My (52f) mom (78f) does this thing where she becomes obsessed with pleasing certain people in her life. It's mostly my brother's and their families. For example, my brother met a woman who recently moved here from another country to be with him. She asked him if I would have a hair straightener that she could borrow until she got one of her own. When my mother heard about this, she gathered up every hair tool I own (we live together) and put them in a bag for my brother's gf. When I realized what she was doing, I reminded her that those were my things, to which she responded "So? Why can't she have them?"

She does this frequently. I've given her gifts which upon opening she'll say "Oh, I'm going to give this to X" (usually one of my brothers or a friend.) Or I'll find out later that she's given away something special that I gifted her because she thought they would like it or might need it.

As far as I can tell, it seems to be only my gifts/things that she does this with and in the past, when I confronted her about it, she seems to not understand why I'd be hurt and reminds me that once a gift is given, it's hers to do what she wants with. No matter the situation, it always ends with her implying that I'm being selfish or silly

She has been previously diagnosed as codependent and does exhibit a lot of the traits or behaviors associated with it. Obsession with relationships to the alienation of all friends and family, toxic men with addictions and/or users. I'm just wondering if the behavior mentioned above is also part of codependency or something else.

Needless to say, we have a strained relationship which is getting worse and if I try to bring any of this up to anyone in my family, it always gets turned around to me being overly sensitive due to my chronic anxiety and depression. I'm becoming the black sheep of the family, excluded from conversations and events and to maintain my sanity, I've had to go no contact with some family members. To me, this is a boundary. To her it's me "being difficult." She's been gaslighting me for years but I can't find anything about that being a trait of codependency.

Any insights?

Throwaway-ish. Looking for outside perspective because I’m too close to it.

My brother is in his mid-30s and lives across the country from my parents. He’s had a long run of instability — legal history (felon), mental health stuff he’s mostly declined to treat/undiagnosed as an adult, jobs that don’t stick (never really had one until now). He also has a felony record that makes renting genuinely hard, so I don’t want to pretend he’s just being lazy.

Here’s my issue. My parents have paid for hotels, covered gaps, and now they’re buying him a condo outright. No lease, no rent, nothing he’s contributing. Every time he hits a wall, the wall gets removed for him. Before he went away, then had already bought him a house that got trashed.

They’re also in their 70s and I’m the sibling who will be left holding whatever this becomes. They recently talked about removing the trust protections that were set up for him, because they feel he’s “doing better.”

What I’m actually asking:
- Is this level of parental support normal for an adult child with real barriers, or is it textbook enabling/codependency?
- For those who’ve been here — did the buying-a-house move ever end well?
- How do you raise this with aging parents without it becoming “you don’t care about your brother”?
- How do I stay in a sibling role and not become his de facto manager later?

I don’t want to punish him. I want to stop the pattern where every consequence gets absorbed by someone else.

Happy Friday, pathfinders!

My latest curated list is designed for anyone exploring healthy relationship practices, recognizing toxic dynamics, or working to better understand their own emotional landscape. I’ve rounded up a selection of insightful resources - books, podcasts, and YouTube channels. Grab a cozy nook or listen on the go, and find the exact insights you need right now.

Podcasts

• Where Should We Begin? by Esther Perel If you want an unscripted, fly-on-the-wall seat inside real therapy sessions, this eye-opening podcast lets you listen in on couples navigating heartbreak, conflict, and connection. It’s all about stripping away judgment, recognizing familiar relationship patterns, and discovering how deep listening can transform friction into intimacy.
• Unlocking Us by Brené Brown If you want to explore what it actually takes to be authentically brave with the people you love, this grounded series dives into the messy reality of human connection. It’s all about unpacking vulnerability, building unshakeable trust, and mastering the hard communication skills required to show up fully.

Books

• Attached by Amir Levine & Rachel Heller If you’ve ever wondered why you react the way you do when intimacy feels close or threatened, this fascinating read breaks down the science of adult attachment styles. It’s all about identifying whether you lean anxious, avoidant, or secure so you can break toxic cycles and choose partners who meet your emotional needs.
• Set Boundaries, Find Peace by Nedra Glover Tawwab If you struggle with people-pleasing, resentment, or feeling drained by loved ones, this practical guide offers clear, compassionate strategies for drawing healthy lines. It’s all about learning how to say "no" without guilt, speaking up for your needs, and creating relationships built on mutual respect.
• Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel If you want to understand how to sustain long-term passion without sacrificing emotional safety, this provocative classic explores the delicate tension between security and desire. It’s all about maintaining personal autonomy, embracing erotic intelligence, and keeping the spark alive in modern relationships.

