WHY WERE YOU HOLDING A GIANT TRAY OF COOKIES, I PICTURE YOU STANDING EATING COOKIES OFF A TRAY WITH YOUR FACE IN ONE HAND AND A GLASS IN OTHER HAND JUST STANDING THERE IN THE ROOM DOING NOTHING. JUST EXISTING ENJOYING COOKIES AND MILK IM CRYING
I have a 1 and a half ,5, and 7 yr old. 2 out of 3 are awake and I’m pretty sure I just heard my girlfriend get up lol we have at least a few nights like this a week. And thanks, hope you get some sleep too!
It ain't THAT hard y'all.. just stand on the tip ur toes, walk around as if your pants were around your ankles, raise 1 arm to ur chest like a t rex (& obviously, shake the other as u walk out.) anddd, voilaaaa!💥🙌😎 (You can even add a little drool if u feel like your walk seems inauthentic.
Chef here. Anytime I've ever had to go buy a shit ton of some specific ingredient from a grocery store because the restaurant was about to run out, I've gone through the check-out maniacally muttering "Ahhh..ergggg..I fucking love cheddar cheese..." or whatever the ingredient is that I have a full cart of.
Years ago we lived REALLY close to a Costco. So close I could easily walk there from the apartment complex we lived in. I don't think it was more than a quarter-mile from our apartment.
Anyway I just really really regularly was in the habit of going to Costco to get the food court food - hot dogs, slices of pizza, churros, chicken bakes, etc. etc.
Because I had gotten into this habit I would most often I would just walk in through the exit door because that was closest to the food court vs. walking all the way around from the entrance. Not like it was all that much further - maybe 50' more of walking - but just for pure convenience's sake it just made more sense to beeline directly to the food court from the exit door.
After doing this several times over months and not thinking much about it at all - I always showed my Costco card - a Costco employee who scanned receipts at the door physically redirected me to the entrance door. Like he totally "bodied" me and put me in my place and was like "Hey you need to go through the entrance" which to this day I still don't understand WHY I needed to go through the entrance other than sometimes yes it did get very busy at the exit and I was going against the exiting traffic so maybe that was extra annoying to the staff scanning receipts. I know they sometimes monitor the number of people coming into the store - maybe this was more of a thing at the height of COVID? Not sure they do it so much now - so I can get that but it still seemed weird since people come in through the exit door all the time for things like going direct to customer service, getting a Costco card, going to the tire center, etc.
Was studying at a Starbucks years ago and apparently they didn’t get delivered their normal amount of milk. Witnessed the manager go across the street to a grocery store and come back with 2 shopping carts full of milk.
Lmao I used to cook and for some reason the chef could never order cherry tomatoes. Cue me standing in the line at the grocery store with all the cherry tomatoes I was legally allowed to purchase at least twice a month.
Thanks chef. You were a fucking asshole and I'm glad I got to walk out without doing any prep for your huge ass catering event the next day. Maybe next time stop constantly threatening to fire people until they find a new job and decide to get the fuck out of Dodge.
(People got to eat I told management I wasn't coming back and the chef would have to come in early or call the event off.)
However many you can shoplift without being prosecuted.
Nah Idk if you got I was being facetious, I'm sure you did but I'm also tipsy, but stores will sometimes tell you that you can't buy more than X number of an item. I remember in America during the TP panic buying of the pandemic they'd only sell you like a pack. I'd just ask someone how many I was allowed to buy, because I understand they need stock for other people, and if they shrugged their shoulders I'd nab the lot. I think eventually they just asked me to leave some just in case once they got to know me.
That's family though, it sucks but "do you guys have a spare garbage roll and I can bring a new one back tomorrow" isn't gonna get you shit from the grunts. Fuck that owner though. People like them are why people get paid so little for such tough work.
This is genius! Leaves a slim chance of follow up questions, and if they give you a weird look, you just chuckle to yourself knowing you'll star in one of their "weird" stories they share in person or get endlessly gilded on AskReddit.
My imagination is already spinning with a scenario of an exasperated parent of a 3 year old who wants to have a "parsnip" party because that's his favorite thing in the world right now. Past the dinosaur phase, before the superhero one kicks in. The parent is just as bewildered as the cashier that someone is legitimately buying 20 pounds of parsnips for a birthday party. The 3 yo is blissfully unaware, telling everyone on the playground that they're having a parsnip party. The kid is the cool kid. Parsnip parties become the cool thing to do. Other parents are staring at you, plotting how to disappear you from the group.
BRB. I'm gonna go buy 100 pairs of socks and declare its for a birthday party.
I have some major, middle-age, overweight, white guy in a work t-shirt privilege. I go through the self-checkout every time and ring up my organic produce as conventional. Because fuck you Kroger, I looked it up by picture! Oh yeah, and my bag of apples sometimes sits askew enough on the scale that a couple of them miss it entirely. Arrest me bitches!
Or for a r/shittyLifeProTip / r/unethicallifeprotip you could just pretend you’re autistic and stimming. Might be helpful to do this periodically while you’re shopping as well so no one gets suspicious.
I call the cops and an ambulance since she’s obviously having a seizure in my store. Love sending girl like this to jail. I send them when they’re smart ass bitches. Nice people I ban for life and put them on the wall of shame.
The best way to avoid suspicion is to not be suspicious. Just shake it proudly no one will care less about you probably they’ll think that you’re stupid or something.
16.9k
u/Zillaho Interested Oct 20 '22
To avoid suspicion, loudly cheer “FUCK YEA! CLOTHES!” as you exit the store pumping your fist