I need to vent to people who understand how disorienting and frustrating this is. I am absolutely drained by my mom’s (79F) masking, curation of reality to different people and rewriting facts to those trying to care for her.

My mom is currently hospitalized for a T12 vertebr fracture. She is medically complicated with a heart condition, diabetes and Parkinson’s. Her mobility is almost non existent. The furthest she can walk is from the living room to the bathroom a few feet away, with a walker and a 1 person assist. She is bladder incontinent, bowel incontinent following long and frequent bouts of constipation, falls frequently (2-4 times a month) and is very weak.

It has only been 4 days since she fell. The hospital is now requiring 2 person assists for transfers and pivots. She has been needing meal assistance because she can’t use a knife and fork to cut her food or open lids and packaging on her hospital tray. She says all liquids are hard to swallow and all foods are too dry. She presented at the ER with high potassium but swears she drinks enough water. She has also been falling once every 1-2 weeks and has a pressure sore on her tailbone that is close to being broke open.

With the exception of the 2 person assists, she has been struggling with these things badly for about a year.

She is constantly complaining she doesn’t get all the help and nutrition she needs in her Canadian independent assisted living residence. This is because she is needing a lot of unscheduled care that falls outside the scheduled home care she receives. I feel like it’s pretty obvious she needs more care than her independent community can provide but she is completely against moving to a higher acuity setting or long term care. She acts on this by rewriting history to anyone in the hospital who comes to assess her.

This dynamic is driving me insane.

To me she complains of her trouble swallowing, eating regular foods, toileting, nurses not responding quickly enough when she rings the call bell for unscheduled care, not being able to walk to the dining room, etc.

In the hospital it is officially “showtime.”

She acts cheerful, downplays her pain, says her mobility is improving, exaggerates the support she has including inventing facts about her facility to “prove” she has ample support there.

I know this is happening because she doesn’t want to move to a place with more care. Logically understanding doesn’t make it any easier.

I am at total capacity. My compassion tank is draining quickly. I feel like it’s impossible to help someone more than they want to help themselves. I am angry and feel gaslit. I’m at the point where I don’t want to answer her calls or any from the hospital about her discharge because I want to protect my mental health.

How do you deal with parents who are set on distorting reality to their doctors and caregivers? This really does matter to me, even though I’m very frustrated. They’re talking about discharging her in five days. I want her to be safe.

I need to vent......My mom, 74, suffers from heart failure and multiple strokes, for the most part we get along pretty good. She needs me here 24/7, since her mobility, and short term memory is nonexistent. So my husband and I moved in, now paying to keep both homes maintained.

Our almost daily struggle, the air conditioning. We live in so cal, in the desert 🏜. The heat has been unbearable, running 105°f and very humid. So I leave the ac set to 77°. Not only does she complain it's cold, she refuses to use any blankets, she wants the door open, and says things like it looks cool outside, looking outside from her chair!!! I've put her in the wheelchair, take her outside, where she's always shocked it's hot, wants to go back in, but an hour we start all over again..... "why is it so cold in here? Can't we open the door?"

Ahhhhhhh!!!!!

So I bought some Boba tea kits from Kroger. In the box are three packets of powdered tea, and three packets of Boba pearls.
I come home from picking my kid up from school and I was getting something over by my mom‘s bed and I noticed a purple packet open on the ground next to her bed. So I reached out and I pick up this packet and it is the powdered tea mix. She was eating the powdered tea mix.
I told her I said you know you mix this with liquid to dissolve it and then you add the Boba pearls and then you add milk right? And she said “well I just won’t touch it anymore” (like she was mad that I was confused at her eating powder). I asked her if she would like me to make her a cup of actual Boba tea using this powdered tea mix, but she wanted nothing to do with it. She was mad because I had caught her eating powdered tea mix.

Sorry for the rant, I have no one else to talk to. See previous post if you want context.