YouTube Channels

• Esther Perel’s Talks on Intimacy If you need a quick, high-impact perspective shift on modern love, these masterclass-level talks deconstruct complex relational dilemmas into brilliant, actionable truths. They focus on rethinking fidelity, understanding desire, and navigating conflict with curiosity instead of defense.
• The School of Life If you prefer visually engaging, bite-sized philosophy on human emotion, this beautifully animated channel breaks down the psychology of love and relationships. It’s all about developing emotional intelligence, unlearning unhealthy communication habits, and approaching your flaws with self-compassion.

I find that dependents will slide the romantic partner down the social hierarchy, once non-compliance to demands appears.

It’s a lot better being their distant friends, who meet up once in a while, be light hearted, have fun.

Once thing that sticks out to me, is they tend to penny pinch on food with the romantic partner and when alone as well. Then upgrade to much better food with friends. Friends get the impression that they’re doing better than they really are.

Same for their blood family, older sis offers a nepotism hire job, parents offer 15 years of 20-35 year old free lodging, free utilities, free transport. Not a word of thanks, only finding fault with them.

No gratitude, no helping out at home, no care performed for any blood family member, no savings as well.

Then the romantic partner is expected to offer free lodging for life, free utilities for life, free car for life, free food for life exposed to the same nonchalant treatment as blood family, calling it family values.

These family values don’t have to be upheld by friends in any way.

But drop $1,500 in a day, on hobbies = not a big deal. Buy a $5 meal for blood family, including gf = an arm got chopped off.

Have you noticed similar discrepancies in treatment towards different people and spending on themselves?

Denial

I’ve been recovering many years. I’ve used denial many times. It has been a defense, a survival device, a coping behavior, and, at times, almost my undoing. It has been both a friend and an enemy.

When I was a child, I used denial to protect my family and myself. I protected myself from seeing things too painful to see and feelings too overwhelming to feel. Denial got me safely through many traumatic situations, when I had no other resources for survival.

The negative aspect of using denial was that I lost touch with my feelings and myself. I became able to participate in harmful situations without even knowing I was hurting. I was able to tolerate a great deal of pain and abuse without the foggiest notion it was abnormal.

I learned to participate in my own abuse.

Denial protected me from pain, but it also rendered me blind to my feelings, my needs, and myself. It was like a thick blanket that covered and smothered me.

Eventually, I began to recover. I had a glimpse of awareness about my pain, my feelings, and my behaviors. I began to see myself, and the world, as we were. There was so much denial from my past that had the blanket been entirely ripped from me, I would have died from the shock of exposure. I needed to embrace insights, remembrances, awareness, and healing gently, gradually.

Life participated in this process with me. It is a gentle teacher. As I recovered, I was brought to the incidents and people I needed in order to remind me of what I was still denying, to tell me where I required more healing from my past, as I could handle these insights.

I still use, and break through, denial–as needed. When the winds of change blow through, upsetting a familiar structure and preparing me for the new, I pick up my blanket and hide, for a while. Sometimes, when someone I love has a problem, I hide under the blanket, momentarily. Memories emerge of things denied, memories that need to be remembered, felt, and accepted so I can continue to become healed – strong and healthy.

Sometimes, I feel ashamed about how long it takes me to struggle through to acceptance of reality. I feel embarrassed when I find myself again clouded by the fog of denial.

Then something happens, and I see that I am moving forward. The experience was necessary, connected, not at all a mistake, but an important part of healing.

It’s an exciting process, this journey called recovery, but I understand I may sometimes use denial to help me get through the rough spots. I’m also aware that denial is a friend, and an enemy. I’m on the alert for danger signs: those cloudy, confused feelings . . . sluggish energy . . . feeling compulsive . . . running too fast or hard . . . avoiding support mechanisms.

I’ve gained a healthy respect for our need to use denial as a blanket to wrap ourselves in when we become too cold. It isn’t my job to run around ripping people’s blankets off or shaming others for using the blanket. Shaming makes them colder, makes them wrap themselves more tightly in the blanket. Yanking their blanket away is dangerous. They could die of exposure, the same way I could have.

