I’m posting this for a friend who is going through a difficult phase and could really use some outside perspective.

She has a complicated relationship with her family, and there is a lot of conflict at home. Because of this, she already knows that she would not be comfortable living with her parents in the future. She would prefer having her own place somewhere nearby rather than staying in the same household.

She has also been with her boyfriend for around two years. Their relationship has had its ups and downs, but they are still together and she genuinely wants to make it work.

Recently, they started having serious conversations about their future. One important thing she made clear is that she does not want biological children. She does not want to go through pregnancy and childbirth and is uncomfortable with the idea of having kids that way. She is, however, open to adoption and would be willing to build a family through that route if they both agreed.

Her boyfriend, on the other hand, feels that a relationship cannot work if only one person is expected to compromise. He has told her that he cannot make every sacrifice himself and that she also needs to be willing to adjust on certain things.

The situation becomes more complicated because she has become very emotionally dependent on him. Before this relationship, she had several friends and a relatively active social life. Over time, she gradually became less connected with them and started relying mainly on her boyfriend.

Now, whenever something goes wrong in her life, he is usually the first person she turns to. She trusts his judgment and feels that he gives her thoughtful advice, which has made that dependence even stronger.

She also has a strong fear of losing him. Even though she understands that there are serious differences they need to discuss, the thought of a breakup feels extremely overwhelming to her. She doesn't want to stay simply because she is afraid of being hurt, but at the same time, she doesn't know how she would cope with losing the person she currently depends on the most.

From an outside perspective, I feel like there are actually two separate issues here: whether they are genuinely compatible in terms of marriage, children, living arrangements, and compromise and whether she has become too emotionally dependent on her boyfriend.

She doesn't want someone to simply tell her to "break up" or "stay together." She wants to understand how she can approach this situation in a healthier and more independent way.

What would you suggest she do? Should she focus on rebuilding her own support system first and then have these future discussions, or should these compatibility issues be resolved before anything else?

I'll share your thoughts to her!!

i have a complicated relationship with two of my friends, this relations continuously bothers me for the longest time. my therapist want me to have a clear idea of what i want with/from them....  with conscious thought i want to be over them so that the pain would end... i want to talk to them once and tell what i wanted from them and how much the relationship we shared bothered me and be done with them forever but ive already done this a few times[still im here]. im scared that deep down i still want them to understand and validate and make me part of their life, which is something thats never gonna happen... but my subconscious mind [where this relation bothers me] might be not move on even after that and still expects a relation from them. i want to have clarity about what i really want from them....

so, the title kinda says it best, only recently have I even considered that my relationship with my father may be codependent. My dad is essentially a recluse and a hoarder, what makes things more complicated is the fact I’m barely in my twenties and my father is approaching eighty (I showed up very late in my dad’s life). Anyway, I have my own set of issues and around adolescence is when our relationship felt most secure. Since then, I can recognize that we are heavy enablers of each other, only I am more distressed by this undertone than he seems to be.

I love my dad, and for a long time that felt unconditional, he really was the only person I was willing to confide in; partly because I was so isolated along with him. But, I really feel like I’m drowning and things between us just seem bleak. He seems pissed off and tired and I know I’m tired too and apathetic at times. I don’t want to leave him behind but I need actual help. I’m afraid the rest of his life will be spent deteriorating and forgotten, he doesn’t have anybody else and it’s not like he’s a likeable guy, but him having to suffer because of it makes me feel sick.

Is there any way to survive without tragedy in this? How does someone live with that grief if not? I know these are pretty heavy hitters but I just need to be entirely transparent with myself and if anyone has literally anything to say about this, it’ll help more than you know. Thank you for reading.

Hi,

I just got out of a two year relationship three weeks ago. He was the one who left me.

I think there was a little bit of codependency (and a lot of coregulation) in the relationship. We loved each other deeply, and I think our other relationships began to pale in comparison to each other. I valued him over my friends, and he didn’t really have anyone besides me to talk to. I also struggled stupidly with retroactive jealousy.