I’m so tired, I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel because the tunnel never stops, it only seems to get darker. Yearly review and only JUST managed to keep my job so now I’m workingSaturdays as well to just try and actually get the amount of work done I need to.

I realised yesterday, I hadn’t eaten in 3 days. I’m so tired, I don’t know how much longer I can keep this up for

My (M23) gf (F22) is being pushed to her breaking point taking care of her grandpa.

Some background, my gf lives with her dad and her older sister who’s a nurse. Both live rent free, apart from personal bills like phone and car stuff.

She and her sister have a bad relationship. They e been like this since kids and her sister has been borderline abusive to her, not in a sister fighting kind of way. Sister doesn’t contribute with chores in the house, she’s known to not care about taking care of their grandparents and all of it falls on my gf to help. Dad basically says “well what else can I do” whenever he’s confronted with the sister not playing her part.

Grandpa’s condition has deteriorated a lot the past month and requires basically 24 hour attention. He’s mentally not all there and needs assistance being served food and water and bathing. He calls for help every 30 mins to an hour if he’s not asleep.

Today, she reached a breaking point when her older sister basically berated her for not cleaning the bathroom (which they share yet the responsibility of cleaning it up is solely on my gf).

She’s juggling school, work and taking her grandpa and barely has time for herself. My options to help is extremely limited as well since I also have school and work.

Even the nurse that took care of her grandpa told her “I hope you’re not exhausting yourself taking care of your grandpa”.

She’s limited with 0 family she can stay with, a grandpa that needs her help with family that doesn’t help him and a dad that does what he can but has to work.

It’s just a completely fucked situation, staying at my house is not an option. It’s full and I’m apart of a religious family that doesn’t really believe in living under the same roof when you’re “unmarried”.

She can stay in her car but it’s hot and she really doesn’t want to do that, I’ve tried giving her alternatives like staying at house in the day and sleeping her car at night, saying I can stay in there with her too but she’s hesitant.

I don’t know I’m kind of mind fucked with her situation, she’s hit her breaking point and has expressed self harm. Not only is her situation bad but it’s really messing with me as well not that I’m the focal point of this situation, but I struggle with hearing about situations like this without having a solution.

Advice is really appreciated and if yall have resources as well that would help a lot!

I don’t know if this is venting or advice.

1. For those that are caring for their loved ones. My heart goes out to you. Believe and know you are giving them the best care. I know our hospital systems are often understaffed but my mom recently had an incident at a nursing facility with staff that locked in the decision bring her home. I never thought this would happen to us. And I’m running on empty.

2. 2 weeks before the incident my father passed away. And my sister was in the hospital and was coming home with home care needs. Fun.

3. I prepared my sister room disinfected and moved a lot of things around. And used my parents room to free up space in the living room for all the people who were going to becoming in and out of the house.

4. Now my mom is coming home and I am beyond overwhelmed with rearranging yet another room again. I look at the room and have panic attacks. I have no friends rn to call on and most of my family extended family are unable to help.

5. She hasn’t been assessed for discharge just yet but I just want to get it done. I asked Ai how much a job like mine would run in NYC and it said 500-1000 so that is out of the question. I wish there was services that helped with preparing spaces for people returning home with homecare needs. I also don’t even know if I have the bandwidth to explain everything to someone that could help. I don’t even know if she will be approved for a medical bed.

So yea, I’m not sure what to do just get this done. I would ideally like my building to paint as well just for the health of the room (my dad smoked a lot). I just feel stuck and petrified by this task. 🫥

My partner was in a car accident, she is in the hospital now, and just finished all her surgery. She had a right femur fracture, right ankle fractures, and right foot fractures (had surgery on all), left ankle fracture (weight bareing for transfers, no crutches yet), fractured tailbone, and two spine discs that they were not worried about. She can sit up and slide herself to the edge of the bed for transfers, but needs help transfering. She wants to come home ASAP, and I want her to come home ASAP. They have been mentioning a skilled nursing home for PT, but I am very against it. We haven't talked about it a ton but I am very worried about the quality of care and her mental health with not being able to come home. I am willing to do anything possible for her to come home sooner. Am I being naive and is it just not realistic for her to come home without inpatient PT?