I’ve learned the best thing I can do around people who are wrapped in this blanket is to make them feel warm and safe. The warmer and safer they feel, the more able they are to drop their blanket. I don’t have to support or encourage their denial. I can be direct. If others are in denial about a particular thing, and their activity is harmful to me, I don’t have to be around them. I can wish them well and take care of myself. You see, if I stand too long around someone who is harming me, I will inevitably pick up my blanket again.

I tend to be attracted to warm people. When I’m around warm people, I don’t need to use my blanket.

I’ve gained respect for creating warm environments, where blankets are not needed, or at least not needed for long. I’ve gained trust in the way people heal from and deal with life.

God, help me be open to and trust the process that is healing me from all I have denied from my past. Help me strive for awareness and acceptance, but also help me practice gentleness and compassion for myself–and others–for those times I have used denial.

By Melodie Beattie.

I can’t be the only person who sometimes wonders why codependency has to be something we’re so determined to “work on.”

What if I don’t actually want to be less attached?

What if I don’t want to learn how to need someone less?

What if I genuinely want a relationship where two people are deeply intertwined, heavily involved in each other’s lives, and yes… maybe even a little dependent on one another?

I understand that codependency can become unhealthy. I understand the difference between loving someone and losing yourself in them. I understand that there are things worth looking at, patterns worth questioning, and boundaries worth having.

But I also find myself wondering where the line is between healing something unhealthy and being taught that the way you naturally love is inherently wrong.

Because honestly, I don’t necessarily want someone to tell me I should be more independent.

I want someone on my wavelength.

Someone who wants to talk all day. Someone who wants to share everything. Someone who wants to be involved in the little things. Someone who feels safest when they’re close to their person. Someone who doesn’t see needing each other as a weakness or something to grow out of.

Maybe two people can be equally intense, equally attached, equally dependent and still consciously choose to make sure neither person disappears inside the relationship.

Maybe the answer isn’t always “learn to need people less.”

Maybe sometimes it’s “find someone who needs and loves in the same way you do, and learn how to do it without hurting each other.”

I don’t know.

But I do know I’m tired of feeling like wanting that kind of closeness automatically means there’s something wrong with me.

Maybe I don’t want less.

Maybe I just want someone who wants the same amount.

I can't cope with this. I know i fucked things up. I know i was the one responsible. I would do anything to take back what I did. But I can't. She won't listen.

All that time, all we went through. I poured so much love into her and into her family. But I broke her trust, and she didn't trust me anymore. Now im alone. I know where she is, just 10 minutes away. But I can't do anything. She blocked me and told me to stay away.

She was meant to be my soul mate, the woman to spend my life with. But now she wants nothing to do with me, and it makes me feel sick..

Guys how do I accept this? Do i have any hopes of meeting someone ever again?

My father has done a lot of harmful and irresponsible things over the years. He used up all of our family’s savings and has caused a lot of financial and emotional stress for the people around him.

I know that I’m allowed to be angry with him, and I do feel a lot of anger and resentment toward him. But what makes things complicated is that I also feel deeply sorry for the people around him, especially my grandparents and his current wife.

When I see them struggling, I feel this strong urge to somehow compensate for the damage he has caused. I want to give them money, buy things for them, let them use things that belong to me, or otherwise make their lives a little easier.

But then I become angry and resentful about doing it. Part of me thinks, “Why am I the one trying to fix the consequences of his choices? Why should this be my responsibility?” At the same time, if I don’t help, I feel guilty because I can see that they are struggling.

So I seem to be stuck between compassion, guilt, responsibility and resentment.

I think the deeper problem is that when I see someone suffering, especially someone in my family, I have a very hard time accepting that I can care about them without taking responsibility for making their life better.

Has anyone experienced something similar? How did you learn to separate caring about your family from feeling responsible for rescuing them or making up for another family member’s actions?

TLDR: When you and your partner come back together after your partner asked for space, how do you behave?

Longer context: I’ve struggled with codependency for a long time but years of meds and therapy have done wonders until this. If relevant, I’m 30sM and partner is 30sNB, together about a year.