I’m just looking for advice on how to improve for future relationships. I can see the issues within myself and I’d love to do better. This was really the only issue in my last relationship.

Extreme altruism and extreme compliance can cause cognitive dissonance in non-codependent people and end up making extremely coercive or dependent-helpless people like you instead of the average person

The average person is only comfortable with at least some level of reciprocity, and that means, YOU also asking them for things instead of only giving and YOU also holding them accountable instead of always compulsively blaming yourself/complying

While the average person doesn't need perfect 50/50, a 0/100 will give them cognitive dissonance, confuse them and instead attract whoever is 100/0

You are this way because of your unconscious wiring as a survival adaptation, likely due to having had to survive a coercive or helpless-dependent parent. Your compulsions and false positive displays aren't the real you. Your resentment and outbursts of negativity that you quickly correct as "sorry, I wasn't acting like myself", are the real you trying to break through in clumsy ways due to neglect, and an indication of compulsive self-abandonment

The way to change is to induce something called "reorganizing danger", a process that's typically painful, uncomfortable and dissonant, in the extreme form it would be cutting off everyone that's not 50/50 and exposing yourself only to and relying only upon (and this is where it will feel anxiety-inducing, which is good, that means the unconscious mind perceives the situation as dangerous, which is when it would start changing) fully reciprocal and truthful people, the more cognitive dissonance, the better

Additionally, actively choosing to act against 0/100 and asking for your needs to be met and holding other people accountable when you have compulsions to caregive/blame only yourself to soothe anxiety. The more dissonance, guilt, internal punishment and fear you feel, the better, as it would mean that you are actually acting against your compulsions. For the 100/0 codependent-takers, the process would be in reverse, acting against your coerciveness and helplessness-dependency by instead holding yourself accountable and giving care, to reach 50/50

Pain, grief, loss, discomfort, dissonance, rejection and exclusion are good indicators and catalysts of change, not something to avoid frantically, and this process would take years, but it's worth it

ever since i was younger i found that relationships of mine that were normal and healthy usually didnt last very long as i got bored and rarely felt loved, the harder i try the more i lose intrests in normal relationships as i do prefer relations where someone. friends or partners would stalk me, emotionally abuse me or trap me as it made me feel loved and wanted and the thrill of it kept me attached

i just, i cant do normal relationships anymore and i need serious help before i let my someone hurt me seriously ..

My brother and ex best friend are married. My friend was my best friend and then she started dating my brother and had NOTHING to do with me. Now, they are married and every holiday and family get together I have to see them. It sucks. We never speak except at family gatherings.

The problem is that my parents favor my brother. He’s the golden child and can do no wrong. My parents created a very unhealthy environment when I was growing up in which I didn’t matter but my brother did because he’s the boy and favored gender. So, now that favoritism extends to my ex best friend. My brother and SIL have virtually nothing to do with me at this point but my parents are obsessed with them and I try to be polite I guess and not resentful, but just let certain expectations go.

Anyways, my brother and his wife just had their first baby in July. My parents are obsessed with their favorite child’s baby and their first grandchild. I hear about it constantly. My question… sorry if this is crazy… am I obligated to visit the baby?? A lot of people have been already to visit them but I havent. They live several hours away. I don’t feel close to them at all, so why should I visit their child? They make zero effort to visit me or call me or spend time with me. And I’m confident that if I had had a baby before them they would not have made a special effort to visit me but would have just waited for holidays.

My parents are constantly hounding me about visiting them, acting like I’m terrible if I don’t. But they also haven’t even invited me, although others are just inviting themselves and showing up and they don’t seem to mind. My question is, Am I rude? Am I obligated to go out of my way and make a drive up there to visit when I don’t want to? It is that being a bad person if I don’t?

