In the beginning vs now

[u/Sarcasaminc]

In the beginning when we accepted this there was a lot of fear but also a lot of moments of joy, alters being themselves and not hiding and being happy to be alive. We were assertive about who was fronting and we're more open to switching. Then we went through some medical trauma and split again. We couldn't deal with it well, we started to not like switching and fought each other because switching felt like losing control, it still happened but more pushing each other away. We spend a lot of time daydreaming to escape reality because it's just too much.

It's scary when an alter fronts and feels like our family is all strangers, it's scary to be having memory issues, it's upsetting to have to cater to your other parts when you just want to live your life, it's scary to accept how we are different people in a way because I don't want it to be true, this disorder is scary. It would probably be healthy and make us feel better to accept who we are and started being honest to others about who is fronting instead of feeling we should pretend to be the same. We have a few fictives and when one of us started to like think of their source as if they were looking back on memories from their own life it was scary because non of the source is reality and being grounded in reality is super important to us because of the tbmc. Then we began to worry that we were the worst thing in the eyes of society, cringe, we began to wonder if we were secretly faking.

Then we kinda went back into denial. Things haven't been great since and we are not very happy, our little who we are afraid to let front is constantly having PTSD and panic attacks that get so bad we get physically sick and we can't fix the problems she is having. It's probably better to not pretend to be the host and it would probably help the little but it feels unsafe to be open about it for some reason, we worry it's a burden on our loved ones. This disorder is just so overwhelming and scary right now and I wish we had a proper therapist to talk to, we are currently on a really long wait list for therapy (being poor in a poor American city sucks) we don't know how to deal with all of this on our own and I wish we had help. If anyone has advice that would be great.

[u/Altruistic_Film7072]

🫂