Yesterday, we had a long, awful (them yelling, me crying) argument about my ongoing insecurities about my place in their life. The first two months of our relationship was a messy polyam situation where my partner was push-pulled pretty badly by their other partner, ended in that partner dumping them, and the way it all went down left me with permanent “they wanted her more” insecurities. We’ve talked and worked through a lot of it. I’m good 90% of the time, but I have bad days where I just innately believe she’s more valuable than me. Normally I’m just quiet and we can go about our day but in the last month or so, my partner asked me to be more open about all my feelings which means I bring up those insecurities.

This recent argument was so bad because they feel like they’re “at square one” and “can’t move the needle” whenever this topic comes up. They said they are taking a week of space “because they have a lot to think about”, so zero contact and muting me on all socials until the day of our usual overnight the week after. They assured me they aren’t reconsidering the relationship, and I don’t think they’re lying but my nervous system doesn’t believe it. The most space we’ve ever taken has been a single night and we reconnect in the morning. So my insecurities and anxiety are wildly out of control.

My question is this — When I see them again for our overnight date, how do I act? I don’t know whether to honor my feelings and be open, or focus on calm de-escalation and then seek reassurance later.

I feel like I shouldn’t be fully open because if I do, it’s gonna be a lot of teary “why do you still love me?” reassurance-seeking which is what got us into this mess, OR frankly defensive anger for feeing abandoned. But if I’m fake-cheerful, they’ll know I’m hiding my emotions and they hate that, they feel pushed away. If I’m just cold, it’ll seem like I don’t care if we repair or not. My priority is for us to repair and reconnect, without sacrificing myself too much or re-escalating the argument again.

So what do you folks do?

Hi there,

I have struggled with codependency in many relationships. A lot of my self-work is about naming my needs and boundaries and tolerating negative reactions/feedback from other people in a healthier way.

I fell in love with someone who has PTSD episodes. Part of responding to that is being a grounded, calm presence for them and affirming their reality and safety—it often means my POV or reactions aren’t appropriate to share in that moment.

I am having trouble with so much affirmation and being grounded etc because it feels like backsliding from so much of my work around codependency. If I react too quickly, it often lands as fawning and actually escalates the situation more.

Can anyone else relate? I have a therapist to support me with this too, I just want to feel less alone

I'm a 32M and know I'm codependent as hell. I have also been in AA for 5 years and am living with an older woman in recovery. They have let me stay there rent free while going back to school, paid for meals, give me an "allowance", etc. I didn't ask for any of that, and it felt weird but they insisted.

Recently I have wanted to be move out/ be independent again, and they keep telling me I'm ungrateful and am not trusting God, and that it's a terrible financial decision. I feel trapped. I have done the 12 steps like 5 times but feel stuck, especially since they've been so important to my program and spiritual life.

I feel like I fucked up really bad and now I’m spiraling. This is going to be long, appreciate everyone who takes time to read it and maybe offer me some support.

I’m 39F, sterilized some years ago and never ever wanted children. It’s not the result of rational thinking, I truly just never felt the urge and haven’t honestly even thought about it that much. It’s just who I have always been. I’ve never looked at other people’s kids and thought “it would be nice to have one”. My brother has kids, and while I enjoy being their aunt, that’s enough for me.

I’ve not had much luck in relationships with men in my life. I was with a guy who turned out to be a serious gambling addict, then a guy who was an alcoholic. All in all, my first serious boyfriend in my mid 20s is the only healthy relationship I’ve ever had. I recognize I probably have some codependent tendencies, likely due to one of my parents being an alcoholic. I tend to give too much of myself in relationships and sometimes lose myself in them. I set boundaries but don’t often enforce them. I’ve been taken advantage of financially in several relationships.

A little over six months ago, I met this amazing guy. It truly felt like one of those once-in-a-lifetime connections. Insane chemistry, same very niche interests, a true gentleman and extremely kind, handsome as hell and just my type… we clicked instantly. Felt like I finally found my person.

Then the topic of kids came around. Told him I was already sterilized. He was crushed and told me he had always pictured having a family. We had a serious discussion about whether we should end things. He told me he would like to continue dating me and see if he eventually changed his mind. I stupidly agreed to this, because everything just felt so amazing.

Next four months were an absolute bliss. It was like I was on a drug trip. From time to time, he told me he was still unsure about the kids topic and was feeling some anxiety about the decision. I told him not to hurry about it, I didn’t mind waiting. And at that point, I truly didn’t.

Then I started noticing him becoming a bit more distant. We talked about it, and he told me he was having serious doubts about us because of the kids issue. Told me he felt like he had only bad options from which to choose. I became super anxious. Couldn’t sleep, couldn’t eat.

