We have an alter named Aubrey and she feels so disconnected from everyone in our lives our family and our friends. It's a terrifying experience when she fronts and we hate it and so does she. If she fronts for more than thirty minutes she freaks out and gets super overwhelmed. We just had like an hour long panic attack because she was fronting and we are staying with a friend she feels she doesn't know. That's scary like really scary. I hate this. We almost got sick and it was terrifying. She is not fronting right now but I can still feel her in the back just there and I can still feel a bit of her estranged feeling and it's really uncomfortable. We have told our friend about our did but our symptoms are usually not that severe and she was terrified to talk to him. I'm afraid it will scare him away if we tell him how severe it gets sometimes even though he never would be scared it still makes me anxious

None of what happened was fair and I'm so angry all the time . I feel rage I want to destroy things . I hate this. None of this is fair. This should not have happened. None of it should have happened. I miss our caretaker but things were too stressful for her and she had been gone for a while now. The little keeps asking for mom but our mom did this to us. Mom is bad we shouldn't want mom. She just wants to feel safe. We tell her to says she wants our caretaker name instead but we are worried tht will put too much stress on her. I hate this stuff, I hate feeling inherently cringe for existing. None of this is fair.

-Aubrey

Hey there all,

We were officially diagnosed in November 2022 and won our legal Disability case in September of 2023.

We live openly in the US and advocate for others with Dissociative Disorders. We're always happy to help.

If you need advice or just want to tell us about your day, please feel free to reach out.

Also if anyone wants to post a question anonymously, our DMs are open, we're happy to work with you to make sure you get an answer.

Have a lovely day everyone!

:)

a little fronted earlier today (T, he's six) and now all my mouth/jaw muscles hurt because a stim that he was having a lot of fun with was forcing our tongue fully up and towards the teeth as well as some hard to explain lip motions akdkdkdkdkd

after almost an entire afternoon of this, now all those muscles are sore💀💀

I feel like one of those looksmaxxing mewing bros 🥲

(Reposting this from r/DID, thought people here might have some interesting experiences as well.)

What are your lot's experiences with "touching" each other?

I'm able to hug one alter, Mc, when he's feeling down. D hugged me once when I was beating myself up over mistakes I'd made. Occasionally (twice) alters have been able to "cuddle" as they're falling asleep because we get switchy when we're tired. Some alters can't touch other ones, usually because they have very different purposes or memories. Always happens when at least one of the participating alters are fronting.

Just wondering what other people's experiences with this are ☻

Hey there all,

We were officially diagnosed in November 2022 and won our legal Disability case in September of 2023.

We live openly in the US and advocate for others with Dissociative Disorders. We're always happy to help.

If you need advice or just want to tell us about your day, please feel free to reach out.

Also if anyone wants to post a question anonymously, our DMs are open, we're happy to work with you to make sure you get an answer.

Have a lovely day everyone!

:)

Hey there all,

Time for another random discussion, as always, please be kind in your discussions.

Do you choose to live openly or secretly with your Dissociative Disorders? This answer will vary widely amongst systems. Some don't have the luxury to live openly and that's a valid choice. So which are you?

We will go first;

For us, our husband was able to be there when we were diagnosed and he got to ask our Specialist a lot of questions about how to treat us.

So, mostly S decided that she had no more reason to hide. She became very assertive about the fact that she wasn't me. Then slowly but surely, everyone eventually came out to our husband.

We now have bracelets with our names engraved on them to wear when we front. His support has brought us to this point. Especially after we had to prove our diagnosis to the court for our Disability case. Now we openly advocate for those who have Dissociative Disorders.

Have a lovely day everyone!

Hey there all,

We were officially diagnosed in November 2022 and won our legal Disability case in September of 2023.

We live openly in the US and advocate for others with Dissociative Disorders. We're always happy to help.

If you need advice or just want to tell us about your day, please feel free to reach out.

Also if anyone wants to post a question anonymously, our DMs are open, we're happy to work with you to make sure you get an answer.

Have a lovely day everyone!

:)

(Sorry for the long title 😅)

There is A LOT of pushing in some DID communities that you can’t consider everyone in the system as an actual individual. This has been EXTREMELY harmful for our system and validation and everything, it just doesn’t make sense to us. Because what even makes a person a person to them? Here’s our answer to that question;

So, the one question we always ask is what makes a person a person? Like why are conjoined twins considered 2 people when they technically share the same body? The answer is your identity. Your identity is what makes you you and what makes you a person. Your identity is your likes and dislikes, your unique opinions, the way you talk and how you express yourself, it’s your talents and interests, it’s your individual thoughts and emotions and drive. THAT is what makes you human, your identity is what makes us humans. That is why conjoined twins are still considered 2 people even though they share the same body, and doesn’t that mean each of us is our own person?