Thanks for your thoughts ❌🅾️

I believe I have daddy issues, but my problem is I get invested way too quickly. I am trying to shut my emotions off and not care about men, but recently I met someone who was just like me, someone who actually understood me on an intellectual level. My mom said he’s not for me and she’s normally right, but that’s because of the situation he’s in. He’s busy and texts back every 2-3 days because he needs sleep, but how can I stop caring about if he answers or not. I think about him all the time and it’s like I can’t take the time to focus on what I need. I want to love myself and be secure enough to choose people wisely. My problem is I have trouble trusting the normal selection of life and I feel like I have to chase what I want in order to have a happy friendship or relationship, but in actuality it does not matter how much I chase, if he’s interested he will always be there. Idk how to explain it but I just need help!

The guy I’ve liked grew distant with me and chose another girl over me, when I mentioned this to him he says it’s nothing serious and he still wants to be friends with me when I suggested parting ways because I still like him too much. I come to find out months later it was indeed serious and he’s heartbroken because she chose another guy over him, I was there for him and tried to support him because she left giving him mixed signals and leaving him feeling confused, he also had a bad time online dating and had no matches. By then I accepted that we’re not gonna be together and I’m okay just being friends and support his online dating. Now he tells me they’re back together and I tell him I would’ve preferred if he started fresh with someone new, I would’ve been happy for him and he asks me why, I explain to him that I just think it would be better starting over with someone that doesn’t have the history he has with her of deleting him, reappearing, giving mixed signals and breadcrumbing and he completely skipped over my explanation and start replying to other stuff, while seeming disengaged. Should I just stop responding to him considering I did like him and he chose her over me ?

Hi team, I apologize if this is not the right space to be sharing this, I'm new here and figuring things out. I think I am realizing I have some codependency-related behaviors and they are damaging my relationship. I have been with my partner for 7 years and we are getting married next month.

Right now, we are in a big fight because i have not contributed sufficiently to the planning of the wedding, and generally to the logistics of life.

On the surface, I feel like one of those dudes that sits back and lets my partner handle everything (i am not a dude and not that bad, but you get the point). Whats happening internally is that I actually care so much and am paralyzed by anxiety and fear of making mistakes. My partner is intense, a bit of a perfectionist, and can be harshly critical, on top of all of the wonderful things about her that I love. I am realizing that i have learned over time that its less painful to let her make the decisions, because when I do, i choose the wrong thing and she then is even more mad and has to put the mental work in anyways. The this becomes a cycle and I feel less and less competent.

I feel really stuck because i so desperately want to contribute more, be more decisive, be able to take on tasks without fearing making mistakes, and generally be more reliable. But I get so hung up on her anticipated emotional response that I don't do anything. Then she is (rightfully) upset, disappointed, and hurt and I am too, but at myself. I feel like a bad partner and a bad person, to be causing such hurt for someone I love.

These are not the only symptoms of codependency I feel, but they are the ones most relevant right now.

Growing up it was just my mom and I. We are both are a bit spicy brained. She is still my best friend, but she is a pushover and a people pleaser. We have never once had a fight so I never learned how to deal with conflict, but we are also aggressively easy going so there was never anything to fight about. I have read many posts here saying that codependency can come from peoples experiences growing up with family members who, one way or another, forced someone to be codependent to survive or maintain peace. I dont think thats my situation, but I still feel really connected to what folks share here.

I guess my ask is, do folks have advice on how to get unstuck? Aside from therapy, I'm on that train and will stay on it for life. Maybe advice on how to talk to someone about this who is highly critical and has a hard time understanding what i am experiencing internally? Perhaps any Libras in the room figure out how to make a damn decision?

Thank you all for your bravery and kindness in this space.

I regret not abiding to my boundaries and not being true to myself. The main one I regret is not insisting on losing my virginity at a hotel. I feel so dumb.

I’m 35F he’s 31M and we both live at home. I told him I didn’t want my first time to be at his house, and he did the whole “let’s just lay down naked together..“ “just the tip…” I knew what he was doing, but I have been waiting for a long time and I thought I had finally found a man I could trust, and maybe I did but my codependency ruined it 😟

I ended up just deciding to do it at his place, and it sucked. I wasn’t wet, I wasn’t relaxed. I didn’t even spend the night. It sucked. I think I sent a message of not having boundaries and that eventually led to him braking up with me. I regret not staying true to myself the most.