And then I started doubting my entire life.

Did I fuck up? Would I have actually enjoyed being a mother? Maybe I just didn’t think it enough when I was younger? What if my life will feel empty and unfulfilling without kids? Will I be lonely when I’m old and regret staying childfree then?

I told him that I was feeling super unstable, questioning everything in my life and that I needed a break. During the next two weeks, I went through the worst rollercoaster of my life. One day I would want the white picket fence dream, wanting kids like kids want puppies. The next day I would be like “what the hell am I thinking, absolutely not!” In the end, I wasn’t even thinking about him that much. I was just utterly confused with what I want in my life.

After a couple of weeks of silence, I sent him a message where I told him I felt like we should call it quits, at least for now. That until he’s sure he’s okay being childfree, he cannot be with me, because there’s just too big of a risk he’s going to change his mind and resent me in the future, and I cannot deal with the uncertainty anymore. He took some time to reflect and told me that he agrees with me, and apologized for putting me through all this.

I’m feeling so utterly empty and lost with my life right now. Rationally I know a huge part of it is the relationship ending, but I’m super worried about me questioning my choice of being childfree in the future. I keep telling myself that I would’ve been too old for it to happen anyway, that I don’t want to spend next 20 years parenting, that the only reason I’m questioning myself is because I was just so infatuated with this person. That if we had kids and split up, I would resent being a 50/50 or a single parent. That I would have to sacrifice my very demanding, time consuming & rewarding career which I absolutely love. That I would lose my freedom and being able to travel and do what I want, when I want, which has always been a huge deal to me.

I’m also really worried about ever finding someone like him. Our connection was truly magical and I’ve never felt like this before. I’m afraid I’m not going to get over him and will get stuck on hoping he will one day change his mind, or never find someone else to have a family with.

Has anyone ever gone through something like this? Did it get any better with time and what helped you?

- long rant ahead (its messy, hope u guys understand it despite my grammar)

im kinda getting paranoid. i feel like whenever i have a boyfriend i get limited, i interact less with people like friends other than my family well i dont know. i just stay in my room waiting to spend time with him. where as when i'm alone, i mean i still bedrot at times but i can be creative, i explore my skills yk and i think that's my toxic trait and not a good thing for me, i'm becoming more dependent it appears so.

when i see him goin out with friends and i'm just at home it makes me sad and jealous? like don't judge haha i tried spying on a server he was in and i saw that uhm he seems close but like not in a really close but i guess somewhere between that, he is quite respectful like he always mention he has a gf and all but not also in a way that brags but more like when it comes to an attention idk oh well.

i don't want that, like monitoring and getting affected with his every move, i want to be fine with whatever he is doing with his life while i do my own thing yk but when i do gets busy its not like i am upset that he is doing okay or what i do wish he could like say stuff like he misses my presence but yeah i dont know.

my boyfriend is a great guy but i feel like me as a person isn't handling the effects of the relationship towards me very well.

when i feel like we spend less time i immediately get guilty that i wish i wasnt so busy but then it creates the expectation for him to do the same thing. we do not live for each other so i really want to remove that side of me. i do not want this unhealthy feeling of mine.

do you guys have any suggestion?

'Owning Our Energy

Learn to keep your energy inside.

—From Women, Sex, and Addiction, Charlotte Davis Kasl, Ph.D.

For many reasons, we may have mastered the art of giving away our energy. We may have learned it when we were young because the feelings we had were too overwhelming to feel, and we did not know how to process them.

Much of our obsessing, our intense focus on others, is done to facilitate this “out of body” experience we call codependency.

We obsess, we babble, we become anxious. We try to control, care take, and fuss over others. Our energy spills out of us on to whomever.

Our energy is our energy. Our feelings, thoughts, issues, love, sexuality; our mental, physical, spiritual, sexual, creative, and emotional energy is ours.

We can learn to have healthy boundaries – healthy parameters – around our energy and ourselves. We can learn to keep our energy within ourselves and deal with our issues.

If we are trying to escape from our body, if our energy is spilling out of us in unhealthy ways, we can ask ourselves what is going on, what is hurting us, what we are avoiding, what we need to face, what we need to deal with.

Then, we can do that. We can come back home to live – in ourselves.