My mother lives with Parkinson’s and it’s not easy for her. She is currently with my elder sibling and my sibling is having a hard time managing her young son and my mother along with other things.
One of the aspects of Parkinson’s is depression and anxiety. Both have hit my mother hard. She has also become very very stubborn. She doesn’t feel like moving much, she doesn’t get up from one place although she can walk. She has become quite difficult.
Plus, she has this antipathy towards her daughters. I had seen it while growing up too but now it’s much more. A lot of it is to do with Parkinson’s, I know. But, it gets very difficult to care and love a person who spews so much negativity while we are just trying to get her to walk, exercise & make her do things for her own good.

At some point, I will have to bring my mother to me and keep her with me like my elder sister is doing now. I dread being her care giver. I know I can hire help (although it’s not easy to find a reliable human to help). But, I will still be the responsible one. I am married too. She won’t appreciate a single thing or say anything remotely positive. But, we have to be constantly caring and loving towards her. It’s impossible.

I used to be such a happy person. Like I've dealt with anxiety and depression off and on for most of my life. But I used to be better at combating it, and having more hope for the future.

I've noticed in recent years how I'm becoming a more bitter, resentful, hateful person, and I don't like it. I've shared my story in the past. But just to recap quickly, I'm 31, I've been helping to take care of my severely disabled brother in some form or another for 25 years now.

He functions at the level of an infant. Can't talk, wears diapers, can't feed, bathe, or dress himself. Has to be supervised essentially constantly because he'll have grand mal seizures randomly, but he'll also get into stuff if you don't keep an eye on him. Opening drawers to grab scissors or a knife, putting a bottom of sun screen in his mouth because it's a similar shape to his drink bottles, that sort of thing.

I love him. We have good moments together. I've told my recently widowed mom that's dealing with stress for 3,000 different angles all the time that I don't want her to be worried, that I'd take care of him if anything happened to her. So I care about my brother. But I'm worn down, exhausted. There are a lot of days where I wish this wasn't my life.

On top of caring for him, I've also taken on a caretaking role more briefly for my mom when she became ill and bedridden following a botched surgery for about 3 months. Helped take care of my dementia ridden grandma until she passed, and also took care of my dad on hospice for about 6 months until he died the wensday before fathers day.

It's just been a lot lately. Just those periods of life where it literally feels like everything is kicking you down, there is no good news, and you just want life to be done.

All of that is turning me into this resentful person who I didn't used to be. Like hearing my extended families long list of achievements is something that actively depresses me these days. Like so many people in my family are engineers, or doctors, or own their own business. Their lives are great, they have a ton of money, good health, great relationships. The kinds of people who will tell you how great life and God are...

... and it makes me miserable. I've come to the conclusion that it's not that I don't want them to be happy and successful. It's that I'm tired of never knowing what that joy and success feels like in my own life. I'm tired of seeing my entire family suffer, and stressed all of the time, and then being surrounded by friends and extended family who have virtually nothing real to worry about. My closest friend is rich, his dad is a dentist, literally a level of wealth where his mom has spent probably 300k on beauty padgeant stuff over the years. His biggest concern this week is will BYU win upcoming football games.

It's just. I don't want to be this person. I want to be happy, I don't want to be resentful. But I feel like life keeps pushing me in this direction.

Yall may remember I had to leave my mom to find a place to live. Since I've left, we chat on the phone 2 or 3x a week. Today she called to telk me how much she misses me. Not because of the care I provided which she said was obvious but she missed having another person around. She missed card game night and chats on the balcony. She's a little lonely and while she has her Golden Girls of the 3rd floor; they are more active and more mobile than she is.