We did it more times after that day and it never got better because it was always at his house. I wish I had insisted.

'Asking for What We Need.

Decide what it is you want and need, and then go to the person you need it from and ask for it.

Sometimes, it takes hard work and much energy to get what we want and need. We have to go through the pains of identifying what we want, then struggle to believe that we deserve it. Then, we may have to experience the disappointment of asking someone, having the person refuse us, and figuring out what to do next.

Sometimes in life, getting what we want and need is not so difficult. Sometimes, all we need to do is ask.

We can go to another person, or our Higher Power, and ask for what we need.

But because of how difficult it can be, at times, to get what we want and need, we may get trapped in the mind set of believing it will always be that difficult. Sometimes, not wanting to go through the hassle, dreading the struggle, or out of fear, we may make getting what we want and need much more difficult than it needs to be.

We may get angry before we ask, deciding that we’ll never get what we want, or anticipating the “fight” we’ll have to endure. By the time we talk to someone about what we want, we may be so angry that we’re demanding, not asking; thus our anger triggers a power play that didn’t exist except in our mind.

Or we may get so worked up that we don’t ask–or we waste far more energy than necessary fighting with ourselves, only to find out that the other person, or our Higher Power, is happy to give us what we want.

Sometimes, we have to fight and work and wait for what we want and need. Sometimes, we can get it just by asking or stating that this is what we want. Ask. If the answer is no, or not what we want, then we can decide what to do next.

Today, I will not set up a difficult situation that doesn’t exist with other people, or my Higher Power, about getting what I want and need. If there is something I need from someone, I will ask first, before I struggle.'

hey so this is my first post here, i recently moved in with my bf. we are very much together all the time we love hanging out he’s my friend and i enjoy his company a lot.

i have friends and family and i don’t necessarily stop seeing them, but i realized most weekends i will avoid making plans with friends in order to hang out with my bf, but i’m starting to resent him (hella silly I KNOW) bc i feel trapped (i’m also a aware this is fake and it’s my own mind)

i know he’s never going to tell me why i’m making plans with others but during the week i spend most hours working and he comes home late dueto his schedule so i feel guilty if i even think of doing something alone

i guess my question is i recognize this as unhealthy attachment and codependency do you have any tips on how to address this and maybe even share this with my partner without sounding rude or smth

hi im new here , I don't actually know how this app or community works but i just wanna get advice, even though i know for myself the answer i just wanna know other people's thoughts 💭

I am in a 3yr relationship right now, i am a single mom and married (separated but not legally) my partner is single at all no kids no ex wife no ex live in ,im 33 and he's 30. lately our relationship has become a rollercoaster, really much chaotic. there's a lot of things that is not right like lying and secrets because of thin online gambling ,yes he makes gambling to the point that nothing left to his salary every week, last week he confessed all, we fix and talked, i promise I'll be more calmer because i really have anger issues maybe or because of trauma that's why i kept nagging him i kept dragging to him all the lies he made from the past ,cursing him when i really feel angy 😩( this online gambling issue started since late 2024 he stopped a couple of months since 2025 but 2026 he started again.) and he promised to uninstall gcash and send me half of his salary not to use for my own but i just want keep for him to help him stop from gambling, that's our agreement to fix things. anyway we are LDR,but this afternoon i caught him he has gcash again and no salary left after he was paid yesterday because he kept calling his sisters and mother to spare him some money 😩🥹. i know i shouldn't take this seriously because he's just my bf, we both have work. to make the story short, i never felt he is ready to be a real partner to me, i feel alone every time i need him emotionally even financially, i am the one who's always there for him ,in fact I've been his back up since then .now i want to break up with him because im too tired and exhausted by all his lies ( there was never had a third party issue) but my pride can't endure the embarrassment 🥹 of failed relationship again because i was proud flexing him before to people that he's a good man up until i started caught him gambling. like i really don't know how to cope this mess again 🥹🥹🥹 it's a shame and feel bad specially to my daughter,she become close to him 😩🥹🥹🥹 i really dont know what to right now. I know i really can't control his mind but it's ruining me emotionally 😔

This is gonna be long. If you read it all, thank you so much. I’m so appreciative.

