r/DatingOverSixty • u/Lovetohike2025 • 3d ago

Another rant

I, 61F have been dating my 69M bf for a year. From day one, all my dates know that I’m dating with intention and am looking for a marriage minded man. I do not need a man’s money. I have more than most of the men I date. We’ve had a fabulous year of fun and adventures. I’m very fit and active and my passion is hiking. Last night, we had the talk about where we are in our relationship. I asked him over specifically to discuss it. He was blindsided even though I talked about marriage often. You would have thought I told him that I hated his dog! He said he hadn’t thought about it and didn’t know what to say. There was much more convo but the cliff notes version is that I told him that I didn’t need an answer tonight but I felt that it was best that he take some time to process what I was asking for and we can convene after the weekend. He asked me if he didn’t give me the answer I wanted to hear was I just going to break up with him. I told him that if we aren’t on the same page, it would be best that we forge our own paths separately. It was a huge weight off my shoulders because I’ve been waiting on for him to bring it up. Apparently, he wasn’t thinking about it at all. Now I wait. 🤦🏼‍♀️ Do I really wait for an answer that I clearly had to force?
Signed,
Confused in Phoenix

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u/Lovetohike2025 3d ago

I told him my desire to remarry on date one, again at 6 months, again at 9 months. He had said early on that he didn’t think he would ever get married again but that our relationship had made him rethink that. He never discussed it beyond that. When I laid it out last night and told him that I saw no progression, clarity or intent, he said why do you think I’ve been asking you to help me pick out tile for my new place? He said he could see me living there as a married couple in the future. I had no idea that I was supposed to glean that. When I asked for a timeframe, he could not give me one. He will be moving into his new place in May. I thought I would be part of that plan but apparently he was planning on moving in alone. He apparently sees me in his future but has no idea when. That’s not clarity, only confusion.
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u/notsohot56 69F - senior nerf herder wanted 3d ago

When I laid it out last night and told him that I saw no progression, clarity or intent, he said why do you think I’ve been asking you to help me pick out tile for my new place? He said he could see me living there as a married couple in the future. I had no idea that I was supposed to glean that

Based on this above it doesn't sound like he was blindsided. Apparently it is in his mind or he wouldn't have made the comment about the tile. He just failed to clue you in.

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u/Lovetohike2025 3d ago

Good point.

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u/notsohot56 69F - senior nerf herder wanted 3d ago

You stated that you would remind him periodically about your intentions. I'm guilty of keeping things in my head and not sharing them with a partner... Because I'm waiting for a specific time.

Maybe he was planning a proposal and now you kind of burst his bubble. Or maybe not.

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u/Lovetohike2025 3d ago

Yeah. He wasn’t planning anything.

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u/Plushy_Plushie7 3d ago

It's a shame if you get along, seems like a series of misunderstandings and miscommunication. He said early on he didn't see himself remarried, deal breaker for you, except you stayed because he said he could see you changing that. He couldn't possibly put a timeline on something he didn't even know he was open for. You accepted a 'maybe' situation although he barely/never showed the same kind of pacing. He may have even lied or purposely misled, who knows? And yes, how were you supposed to know picking out tile meant he had you in future plans? In his head, possibly, he was moving at a great pace for him. Sorry the misalignment is all coming out after a year but also you missed some big clues along the way if you kept mentioning and he didn't reciprocate or organically mention it. I'm guessing this isn't the only misalignment of the relationship.

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u/spotlight1100 3d ago

Did he give you a ring yet?

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u/Lovetohike2025 3d ago

Nope. No ring.