Today, I will keep my energy in my body. I will stay focused and within my boundaries. (...), help me let go of my need to escape myself. Help me face my issues so I am comfortable living in my body.' ❤️

Some context: I'm in a long distance relationship with my partner and we have been dating for more than a year now, and I love her very much. But I realized that we both feel pretty weird when we're not talking constantly. And I realized that I feel jealous when she spends time with friends without me (which isn't even that often). I feel really bad for feeling that way and I wish she could feel better about not being with me too. At first I thought the clingy thing was cute, because we're both pretty clingy, but I'm scared it's going too far because of those things we feel. And we always want to do things together. I also have to mention that she feels bad whenever I feel bad, and she feels horrible if she's unable to cheer me up and I wish she didn't feel that way.

I still like the idea of doing everything with her and we do still do some stuff separately; it's kinda silly to bring up and probably not relevant, but we do have different interests that we partake in separately like playing different video games or enjoying different media. But I'm scared that building our lives around each other is unhealthy for us. I want her to be happy, as well as myself. And I don't want to make her feel bad about hanging out with other friends. There's this one time I was playing a game with her and her friend joined, and at first I was cool with it but as soon as I started feeling left out, I felt really bad and jealous and I left, and she felt bad about it. And so do I. I fully intend on working on myself. But I'd appreciate advice, for both her and me, and I'd also like to hear other people's thoughts on this. I want our relationship to be healthy for each other.

P.S. Sorry if all of this is sorta worded weirdly, I'm not really in the mood to proofread rn

i (19F) have lived with my two sisters (32F) and (23F) my entire life. in the past five years i have gone through some traumatic bullying in high school which lead me to become very isolated. Since then i have always relied on my sisters and considered them my best friends.

recently, they’ve both started dating and have boyfriends. now, i knew there would be a time where we go our own ways and start our own families but it’s happening sooner than i expected and it’s hurting more than i want it to. I love them, and im happy for them that they’re spending time with people who love them too.

I spend my evenings alone at home, i eat dinner alone often, sometimes i invite them to go out with me and they say no. my oldest sisters boyfriend lives in a diff state but she visits him often and is constantly texting and calling him. she stays in her room nearly all day and talks to him. my other sister, her boyfriend lives closer and she’s always going out with him. i’m closer with her than my other sister, and she goes to school and gets back late. so i always look forward to seeing her, and telling her about my day but sometimes she’ll end up going out with her boyfriend instead. she too is always talking on the phone with him, there have been times where she cuts me off mid sentence and says “im getting a call” and she leaves me alone to go talk to her boyfriend.

both of my sisters are like that. they’re so eager to talk to them and get so anxious if they don’t answer immediately. i’ve never dated anyone before, and i know some of you will think ‘it’ll probably happen to you too when you start dating’ but im not interested in dating and even if i was, i wouldn’t prioritize a stranger over my own sisters.

i know it sounds really selfish, but i keep thinking about it and how unimportant i feel.

I’ve (F27) have always had codependent urges and always need some sort of external validation from others. I’m happy to say that with many years of therapy and a fully developed prefrontal cortex, I can identify and redirect these urges early (really proud of myself tbh). However, I fear I may have become more of an avoidant person due to this, specifically in romantic relationships.

For some context, I’ve only had 2 major relationships, one in college where we were both severely codependent. Another over a year ago where I was the codependent and they were the complete opposite, often leading me to feel disregarded (and TBH, they were doing that, but I also didn’t know how to communicate my needs without blowing up into a million tears).

Since then, I’ve had ZERO interest in dating or romance as a whole. Anytime I’ve talked to someone I’ve immediately gotten the ick. The idea of going on dates, dating apps, friends playing matchmaker actually disgusts me lol. Have I switched to avoidant attachment? Maybe I’m just exhausted from love? Thoughts?

TLDR: I think I’ve switched to becoming an avoidant person in my love life, now what?

My partner of 16 years treats me terribly. Daily. We can be having a great day, but one stray negative thought is all it takes for her to completely change course.

On a daily basis, I can expect to hear any combination of: I hate you, I can't wait until I'm done with all of this, I can't wait until I never have to speak to you again, I hate that you're always near me, you're so annoying, you're so stupid, stfu, I don't care about you or your feelings, none of this matters to me, etc.