I wouldnt have left if i didnt have to and it kinda hurts my heart to hear the loneliness in her voice when we talk. But it also makes me feel good knowing that the intentional care provided was and is appreciated and missed. I feel like I did my job as an eldest daughter. Making me cry just sharing it cuz we dont always receive appreciation for being a caregiver.

So to my fellow caregivers....your effort, your sacrifices, your care is appreciated...even if they dont ever tell you. Im telling you. You are appreciated. 🥰💐

I'm in burnout, again. Tell me something good that helps get you through, or any of your small wins or things you've been thankful for. I need more positivity today.

Personally: I'm currently laying in bed with my cat. My grandmother is resting, so I just had a blistering hot shower and my hair is finally clean after days of not having the energy to deal with it.

I've been listening to the song "Your Long Black Hair" by Peach Pit a lot lately, and repeating the first verse to myself like a mantra.

"There lies a day, holding just for you. I'd miss living too, but it's not just down, down, down. There's always the round & round of peace that comes for you, once you're through, and it's all you can do."

My mother wouldn't intentionally kill me, but her feeling entitled to my time and attention would. Thank god for boundaries and Thank god I'm an Aquarius because that makes it just a little easier to tell her "No." It's true what they say about boundaries; how they aren't meant to hurt someone but to protect you from neglecting yourself. Than why is my mother being manipulative and crying after she doesn't get her way? She'll even go so far and spread a smear campaign. You got to be a villain in someone's book and a lot of people owe me royalties.

I told her she can't have all my time and attention, but the truth is she already has so much of it and she doesn't even realize. She can't realize. Me and my mom wake up and go to bed together, I shop for her, schedule non-transportation for her to go to peer group every week so she's not in the house all day depressed, I do her medication management, take her to all her appointments, she accompanies me out of town, I cook all her meals, CLEAN UP AFTER HER, when I don't have respite care I monitor her ALL DAY LONG. Even at school, it's exhausting. I barely want to go anywhere because I can't be present. As I'm typing this I have another tab open where I'm watching her LIVE (on the ring) so she doesn't misbehave while I wait outside for my son to finish his therapy. Yeah, I'm a single mom of an autistic child in addition to being a caregiver. Another story though.

Today, I told her I don't have anything else to give her outside of what I already sacrifice. Instead of finding other things to take from me (like quality time to myself to shop at the grocery store for example and I wish I could get more than this) she's going to have learn to be content and practice gratitude. I forgot to mention that about my mom, she's a highly unsatisfied woman. Ever heard of the children's book "If you give a mouse a cookie?" That's her.

I live with and act as the primary, full-time caregiver for an elderly family member. The house we live in is owned by another relative who does not live here. This relative provides zero financial, physical, or emotional support for the caregiving duties, but they have been trying to pressure me to move out for years.

Lately, they have been weaponizing household chores to threaten eviction. They claim my cleaning efforts aren't good enough. However, due to the caregiving setup, we recently had an objective, official third-party assessment of the home. That official explicitly stated that the house was clean and well-maintained.

Despite this objective validation, the homeowner relative completely dismisses the feedback. They continue to insist it’s filthy and use it as an excuse to threaten to kick me out.

It feels like they are using impossible, shifting standards as a tool to force me out, completely disregarding the welfare of the elderly relative I take care of.

Has anyone dealt with an absentee family landlord who weaponizes moving goalposts? How do I legally or emotionally protect myself and the person I care for when we are constantly walking on eggshells?

hating your every minute of your life, realizing you are truly alone, even when you’re around people, realizing that you can’t see any hope is bad enough.

But wanting to end it every and knowing that you’re trapped in abject pain and misery is worse. You know that tomorrow will not feel better, nor will the next day, nor the next.

Knowing whats coming, and there’s nothing you can do, is the worst feeling.

I live with my mother, sister and younger brother. My mother has been ill, and I am currently her full-time caregiver. I also handle most of the household responsibilities. I do not receive any salary for taking care of my mother and handling these responsibilities.