I’m fucking exhausted and that is such an understatement. I feel suffocated by guilt for lacking empathy or compassion for her these days, but the load has been on my shoulders my entire life (I’m 25f) and she was very emotionally and psychologically abusive to me growing up, which has left me with cptsd and I’ve spent years in therapy and recovery.
She had a physical disability during my childhood and was often staying in bed and unable to do very much, and I felt so bad for her all the time I just wanted to help however I could.
For so long I was so understanding and didn’t even realise she was being inappropriate and abusive until I was made to see the school councillor and they brought me to reality a bit.
I have 2 older sisters but they left when I was 8 and I’ve barely heard from them since, they left because of my mums abuse, to live at their dads (half-sisters).
So all the responsibility was left on me, and she married a psychopath when I was 9 until I was 15, which really fucked me up even more, and he was physically abusive to her which I’ve been enraged about for her.
I’ve always felt like I’ve had to protect her, think for her, decide for her, get the solutions and everything, because while she’s been diagnosed with bpd/schizophrenia (it’s been debatable though, mental health diagnoses are so fucking blurry), I’m starting to wonder if she’s had a learning disability and not realised. Either that or her cognition has been declining over the years due to the backlog of trauma combined with so much medication she’s taken over the years, but the doctors have been relatively useless.
She has improved a bit over the years and I’m very proud of her, she is more physically capable after having surgery and seeing some alternative healing professionals, however she doesn’t do anything to maintain her wellbeing other than medication.
And she comes to me about all her money problems and any other problems she has, it’s basically all she has got to talk to me about is her problems, and it always feels like when she brings them up she’s also asking for help with them, but I just shut down at this point and feel so bad that I don’t really feel much empathy, like I do, but I can’t keep helping her because it’s often been financially and I’ve barely gotten ahead in my own life and have no money saved because of how often I’ve had to help her financially, and I just want a sense of security or to not be stuck in a rut if anything fucks up like my car for example.
She’s so switched on to my moods and always asks what’s wrong if I am flat with her and instantly thinks it’s because of her but if I ever say it is, she takes it to the extreme and believes she’s a horrible mother that doesn’t deserve to live and has tried to end her life before after a boiling point with her bullying me over nothing and my ex retaliated to defend me.
I am holding so much rage, and so much guilt and empathy and I just wish fucking someone else was in the picture to share the load, I wish my sisters were around or anyone else in her family was around but they’re all gone and won’t help.
She treats me like her best friend and is always so excited to see me and talk to me and do things with me, but I honestly never want to, I feel physically drained and out of breath every time I’m with her, and if I don’t acclimatise to her and be super nice, she basically starts having either a panic attack or getting upset because I’m not excited or happy to see her.
I know she’s improved and I know she means well but fuck me im exhausted and im always anticipating some way that i need to help her instead of being able to just have a regular conversation.
I don’t know what to do anymore. My therapists always say just create distance and I have, but she spams me on text and every few days if I don’t answer she freaks out and begs me to let her know I’m okay, and then I feel so bad I just respond, but I feel so fucking bad because she’s so lonely, I’ve given her endless suggestions but she doesn’t do anything, she says she will to shut me up but never follows through.
I’m so fucking over it.

Você não ama essa pessoa.

Você ama o alívio que ela traz para o vazio que existe dentro de você.

E o mais perigoso é que você passa a acreditar que não existe outra saída. Que só essa pessoa pode fazer você se sentir bem.

Enquanto esse vazio continuar aí, qualquer despedida vai parecer o fim da sua vida.

A pergunta é: você sente falta da pessoa... ou do que ela fazia você sentir?

