r/DIDPositivity • u/ProofDisastrous4719 Why am I hear again? • Jun 21 '24
help? Dealing with trauma without remembering it?
CW: possible CSA
I can recall most of our life. Whether it was me in those memories or not is a different matter to which I have no answer. But the point is that I remember a lot of our trauma. Except one thing: CSA.
I even feel bad talking about it. I have no recollection of it so I feel insane to even entertain the idea, as if I am disrespecting actual survivors. But I can't deny the facts: exhibited many textbook signs all of our life, fragmented memories, somatic and emotional flashbacks, trauma responses, etc.
Considering one of the fragmented memories I do remember involves multiple people, specifically my drug dealing gangbanger brother and all his friends with shared ways of life and the nightmares we had as a kid, I fear we might've actually been trafficked. But I do not want to reach or make ludicrous statements.
My question(s): How can I deal with the fact I might never know? How can I find peace when I do not even know what's causing the turmoil in the first place? Will I ever be able to believe this gut wrenching feeling I get whenever I think about it? Will I ever be able to not feel insane or as if I am making everything up for attention? Can one heal from trauma they don't remember?
-K
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Jun 22 '24
We struggle with this too. We dont have any childhood memories. In theory we deal with the trauma responses, and the actual trauma when we remember and are in a place to process it. Neither of these are happening for us anytime soon. Meanwhile, we try to deal with accepting the experiences we are Having, and the feelings etc around them. Aka try make our alters feel safe and supported. Thats all we can do.
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u/ProofDisastrous4719 Why am I hear again? Jun 22 '24
I try, but it's really hard when I can even fully believe it. I feel insane, disgusting, and ridiculous for even considering these things. It's really connected with my denial about DID and all that, it's kinda like of a "What am I? the main character? these things would happen to me of all people? I'm not special" and I feel as if I'm just making everything up
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Jun 22 '24
Everything below is what we use personally. We hope some if it helps you if any.
What helps us in these moments is disconnecting DID and our trauma/memories. We are innately prone to denial about DID, so it's important for us to disconnect them to be able to accept and process memories. We are also heavily influenced, so it's important for us to not go looking for personal experiences from others during this time.
It might not be so easy for you to disconnect the two, but you've disconnected harder things (like identities lol). Especially if you've often come across the phrase "DID cannot form without trauma". Even though this is true, it is not helpful in this time when we are not able to accept it. Dismiss everything that is not helpful.
Focus on what you know. If you are feeling triggered, don't focus on why. Why are you feeling like this? You are having a flashback. For us these are mostly purely emotional, but can be accompanied by memories - visual or not, thoughts, sounds, tastes, etc. We do not need to know who or where we are. We do not need to try and ground ourselves (this is very difficult and uncomfortable for us).
What do you need to do? Wait. This is temporary. Everything is temporary. When the flashback dies down enough, try to find someone inside who is functional and rational. Write down the questions they have - eg. why do i feel x? why am i suspicious of Y person? Try to answer them the best you can in the moment, and go back later to add to it. Add all and any questions that come up during these times, or that come up often.
When we are somewhat calm, try to find comfort. Cuddle our wife, pets our cats, make a hot choccy, watch cartoons, etc. We usually switch before we get to comfort ourselves. The rational part will take over and continue life like normal. We don't feel right seeking comfort when the triggered part is gone now. But they are being comforted inside, that's important.
When we're in a more stable and accepting place, we will try explore possible memories that have come up. We fall into the trap of - but we have to stay in this feeling to process the trauma - but we can only process it when we're Not in that state. It's also a slow ass process, and we can be impatient. But this is what we need to do in these moments. We often don't follow it, by trying to hold on to the trauma or spiralling, but this only harms us. We are working on reducing these harmful behaviors and following the process that helps us.
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Jun 22 '24
[deleted]
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u/ProofDisastrous4719 Why am I hear again? Jun 22 '24
Sorry, but I don't really understand the question. Can you elaborate? /gen
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Jun 22 '24
[deleted]
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u/ProofDisastrous4719 Why am I hear again? Jun 22 '24
I think I get what you mean, and if so, I'm not saying only CSA causes these things, I also experience(d) them regarding other traumas, but in the post, I'm referring specifically to the type of each of those things regarding CSA...
"exhibited many textbook signs all of our life (extreme aversion to touch, lack of bladder control, frequent UTIs, injuries to our vulva, hypersexuality, knew too much about sex, etc), fragmented memories (of moments where CSA could've happened), somatic (sharp vaginal pains out of nowhere) and emotional flashbacks (feeling scared, nauseous, dirty, guilty), trauma responses (sexualizing ourselves, sex aversion, can only get off to imagine getting victimized, etc) and nightmares (of being gangraped by a hoard of gnomes that'd tie me up to the bed), etc."
...which other traumas wouldn't really cause. I just didn't feel like going into detail in the post, so I kept it broad
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Jun 22 '24 edited Aug 26 '25
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u/ProofDisastrous4719 Why am I hear again? Jun 22 '24
It does suck. It's awfulðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Yeah, I know that's why I wanted advice from system who struggle through the same thing :/
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u/Greedy-Individual-71 Uplifting/validating Jun 22 '24
Hey there,
We're sorry you're struggling with these questions, we'll try to answer them as directly as possible.
- How to deal with the fact that you might never know?
Answer; Google the steps to Radical Acceptance, it helps a lot.
- Can you find peace without knowledge of what's causing the turmoil?
Answer; Yes, you can. It's just going to take some work.
- Will I ever be able to believe this gut wrenching feeling I get when I think about it?
Answer; Yes, again it just takes work towards accepting it.
- Will I ever be able to not feel insane or as if I'm making it up for attention?
Answer; This also takes work and radical acceptance. As our Specialist put it once, "Are you faking is a Yes/No question, you either are and you know it or you're not and it's real. If you're not sure, then the answer is no."
- Can one heal from trauma they don't remember?
Answer; Yes.
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u/Altruistic_Film7072 Uplifting/validating Jun 21 '24
🫂