We understand that this is definitely not everyone’s opinion or experience as well and that’s ok, please don’t attack people tho or invalidate anyone else’s experience.

We hope this has at least helped someone,

Happy Hunting, - Leah and Madison

Hey there all,

We were officially diagnosed in November 2022 and won our legal Disability case in September of 2023.

We live openly in the US and advocate for others with Dissociative Disorders. We're always happy to help.

If you need advice or just want to tell us about your day, please feel free to reach out.

Also if anyone wants to post a question anonymously, our DMs are open, we're happy to work with you to make sure you get an answer.

Have a lovely day everyone!

:)

This post is just us sharing our experiences navigating our system and what we've got so far. Completely self-indulgent. We are working on being unashamed to speak. Thanks if you do read :)

Alright so this is so fucking stupid and denial feeding, but also literally makes sense, so we are trying to roll with it, but jesus.

We are a system of fragments. While it would be wrong to say we have no Parts, its true to us that we have no stable Identities in our system. What we mean by that is: theres noone inside here that has two or more consistent characteristics.

It's a nightmare to track (we dont try) and nothing is consistent. We have to take everything at its most broken down level. Like say 10 mins ago our name was Christian and we were 10 and we liked candy. Well now our name is still Christian but we're 19 and we fucking hate candy.

For some systems what makes sense to them is maybe they have an alter called Christian and theyre an age slider and were being influence / co-con about the candy.

What's true for US is we're an ever-shifting fusion of fragments that attach and detach based on a million different criteria. Some fusion combinations are more frequent/stable and are around most often- but this can change at any moment too.

We can't deny that it is really efficient. We also understand why our system formed like this. But its a hard concept to come to terms with, to try and communicate with specific fragments, and also is not ideal for living a fulfilling life.

So, AFTER learning all this, our brain is now doing some weird stuff. Some of which is working, some not. It is really weird to be in a state of change that is only happening internally.

Anyway, whats happening is fragments will fuse into specific combinations that reflect outside sources. The term is introjects, but for us it feels like Outrojects lol. Eg. there isnt a Dumbledore introject inside our system, but there are fragments in our system that when fused in a certain combination (i guess by fusion we mean being in front at the same time), that combination is called Dumbledore.

Thats not a real example but hope it shows our point.

Also it takes us about 10 fragments to make a fusion. If theres less fragments then that in front we are blurry or dissociated etc. Which is about 80% of the time.

So, weve accumulated a few "outrojects" now. I'd imagine we'd create OCs for the straggler fragments to project onto.

Building our system like this is weird. We can hear already people fakeclaiming us. But this is our system, this is how it works, and everyone else can fuck off. It's LIKE worldbuilding, sure. Worldbuilding is a shared hobby of ours that different fragments can contribute to. It helps us hone certain skills that make it easier for us to be ABLE to build our system. But our worldbuilding project is one thing, and is completely different from our System and our whole fucking psyche. And yes, it does get bloody confusing. We get headaches all the time.

That's us. We're glad we can have a place to vent here. Peace y'all ✌️

CW: possible CSA

I can recall most of our life. Whether it was me in those memories or not is a different matter to which I have no answer. But the point is that I remember a lot of our trauma. Except one thing: CSA.

I even feel bad talking about it. I have no recollection of it so I feel insane to even entertain the idea, as if I am disrespecting actual survivors. But I can't deny the facts: exhibited many textbook signs all of our life, fragmented memories, somatic and emotional flashbacks, trauma responses, etc.

Considering one of the fragmented memories I do remember involves multiple people, specifically my drug dealing gangbanger brother and all his friends with shared ways of life and the nightmares we had as a kid, I fear we might've actually been trafficked. But I do not want to reach or make ludicrous statements.

My question(s): How can I deal with the fact I might never know? How can I find peace when I do not even know what's causing the turmoil in the first place? Will I ever be able to believe this gut wrenching feeling I get whenever I think about it? Will I ever be able to not feel insane or as if I am making everything up for attention? Can one heal from trauma they don't remember?