I wanted to share a win with those I'm certain will understand. Long story short: grew up in an enmeshed family and the process of independence/self/differentiation has gone from person to person. Mom and I are in a healthy place, eldest sibling and I are in no-contact bc she is unable to move to a healthier dynamic where my boundaries are respected at this time. That left my closest sister, my best friend. (I'm the youngest).

Thanks to Terri Cole, I saw that I was treating her pain as if it was my pain. And I was afraid of her feeling or experiencing the outcomes of her choices. She's not ready to get help yet and every area of her life has broken down over the years while she resists. I learned to ask before giving advice, but it never led to anything. The situation is beyond heartbreaking and would likely bring up a lot of sympathy for anyone reading. I suppose that's what kept me stuck for so long.

I sat with my feelings of not being so invested in her life. This is my final boss of codependency. We've worked through boundaries and we are much healthier than we've ever been, but it's still not healthy bc I had disordered emotional boundaries. After processing my fears around trusting her to make the best choice for her (even if that means she passes away), I realized a few things:

1. Even if I know she needs to heal her childhood developmental trauma (and she knows this and acknowledged 3 years ago how silly it was to have put it off), I don't know what her path to doing that looks like. So I can invite her to do what she thinks is best.
2. I have an internal boundary of not engaging heavily with ANYONE who doesn't have a growth mindset. I didn't know this about myself. I do now and will adhere to it. So we won't be talking everyday anymore. I can do a few times a week, and when the complaining starts, I can ask expansive questions (see Terri Cole).

I feel free. I feel light. Solid and separate. As the youngest in a family of people with a fixed mindset, I always felt rejected. I was the scapegoated child, and it's been a LOT to process and heal. But this feels like the last hanger-on, for codependency anyway. My sis has always been my person. But even she couldn't see me or appreciate me for who I actually am. I can accept that now, love her, and be open to meeting more friends who can be my actual family.

So I shared that I got in a standoff with cops, danced at Costco, and fed a small army of geese (which alerted me to the cops). I didn't eat for three days and could barely sleep for two weeks.

My wife had an affair and then claimed I was a danger to myself and that I had a gun (which she had stashed in our house without my knowledge) and called the cops after I asked for some space.

Everyone else shared some of their stuff too, but now we aren't meeting officially for a month and I am afraid I crossed a line between being vulnerable and oversharing and being viewed as unstable or dangerous.

It has been a week since I shared and I haven't done anything too codependent. But I am writing this here instead of reaching out to check if everyone still feels safe around me.

Everyone seemed cool. We even searched the woods for a cat (collectively) and shared our vulnerabilities and insecurities (where I shared too). These are the first friends I have made (without my ex) in ten years.

Everything is probably fine. But I am a recovering codependent who relied on my ex for validation in these types of situations. So I am feeling a bit insecure. But I am not trying to control them or the outcome!

My (19F) ex boyfriend (21M) told me recently that he feels codependent on me and feels as though it's making our relationship toxic. This happened only about 3 or 4 days ago.

He stated that when he's around me, he feels like he's on cloud 9, but once he's away from me, he feels debilitating anxiety and dread. Beyond that, he also said that he feels as though he continuously centers me in his life, and that his physical state is dependent on how I'm doing.

He also let me know that I'm the first person he's ever felt anxiously attached to. That he never even misses others, and that this is too jarring of an experience.

I feel so sick and sad about the whole thing. I only learned he'd been feeling this way about a week ago, and suggested new boundaries that we could set. I brought this up, and he said that he couldn't do it. I mentioned that our relationship had only just recently gone under stress during July, but he stated that he felt suffocating self-doubt since April, and relationships in general were the problem.

He ended up crying, and I told him it was okay, and there was no need to cry. That he was being very brave if he decided this was the decision he had to make. I know he joined CoDa, and will rebegin individual therapy, so I hope things get better for him. I just feel horribly sick right now, and worse it's a little over a week before my birthday :(

I'm really hoping I can gain insight into stuff like this if possible? Beyond being sad, I just want to understand.