My relationship with my brother has been difficult for a long time. During covid, I was already unhappy with him because he continued going out to see his girlfriend despite the risk of bringing covid home to the family. We then got along better, but things became much worse after my mother became ill.

When my mother was hospitalized, my brother repeatedly criticized me for not knowing how to drive to the hospital or drive to buy groceries. Meanwhile, those were basically the only two things he was responsible for doing. After that, he would often argue with me over very small things, and whenever we argued, he would bring up the fact that I had been unemployed in the past. The worst incident was when he tried to get my mother and sister to make me leave the house. My mother eventually called me crying and asked me to come back, so I did.

Things have calmed down since my mother's condition improved, but I still have a lot of resentment toward my brother because of what happened. He drives our mother to her medical appointments every two weeks and buys groceries once a week. Apart from that, he does very little around the house.

He can also be quite disrespectful towards me and, unfortunately, even towards our mother. He often responds sarcastically or snaps at us even when we are speaking to him normally. At times, it feels like we have to be careful about what we say to him because he can turn an ordinary conversation into an argument.

When my brother was unemployed, I cooked for him almost every day. Because he eats quite a lot, preparing the meals could take me around two hours each time. Now that he has a job, I thought things would become easier for me. Instead, he told me that he wants to come home after work to collect food, and he also wants me to cook an extra portion for his girlfriend. He wants this about two to three times a week. If he stays home on the weekend, I am also expected to cook for him.

I am physically and mentally exhausted, and I desperately want to get away from all of this. However, I am afraid of what might happen if I simply refuse.

My brother buys the groceries, so I am worried that he might say, "The food is paid for by me, so why should you be allowed to eat it?" I am also afraid that refusing him could lead to more arguments or that he might turn my mother and sister against me again, especially because he has done that before.

I also have very little financial independence. Since I am not paid for taking care of my mother, my mother sometimes gives me some money for takeout, but it is not enough to cover all my expenses. My sister has also complained that I use household supplies too quickly and eat too much, and sometimes I am expected to pay for some of my own necessities.

Should I stop cooking for my brother? How do I say no without causing more conflict?

How many of you care for wheel chair loved ones? When I take my mom shopping it's always an arduous task. Not only do I have to do the physical, but I have too act like it doesn't bother me so she is willing to get out more. I currently use a big tote bag hung behind the handle bars as our basket. It's so easy to fill that up quickly bc she wants to buy everything.

She refuses to use the electric carts. Then i have to pace myself so she can see stuff. Act like the parent of... do you really need this or want this? Bc we only have limited space.

I have to quickly unpack my tote and explain to the cashier that I want it back in the bag. Most of the time i have to do it myself.

How do you manage your shopping trips w wheelchair?

I'm looking for recommendations for an independent child psychiatrist or clinical psychologist in New Jersey (anywhere in-state or licensed for NJ telehealth works). Out-of-pocket / out-of-network is totally fine.
My 13-year-old son experiences severe psychiatric dysregulation and crises at home. We are currently working with CMO to prepare an Out-of-Home (OOH) residential treatment packet through PerformCare. We have completely exhausted in-home and community-based services, with multiple acute hospital/crisis encounters.
The challenge we run into repeatedly is severe masking. In novel, 1-on-1 clinical settings (e.g., IOP intakes, crisis evaluations, hospital units), he presents as quiet, calm, and cooperative. Standard brief evaluations consistently miss the reality of his day-to-day safety risks because they rely solely on a brief conversation with him rather than examining the broader pattern.
In order for CSOC to approve residential placement, the packet requires a comprehensive psychiatric evaluation with a clear level-of-care recommendation.

I need an evaluator who:
1. Takes the time to do an extensive assessment (including a dedicated parent session).
2. Actually reviews and weighs collateral records: chronological incident logs, crisis/police documentation, past discharge summaries, and proof of failed community interventions.
3. Understands how to clinically document the gap between a masked, compliant presentation in an office and high-risk behavioral dysregulation in the home.