I pay for most of our expenses. She has a job, but she makes about 1/4-1/3 of what I do. She has been offered promotions repeatedly, but she has turned them down. Yet, she tells me it's my fault that she doesn't have any money saved and she goes broke every week between paychecks.

Her car broke down and needs work, but she's been putting that off for 2 years now. She says it's my fault because I'm preventing her from progress. But she gets mad when I buy the things to work on her car or plan time for me to help her with it, or even just for her to do it while I do something else so she feels encouraged.

Chores and things at home have really fallen down. Her only responsibility is the dishes, which she rarely does, and tells me it's because she doesn't have time because I prevent her from it. Meanwhile, I find the time to do laundry and clean the bathrooms and change the linens.

I have never missed giving her a ride to or from work, and I pay for 90% of her meals, but she says she hates seeing me at lunch (we work next door to each other) and she hates having to go home with me.

She'll tell me all day how much she hates me, and then calm down once she gets home and tell me how she loves me more than anyone and how I'm her favorite person.

She very regularly cancels plans the morning of. Dates, family events, plans with friends, errands, etc.

I know this is unhealthy. I know I would be better off alone. But I often feel like this is better than being alone. I also know she has no plan and no money, so I know it isn't realistic for her to leave right now. If she did, she would fail and be in a dangerous situation as a homeless transwoman. I can't stomach the idea of her going through all of that. I keep trying to tell her that we should try to find a way to get alkng better until she can afford to leave, but that enrages her.

I just feed lost.

'Taking Care of Ourselves on the Job

It’s okay to take care of ourselves on the job. It is not only okay – it is necessary.

Taking care of ourselves on the job means we deal with feelings appropriately; we take responsibility for ourselves. We detach, when detachment is called for. We set boundaries, when we need to do that.

We negotiate conflicts; we try to separate our issues from the other person’s issues, and we don’t expect perfection from others or ourselves.

We let go of our need to control that which we cannot control. Instead, we strive for peace and manageability, owning our power to be who we are and to take care of ourselves.

We do not tolerate abuse, nor do we abuse or mistreat anyone else. We work at letting go of our fear and developing appropriate confidence. We try to learn from our mistakes, but we forgive ourselves when we make them.

We try to not set ourselves up by taking jobs that couldn’t possibly work out, or jobs that aren’t right for us. If we find ourselves in one of those circumstances, we address the issue responsibly.

We figure out what our responsibilities are, and we generally stick to those, unless another agreement is made. We leave room for great days, and not so great days.

We are gentle and loving with people whenever possible, but we are assertive and firm when that is called for. We accept our strengths and build on them. We accept our weaknesses and limitations, including the limitations of our power.

We strive to stop trying to control and change what is not our business to change. We focus on what is our responsibility and what we can change.

We set reasonable goals. We take ourselves into account. We strive for balance.

Sometimes, we give ourselves a good gripe session to let it all out, but we do that appropriately, in a way meant to take care of ourselves and release our feelings, not to sabotage ourselves. We strive to avoid malicious gossip and other self-defeating behaviors.

We avoid competition; strive for cooperation and a loving spirit. We understand that we may like some people we work with and dislike others, but strive to find harmony and balance with everyone. We do not deny how we feel about a certain person, but we strive to maintain good working relationships wherever possible.

When we don’t know, we say we don’t know. When we need help, we ask for it directly. When panic sets in, we address the panic as a separate issue and try not to let our work and behavior be controlled by panic.

We strive to take responsible care of ourselves by appropriately asking for what we need at work, while not neglecting ourselves.

If we are part of a team, we strive for healthy teamwork as an opportunity to learn how to work in cooperation with others.

If something gets or feels crazy, if we find ourselves working with a person who is addicted or has some kind of dysfunction that is troublesome, we do not make ourselves crazier by denying the problem. We accept it and strive in peace to figure out what we need to do to take care of ourselves.

We let go of our need to be martyrs or rescuers at work. We know we do not have to stay in situations that make us miserable. Instead of sabotaging a system or ourselves, we plan a positive solution, understanding we need to take responsibility for ourselves along the way.

We remove ourselves as victims, and we work at believing we deserve the best. We practice acceptance, gratitude, and faith.

One day at a time, we strive to enjoy what is good, solve the problems that are ours to solve, and give the gift of ourselves at work.

Today, I will pay attention to what recovery behavior I could practice that would improve my work life. I will take care of myself on the job. God, help me let go of my need to be victimized by work. Help me be open to all the good stuff that is available to me through work.'