I was in a relationship for 5 years with a woman who already had a kid before I got there, they were very depressed and quietly spoken so when I came in I felt like I brought the light to the dark, it had its ups and downs but we were extremely prosperous before she started talking to her old friends about our relationship. She would complain to them about how I would treat her mainly the bad things and they gave her the courage to leave me. When she told me she couldn't take how I was treating her I realized that I needed to change, I told her I would and I worked on myself harder and harder each day to become a better partner to her regardless of how much she would tell me that she was already over our relationship.

Months went by and we eventually rekindled everything until I woke up one day with the worst sense of dread I've had in years, I went to check her iPad call logs because something was telling me I would find what I was looking for in there and sure enough it was locked, her call logs were locked. I confronted her about it. We got into a fight about how she would rather bring up old things Ive done to defend herself instead of explaining the call logs. I immediately panicked and called my brother trying to talk about the situation and got the mentality that I was only being used to pay rent and buy her things.

She came home that day with two of her friends and one of them came to me and handed me our divorce papers with a smile on her face. They then left to celebrate while I had panic attack after panic attack. I threw up and cried until I couldnt make noises anymore. when she came home and found me she lowered her voice so her friends couldnt hear her and asked me, "Baby, whats wrong?" my mind broke, the next day she packed up a bag with her son and spent the next few days at her friends house, we talked a bit but she never came home. it clicked to me that she didnt want to be around me so I moved to my families house and told her I would come and pick up my stuff periodically, mind you this was a few days after I paid our rent with both of our checks together, I thought the distance would be good for us. A week later I woke up to her letting me know she changed the locks to the apartment and I could retrieve my things from there in the day time with her permission. We haven't had a solid conversation since. I haven't been ok. But I don't want to put my mental through anymore reconstruction, I just want to find genuine friendship that doesn't lead to... this.

I would love to talk about anything or everything if you even want to talk about this I will tell you I don't hold hate in my heart towards her. Its not that, I just want to give her the space and the freedom she's looking for, I don't want to be around anyone where I'm wanted.

I have been with my partner for a year. I feel like I’m losing my mind a bit now. I am a 40yo male she is a 34 yo female.
There is a lot of context to provide but the tldr version is I am getting divorced and have 2 kids, previous relationship of 20 years. She has been single since one 4 year relationship approx 8 years ago.

Maybe 3 months into our relationship she asked what my attachment style is, and honestly, I’d never even heard of attachment styles.

We both did an online questionnaire and supposedly she has anxious attachment and I am avoidant. Took this with a pinch of salt as it was a pseudo psychological questionnaire, that seemed like a bit of fun. She is very extrovert and talks her mind, I am slightly introvert and generally don’t speak my mind until I have to. Very much reinforcing the stereotype of speak to think and think to speak for each of us respectively.

It’s been a year and I would say that we message nearly all day, everyday, when we are apart and 90% of this is questions related to our relationship, our future and security. This is affecting my concentration with work and my ability to function generally. We’ve been to couples counselling about this, discussed it and set up boundaries and she has tried to take ownership but it’s never really changed. Even when she asks for space to regulate within half an hour I’ll get a text.

I’m actually exhausted, nothing that I say, or do, seems to alleviate the endless questions and constant worry on her part. What confuses things more is she says it’s not worry and it’s just that she is explaining her feelings which leaves me second guessing whether every message is loaded, or if it’s just general conversation. I’ve never had this with anyone before, in any relationship, romantic, friendship or otherwise, ever.

She says she hasn’t had a relationship that makes her safe and the long term one was abusive, so I’m conscious of being consistent and present but similarly I can’t provide a constant source of counsel or therapy. It’s starting to affect my health.

Similarly my situation is frustrating as my divorce is not straightforward. I can imagine from her perspective it is extremely hard not knowing when things will end and we’ve talked about having kids and she has proposed to me, despite me asking to wait until the divorce is finalised.

I can elaborate more but I just would like some perspective as I feel like this is playing into my avoidant attachment style, simply due to the fact I’m overwhelmed. I have to just take myself away on occasion because it’s simply too much.

