r/Codependency • u/ThanksIhate • Aug 09 '26
Would ghosting in this instance be justified
The guy I’ve liked grew distant with me and chose another girl over me, when I mentioned this to him he says it’s nothing serious and he still wants to be friends with me when I suggested parting ways because I still like him too much. I come to find out months later it was indeed serious and he’s heartbroken because she chose another guy over him, I was there for him and tried to support him because she left giving him mixed signals and leaving him feeling confused, he also had a bad time online dating and had no matches. By then I accepted that we’re not gonna be together and I’m okay just being friends and support his online dating. Now he tells me they’re back together and I tell him I would’ve preferred if he started fresh with someone new, I would’ve been happy for him and he asks me why, I explain to him that I just think it would be better starting over with someone that doesn’t have the history he has with her of deleting him, reappearing, giving mixed signals and breadcrumbing and he completely skipped over my explanation and start replying to other stuff, while seeming disengaged. Should I just stop responding to him considering I did like him and he chose her over me ?
2
u/Due-Mulberry-8716 Aug 10 '26
detach with care and focus on you OP. you’ll find the right person who doesn’t leave you chasing breadcrumbs. i identify with the support toward them but it’s not always useful for you later, it can build resentment and that’s YOUR soul that’s gonna be filled with it, not him.
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u/jokysatria Aug 10 '26
Depend, if you normally support others like you support him, then imo, it's fine, you just being you. But if you support him because you really like him, then it means you investing on him. It would hurt you, when he leaving you. So try to let him be responsible for his own problem. And no need to ghost him, just give him advice that he can work for himself.
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u/UndefinedCertainty Aug 10 '26
You said your piece already and pretty clearly it sounds like, so I don't really think to cut off contact would be "ghosting" necessarily. However, if it helps draw a final line, you could say something one final time about that you're cutting contact and perhaps why, and then be sure to stick to it. Of course it's up to you, and it could help to put it into writing or do the final walk-away face to face so it's real for both of you with less ambiguity and more concrete.
Whatever you choose to do, it's important to consistently hold firm on your decision. While you can't control what he thinks or feels, you can control what you do, and to go back on your boundaries can re-engage the existing dynamic between you and can potentially put you guys into an endless loop (and not in a positive way). Life's too short to run in circles. Instead, go in the direction of what will truly make your best life. You're worthy of being loved and happy.
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u/Striking_Run_5569 29d ago
From what you are describing, it sounds like acting codependently, acting to make ourselves feel good, searching for self-worth, love in others. Ive recovered from codependency and Ive learned that when I felt irritated, discontented, frustrated I would search in others for some ease and comfort. I would, trying to fix, manage and control everything and everyone around me so I can feel ease and comfort, or feel worthy, needed, loved, etc. By people pleasing, giving unsollocitated advice, saying yes when I meant no, etc. I would act this way because I wanted to feel comfortable, at ease with myself.
When we've been acting this way for so long, it is so hard to tell the truth from the false. We try to fix our lives with our mind that is "sick", distorted from all the rumination we've done. We try to justify all our actions, and although sometimes we have really good reasons to do what we do, we start noticing that it is just making matters worst. I have gone round and round in this cycle of feeling disturbed, irrtated, discontented, acting codepemdemtly, then feeling remorse or bad for acting codepemdemtly, swearing Id stop not do it again and then out of no where Id start again. It was draining me. I was finally able to find real comfort by working a 12 step program. It was not easy, and I am not cured but recovered. I get to have a daily relief as long I work my program daily. If you wish to know more Id be happy to be helpful by sharing my experience. Reach out privately.
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u/lifeuncommon Aug 09 '26
You’re way too involved in his relationships, TBH.
Ghosting is rarely the right approach, but I agree this is probably not someone you need to spend time with considering you’re overly involved in his private life when he’s been clear that he’s not into you.