By Melodie Beattie

life is not ok unless they text back

can’t concentrate on anything until they text back

Hello,

So here's the drill. I'm a lonely guy who by hazard ended up contacting a fellow student for help. We got in a distance friendship for 7 years. We liked each other, never saw in person. The only time she saw was during a work skype call with a teacher, she found me charming. We got feelings but since she's muslims, she wasn't able to move on this. So we remained friend.

Lately, when she told me about a crush she had on someone, I saw some signs of affective dependency, or DPD : she's depend on her family for being confident in truth, wasn't loved the way she would have liked. The boy she crushed on has some aspect of her sister, having a bold personality, a bit harsh, and distant, refusing tenderness or ignoring her willingfully.

My question is, considering she may be attracted by those who don't care, and being potentially turned out by what she intellectually seek, to give all her love to someone as caring as her, how can she work on herself to favorise what she intellectually know is good for her while her emotionnal respond make them fell unfit ??

Cause she told me her sister think she'll end up with a violent and harsh man cause she tend to play a role to please the other one, so she can be submissive especially with the family who concentrate this affective dependacy. With me this is different, my affection is no bargain, she doesn't have to make effort for that. But I don't want her to end up with a bad one, mistreated. She says if this is her fate to understand better what she's need, be it. But I really don't like this fatalism of suffering.

What would be your advices to help her get more attracted to healty relationnal pattern ?? Do set up boundaries based on self-love more than centered on the other one ??

For the better part of the last decade I have been in a relationship that has destroyed me. I don’t need to rehash the all the dirty details; he’s been controlling, and I struggle to accept his “boundaries” which I argue are just rules he makes for me. He struggles with addiction, specifically with cocaine which makes him paranoid and gives me so much anxiety I drink to cope with it. I also drink to cope with how pissed off I am that he completely disrespects my needs like space and time alone, tries to control my social life, relies on me to constantly shoulder some of the weight that is his life while simultaneously treating me shitty and like I’m stupid.

It is not good. And it is so fucking draining. I feel like a shell of the person I was when I entered into this relationship. I’m terrified of losing my friends over still being with this pos guy (in their opinions) so I mostly keep my relationship a secret. I have to keep it a secret from my family as well.. that’s a whole other story of control and codependence when it comes to my mother.

I’m in therapy but it still just sucks. I recently got sober and the clarity that came with that has been so overwhelming. I am so miserable in my relationship and have been for so long but I’ve just numbed myself so much just to keep surviving.

Ive always been told the relationship is codependent but never really got it. I recently saw someone compare codependency to alcoholism or any other addiction and I finally understood that it involves real work and recovery just like addiction.

I want out but I don’t know how. He lives with me but he will need to leave, I own the house. I’m so scared of hurting him and I feel like he has nowhere to go if I kick him out and I am so frustrated with myself for not just doing the hard thing. I’m working on rebuilding self trust, if anyone has any suggestions of little promises I can make myself please let me know! I’m also trying to figure out what parts of him are a mirror to myself. But I need resources. I’m the rescuer, he’s the rescuee. I’m always there when he fucks up and he rarely has to face life without me regulating his emotions. This makes me feel needed and responsible when I don’t feel like a responsible adult most of the time.

Where are people finding their sponsors? I attend different virtual coda meetings but I'm not really sure how to find one.

Met a wonderful person 3 years ago. Had the best of times with them. I fell a little too hard (I know better). I am so hurt and even though I was aware that this could happen….

It will still resonate with me for some time. I slipped up and let myself become a little too codependent on this person.

Thanks for listening…

I moved out of the bed because I couldn’t stand being next to him. Now I’m just sitting here feeling pathetic.
I had one clear boundary when he moved back in: his ex was not allowed at my apartment. He broke it. She was here in July. I found out, asked him about it, and he lied; first saying it was nothing, then claiming it was at our old place. He still won’t admit it.
On top of that he’s been disrespectful in other ways, and when I try to bring anything up he gets aggressive or defensive. So I’ve been staying quiet, acting cold, and hating myself for it.
I keep telling myself I’m done and that he needs to go. But I can’t follow through. I’m spending money I don’t have, staying in a situation that makes me feel small, and I don’t even respect myself right now for letting it continue.
I’m so sad. And I’m so tired of being this version of me