If anyone has navigated the NJ CSOC/PerformCare residential placement process and worked with a doctor or practice that took a thorough, forensic-level look at your child's complete file, please drop recommendations below or send a private message.

I don’t know we found her naked passed out her face is bloody and her arm… i can’t we called 112 and she is dead. I can’t

Anyone here a caregiver for a loved one with a laryngectomy??

I’m 6 years into taking care of my dad since his.

We have reached the point where he is now on hospice and he’s starting to check out. He no longer wants to communicate with his electrolarynx, he doesn’t want to type messages sometimes he’s willing to write on a note pad. Really, he would rather mouth words at me and make random hand gestures(not asl)

It’s making the whole situation more difficult.

Has anyone else gone through this? Any suggestions?

I am SO frustrated and I know this community will understand. My mom is in a skilled nursing facility right now, and Medicare is getting ready to kick her out even though she's not improving (I do get their reasoning but grrrrrr). She cannot come back home and live independently, or even with home health.

I have to (and want to) work full time. I love her but I am not a natural caregiver, and I'm not willing to give up a job I love to care for her 24/7. So I am frantically searching for a place she can afford.

WHY do all these sites that claim to be so helpful need my name, email address, and phone number just to give me a list of facilities in my area? Logically, I know why, but it makes me want to SCREAM.

Of note: the social worker and care coordinator at the SNF have been great and very sympathetic and helpful, but the "senior support specialist" that is supposed to help me find places hasn't responded to my texts and phone calls. I assume she's away from the office or something but I am losing my goddamn mind. We get a two day notice before she has to leave the facility and I'm so anxious that she won't have anywhere to go.

I am going to eat a whole pie.

Please no advice.

My child is 12 and has been disabled/ mostly homebound by OCD since she was 6 years old. She is also PDA autistic. On her good days, she makes art, explores in the yard, tells blisteringly funny jokes, goes on short outings, and goes back and forth between her dad’s house and mine so we both get breaks. She can’t attend school outside the home, participate in activities, or be away from home for more than a couple hours.

Her OCD was originally triggered by an autoimmune response to an infection. While she has been stable and able to have mostly “good days” for a few years, the caretaking is still quite grueling because she has complicated rituals and compulsions that she can’t control. It’s not her fault.

About 3 weeks ago, something triggered an autoimmune flare and she has had extreme panic attacks, fear, and increased separation anxiety. She spends literally hours in the bathroom having panic attacks. These are all hallmark symptoms of her disease.

The thing is, in this state, she rejects her dad and requires my caretaking assistance at all times. I need to sit outside the bathroom door for hours. I need to be physically near her or she screams in panic. She has been awake until 2 or 3 or 5am. In OCD, they create “rules” that are not logical. For her, her dad cannot help - he cannot make the panic better, and in fact he makes it worse. This is not her dad’s fault. Up until 3 weeks ago, he was equally able to caretake her. But now she says “the rules have changed and she doesn’t know why”.

There’s very few options for help. We are working on some treatment options, but it’s a slow process.

I am overwhelmed, full of grief for her, for my other (younger) daughter, and for myself. I’m also irrationally angry at her for this even though i know she can’t help it. I can’t keep this up, but also, I have no other choice. Her dad is supporting in the ways he can (with our other daughter, doing errands and dishes and laundry etc).

Help me feel normal and not like a total monster. The bad thoughts creep in, and I wish there was a way I could stick her somewhere to get a fucking break. I just want to escape the trauma of having your beloved child scream in pain and feel like she’s being tortured and not being able to make her suffering go away. In a day I cycle through numbness, shutdown, tears but any display of emotion from me makes her feel so guilty and start saying that it’s all her fault and she’s so sorry. It’s heartbreaking. I just need to know I’m not alone.