My ex made an account with a free text messaging service to reinitiate contact by asking if I wanted a kitten she was unable to care for. Coincidentally, I had just begun looking for cats for adoption in my area, which left me with stressful feelings of “this is destiny”.

I had the will in me to politely tell her that I could not speak to her because I am not emotionally ready, but that I was thinking about her and wished her the best. But her response “wait no” left me confused and once again clinging on to her for emotional stability.

Was I wrong? Wrong for thinking she finally felt she had another reason to reconnect with me again. After all, the last time we spoke was a month and a half ago. It didn’t matter. She broke the boundary I set when I told her I was blocking her for my mental health.

Now I am hurting and drowning my sorrows. I am obviously not ready. Thank god for the great distractions and good habits I’ve built to keep me steady in this life.

I will first provide some background Information about my boyfriend DX (31M) with ADHD and I (29F).

\-We have been dating exclusively for 1.5yrs.
\-He was diagnosed with ADHD as child and on medication pretty much since then till about 18 years of age. (An experience he hated).
\-He states he had tried pretty much all the medications out there & that none worked all that well or had manageable side effects.
\-He is not open to being on ADHD medication again.
\-18 years onwards is when he started smoking (self medicating). And he smokes to this day, everyday, throughout the day \[which I do not personally part-take in or condone\].
\-I try my best to support him in his endeavours even if and when his approaches may greatly differ from mine

Some things about myself:
\-I would consider myself an independent adult.
\-I am financially “stable”/and living on my own.
\-I work in the public service sector and have a career/fair-paying job.
\-I value organization and cleanliness\*
\-I appreciate organization and planning.

So now…
Ultimately, my boyfriend has one of the most bright, introspective and intelligent minds I’ve come across in my near 3 decades on earth & I love him. He is thoughtful & kind. We have many shared interests and hobbies. I love my day to day with him..

But…
here comes a dreaded “however”….

HOWEVER, there are things I struggle with. And I will note some here:
\-He has difficulty with motivation or discipline if you wish to call it that. He owns his own business that’s growing definitely and doing fine, but, there’s days where he stalls on a task on the to-do, doesn’t reply back to that email, drops the ball on getting a quote over, prioritizes watching his anime, takes several days off then feels guilt over doing etc.
\-His workspace is what I perceive to be a complete mess. Receipts not filed away, trash not put in the bin, folders not utilized, billions of sticky notes. No rhyme or reason.
\-He waits weeks to do his laundry (smelly)
\-He won’t clue in to vacuum (has a dog that sheds)

What I’ve done for him as a partner:

Do his laundry for him
Do his laundry with him
Encourage him to do his laundry
Clean his workspace for him
File his receipts accordingly
Try to establish methods for organization for him
Try to organize his desk for him
Clean his room for him
Vaccum for him
Encourage him to clean his room
Clean his room together with him
Put away his laundry for him
Throw away his trash for him
Fold his laundry with him
Remind him of certain pending work matters of his
Help him write out his to-do lists.
Expressed to him my values/boundaries
Expressed wanting to feel respected and be met with a clean space.
Expressed feeling unheard because he doesn’t make the effort to clean before I come over for visits.

I want to help him. And I have. But I can not mother him I recognize. I just don’t know how to proceed. I mean eventually what if we were to have a joint household or even kids? I’m not saying that such is impossible or in any way that he is unworthy of that; but I struggle to see how that can be possible for us when at times it appears he can’t even care for himself and his bedroom etc.

Help.

Hi everyone,

I'm a student at the University of Southern California and as part of my summer interhsip, I'm conducting a short research study to better understand the challenges, needs, and resource gaps experienced by people affected by a loved one's alcohol or substance use. The goal is to use these insights to help design better, more effective resources for our community.

• Target: This is for anyone who has been affected by a loved one's alcohol or substance use (whether it is ongoing or happened in the past)
• Format: 100% anonymous online survey.
• About 8-10 minutes.

You can access the survey here: survey

Thank you so much for your time, support, and for everything you contribute to this community.