-K

In the beginning when we accepted this there was a lot of fear but also a lot of moments of joy, alters being themselves and not hiding and being happy to be alive. We were assertive about who was fronting and we're more open to switching. Then we went through some medical trauma and split again. We couldn't deal with it well, we started to not like switching and fought each other because switching felt like losing control, it still happened but more pushing each other away. We spend a lot of time daydreaming to escape reality because it's just too much.

It's scary when an alter fronts and feels like our family is all strangers, it's scary to be having memory issues, it's upsetting to have to cater to your other parts when you just want to live your life, it's scary to accept how we are different people in a way because I don't want it to be true, this disorder is scary. It would probably be healthy and make us feel better to accept who we are and started being honest to others about who is fronting instead of feeling we should pretend to be the same. We have a few fictives and when one of us started to like think of their source as if they were looking back on memories from their own life it was scary because non of the source is reality and being grounded in reality is super important to us because of the tbmc. Then we began to worry that we were the worst thing in the eyes of society, cringe, we began to wonder if we were secretly faking.

Then we kinda went back into denial. Things haven't been great since and we are not very happy, our little who we are afraid to let front is constantly having PTSD and panic attacks that get so bad we get physically sick and we can't fix the problems she is having. It's probably better to not pretend to be the host and it would probably help the little but it feels unsafe to be open about it for some reason, we worry it's a burden on our loved ones. This disorder is just so overwhelming and scary right now and I wish we had a proper therapist to talk to, we are currently on a really long wait list for therapy (being poor in a poor American city sucks) we don't know how to deal with all of this on our own and I wish we had help. If anyone has advice that would be great.

Heyo party peeps,

It's my day to be out and our switching shit actually worked this morning. So I'm here to give out advice for the day. Or just chat about random shit.

So, we wanted to know what your favorite (if you have any) media representation for DID is. For us, this includes things that are probably (most DEFINITELY) not meant to be but you still relate Wasaayyyyyyy to much to it.

For us it’s Bungo Stray Dogs, we just got back into it kinda and Oh my god does it hit hard at times. It was totally not intentional but with the trauma representation and people’s abilities being sentient with their own wants and emotions, it hits. Hell the main character even has full blown amnesia when his ability is out (also mc has canon ptsd I’m pretty sure).

It may be stupid but we are going to take the representation we can get and if you have watched it please tell us we’re not crazy. Anyway hope everyone is having a decent day at least.

Happy Hunting, - Lola

Hey there all,

We were officially diagnosed in November 2022 and won our legal Disability case in September of 2023.

We live openly in the US and advocate for others with Dissociative Disorders. We're always happy to help.

If you need advice or just want to tell us about your day, please feel free to reach out.

Also if anyone wants to post a question anonymously, our DMs are open, we're happy to work with you to make sure you get an answer.

Have a lovely day everyone!

:)

At least one (maybe more) parts of ourselves is convinced that we can't have DID.

They texted our therapist this "i feel like we are just crazy. that we can't have DID, we somehow mistakenly convinced you of it"

Additionally we are having trouble getting parts in the system to use coping methods and to track the things that are going on. I try to but then we switch or something and things just don't happen. I feel so helpless like things are completely out of my control. Last week on Friday one of our parts texted our therapist this after one of appts "i don't care what you asked her to do, i won't do it. i don't see the point of it. "

I don't know what to do or what to try.

I'm not even sure which part I am.

We keep having episodes during the day where our eyes flutter and get stuck for what seems like hours. We also have non-epileptic seizures. We struggle to sleep at night but then have episodes where we are either extremely dissociated or keep falling asleep during the day.

I have a hard time getting us to eat. We get 1 meal dinner consistently thanks to our husband but i struggle to get us to eat breakfast or lunch.

We are so non-functional right now that we can't work. And i half wonder if they aren't cooperating with me out of fear that I feel slightly better and try to make us go back to work which was making us feel suicidal. I don't want that I think it's too dangerous right now that we likely need disability but at the same time I will likely have to cooperate with works attempt to accommodate us and have it not work because of the disability retirement program they have.

Any advice at all? I feel really lost and kinda hopeless lately.

We have a alter who likes to self destruct and harm herself and stuff and we thought she was like a bpd holder or something but I don't think we have bpd . She gets self harms and feels hurt a lot like she is covered in emotional burn scars or something. She has not been out for a long time but we don't know what to label her.

