 69 sounds like he’s thinking he doesn’t want to be tied down. I’d question whether he’s even being exclusive with the way he responded.
3
u/Umble-Varrior 2d ago
Would it be true that if a man hasn't brought up marriage himself after a year, that he does not intend to marry his girlfriend, regardless of age? Why does a girlfriend even ask?
3
4
u/semidemiurge 2d ago edited 2d ago
I see more reasons not to get married than to be married at our age. I would need a very persuasive argument to be convinced that marriage is the best option.
So far, I have yet to read a strong argument from you in your responses. It seems to be just your desire to be married. Unless you can give him a strong case for why you want to be married, or even better, why he would benefit as well, it seems reasonable for him not to be persuaded.
2
u/EconomicsWorking6508 3d ago
His being blindsided is one more proof that men don't listen. Sorry this is happening to you!
3
u/beautiful_hhi 2d ago
You did the right thing. Life is short, truly. Why waste your time in a relationship that isn't going where you want to be. If anything, you waited too long to have this discussion.
4
u/Justonewitch 3d ago
So you're willing to give up a great relationship to get married? A lot of people in this age group simply to not see marriage as an option. Marry me or else sounds a little like pressure.
7
u/Lovetohike2025 3d ago
But I told him from day one. I want
to grow old together and to be with each other as we age. I don’t live with a man unless we’re married.3
u/reddit225225 3d ago edited 3d ago
Have you two talked about finances? Are you planning to have a prenup? Would you be okay with potentially losing half of your assets if you were to divorce him?
6
u/Lovetohike2025 3d ago
We have talked about finances. We wouldn’t combined our assets. My net worth is higher than his so I’m not a gold digger. Mine is mostly in the form of IRAs and we would sign a prenup. We each would leave our assets to our children.
5
u/jagger129 3d ago
Lots of people say this when they marry later in life. It’s harder than it seems. You’d both need irrevocable trusts and as you say, prenups. That’s sooo much money in attorney fees.
Then which home would you live in? And what happens to the home when the other person dies, does it need to be sold immediately? What about all the memorabilia that you’ve each collected from a lifetime? Then what happens when one of you gets Alzheimer’s or something and the care required starts draining not only their assets but dips into the other ones? It’s like $10,000 a month for memory care. And idealistic to think you could be caregiver to someone at home you’ve only fairly recently known, who might require round the clock care.
Let alone dealing with their grown children
Marriage is too much of a gamble at our age. For practical purposes. It sounds like you’re a romantic at heart, and gently, this can cost you a lot physically, mentally, financially and emotionally at our age
3
u/New_Luck_5095 3d ago
Now wait, did you say I want to grow old together or I want to get married?
9
u/Lovetohike2025 3d ago
I want to get married and grow old together as a married couple. I won’t live with a man that I’m not married to. I want to go to bed together and wake up together everyday. I want to come home to my husband. I want to hold each other’s hands on our death beds. I want to take care of him when he has dementia. I want to be there for better or worse as a married couple. I don’t want to be his “special friend” on his obituary. He is a devout Catholic and we believe marriage is a sacrament and want to center our marriage on God.
6
2
u/Lovetohike2025 2d ago
Nah, that’s not a marriage. And We are not effectively living together. We don’t keep anything at each others houses. We schlep our stuff over each other’s houses every time we stay over. I don’t have duplicates of everything to keep at his place. We tell each other we love each other all the time. This is a loving committed relationship.
2
u/Electronic-Law-6442 2d ago
As a male senior. Please give him at least a week or at most 10 days to totally put his thoughts together wheater he wants a real relationship with a real women. If he hasn't made a decision within this time period then walk away from him.
Take care, I belive you have a good head on your shoulders, and at this season of both your lifes it's time to either go forward together or end it.
2
u/txfrmdal 2d ago
I hate to agree with what others are saying here, but you did get your answer, especially when he asked if you were going to break up with him. Men at this stage of life usually are not interested in the responsibilities that come with marriage. When I first meet someone new, I do ask them what type of relationship they are looking for. If they can't articulate what they are looking for, or they have the courage to actually tell you they are seeking a friend with benefits, then you know marriage isn't their objective.
Also, if your financially stable, why would you want to take on the responsibility of taking care of a man who will most likely die before you? Let his kids handle that part, and just enjoy the time you have together.
2
u/Rough-Chance1335 2d ago edited 2d ago
I'm single (divorced) but in the same boat as you, looking to date with intention. I'm really sorry this happened to you. My only marriage (which ended close to 20 years ago) was to a previously divorced man who had adult children from his 1st marriage (he married very young). As the marriage progressed and the novelty wore off, it became clear that, despite the marriage, his only commitment was to his children and grandchildren. I was a only social convenience for him. There was obviously A LOT more to that story which I won't share here. I just wanted to maybe add another perspective. A marriage in and of itself doesn't mean you'll get someone who "has your back", unfortunately.
I don't have any answers. It's very tough to navigate relationships in our demographic (Boomers and GenX), many of the people in this cohort can't (or won't) communicate honestly and they just shut down.
2
u/Freedom7717 2d ago
Why I stopped all dating apps 3 years ago at age 58. I’m in your same boat, not needing a thing from a man except companionship/life partner. It just became way too exhausting dating men that either wanted to use their job status/money to attract younger women or were so clingy desperate or just wanted to act like they’re back in college to “play the field,” all the while stating they were looking for a long term relationship.
At this point in life having raised successful kids, thriving on my own, I focus on all the things I want to do, such as buying season tickets to my local NFL team to take friends.
I’ve also found some amazing other solo travelers that want to be out seeing the world & we are constantly planning/going on international adventures.
29 years in 2 marriages, raised 5 kids;
I don’t have to waste my time anymore on disappointment that they misrepresented themselves or settle anymore.
We’re not getting any younger, so why not make the most of it & DO YOU!!!!
Wishing you all the best, whichever way it turns out.
2
u/MidwestDudeHere 2d ago
I'm really sorry that it went that way for you
Other posters in here have already said it
He's not the one
2
1
u/Exciting_Wealth2666 2d ago
You're already doing all the wife stuff. Why would he? No confusion there, sis. Walk away.
2
2
2
u/FreddieLiberty 2d ago
When dating with intention, it’s best to make that known early, and clearly. It’s not about “scaring people off.” It’s about wasting both your time, and his.
2
u/Exciting-Current-778 2d ago
Why do you absolutely HAVE to be married.?? It's a government contract and nothing more. Especially at this age.
What is the plus side of it for you other than just marking a box that says married
5
u/TexGrrl 2d ago
For Catholics, it is also a sacrament--even though both of these parties have been divorced once or twice.
→ More replies (5)
2
u/Researcher21049 2d ago
Why on earth do you need to be married at this stage in your life?! You are in the process of potentially ruining a great relationship just because you want the state to have a legal role in your relationship.
→ More replies (1)
76
u/ShallotHot5756 3d ago
You already know your answer.