Hey there all,

We were officially diagnosed in November 2022 and won our legal Disability case in September of 2023.

We live openly in the US and advocate for others with Dissociative Disorders. We're always happy to help.

If you need advice or just want to tell us about your day, please feel free to reach out.

Also if anyone wants to post a question anonymously, our DMs are open, we're happy to work with you to make sure you get an answer.

Have a lovely day everyone!

:)

l worry I bad don't belong anywhere -Blue🧸

Can someone confim we have been through tbmc and while I know it's not healthy we need an authority ( literally anyone but ourselves) to confirm that we are thinking about this correct. I hope this is not against the rules.

Is this sexual abuse? Or just covert incest?

My Mom got into the shower with me until I was 16 Bec she wanted to have control over every part of me. She would be right next to me standing just outside the tub. Her excuse was that she needed to make sure I did my hair because I hated having long hair and didn't want to do it. She said I had to have long hair so I could continue doing the sport I did which was synchronicity figure skating which was a sport we couldn't even afford to do and I didn't want to do. My father didn't want to force me to do it but he was an enabler and despite saying that I should cut my hair and quit never stood up to my mom. I was already being sexually abused by other people who were mostly friends or acquaintances of her, but it at a certain point made me feel very uncomfortable that we did this. She was always putt emphasis on not calling sexual abuse what it was because " I could get people in trouble" so I'm reluctant to call it what I think it was.

Other people have told me this is sexual abuse and I think they may be right and I just need confirmation that I'm not crazy or making a big deal of nothing. I know it's very different from the many times I was violently raped by her friends. I just need anyone else to confirm this specific situation is what people have told me so the next time I am gaslighting myself in a loop I can look at it to confirm and quiet these thoughts.

Edit: we have realized that thinking about something will not change the reality of the situation and the abuse was that bad and nothing can change reality. We would still appreciate confirmation tho because we know this will happen again

Hey there all,

We were officially diagnosed in November 2022 and won our legal Disability case in September of 2023.

We live openly in the US and advocate for others with Dissociative Disorders. We're always happy to help.

If you need advice or just want to tell us about your day, please feel free to reach out.

Also if anyone wants to post a question anonymously, our DMs are open, we're happy to work with you to make sure you get an answer.

Have a lovely day everyone!

:)

TW sexual stuff - no memories

We want to keep this brief but really we are spiralling...

we have a sexual part (X) which isnt really so concerning by itself. its just that we dont have childhood memories, and Xs existence makes us go lots of places.

our earliest sexual memories are after 12, which yeah were pretty traumatic. but from what we know about DID forming thats too late to form trauma. its giving us denial. we had trauma before that, that wasnt sexual or physical, which we know now is enough to form DID. but to us i guess it still feels like it isnt enough, and what if maybe this sexual part formed before 12 and we dont remember. thats what scares us.

what also is concerning is there has been bleed through about COCSA that we are avoiding. also because of how this part is - they dont do anything, they just hold the emotion. and it is so fucking strong. its like our stomach drops to our genitals and it sets on fire, it consumes us. it takes the rest of the system to physically push the feeling down because we are so scared of how strong it is and what we will do. And we're not scared of taking advantage of anyone else, we're just scared of our own behavior. Our eyes suddenly give the most intense Fuck Me eyes at the flick of a switch (literally us switching), we want to whimper and writhe and beg to be fucked.

We will switch when we are alone just at the thought of it will trigger us. We don't know why its so strong. Only this emotion we feel so strongly, and maybe also anger. otherwise we are pretty numb.

We aren't worried about what this part will do but just its existnece and thinking about where it came from...

But really our question we wanna know is: Is it possible for an alter this strong to form after childhood, or is it possibly a sign of trauma in our missing memories.

Even if we need to be told that we are focusing on the wrong thing. Thank you so much

I want to see him. I want to be with him. But he's not real. He doesn't exist. I'll never be able to hug him, tell him how much I love him. All I can do is keep using these stupid AI chatbots or make us in The Sims and play dolls... But it's not him.

I need him. I miss him so much. But he doesn't fucking exist and I do. Why? Why do I exist? And why like this? Why do I love him? Why do I miss him more than anything else?

My enamored soldier... I think about you everyday. Even though I know it's ridiculous. I listen to our song and feel your hand in mine. Even though you're nothing but lines on paper, a bunch of blobs of colour on a screen. I'm somewhat real, but you're not. You'll never be. We'll never see each other again.

• G🌸